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  1. Hello everybody, this post will be quite long, but I just need to get this off my chest. My name is Paul (20 yrs old) and I am from Germany. For the last 6 months I have been suffering from severe health anxiety which also lead to depression. Health anxiety is not new to me (typical hypochondriac). I had several episodes of health anxiety during my early teenage years because I'm a very sensitive and anxious person when it comes to health. Some examples are: fear of catching HIV at 13 (without any reason), obsessively washed my hands so much that they started bleeding because I wanted to kill all the germs and I also had a time where I was afraid of cancer. The reason why I got these fears in the first place was because of googling my symptoms (Dr. Google). All these fears were only temporarily (never lasted more than 3 months) and didn't require any kind of treatment. Since then, I lived pretty much without any anxiety and OCD behaviours. A little bit about myself: I am very ambitious and always set high goals for myself. Next to high school, I would spend all my time with my passion which is coding. I wouldn't say that I am nerdy or socially akward, but I am the type of guy that would choose working and reading over going out for drinks. I am also a bit obsessive/OCD in everything that I do. Very often, I would work up to 14 hours a day during vacations and enjoy every second of it. Overall I would say that I live a pretty healthy lifestyle. Besides of keeping a healthy diet, I also lift weights up to 5 times a week in the gym and try to avoid unhealthy habits like excessive drinking or regular smoking. Now onto what's bothering me: Almost two years ago I had this stupid habit of smoking hookah with my friends in these so-called hookah lounges which are very common here (they have become very popular here and the majority of teens have already tried it). It was a thing that I "only" did two or three times a month on the weekends to chill out with friends. However, I never thought of it as a big deal health-wise since I never became addicted to it and didn't do it every day. So one night in December 2016 me and 3 other friends wanted to try out a new bar. We ordered two hookahs...nothing unusual so far. I can remember that I was taking very deep hits because I was trying to do O's with the smoke for the first time (Yes, very stupid, I know...). Only 20 minutes or so passed by and all of a sudden after taking a deep hit I got pretty bad stomach aches (This had already happened to me once because I was also trying to do O's and took deep hits about two months prior but it went away after 30 seconds after I stopped smoking). I thought I had diarrhea so I quickly stood up and rushed to the bathroom. On the way, I was a bit dizzy, so when I got in the bathroom I passed out. When I woke up again, I felt PERFECTLY FINE, no stomache aches, no dizzines... NOTHING, I just felt great. I don't know how long I passed out but probably not that long, otherwise my friends or somebody else would have noticed. When I fell, I slightly hit my head on a piece of furniture so I got a small scratch which was bleeding and cleaned it up with some water but nothing too crazy. During that time, my friends were still smoking, as if nothing had happened, they were all fine. Since I was feeling so great again (no more symptoms), I just called it a night and decided not to go to the hospital. I hadn't smoked in a few weeks so I thought this was just a reaction of my body because of the deep hits, but nothing too crazy. I also was a bit scared because my mother would find out that I smoked. After that I went home and did a bit of googling, just to make sure everything is okay (very typical of me). I didn't find anything too crazy and I was more concerned about my wound than me blacking out. The next day was a sunday but since I always want to make sure that everything is okay, I went to the doctor to check the scratch. He said everything was fine and I told him that I slipped and bumped my head on the ground because I didn't want him to tell my mother that I smoked. After that incident, I lived perfectly fine...I never noticed anything being weird with my body, I lived just like I did before. As a fact, the times after that incident were one of the best times of my life. I started a small coding business in my junior year of high school (2016/2017) which I put my whole energy into and loved it. Then senior year came (2017/2018) and I did my best to get the best possible grades (while running that small business) so that I could get accepted to my dream university. This was by far the most stressful period of my life. Two months before the final exams I already noticed that the stress was taking a huge toll on my body. I spent many nights sleepless because I had obsessive thoughts like "What if you don't get the required grades?". It got so bad that I had to go to my doctor to get sleeping pills and something to calm me down during the day. This is where my anxiety began: During the peak of my exam studies in april, I came across an article on facebook that you can get carbon monoxyde poisoning from smoking hookah. These were a series of articles that were published at that time. At first, I didn't think much of it, because I had lived perfectly fine since that incident. But then I started googling (MY BIGGEST MISTAKE) and read all these articles which were written in a very dramatic way (things like: you can get parkinson, irreparable brain damage, and concentration difficulties if you don't get immediate treatment after such a poisoning). I never noticed anything being wrong with me, never had any concentration issues (some days I would study up to 12 hours without any problems), got straight A's in the tests prior to my final exams... no signs of anything being wrong. I got very severe health anxiety at that time and even experienced my first panic attack ever (thought I was going to have a heart attack) because I also started reading more generally about carbon monoxide poisoning (not just from smoking hookah). During the day I was always anxious, my heart was beating so fast because I had obsessive thoughts like "There is now something wrong with you and you will not reach your goals because of it". It was by far the worst I have ever felt. The fact that I had my final exams coming up in a month, didn't help... I could only study after taking a tranquilizer because my anxiety was horrible. I then decided to go visit my GP to ask her for advice. She said that I had nothing to worry about and that I was fine. I felt a bit of relief but the obsessive thoughts wouldn't stop. After the second visit, she prescribed me antidepressants (she probably thought I was a crazy hypochondriac). I then visited two more GP's and they told me the same. They said that even if it was such a poisoning, it would have been a minor one without any consequences for my health. I got a blood test done and everything was perfect "just don't worry" I heard from them. The anxiety wouldn't stop but I did my best to distract myself with studying for my upcoming finals. I got straight A's in my final exams, got a much higher grade than the required one for my dream university and was ranked among the best in my school. I had decided in winter that I would take a gap year after high school, so that I could focus on building my business. After high school, my anxiety became even worse. I was laying in bed all day (very unusual of me), crying and hopeless about my future because I thought that I had ruined my health and therefore my life. Weeks passed by and the antidepressants started working slowly. I went on vacation with my family to try to clear my mind. The only thing that saved me from going insane, was the gym. I was lifting weights up to 6 times a week to release my anger. I haven't worked on my business since the day I read that article because I had obsessive thoughts like "you're not good enough anymore". I became very depressed because I was laying in bed all day doing nothing. I also told my mother and sister about how I was feeling, they also told me that I had nothing to worry about, since my GP said everything was fine and it had happened over 1 year ago. 2 months had passed by and I decided to go visit a psychiatrist. I talked to him for 1 hour and he could't understand why I was worried. He said that I should spend my time doing something productive to distract myself from the negative thoughts. After that I even visited went to the hospital to get the opinion from a specialist of the hyperbaric chamber department. He really wasn't taking me very seriously and told me that I had nothing to worry about and that I was fine. One month has now passed since that hospital visit. My anxiety has lowered a lot but my life is just pure chaos right now. I don't know how I should feel about myself and about my future. My business is still running, but I haven't followed a productive daily routine for 5 months now. Most of the day I watch youtube videos, sleep and go to the gym, to distract myself from negative thoughts. Before I had read that article, my future looked very promising. If I had never come across that stupid article, my life would be a lot different right now. I feel like a failure but I know that I can't continue living like this. I don't want to waste this gap year and don't want to disappoint my parents. I even visited my dream university for the open day but with all that anxiety it just didn't feel right... Sorry for the length of this post but I really don't know what I should do now or how I should feel about all of this. I really want to get back to building my business and living life. It is really difficult to just "not worry"... I never thouht that this small incident would have such a huge effect on my life because I was feeling fine back then. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. I also didn't have any headaches (which are a common symptom for poisoning). I really don't now... I regret it so much that I didn't go immediately to the hospital. Even if I don't notice anything being wrong with my health, this uncertainty of not knowing 100% is just killing me... I'm kind of angry at myself for having put my health at risk like that.
  2. Hi guys, so I'm almost done my first year of college and to be honest it has not been that great of a year. I'm doing fine academically but really bad socially. I don't know why but my anxiety is horrible. I am always second guessing myself in social situations, thinking "what will they think if i say this" or "why aren't they talking to me, there must be something wrong with me". I've read up on social anxiety and being vulnerable enough that I know that I should not trust my thoughts and that they are irrational. But at the same time, I'm so used to being in my head all the time. I used to think that I was just introspective but now I hate being so anxious all the time. I think my social anxiety has led me to feel depressed. Mostly I feel hopeless about my future because I know how much my anxiety holds me back. I really want to make friends but even though I'm desperate, my anxiety still pulls me back. Whenever I try to initiate a conversation or join one, my mind goes black and i just become so insecure and dont know what the "right thing to say" is. I think I should probably be seeking professional help but the mental health services at my school is really bad and I can't afford to get a therapist somewhere else. I wanted to know if anyone has some strategies that have helped them when feeling socially anxious while talking to others. I've tried to deconstruct my thoughts and such but I still freeze up and I want to feel more relaxed and less anxious so that I can grow and feel less stuck. Thank you!! šŸ˜Š
  3. I am in a mental tug of war. My doctor put me on Abilify 10mg. She claims it is the cleanest drug that is in the anti-psychotic category, she told me that my anxiety and depression are atypical because they are resistent to treatment, hard to treat. She told me that the Abilify would be for my depression and clonidine 0.1mg for my panic attacks at night. I am wondering if these are even remotly safe? I have read reviews about the Abilify... I think it is dangerous to even touch it with a 10 foot stick. Some people were projectile vomiting on it, others going into psychotic episodes, others having permanent and uncontrolable twitching of the face, legs, fingers, etc. I am just so scared that going on it will ruin my life, I have GERD and IBS so it just does not seem stomach safe. I am scared to take the clonidine also because I have a slow heartrate from my low thyroid. Really the only pill she gave me that I will happily take is my thyroid pill. I really do not know what to do. I told me therapist and he laughed, I am seriously thinking these two stupid pills that they want me on can kill me. Should I tell my doctor to forget about it and give me a differant prescription? Or just take these pills that I do not find safe at all?
  4. I feel guilt. I feel responsibility. Christmas Day 2014 my nephew was very unwell. He would not eat, he had restless sleeps, his temperature was high and when I held him, trying to comfort him, I could feel his heart pounding like a drum. I knew that was not right. But he had a throat infection and bad cold, Like he did the year before, surely it would be fine. Boxing Day 2014 approximately 9pm he passed away. I knew that he was not alright. In my gut I felt something was wrong. I did nothing but hold him and sing him songs. And then he died. The guilt I feel is swelling in my throat as I type as I have never actually told anybody before that I feel guilty and that I feel responsible. I could make excuses. I was 19. Iā€™m no doctor. How was I supposed to know it worse then that. It was Christmas Day, what could you do. I KNEW HE DID NOT FEEL RIGHT AND I DID NOTHING. I donā€™t know if we took him to the hospital if he would have survived. The sepsis was already happening, I donā€™t know what they could have done for him. They might not have been able to save him but they might have been able to make him comfortable. He spent his last hours in a car seat and his last breaths in the hands of people he didnā€™t know. i feel responsible for that. I understand in situations as these everyone says that you cannot blame yourself because you didnā€™t know what was going to happen. Yes, I did not know what was going to happen. But I knew something was not right and I did nothing. And that is worse. My brother has lost his son. And this Christmas, on the fourth anniversary of his death, I can see the cracks in our family clearer then ever. My brother forcing himself to smile. And I could not stop looking at him. Now I cannot sleep as I play the horrific night from years ago in my head over and over. And part of me feels like I deserve the pain and the rest is in utter despair.
  5. A few months ago I was in a pretty serious relationship. The girl and I did everything together and I felt we had something special. Yeah there were times we argued like crazy and she made me feel like I wasn't good enough or just a bad person and this sparked my attacks daily or at least every time we would have a small argument. I would tell her what she was doing to me mentally and she talked to me like I was crazy. Her promises she made me and things she told made me believe she cared for me so I stayed. Some things had happened causing us to put a hold on the relationship...or so I thought. After we stopped talking for about a moth I found out through a third party she was with someone else and not just anyone her ex she always talked shit about. I tried so hard not to let it get to me but it hurts so bad. The last few days I've been at work she's walked in with her family and each time she has I have an extreme attack and I get afraid and I wish I could stop, love myself, and move on already and not let her hold me back.....
  6. Itā€™s been a while since I wrote on here. Iā€™ve avoided it. There have been plenty of times in the last few months when I could have written down my experiences. I had a horrible, drawn out experience of getting a job and a flat when my uni course ended. It caused me countless sleepless nights, night terrors and bad habits. I donā€™t know why I avoided this space. I chose it because itā€™s not mainstream. But this isnā€™t a big forum and there is that part of me that wants huge amounts of support...maybe thatā€™s my ego...or maybe itā€™s a feeling of mutual experience that I donā€™t feel Iā€™ve gotten with anyone completely yet. But here I am, back again. And the changes have been huge. I graduated from my course, moved from one city to another, moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job and itā€™s all been a lot. I know I made good, positive decisions. Iā€™m glad Iā€™m independent and living with a man I love and have a job working with great people and live in a lovely flat. I did good by myself. But settling in is taking a long time. Iā€™m constantly fighting a sense of failure because I havenā€™t done anything to do with my acting degree. I want to do things but ā€˜lifeā€™ things get in the way but life is for the living and the doing and the pursueing of your dreams, I hear you say?! Oh wait no, thatā€™s my voice, in my head, shouting at me. Telling me Iā€™m wasting my time, my precious time. Oh yes, because Iā€™ve been thinking a lot about death recently too. Dying and not doing any of the things I want to do. Imagining in detail the moment the light goes out. And then freaking out entirely. Yesterday, I cried and cried because I felt so out of control of my anxiety. It consumed me. And I let myself be devoured. Today it was a smaller knot in my chest that I could fool myself into believing it was wind. Tomorrow I donā€™t know. The day after, I donā€™t know. Ive been to doctors and been told the most ridiculous useless nonsense of worse...just been told to breathe into a bag. But I am going to go back in there next few weeks and try to get them to properly diagnose me. Oh yeah. Iā€™m not even properly diagnosed. None of my doctors wanted to talk more then 2 minutes about it. So I want it. I want to be diagnosed. I want to be guided towards therapy. I want to be better. I canā€™t stand to go one with this ticking time machine in my chest. Itā€™s unbearable. I want to be able to fully enjoy what I have managed to piece together in my life right now and have the drive to push forward again. But till next time... iā€™llbefineintheend
  7. Hi! I'm a college student who has been dealing with ADHD, anxiety, and depression for many years. In the last couple years, I began to exhibit symptoms of excessive daytime sleepiness, in a way that is very characteristic of narcolepsy without cataplexy. However, getting any answers in finding a diagnosis of what is causing my sleep issues has been difficult, and it may be a year or more before I am able to even try again to get answers. I'm currently feeling quite a bit alone in my struggles with sleep issues, and this is exacerbated by my anxiety. Hoping to find some common ground among others here!
  8. Tonight I am lying awake. I have been trying to get to sleep for four hours. Iā€™m home from uni for Easter and Home is the complete opposite of my uni home. My uni house is quiet, very little noise, no loud bangs, shouting or anything disturbing. But Home, there is always noise, the washer, the dryer, my mum pottering, my brother screeching, the tv on too loud and do NOT get me wrong. I love my family, I love Home. But going from one extreme to another does something to a girl. Too much noise triggers my anxiety, crowded places, bars, cinemas, traffic, the tumble dryer. My ears are sensitive for some reason and all this can really disorientate me, it can give me headaches, makes me snappy with the people I love and then of course makes me hate myself. So in short, Iā€™ve been surrounded by a lot of noise the last few days and my anxiety is building, I can feel it. Tuesday I go to Rome. On a plane. And I have a deathly fear of planes, every time Iā€™ve been on one I have a panic attack, no matter how hard I try to stay calm. I also have my dissertation due in two weeks and I need to be researching and preparing for two shows that I start rehearsing for in three weeks. Itā€™s fair to say I think that my brain has a lot of fuel for the anxiety fire. But what Iā€™ve been thinking about for the last hour is how limited I feel by my anxiety. I feel very limited. I feel terror at the thought of causing a scene on the plane. Which makes me not want to get on the plane and see the world. Thus limited to England. I feel terror at the thought of not succeeding to the level Iā€™m aiming for at uni, failing and embarrassing myself in front my peers. Thus limited to not achieveing my degree. I feel terror at the thought of auditioning and being in a movie or on stage and failing. Thus limited to mundane jobs and failing my dream. I feel terror at not living my life but not knowing how too and being scared to live it in case I get it wrong. Thus, limited to staying safe inside a house, safely existing but hardly living. And you guessed it, Iā€™m scared of that too. Deep down I know you should always keep trying to matter what and failing doesnā€™t mean your the failure and thereā€™s no wrong way to live your life but then thereā€™s the conflict. Theres the reason I toss and turn and fight with myself for hours. Negative and Positive attitudes raging war within me. I miss my boyfriend, I feel inspired by him, he has a new job at an incredible place and heā€™s learning so much and working so hard and heā€™s tired a lot. And I want to be comforted by him so much but I donā€™t want to ask for it because he has enough to deal with. I need to support him too. I didnā€™t know what to do with my twilight thoughts and then I remembered I had this place and if Iā€™m honest I wasnā€™t sure anyone was reading my blogs until I got my first ever comment from Jonathon on my last post and it filled me with lightness. Someone is reading this and understanding and I just canā€™t quite comprehend that. Because I donā€™t talk to anyone about any of this, not this honestly at least. So thank you. Thank you so much for reading. Iā€™llbefineintheend
  9. Hello. I need help with my anxiety. I don't want to take any medications anymore. I don't know how many times I've been to the doctors and hospitals for the last 15 years and it's getting worse. I've already thrown out all medications except 1 that I will use once or twice a week but I don't want to anymore. It's becoming almost impossible for me to stop having anxiety and panic attacks. I get so sick that I can't even leave my room or allot of times I don't want to even leave my own bed. Going out to go grocery shopping or other simple tasks as this are a nightmare to me. And then I become so paranoid & fear kicks in, then my anxiety becomes very high spiked within 2-3 seconds and takes hours or days to yet and stop workout medication. I'm throwing away the rest of the medication. I want to do this on my own. Please help me? I wasn't raised to be like this. There is allot I have to deal with that are major changes from my past, present and future that are hugely effecting me. I'm freaking out about all of it to where my entire body, internal senses and everything else just freeze, cramp up, I can't breathe, I can't think to breathe because I'm freaking out bad at not knowing what's going to happen next in that moment or the future. Does anyone have an good advice that I can try. I've never asked for help like this before. Thank you so much. ?Behealthy ā¤ļø
  10. Hi, Everyone! Just discovered this place. Looking forward to chatting and supporting other members. I have had mental illness for most of my life and am on disability because of it. Between emotional and physical pain (not to mention "horrormones"), I have quite the challenge of navigating through life. I have figured out a lot, however, through the help of my psychiatrist, my therapist, and my medications. I feel I take too many medications, however and would like to talk about that, as well as other issues. I am an artist working in all kinds of media, and when I am working I am in my happy place. Art and crafting has literally saved my life. Looking forward to meeting you!
  11. min


    i'm felt so exhausted lately. i'm stressed from university, i'm anxious because i live with my overbearing gaslighting mother, and feel like my life is getting more and more dull. i had a really good friend for a while, let's call her M, and M and i were really close. we would hang out all the time, go get lunch, send memes and texts everyday when we were bored in our classes and were always hanging out. M is the first friend i've had in my life who was a real friend, not just someone who played nice with me because i was lonely enough to do whatever they said as long as i could sit with them at lunch. for the first time, in a really long time, i felt good. i had a job i liked, i was finally going back to school after taking a semester off for personal reasons, i was getting better after seven long years of not being ok. a few months ago M got a boyfriend. nothing really changed at first, M and i still hung out all the time and texted. but over the past three weeks M and i have barely spoken. it'll be days before she responds to a message and when she does it's with one word answers, and we haven't hung out in over two months. is it clingy and stupid of me to feel hurt by this? because M and i have stopped hanging out less, i've been forced to spend more time at my own house and it's taking it's toll on me. i don't know if it's a fact or not but i feel like a kid can always tell when their parent has given up on them. even from a young age. when you find your drawings in the trash instead of on the fridge next to your sibling's, when you ideas and wants are brushed off like dirt, when they stop saying i love you because they mean it and instead because they don't want to be a parent that doesn't say it. it's easy to tell for me. when i'm four miles from home on campus at 6 pm and i ask for a ride on her way home from work and the response i get is 'i love you but your problems aren't my problems and i'm focusing on other things right now.' it's easy to tell because when i bring things up, "hey let's watch this new movie that's coming out next week together! i think you'll like it and it's been a while since we've done anything!" it's easy to tell how little you mean when you get home and ask where she is and get a text that says 'decided to go see this new movie, figure out dinner yourself.' it's in the little things, like re-ordering food you've been allergic to your whole life and saying 'since when?' and the dismissive hand wave when you tell them you accomplished something you're proud of. every time it happens it hurts just a little more until you feel like a stranger to your own mother who still forces you into hugs and saying 'i love you' back when you know she doesn't give a damn about anything other than herself. and the one day you wake up and you hear her talking in the background to your step father who you've never been close to and you're standing in the kitchen and staring out the window and realize how unimportant you are in your own life and you suddenly feel so so lonely you feel so fucking lonely that you want to cry but youre too tired to cry and youre tired of crying and youre tired of being tired but you're so lonely that you cant even sleep and youre so touch starved that you would probably cry if anyone hugged you and you have no one to talk to because you know no one really cares so you end up typing out the way you feel online to a website of people with better things to do than read your pitiful cry for help and attention because god youre just so fucking lonely and stupid and you want to cry and you dont want to die- you know you don't because you know what that feels like- you've felt it before- and that's not how you feel now. right now you want to live. you want to live so fucking bad it hurts because the more you look at it the more you realize you're not even living you're just going through the motions of breathing, eating, going to class...and it feels like its never going to end
  12. Hello Friends,are you a patient suffering from insomnia, back pain, chronic pain, stress or depression, we got quality medical strains and oils that will greatly help you, visit to place an order and free consultation with or without a medical card
  13. Hello Everyone! I have been dealing with anxiety for as long as I can remember, although I did not know what it was. I am almost 33 years old and it is worse than ever. I am confined to my house and the only time I get out is to go grocery shopping, doctors appts, ect. I have a constant need for my husband to be with me. It is terrible and extremely unhealthy. I go to school online to get my masters degree in social work. That seems to be the main reason for my stress. I used to love writing papers but now homework makes me so anxious. Last week I had to write three. Needless to say, I felt an onset of worse anxiety than normal. I haven't been hospitalized in three years and I would say that I was relatively okay. I deal with anxiety as a part of life. Some days are better than others. Now the anxiety is not stopping. I am having really bad "ear worms" where I have a group of lyrics from a song stuck in my head. It is maddening. I also am hypersensitive to sounds and feel hyper vigilant. I am sleeping poorly. I wake up every hour on the hour and am greeted by the ear worms every time I wake up. I am on the verge of going inpatient but I am fearful that I will miss school and I can't. I know that is a poor way to think about it, as my health should come first. I found this website and I am hoping that I can find people that relate to my situation.
  14. Today I woke up with a ton of anxiety but now I am feeling pretty well. I had to post a video for an online course and it was making me so anxious. I got it done, was able to do the dishes, sweep, and take a shower. It is amazing how mundane tasks can give me so much anxiety. When I wake up, I see dishes in the sink and it freaks me out. Does anyone else feel anxiety when you think about mundane tasks? It's terrible! I am still waiting for the therapist to call me. It seems to be taking some time so I am going to call tomorrow. I see my practitioner on Monday and I hope that she can tweek my meds a little more to help me with my anxiety. I wish I could find more people to connect with on here.
  15. emzi


    I'm not an angry person. For most of my life I've been avoiding conflict for the life of me. Even when my brother used to steal and break my dolls I would only cry the most when my mom found out and he got into trouble. In fact, anger is something that's not discussed in our house. It's basically an unwritten rule that we have to smile and act polite or it's just unacceptable. We always have to be happy. I can't count the number of times when my mom has told me I don't get to be mad because I don't have to put up with everything she does or I don't get to be mad because I've had it better than she did. I used to listen. I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't have to. This year has been pretty difficult. I found out a lot of things about my family, I got rear-ended by a drunk driver, and I began to get snippets of memories of sexual abuse from my childhood. I've been trying to be so positive, but lately everything's been changing and it's making me feel like I've once again just stood up before someone's pulled the rug out from under me again. Without alcohol I've had to deal with it, and I've been trying to let myself not be so controlling over what I let myself feel. Sure anger has it's downsides. Sometimes I just want to punch the wall or scream at the world in frustration. It clouds my judgement at times (as any emotion does) and makes it hard to keep up my "nothing to see here" routine. People that I can usually put up with I've had to sever connections with because I just can't do it anymore. I'm less approachable, less of a pushover, but I don't mind. Mostly I'm alright with it because for me the benefits outweigh the detriments. It's a means to an end. If I get angry I can process it all. I get to feel what it did to me, and I get to get rid of all of that negative energy so I can move on. Maybe I won't move on from everything, but at least I can start to heal and take back the power the past has had on me. So if you're reading this, be angry with me. Don't be afraid of it. Anger can be a weapon, but it's also a tool. Depending on how you use it it can sew you up or rip you apart. You can't learn how it works until you experience it for yourself. What is something you're angry about?
  16. Last Thursday I decided to go inpatient to get some help. I attempted to check myself into a local hospital but was turned away because I didn't meet the criteria. Apparently I had to be homicidal, s*****al, or psychotic. I was told to go to a local crisis residential unit that I have been to before many years ago. At first I was apprehensive but I knew that I would slip deeper into insanity if I didn't take the leap. I packed my bags and my friend took me. It is odd because I barely remember even going or the process of admission. The first few days were tough. I couldn't sleep which has been a persistent problem for about a month. They decided to put me on Ativan temporarily and eventually increased my Trazadone dosage enough to knock out a horse. Well, it finally worked. There were groups including visualization to assist with panic attacks. I met a young woman that also suffers with mental illness and we developed a friendship. I left last night and the house is a mess. My husband didn't have the time to clean up because I was released early. I woke up today and I am extremely overwhelmed with the housework that is needed around my house. I also woke up with ear worms...again and found that a prescription I got filled last night got misplaced. I am going to spend the day reading, coloring, and maybe watching Games of Thrones. I also have schoolwork to make up which is making me extremely anxious. I see my provider on Monday. I am praying for more progress. All I can do is have faith and pray.
  17. emzi


    Well, it's been a couple months since I've posted. A lot has changed yet nothing has. I started University. It's pretty great for the most part and keeps my brain busy. The bad part of it is that I was completely blindsided a couple weeks ago. It started gradually like it always does. I thought it was because I was sick at first but I think that was just more of an excuse than anything. By the time I realized what was happening I was in my car with chunks of my own hair in my hands crying because I couldn't bring myself to go to my classes. I haven't resorted to that again but it was a bit of a shock. I still feel like shit, I've lost over 10 pounds because I'm just not hungry anymore. I keep trying to stay positive but I know I don't believe any of that crap. Best I can do is fake it until I make it and stick to my meds.
  18. About Me: For the past couple of weeks I have been wakened up by musical verses in my head. They are pretty consistent but sometimes they change. Its a group of lyrics on loop, over, and, over, again. It is absolutely maddening. It makes my anxiety 10xs worse. I just try to tell them to go away and they come back with a vengeance. I don't remember every suffering from this. Of course, I've had music stuck in my head but it was not troublesome. I am desperate to combat this. Also, I am not getting adequate sleep. I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. This really had an onset last week. I attend college online for my MSW and I had to turn in three papers and do a video (I HATE having people see me). Anyways, this is when my anxiety went to an all time high. I am also frustrated with my husband because he drinks and I worry that he will wake up drunk and go to work. It is terrifying. Everything scares me pretty much. I can't drive. When I'm in a car, I am apprehensive and hyper vigilant the whole time. I can only handle going to the grocery store and doing small errands. My anxiety is consistent throughout the day. Sometimes I cannot find the source. I wouldn't say I have panic attacks (I have in the past) but I have an internal dialogue of anxious feelings and beliefs. About Today: I woke up with the normal loop of music lyrics. I thought that a half way decent sleep would lol the effects at least a little. Wrong! I feel exhausted. I have chores to do. Seeing the sink with dishes in it makes my anxiety really bad. I feel like I have not been able to take care of my home because of my anxiety. I tend to take a shower and watch some tv. I'm currently obsessed with Game of Thrones. I am also quite active on social media. However, I find that it is increasing my anxiety. The political debates online dishearten me and anger me. I rarely comment, I just sit by idly hoping someone else does. I have to remember that there a more important things I need to worry about and many things are out of my control. I pray daily and try to read the bible. I just received a book in the mail "Be Anxious For Nothing" by Joyce Meyer. I plan on reading this today as well.
  19. Hello All! I've been missing in action for some months now, but I have returned with wonderfully magical news to share with each and every person here! I'll start off by telling you my diagnoses: Major Depressive Disorder, Treatment Resistant, Moderate Degree, Recurring Episodes; Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia; Anxiety Disorder, and Trichotillomania. I have tried about 85% of the SSRIs on the market, various Antipsychotics, Benzos, Mood Stabilizers, and Homeopathic remedies; EMDR Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Hypnotherapy, Meditation, Breathing Techniques, Visualization, Self Talk, Self Hypnosis, Soul Retrieval Ceremony (a Shamanic Ceremony), Massage Therapy, Exercise, Heliotherapy, Adjusting my Diet, and Reiki Therapy...I think that covers it. Last month, I was preparing to elect Electroconvulsive Therapy as a treatment resort to help with my disorders. In the nick of time, my Psychiatrist mentioned Ketamine. I'd never heard of it, and so I did research on the method of this treatment. Ketamine is FDA approved for Anesthesia in surgical procedures. There are also studies on Ketamine being a successful treatment for Chronic Pain. In addition, Ketamine is a street drug, Special K, that has a hallucinogenic quality. Finally, as of recent years, there are studies for using low doses of Ketamine to treat Major Depression (although it is not FDA approved to treat MDD). It wasn't long before I felt the strongest sense of hope and desire to undergo this treatment; just thinking to myself, "This sounds too good to be true!" To make my hope grow even brighter, there just happened to be a Psychiatrist about 60 miles away that offered the treatment! The following week, I told my Psychiatrist about my findings, and he gave me the thumbs up to contact the Psychiatrist that offered Ketamine Infusion Treatments. My first consultation was set, I ended up being a suitable candidate, and had my appointment for my first Infusion scheduled!! BAM! I don't have the words to share with you to express adequately how I've responded to this treatment that is available. My very first Infusion..I was freed from the weight, that heavy, dark, lonely, cloud that followed me for so long. I could breath!! And it only continued to get better as the days passed. Thus far, I have had 4 Infusions, and I have one remaining. I found myself again, because of Ketamine; I feel again, because of Ketamine; I laugh now, because of Ketamine; I have more understanding of what I've been struggling with, because of Ketamine; I see things I've never seen before, because of Ketamine; I hear things that I've never heard in my life, because of Ketamine; I'm as goofy as ever (and not afraid to show it), because of Ketamine; I want to LIVE, because of Ketamine Infusion Treatments!! In closing, I must stress that I am NOT recommending anyone to make any attempt, whatsoever, to treat themselves with Ketamine in an uncontrolled, unmonitored environment!!! You want to live, not die!!! Also, there is not such thing as a "Silver Bullet" in treating everyone. I just wanted to share my success story, because if this story help even a single person, then I would be so, so happy!
  20. Hey there, I'm Topher and I'm 32 years old. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was 18, which lead to me not wanting to leave the house for a long time. As the years went on it didn't get much better. I did end up leaving the house but only for things like work, or doctors appointments. It's odd the way we feel when there is an obligation to do something. That's in the past for me now. I've changed my life completely. Today, I don't want to stay inside. In fact, I get a bit sad when I have nothing to do. My social life is hectic with a new friend every month, at least. I've turned my life around. I want to say this is not an advertisement or any kind. Why would a no longer agoraphobic want to join an agoraphobia forum? Because I know how you feel. I know the anxiety, the depression, the loneliness. I really want to help in any way I can, and this is the best way I know how. By giving advice, encouragement, and general information on what our sickness is. I am a survivor and I want to give hope to people who think there is no hope. I look forward to talking with as many people as I can talk to. See you around.
  21. Hello Over the last two years I have developed anxiety. Some days it is so bad it feels like panic attacks. After they go away my heart muscle literally hurts. I take .1mg of Ativan and it barely takes them away. I just recently started Lamotragine and have now triated up to 75mg. I take 25mg in the am and 50mg p.m.. I was taking Cipralex 10mg but felt it caused more anxiety. I now take Luvox 100mg in the am. I feel so depressed and anxious that I literally feel like I am beside myself. Just wondering if there is anyone out there that has suffered same side effects of the Lamotragine and if it eventually level out.
  22. Hi guys, I'm Kai. I'm 21 & from CA, found this place on google & it seemed like a good idea to find people who understand the struggle. Just here to make friends & find things that distract me from how bad I feel, I guess. A little more about me: I have serve depression & general anxiety, plus some other things. I've never gotten any help for my condition, but I've been living in it & have experienced it progressively since childhood. For the past months, my depression has been relentless, prolly cause of a recent ankle injury & cause I caught the feels for this girl ?. I've been very bitter at my circumstances, I've pushed all my friends/family away even tho I get super lonely & have guilt for continually dodging people. My family is very conservative & mental illness isn't real in my house, so I have no idea where to start to look for help. Sometimes, I don't want to be helped tbh.
  23. So, let me start with the fact that I'm 23. All my life I have dealt with social anxiety. It use to not be as bad as it is now. When I turned 18 I went to college, a couple times actually. The courses I chose didnt work out because it was sort of what my mom wanted for me. Also the professor had some assignment where I had to speak in front of class so I would drop out. Anyway, I went on to try and have many jobs but I would always quit. Because it is so much easier to stay home then to face my anxiety and work 8 hours a day 5 days a week. So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. He wants a life with me, marriage, babies... and he is the manager of a store. We are struggling for money right now so until things are fixed we can't have a future. I love him to pieces. He recently offered me a job. I want to take it but I don't know if I can ever get up the courage to work. I want to but I'm scared. I don't wanna fail him again. I was walking today and found this website. I don't really know if this is how you're even supposed to use this site but here I am, writing this here. Maybe I really want help this time. So, anyway, if anyone has any tips or anything... It would really be nice. Thanks to whoever reads this. (:
  24. For the last three days I've felt three emotions. Sadness, anxiety and numbness. I don't know if numbness really counts as an emotion per say, but it's better than the knot in my stomach from pure fear or the feeling of energy-sucking emptiness that takes me over. It's almost comforting. Everything is just dulled. However, even though I don't feel it I know that I should be proud of some of the things I've done the last three days. Yesterday I spent most of the day out of bed. I worked on a puzzle a little bit and took a shower. I actually drove into town and applied for a job. I had an interview today. I spent most of today out of bed as well. I haven't hurt myself either but again that might just be the numbness.
  25. emzi

    Starting Over

    Hey, My name is Em. I've been struggling with mental health issues as long as I can remember. The last six years have been especially tough. I've been diagnosed with GAD, depression and PTSD by a couple psychologists in therapy. I've also been put on antidepressants. I dropped out of therapy because my other therapists both had to leave for one reason or another and I just couldn't handle all the mixed messages and to go through everything again. I've been on my own for a while now, since February. I was doing ok but then summer came and now I don't have as many things to distract myself with. So I'm back to square one. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed, I'm worried all the time, I've been dissociating a lot. I can barely function with my meds. I have to fight to get back to where I was. I can do it, it's just going to be rough. I wanted to make this so I can vent and try to document my progress, even if it's small. Maybe we can help each other. Thanks for reading.