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That's awesome. Glad to hear that you are letting the thoughts come in and flow right back out and not acting on them. Also I'm happy to hear you found a place to help you with the anxiety. You will learn a lot of great tools to help the anxiety. You are making wonderful progress and steps in the right direction. Set backs are so  normal, so if you have a day you give in a little don't get discouraged. Set backs mean you are doing better. Hugs!!! So excited for you!! 

Hey guys sorry for finally getting back to this. I am doing good.  My anxiety has been more manageable these last few days and I’ve just been happy with that and enjoying it.  I’ve felt multiple sensations that did cause somewhat of an initial reaction but then I just took a deep breath let it out slow and distracted myself. But here’s the thing I know I should just be happy with this but I am thinking why is it more easy right now is it just because the anxiety has calmed down a bit or did that thinking process really help? Does that make sense? @jlmwz316 Thanks to family we found a place that will be able to help me get some counseling, aside from the whole imsurance thing when I was in counseling i had issues finding a therapist that knew about health anxiety, as in how to help me out. And this place has a specific specialized area in hypochondria! I was really happy to see that. I’ve got an appointment for August. So that’s looking up.

Progress is progress. That's a big deal. You did good today. I understand wanting and needing a safe environment for your family and you really have done that. You are an awesome momma.. hugs sweet lady. Rest easy knowing you did everything right and then some. 

I think I made a breakthrough with this. It's never totally straightforward, so I didn't get to where I want to be entirely, but I made progress. I spent my entire day on this basically. By the end of the day, I got to the point that I actually touched dirt with my bare finger and just washed it off with soap. It was a little symbol but progress.  My big task was to fill the edges of the poop pit as I am now calling it, since removing a deck board (I am using it as edging, but I ended up with two extras back there when the guys came to do my deck originally) opened a little space that needed the gravel. I was doing good at first, realizing the pit is clean, walking on the gravel normally, but then I did something out of sequence, I didn't have my mask on properly, and I freaked for some reason. I also realized I used a piece of wood to level the gravel that I wasn't sure had been decontaminated (in my mind everything in there is contaminated, even though I have cleaned it and poured boiling water and torched numerous times, most recently just top layers through). Anyhoo, this set me back and I got myself into the boiling water feedback loop again. I spent a ridiculous amount of time pouring water over the spots I thought I had touched with the wood. I realized that making what I perceive to be one tiny mistake or breach of CDC protocol is a trigger for me. I know intellectually it is impossible to follow that protocol exactly, and it is also probably impossible to contain the dirt entirely (like some will get tracked, even by absolute professionals). I wish the CDC would mention that in their materials, argh! But, by the end of pouring the boiling water again for the 8000th time, I really felt done, like I could walk on it now. I didn't clean the deck after coming out of the poop pit, which is something I have felt compelled to do everytime and is actually progress. I realize I have to give this up. I also realized the dirt in the driveway was probably not from the deck boards I laid out there. But, too late...I spent half the day cleaning up the driveway, but was walking on it again without fear or thoughts (even took my shoes off out there). So, I think I made progress. I am seeing it more clearly. My brain wants to tell myself I'm a failure and that I am failing to take care of my kids properly if I can't keep them entirely safe. I really think that is a part of this. I realized today that nothing about what I am doing is aimed at controlling them (a question I had to ask myself b/c one of my parents is very controlling and uses germs and cleanliness as control). I realized my sitch is different than that parent because I really just want our environment to be safe so they can do what they want to do, be free, etc. I realize I need to give it up and accept whatever risk is there is there, and that this risk exists other places we go too, I just don't know about it. I do still feel conflicts about other little kids coming here, but my teenager is going to have a party and I am thinking it will be okay, even though they will traipse all over. So progress. It might not sound like it is, but it was a little bit of progress.

Allow yourself to relax about this. 2 years is a long time to carry this worry. Hugs. It's safe and time to go ahead and let it go. You really did all the right things. You went above and beyond for your family. Your mind is telling you untrue things.