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  1. I am severely agoraphobic and it's getting worse. I was hoping to find people on here that I could chat with that are going through the same thing. I am Bi Polar 1 so I cannot take the usual prescribed SSRIs. My doctor has tried everything on the medicine front...I also suffer from ADHD and PTSD. Getting therapy has been a challenge to say the least. I mean finding someone good, getting out of the house and costs that I cannot afford. I am on disability and have not worked in 6 years because of all of my mental health issues. But this agoraphobia is taking my life, literally. I am so tired of being in fear, just exhausted and I live alone. My friends have basically walked away from me and I guess I don't blame them. Truth is, I have the social anxiety so bad that I fear talking to them anyway. I just need a few online friends that I can chat with so I don't feel so alone.....This is my first time writing and will add more later, right now I am tired from writing just this much. Thank you to whomever reads this.
  2. It's five days before Christmas and that has always been my biggest trigger as far as holidays are concerned. I did not do particularly well at Thanksgiving this year and I am struggling through a bout of depression right now, so I'm not really at peak coping skills right now. I think I need to re-read and take notes on some passages in the Panic Attacks Workbook. I'm too tired of fighting the depression and anxiety this week to say anything else - just that it's there, I know it's a lie, and I'm having a hard time remembering that in the moment. I just want to go back to bed until the holidays are over, or shut everyone out of my life so that no one ever expects me to leave the house and I can just stay in my safe little bubble.
  3. I've been doing pretty well for my last couple of "adventures," didn't even need a blog entry about them. I finished the Panic Attacks Workbook and implemented an exposure therapy plan, although I have to admit that it's still pretty daunting and I keep thinking ahead - instead of, "I can handle a 5-minute car ride around the block," my mind is automatically jumping to, "A 30-minute car ride with no Dramamine would definitely cause me to vomit. I can't do that." Earlier this week, I agreed to go to brunch about 30 minutes away (driving myself there) with my dad, aunt and cousin tomorrow - the fact that I agreed and didn't make up an excuse about why I can't go is a triumph in itself, but the closer the date comes, the more anxious I'm getting. That's pretty much par for the course. The thing that's bothering me this time is that I've been having waves of nausea for the last couple of days. I can pretty much put it down to either too much screen time or PMS symptoms (I'm due for those soon and I always spend a day or two feeling nauseated each month, so it makes sense). I also know that when you get a stomach virus, it doesn't tease you for 3-4 days before it hits - you just get sick. But I keep having anxious thoughts - the most common in a situation like this is, "The symptoms start off mild and get worse, so the longer you're not full-blown sick makes it more and more likely that you'll become full-blown sick while driving or at the restaurant." That's nonsensical "logic" and I know that, but I'm still sitting at about a 50% urge to cancel right now. Another stressing factor is the fact that my husband is off work tomorrow so he wants to come - I love my husband and I don't want him to feel like he's not welcome anywhere, but if I get sick in the middle of the meal and he's still eating, I'll feel trapped so anxiety tells me it's "better" to go alone.
  4. I've got an appointment at the Apple Store this morning in about 2 hours to get my laptop repaired and I think it's time for another episode of Adventures in Leaving the House. These seem to be helping. I've had panic attacks at the Apple Store before because of how crowded it is and how much waiting is involved, plus it's just far enough away from my house to be outside my comfort zone. The last two times I went (back in August), I stayed and successfully worked through my panic, so I'm sure today will be the same - plus, the Apple Store is in the mall and I never found a bag I liked for my Chromebook so I want to do some shopping while I'm there. Last night, my anxiety level was pretty low and I was feeling good - I'm still riding high on my success at the ballet (a significantly bigger deal, in my mind, than the Apple Store) and wasn't expecting to have any problems. Then I woke up this morning and I'm feeling dizzy (I know full well this is an anxiety symptom) and I've got a headache (maybe a real headache, maybe a lack of caffeine, or maybe tension from anxiety - either way, it can't hurt me). So on top of the symptoms, I'm feeling frustrated with myself because of the irrational idea that I overcame my fear of the ballet, therefore I'm "cured" or somehow insulated from further panic for the time being. I'd still say that my anxiety today is only about a 3 or 4, when in the recent past it's been more like a 7, but this will be an excellent opportunity to put what I've been learning into practice and work with my anxiety rather than trying to hide from it. I actually feel pretty good right now, which is a weird way to feel even as I am experiencing anxiety. The game plan: I already ate breakfast so I wouldn't feel sick from hunger. I'm drinking a cup of coffee now to combat the headache. I've been practicing breathing from my stomach to fix the dizziness and calm myself.
  5. It's tricky when agoraphobia is such a vague term, and everyone experiences it a different way, but for me the worst part is the physical sickness. I've read a lot of other people's experiences but haven't come across many that I really relate to when it comes to nausea. When I try to go out and the panic starts, it feels like I'm going to vomit. I don't really get the fast heart rate or feeling like I'm dying, for me its all very literal, like I'm going to throw up and be stuck in either the discomfort or embarressment. Sometimes it feels like the nausea will last forever. And I don't know if this is true or my illness but I feel like if I could get the nausea under control then the anxiety wouldn't be so bad? I'm probably talking to a void here but is anyone else experiencing this or feel the same as me?
  6. It helped the other day when I talked through my fear of going to Best Buy, so I'm going to try it again for today's outing. A little background: I have panic disorder and I regularly avoid situations in which I feel trapped. Any type of theater or audience situation - from a movie theater to a classroom to live theater - triggers that sensation for me, and I've been at varying degrees of anticipatory panic for about a week, ever since my mother-in-law bought me a ticket to see the ballet with her and my niece without asking me first. I feel very petty, self-absorbed and ungrateful to be upset that she wanted to include me (especially after I found out the tickets are $40 each), but my brain keeps saying, "This is too big an event for the stage of recovery you're currently in. You are going to panic, this is going to be bad, and you are not going to get through this." Every time I have that thought, a wave of panic washes over me and my bowels begin to cramp at the idea of being in that theater. I start to think of every little step that has to occur in order to get through the ballet and every point at which it would be easy to panic or be trapped, and it begins to feel insurmountable: I have to drive there and I don't know what traffic will be like. I'm not familiar with the parking situation or how easy it will be to get my car back on the road when I'm ready to leave. I don't know where the restrooms are or how many stalls are available. I don't know where our seats are, how close to the aisle and exits I'll be, or how hot the auditorium will be. I don't know the exact run time of the play. These things always begin a little late, so I'll have to wait in the lobby, and then again at my seat. Intermission always takes too long and I'll have to wait again then, plus the bathroom lines will be long. Everyone will leave at the same time, creating traffic jams. Even thinking about all of those things right now is making me feel sick and I probably shouldn't have listed them all out like that, especially so close to the event (I need to leave the house in two hours). So right now, I'm thinking, "This is enough time to bow out and excuse myself from the event. It's still rude to not show up and it's a waste of my mother-in-law's money since I haven't given her enough lead time to find someone to give my ticket to, but maybe she can take one of the younger nieces who will enjoy the ballet more than my nervous ass will. Maybe in a few months, I'll be recovered enough to do something like this." I woke up with a stomach ache and general anxiety this morning. I ate a bowl of cereal because I could tell that I was going to have nausea as a result of low blood sugar problems if I tried to starve myself, and I also know that not eating makes me feel worse, not safer. I also had a cup of coffee because I'm pretty dependent on caffeine, but only one because I didn't want to get shaky, have to go to the bathroom repeatedly, or feel sick on account of the coffee. I've gone to the bathroom twice so far, which is a trigger for the anxious thought, "See? You are sick and if you go to the ballet, you're going to have diarrhea." I'm also feeling warm, but that's an anxiety symptom and it could also have to do with the fact that I'm still wearing my robe, which is too warm to sit around in all day. And I'm experiencing intermittent periods of dizziness, which is absolutely an anxiety symptom and nothing more - I've been tested for vertigo and any other conditions that might make me dizzy and been cleared by a doctor. I'm just not breathing well because I'm anxious. Furthermore, I'm feeling a little hungry again (how could I be sick while I'm hungry?) and all my symptoms magically go away if I distract myself with television, setting up my planner for next week, or briefly telling myself that I can cop out of going to the ballet. If I were really sick, my symptoms wouldn't go away every time I stopped thinking about the ballet. So here's my game plan: I'm going to take a shower and get dressed up because resisting the urge to be a slob always makes me feel more in control. I'm going to use my car time to dictate a couple thousand words of my current novel - and I'm going to be grateful for the distraction from work that the ballet provides because if it weren't for that, I'd be trudging through my rough draft all day. I'm going to bring a pair of headphones in my purse so I can sneakily listen to calming music or an audiobook if I really need to during the play, and I'm also going to bring my fidget cube to use as a distraction. My mantra for the day is, "It's just a temporary panic, and panic isn't dangerous," which I will repeat as necessary to keep myself from fighting the anxiety - I'll call on my meditation knowledge to let it wash over me rather than dam up behind me, and I'll practice staying present in the moment. When it's over, I'm going to reward myself with a trip to Kohl's to buy a purse that my new Chromebook fits into so I can carry it with me always. A few other things I like to remind myself of, which may or may not be in line with Carbonell's methods but which seem to help: If I stayed at home, I definitely wouldn't get sick so there's no reason to expect sickness in this situation, either. The whole event, round trip, will be about three hours, and the ballet will be roughly the length of a movie - I sit through two hours' worth of Netflix every single night and nothing bad ever happens, so this will be more of the same. I'm driving separately so if I genuinely need to leave, I can. If I were to actually get sick, I'd feel the same at home as I would in the theater so it doesn't matter where I vomit. If my symptoms mean I have a cold or flu, again, I'd feel the same at home as I would having a cold or flu at the theater, and I never vomit from those problems so I may as well stay put - people go out when they're sick all the time and it's okay. I still feel strongly in favor of cancelling, but I'm determined to do this because I know the way I feel has nothing to do with real illness and everything to do with anxiety. If I cancel today, it'll only be kicking this problem further down the road and making it harder to deal with later. Half the time when I get this worked up, I don't even end up having a panic attack, and the other half of the time, I do have a panic attack but I survive because there's nothing dangerous about a panic attack. So I'm setting my intention right now. I need to leave the house at 1:30pm and I will return to my house again by 4:30pm. Even if I don't make it to the theater, I will force myself to be away from home during those hours, so I might as well go and hold up my end of a promise I made.
  7. For the last couple of years, I've been screaming my anxiety fears into the Tumblr void and it's not helping anyone - talking to myself just makes me feel more alone and broadcasting my darkest fears only makes them seem bigger. So I thought I'd try writing here instead, and making sure to frame my thoughts in a positive, recovery-centered way. I just started working through the Panic Attack Workbook by David Carbonell because I found his website and was blown away by how much I felt like he was writing about me specifically. I thought, "This is a man who can help me with my exact problems," and I'm optimistic that will be the case. But I'm only up to chapter five so that means I'm in the knows just enough to be dangerous phase of working through recovery. My problem at this exact moment in time is that there's a Chromebook waiting for me to pick it up at Best Buy 15 minutes away, but: It's Black Friday and I know the trip will take at least twice as long as usual because of the lines. I can't stop thinking about an event I'm going to on Sunday that's causing anxiety, and I think if I don't "stay home and rest" now, I'll be too sick and anxious to go. There's a strange aching behind my right ear, my throat's a little scratchy, I'm mildly dizzy, I've got a mild headache behind my eyes, and my stomach is rumbling - clearly a sign that I'm about to be imminently and catastrophically sick and not a result of having skipped lunch and dinner. I've already been to this Best Buy once today in search of the same Chromebook. I left because the lines were long, but that was a function of impatience, not anxiety. I have very good reasons for going and picking it up today and not tomorrow, but the fact that I've already been there once today is making me think irrationally that it's risky to go again because I'm "pushing my luck". Here's what I know when I strip away the anxiety response: I've already 'scouted' the location so I know exactly how it will go - only it'll be better this time because I've pre-paid and it's later in the day. I'm going to have a lot of fun setting up my new Chromebook tonight once I get it home. How I feel today has absolutely no bearing on how I will feel on Sunday, and I have anxiety, not a physical condition, so I am not a "spoonie" as I sometimes think. All of the physical symptoms I have can be easily explained away by a lack of food, a day spent looking at my computer screen, and the anxiety itself. Even if I were to be sick in some manner during my trip, I could be home and "safe" in no more than two hours round trip - and that's being generous. So I'm going to fill my water bottle to stave off the hunger symptoms a little longer, listen to some calming music on the way to the store, and pick up my new toy. Not today, anxiety!
  8. I've been building great stress from putting off this important introduction of myself with the lingering fear that my existence along with any activity it could incite will ultimately be ignored and scoffed upon-- all weekend I've craved badly to simply put together a detailed greeting for myself here as well as for anxietysocialnet, and so here we are Sunday evening 7pm and I'm now pushing myself out there.. My name is Ashley, I'm in my late twenties currently residing in NYS. I live with ADHD, Anxiety, Major Depressive, Panic, PTSD, Social Anxiety/Agoraphobia, Body Dismorphic: Bulimia/Anorexia Nervosa, Self Harm: Dermatillomania/(Recovering cutter). Currently, now I'm exploring the diagnosis of Acute Stress Disorder as a whole new self born nexus inside me that has been fueled by existing traumatic stresses and events that have gone without emotional self feedback resulting sadly in much more than depersonalization.. Anyway, there's a bit into my mental health diagnostic list, it's been quite fascinating. As for enduring all that has gotten me there is a deeper complexity. If I were reading this it would help me to know that I grew up engulfed in violence and emotional abuse within my family life and I haven't been able to get away from it fully. I'm still being abused and I feel weaker than I felt 15 years ago. I have suffered the trauma of **** and years of unrelated domestic abuse from a former partner, not of which I wish to go into right now though.. However, I cannot seem to let myself trust anyone at all anymore, not anyone new.. If a conversation keeps going with a new potential friend, they message me for a few days and I feel more and more uncomfortable that I wind up feeling fearful of my phone as a whole and it's really a terrible feeling. I want to enjoy new people. I really need people in my life, but of course I question why would someone try so hard with someone whose this damaged? That they'd absolutely be better off and without complication if they found someone off a social media site or something rather than a fellow broken nerdy girl you happen to see at a computer repair store.. I do over analyze motive but I never want to be hurt again by someone I've willingly let into my life. I have never been this alone as I am now. I don't know if I "pushed" or "scared" friends away in the past as I have so many embarrassing gaps in my memory that I cannot seem to unlock, but I can remember manic episodes and a few people just walking away when all I needed was a reminder that my panicking would pass.. The kind of people who walk away instead of fight to keep something worth while even if it might be a risk aren't meant to be. They aren't wired to understand in capacity how to unconditionally care for whatever kind of challenge I am. So I keep anything and anyone as far as possible. Most of the people I grew up with very close to have overdosed or committed s****de. The thoughts that run through my mind about starting over with new is overly perplexing. My home life is inconsistent as I had agreed to live with my mother to avoid being homeless after my mental states were worsening. I didn't know I was signing on to take care of her mothers estate as well as be a literal punching bag when she runs out of pills, or money, and drinks too much cough syrup but how stupid of me to forget what it was like to live with her. I can handle the responsibility of that which she cannot in regards to her own moms affairs, but her hate for me runs so deep for trying to keep this house above water and not give her access to money that isn't hers that she's formed a resentment I've never seen in her before. The alcohol and over medication has made this blindsided jealousy of hers quite malicious. A 230 lb child, brooding at the kitchen table for hours knowing you'll eventually really want to make some coffee. She'll bait you with insults of personal inadequacies and try to incite a hurtful dialogue in which she hopes will lead to violence. I feel so numb I can't play the game any longer and it's really effecting my existing fears and anxieties that involve home. I listen to the painful moaning of my messed up mother throughout every day into the night and I'm almost positive she's ready to die. The mumbling of the insane about the failures of the past echoes in the hallway. I'm noticing a new void that's never been present and I'm not certain if I want to be acquainted with it.. Every moment I'm awake I'm shaky and ready to jump. My medicines don't seem to be working too effectively anymore. When I think I'm going to cry I don't and then I shed a few tears at a random moment. My breathing is erratic and my exercises aren't calming down the discomfort in my chest. I think of packing my backpack and going to the closest park for the night and just sleeping there but I'm still working on taking out the garbage every week and walk to the corner store without breaking into panic.. I used to escape easily in my video games but I'm losing interest in them as if they were awful work that had deadlines with zero enjoyment only bringing upon stress and upsetting me and those I'm working with, I can still try but I'm not certain how to get myself back to where I'm not jumping out of my skin every second like this.. I'm starting to find a small escape in the backyard every evening, spending most of the hours pouring myself into my writing which is actually taking me a noticeably longer time than normal on each piece, usually trailing with my mind spinning, and then I suppose I'm glad to find myself outside amongst the wind.. So thanks for reading a bit of my personal madness, it took effort to let myself put this out here but I'm really at a point where I'm unsure of what to do with absolutely no support and screaming for some form of caring direction.. I'm working on communication and I will return messages.. Thank you to this group for the support as well as the invite to be here Ashley
  9. Hi there, I've had agoraphobia for the last 15 years. It was quite okay until around January 2017. Now it is quite bad. I'm really interested in general topics now as it seems to me that everyone (well obviously not everyone) is concerned about their problems. Does anyone have a vague idea that from an analytical point of view what the underlying reason for agoraphobia and social phobia is? In Hungary I talked to a very nice therapist (only email) and he said that both have to do with separation anxiety stemming from childhood. I've found a few interesting websites:
  10. Hi there, I've had agoraphobia for the last 15 years. It was quite okay until around January 2017. Now it is quite bad. I'm really interested in general topics now as it seems to me that everyone (well obviously not everyone) is concerned about their problems. Does anyone have a vague idea that from an analytical point of view what the underlying reason for agoraphobia and social phobia is? In Hungary I talked to a very nice therapist (only email) and he said that both have to do with separation anxiety stemming from childhood. I've found a few interesting websites:
  11. Well my name is Matt and I’m from Burlington, Ontario. I’ve been agoraphobic for almost 20 years but, wasn’t diagnosed until 15 years ago. When I was diagnosed I was put on meds(Paxil) and within two weeks my life went from not being able to step outside my house to driving an hour and a half up north to visit friends, my life had done a complete 180 and I was able to live my life again. Five years later the drugs had started to not work as well until eventually they didn’t at all and I lost everything, my wife, my house, my job and my kid. My mistake was not trying to overcome the agoraphobia while it was under control and instead living with the band-aid. It took some time but, eventually after trying a few other meds I stabilized and was able to live my life but, only partially as I still can’t work or travel too far a distance. As im sure you can understand this has made many things in life difficult including my love life as no woman wants to be with a guy with my issues. I’ve been receiving help now from many doctors and counselors and I’ve made progress but it’s slow going and not having much money makes doing certain things like exposure therapy somewhat difficult. Ive recently decided to go back to school to be a counselor myself so that perhaps I can help people in the same predicament I’m in and help them get past the hurdles I have and the ones I know I still need to overcome myself. It will take me a little longer than someone without my issues but I’ll get there I’m sure. I guess it would just be nice too talk and maybe even meet people in the same situation or who understand what I’m dealing with as even my family doesn’t really understand the fear I live with. So yeah that’s me in a nut shell and I hope to hear from somebody or everyone lol.
  12. I have to move house soon. Right now I live with my mum, and it's my only safe place. But my sister had a baby and she's moving to be closer to the dad and my mum will move too to stay close to them, so either I move with my mum or my mum, dad, sister, niece and her dad and me will all move in together or I move out on my own and try to find roomates. No matter what I have to move and it's really freaking me out. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it.
  13. Hi I'm Jen I'm about to turn 32 in 2 days and I'm feeling really low. I Suffer from Agoraphobia and my partner has a whole ton of issues that contribute to my anxiety and agoraphobia. Tonight I drank to much and I'm feeling super low. feel free to boost me as my partner can't/won't! I just want to know I'm not alone and someone feels as desperate and lonely as I do.
  14. Hey there, I'm Topher and I'm 32 years old. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was 18, which lead to me not wanting to leave the house for a long time. As the years went on it didn't get much better. I did end up leaving the house but only for things like work, or doctors appointments. It's odd the way we feel when there is an obligation to do something. That's in the past for me now. I've changed my life completely. Today, I don't want to stay inside. In fact, I get a bit sad when I have nothing to do. My social life is hectic with a new friend every month, at least. I've turned my life around. I want to say this is not an advertisement or any kind. Why would a no longer agoraphobic want to join an agoraphobia forum? Because I know how you feel. I know the anxiety, the depression, the loneliness. I really want to help in any way I can, and this is the best way I know how. By giving advice, encouragement, and general information on what our sickness is. I am a survivor and I want to give hope to people who think there is no hope. I look forward to talking with as many people as I can talk to. See you around.
  15. About me Hi my names john,i am 26 and i have been suffering from anxiety and depression for about 12 years, and agoraphobia for 2 years. Background So i had a bad childhood and i'm not going to go into details on a forum board however it led me into a spiral path or bullying and loneliness, i could always hide my feelings and bottle up my emotions and it seemed to work. when i was 16 i started dating a girl i had new in high school i always liked her. I got kicked out of my parents house parents never liked the girl i was dating made things hard but not impossible. We ended up having 2 kids and married, we have been married 6 years now. 2 years ago i was in work and like every other day weather it be in work or outside in general i was flustered, shaking and just all round panicky but i was used to it i thought it was normal but this time was different it felt like the walls where closing in, the seats got smaller and the people got closer, i felt my heart jumping out of my chest like the climax of a good horror film, it was too much i wanted to run away, but wait i couldn't i was frozen on the spot, i felt like i couldn't breathe, i kinda don't remember much after that but i got home, i didn't want to go to work then next day and i went to speak to a Dr, he told me it was stress gave me a week sick note and sent me on my way and like a good little boy i followed. During that week i noticed it became increasingly difficult to go out without feeling a similar way i couldn't go into the local shop without feeling some sort of feelings that are hard to explain but i still went back to work at the end of my sick note. First day back and i was already feeling nervous but i lasted all of 1 hour i couldn't take it no more i had to leave, i spoke to my manager and told them how i was feeling and she told me to go back to the Doctors, i went back, he told me i was still suffering with stress and he would give me another week off. At this point my wife was fuming because she knew there was something more then stress wrong with me, we changed doctors and my wife told me to write a letter as i find it difficult to talk to people and explain whats going on. At the new doctors with letter in hand, the new doctors was very busy and sitting in the waiting room was very uncomfortable, i seemed to spend more time in the toilets until someone came in, my name was called and went into the room, i said sorry and handed her the letter. She smiled at the first sentence, "Dear Dr. I'm sorry for this letter as its long and i'm writing it at 4 am i don't think i can explain everything with my words". That smile soon turned into a straight concentrated face as the letter was 8 pages long and went into a full back story and how i was feeling. After the letter she immediately turned to me and said "your suffering with anxiety and depression we will give you some medication that will take some of the edge off but you will need CBT counseling". And thats where ill leave it in background. Current Life. So I'm now on mirtazapine, i have been through a few different types of tablet, i now have a psychotherapist and a specialist pharmacist to make sure I'm getting the right meds, i was getting counseling however i got took of the books as i missed 3 appointments as they where 5 miles away and i don't drive. I have almost lost my wife with some of the side effects of tablets and my lack of interest in anything, low mood. Well that me all in one page, hope this explains a bit about me and maybe some of you have similar experiences if so any help on coping with this illness would be a great.
  16. i have a major problem getting a job and working, i wanted to know if anyone else has the same issue
  17. Hello all! I am new here. I am from the US, I'm female, and I am in my young 20's. I have struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, and trouble swallowing on and off since i was a small child. I had terrible health anxiety after I moved away from the home I had grown up in my whole life. Throughout college my anxiety continued causing me major anxiety so much I was convinced I was dying. I went to an urgent care broken out in hives and crying. They gave me an antihistimine for a week, but it was all just anxiety. At the new age of 20, I developed agoraphobia (which i believe is hereditery since both my mom and dad had it and also my grandmothers both have anxiety problems). I didn't know what agoraphobia really was until i experienced it. i felt like i could not breathe. i thought i was having an allergic reaction maybe, anyphylactic shock, i'd never had that but i didn't know what else to think. i got checked out and was put on benzo and later a psychiatrist also added remeron. I absolutely hate these drugs, but I fear I'd have worse anxiety without them. I have been housebound for up to about 6 months. I actually got out of that by being forced to move. I never want to get that bad again. I want to keep making progress, but I have much further to go. I am just now starting to drive again. Holly
  18. I'm a teenager with agoraphobia and everyday I suffocate more and more .
  19. Hi all! I am so frustrated with this illness. I have been doing/trying everything and it just seems as if I take 2 steps forwards and 5 steps back. I just need your support, and hearing from others who are going through this or that can relate will truly help. Today has been so emotional for me, and I am so tired of living like this. Here's my back story: History: I had an amazing childhood! Was a typical kid, played sports, ran track from middle school all the way through college. I've traveled all over, vacationed, had lots of fun, made great friends and lived a pretty normal life. 2013: I still worked out but my food intake was pretty bad lol. I was married in 2011 and had a baby 2012. I had an awesome job and life was good. Around 2013, I noticed when I was driving my grandmother home at night on the freeway, I felt this intense "outer body experience" (unbeknownst to me as panic/anxiety). I was about to pull over but I didn't want to freak her out so I just fought through it, and wrote it off as some sort of gas fumes coming from the cars into my vents. This happened many once or twice more while driving at night on the freeway, but I just ignored it. 2014 My life started to change a bit, my job became extremely demanding, my marriage was crumbling because we were neglecting each other. 2 hour commutes each way, hustling to get to daycare, and scramble to make dinner, all to do it again for 5 days. Weekends were made to get laundry, groceries, and clean up our home as I also work a part time job Saturdays. There was no more time for me, I was always on the go! Feb 2015: This is when disaster strikes. My son was ill for a few days, so as mom, I didn't sleep. My husband and I decided to call out of work as we did not sleep. I decided to go to the gym. I started working out and noticed heart palpitations, but ignored it. Then all of a sudden I had the outer body experience again. I kind of brushed it off but had it in the back of my head. 3 days later, I taught my dance class after work, and 30 minutes later i grabbed my head and had a real intense "out body experience" . I thought I was about to die in front of the class. My heart was pounding, and my thoughts were racing "something bad is happening to me" and I didn't know how to go about things. As I drove home, I began to freak out on the freeway. I didn't know whether I should have pulled over or scream at the top of my lungs, I just felt like I was going bat Shyt crazy and I didn't know why. I thought maybe my workouts are too intense and I need to slow down. It seem to be the most logical answer since thats when these episodes started to occur most frequently. The next day, i was talking about it with my mother then BAM! It started to hit me again. The outer body experience! "oh Shyt mom its happening" I hung up on her so fast and try to calm myself. However the irrational thoughts started pouring in "what's happening to me?" "Do I have a heart issues?" The more I thought, the more my heart pounded, my palms became sweaty. I sat down and thought just calm down...but the more I tried to talk to morsel, it just seem like I was pouring gasoline on a fire! I felt like I had the Panic Demon sitting on my shoulder saying "guys she's not down yet, she's a fighter...lets crank it up a notch". They started to coming in like a Tsunami! My chest started to tighten up, I could breath, and my legs and hands went numb. I collapse in my husbands arms while my 3 year old son was eating dinner. At this point I knew I was dying. I told my husband to call 911 and I can't believe I'm going to die in front of my family. I was rushed to the hospital to only be told I was stressed. Stressed...really??? No way, this is bull shyt. In my mind, I was healthy and I worked out to relieve stress, and this couldn't possibly the cause of this non sense. I followed up with my primary care doctor who told me I had just had a Panic attack and I have anxiety. I heard nothing else after that, as she tried to explain what happened. Everything else sounded like Charlie Brown. I couldn't believe she was prescribing Xanax (which made me feel depressed by the way). After this, my life has never been the same, and a can of worms was now opened. April 2015 I took off work for a bout month and a half. I was devistated and crushed. I just felt like something terrible happened to me and everyone was brushing it off because I was young (32yrs old). When I went back to work, I could no longer sit in traffic, ride the metro, take the bus or cross the street without having a panic attack. I was miserable!!! I had people wondering and asking me why I was out so long, and I was so embarrassed to tell them because Im having panic attacks and I don't know why. I could no longer keep it up. The more I went to work, the worse my symptoms became. So I then made the hardest decision in my life, and that was to resign from my dream job (which was a blessing). As soon as I resigned my symptoms started to subside within DAYS! I WAS happy again! I was able to drive on the freeway and teach my dance class again. Life was great! So I thought. I gave up my dance class as I didn't want to add additional stress. However, it seem like once I stopped working out, my symptoms started to slowly creep back. July 2015 I had another MAJOR panic attack while driving on a dark road with no lights. I thought my life was over! I couldn't see, hear, or comprehend anything. I felt as if I had just taken 4 shots of patron, and mixed it with Jamerson. "This can't be normal! This has to be some type of brain disease!" Currently I eat EXTREMELY CLEAN. Almost raw. I still eat meat and I take magnesium at night. I have problems sleeping, and when I do sleep its not quality sleep. The only thing I drink is water. I do not spoke and I don't drink. I pray every morning and show gratitude before I open my eyes. I mediate and stretch before I do leave my bedroom. I speak positive affirmations daily and try to live in the moment. I try to stay optimistic even on the days I struggle with. I have migraines 2 times a month. My skin is extremely dry and now I starting to have stomach issues. I was told I may have an ulcer, and the GT wants to do and endoscopy. I really do not want to do that as I have never been put to sleep. My left arm is constantly numb. I've seen a cardiologist, neurologist, a wellness Doctors, and I had CT scans, etc. Everything is clear. I am slightly anemic but I have been that way all of my life. Today Was emotional for me. I just broke down. I feel like I walk around wearing a big "S" on my chest and try to stay strong, but today I failed. My son wanted to go to the park, but as we walked my Panic/Anxiety started to flare up. I tried to fight it but I couldn't, I tried to breath the way I do when I mediate, to no avail. I didn't want something to happen to me and he was left by himself, so I turned around. That was hard for me to swallow. He shouldn't have to suffer because of his mother. For that reason my entire system shut down. I just feel like this in no way to live life. I am so tired of taking 3 steps forward to be knocked back down. I love nature, I love walking, working out. I find it hard to just take a walk because my body starts prepping for another Panic attack. I feel like I am trapped in someone's body and I want out. I notice when I don't sleep well or eat enough, my aniexy/panic is heighten. I haven't had quality sleep since January 2015. I get tired of staying up to 2/3 am just to pass out to go to sleep. I have the greatest support system in the world. I just feel like I am a burden on my family at times. I just want to feel normal again. I apologize for the novel and Typos. I didn't re-read this post because I started to get a migraine typing this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I pray I wake up tomorrow with a better start. I just don't know what else to do. If you read this entire post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you don't respond, please just pray for me Positive vibes sent you all. Peace and blessings to each and every one of you!
  20. I finally found someone who will help me with medication . They will not come to me, but they are not very far away from my house . There are little outside of my comfort zone but I have time to get comfortable . Before she will even give me an appointment though, she wants me to get a physical and blood work done. This makes me trust you more and have confidence that she will only do what is best for me . I have an appointment on Friday develop paperwork at the clinic not very far away from me . I have an appointment at the same clinic on Monday to see a doctor . Originally they wanted both of these appointments at the same time and I told him that would be too much. So it looks like they are willing to work with me . I am absolutely terrified.
  21. Do you suffer from social anxiety when it comes to making friends? Would you be interested in seeking advice and help to overcome this? Award winning independent production company Ponda Films are developing a sensitive and intelligent documentary series for a leading UK broadcaster that aims to explore the issue of agoraphobia and social anxiety, allowing contributors to talk openly about their experiences. To hear more please contact Fozia at Our conversation would be an opportunity for us to explain more about the project, and learn more from you. All correspondence is entirely confidential, with no obligation to take part. We have extensive experience in making sensitive and intelligent programmes on a variety of topics – for more information please
  22. I may have found a way to get medication without hospitalization. I am waiting on a call back. It is a plqce that offers emergency services. It is very close to my house. They just might be willing to make an exception and see me more than once until I can get somewhere a little further away. I should know sometime in the next few hours. I am waiting on a call from the program director.
  23. Hi, so here is my story, six years ago I developed agoraphobia and three years ago I met my soulmate online. We only chatted online for about less than two weeks before she made the trip to come see me. She lives approximately two hours away. Right from the start we both knew there was some serious chemistry between the both of us. We just knew we were meant to be together. From the very first time we spoke on the phone I laid it out on the line for her that I had a condition called Agoraphobia and I gave her plenty of details about it but she insisted in continuing our relationship and said that she would help me work through it. Everything was fine for the first two years because I started making progress I even started visiting her at her home but she would have to drive. However for the last year things have taken sort of a turn for the worst. My condition seems to be getting worse and not better. Which is weird because I was making somewhat good progress. She has stuck by me every step of the way and has been great so far. A few months back one of her friends asked if I could DJ her daughter's sweet 16 birthday party next month and the location was a bit out of my comfort zone but I agreed to do it anyway as a favor to her. I took a trip to make a dry run to the location and I knew that I was not going to be able to do it that it was just too far out of my comfort zone. As the days got closer to the party It started weighing heavily on my shoulders so much so that a couple nights ago I went straight into panic mode the entire day night and the following morning. I finally had to tell her that I was not going to be able to do it and it stressed me out so bad days prior to telling her because I didn't know how she was going to take the news. And to make matters worse I was supposed to go with her to her house this week to celebrate our three-year anniversary but from all the anxiety I did not feel up to making the trip and now on top of canceling the party on her friend and this she is really angry with me right now and I'm afraid this might be it. She has put up with a lot because of my condition the last few years but I think this time she might just have had enough. I love her so much and I know she loves me too and I would be devastated to lose her.