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I've been building great stress from putting off this important introduction of myself with the lingering fear that my existence along with any activity it could incite will ultimately be ignored and scoffed upon-- all weekend I've craved badly to simply put together a detailed greeting for myself here as well as for anxietysocialnet, and so here we are Sunday evening 7pm and I'm now pushing myself out there.. My name is Ashley, I'm in my late twenties currently residing in NYS. I live with ADHD, Anxiety, Major Depressive, Panic, PTSD, Social Anxiety/Agoraphobia, Body Dismorphic: Bulimia/Anorexia Nervosa, Self Harm: Dermatillomania/(Recovering cutter). Currently, now I'm exploring the diagnosis of Acute Stress Disorder as a whole new self born nexus inside me that has been fueled by existing traumatic stresses and events that have gone without emotional self feedback resulting sadly in much more than depersonalization.. Anyway, there's a bit into my mental health diagnostic list, it's been quite fascinating. As for enduring all that has gotten me there is a deeper complexity. If I were reading this it would help me to know that I grew up engulfed in violence and emotional abuse within my family life and I haven't been able to get away from it fully. I'm still being abused and I feel weaker than I felt 15 years ago. I have suffered the trauma of **** and years of unrelated domestic abuse from a former partner, not of which I wish to go into right now though.. However, I cannot seem to let myself trust anyone at all anymore, not anyone new.. If a conversation keeps going with a new potential friend, they message me for a few days and I feel more and more uncomfortable that I wind up feeling fearful of my phone as a whole and it's really a terrible feeling. I want to enjoy new people. I really need people in my life, but of course I question why would someone try so hard with someone whose this damaged? That they'd absolutely be better off and without complication if they found someone off a social media site or something rather than a fellow broken nerdy girl you happen to see at a computer repair store.. I do over analyze motive but I never want to be hurt again by someone I've willingly let into my life. I have never been this alone as I am now. I don't know if I "pushed" or "scared" friends away in the past as I have so many embarrassing gaps in my memory that I cannot seem to unlock, but I can remember manic episodes and a few people just walking away when all I needed was a reminder that my panicking would pass.. The kind of people who walk away instead of fight to keep something worth while even if it might be a risk aren't meant to be. They aren't wired to understand in capacity how to unconditionally care for whatever kind of challenge I am. So I keep anything and anyone as far as possible. Most of the people I grew up with very close to have overdosed or committed s****de. The thoughts that run through my mind about starting over with new is overly perplexing. My home life is inconsistent as I had agreed to live with my mother to avoid being homeless after my mental states were worsening. I didn't know I was signing on to take care of her mothers estate as well as be a literal punching bag when she runs out of pills, or money, and drinks too much cough syrup but how stupid of me to forget what it was like to live with her. I can handle the responsibility of that which she cannot in regards to her own moms affairs, but her hate for me runs so deep for trying to keep this house above water and not give her access to money that isn't hers that she's formed a resentment I've never seen in her before. The alcohol and over medication has made this blindsided jealousy of hers quite malicious. A 230 lb child, brooding at the kitchen table for hours knowing you'll eventually really want to make some coffee. She'll bait you with insults of personal inadequacies and try to incite a hurtful dialogue in which she hopes will lead to violence. I feel so numb I can't play the game any longer and it's really effecting my existing fears and anxieties that involve home. I listen to the painful moaning of my messed up mother throughout every day into the night and I'm almost positive she's ready to die. The mumbling of the insane about the failures of the past echoes in the hallway. I'm noticing a new void that's never been present and I'm not certain if I want to be acquainted with it.. Every moment I'm awake I'm shaky and ready to jump. My medicines don't seem to be working too effectively anymore. When I think I'm going to cry I don't and then I shed a few tears at a random moment. My breathing is erratic and my exercises aren't calming down the discomfort in my chest. I think of packing my backpack and going to the closest park for the night and just sleeping there but I'm still working on taking out the garbage every week and walk to the corner store without breaking into panic.. I used to escape easily in my video games but I'm losing interest in them as if they were awful work that had deadlines with zero enjoyment only bringing upon stress and upsetting me and those I'm working with, I can still try but I'm not certain how to get myself back to where I'm not jumping out of my skin every second like this.. I'm starting to find a small escape in the backyard every evening, spending most of the hours pouring myself into my writing which is actually taking me a noticeably longer time than normal on each piece, usually trailing with my mind spinning, and then I suppose I'm glad to find myself outside amongst the wind.. So thanks for reading a bit of my personal madness, it took effort to let myself put this out here but I'm really at a point where I'm unsure of what to do with absolutely no support and screaming for some form of caring direction.. I'm working on communication and I will return messages.. Thank you to this group for the support as well as the invite to be here Ashley