Kai

This thread is perfect for me lol. I'm just gonna rant about how incredibly exhausted I am from the last few depressive relapses I've had. It really is a monster of it's own, I have a lot of sh*t I need to get done rn, but my ankle injury and my lack of drive/energy keep me from dealing with everything/everyone. My family loves to emphasize everyone's successful careers & serve as a huge roadblock for me otw to recovery. The church I grew up in still demands a lot from me, cause I have to volunteer as payment for living w mom. I need to bring my car to the shop after payday, because it wont start anymore, butI heard tows are pricey. I have missed so many deadlines for taxes/insurance, etc.... Self-neglect is my bestfriend, I've made sure that my friends think i dislike them or that I feel like I'm better. Add some homosexuality & a very christian household & you get the hot mess that is me. I still get angry at myself for letting these things really get to me, I know I should stop, but I've been raised to take responsibility for everything that happens in my life & I can't just stop wanting to be a different more better person. I'm terrified of going back to school, but people have been stressing the importance of being in a class. I've failed myself by catching feelings for my friend, I told myself not to get too close, I remember how bad my last heartbreak was, & yet I kept romanticizing every smile & friendly gesture. Now, I'm regretting being so involved w/ her & this has added so much more stress. The thing that bothers me so much about my circumstances is that most of the problems that I deal with could've been avoided. My 'friend' told girl A about how I felt w/o my permission & this made it a thing, when it could've been something that passed quietly. As for my injury, it was my fault for walking into the crowd, but I was literally just in line to use the restroom when these drunks dude's fight carried into the restroom. I could place the blame anywhere rly, I'm just over it all. I'm super annoyed & exhausted.

Hi guys, I'm Kai. I'm 21 & from CA, found this place on google & it seemed like a good idea to find people who understand the struggle. Just here to make friends & find things that distract me from how bad I feel, I guess. A little more about me: I have serve depression & general anxiety, plus some other things. I've never gotten any help for my condition, but I've been living in it & have experienced it progressively since childhood. For the past months, my depression has been relentless, prolly cause of a recent ankle injury & cause I caught the feels for this girl ?. I've been very bitter at my circumstances, I've pushed all my friends/family away even tho I get super lonely & have guilt for continually dodging people. My family is very conservative & mental illness isn't real in my house, so I have no idea where to start to look for help. Sometimes, I don't want to be helped tbh.