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Hello, I’m so glad that I found this group! Yesterday I was on the verge of committing myself because Im still trying to get a diagnosis. I’ve had approximately 6 therapist in the last 10 years and I’m convinced that nobody really wants to help unless you demand it. It’s not enough that they are getting paid, they also have to be nudged along to do their job thoroughly. I saw my therapist on Tuesday and opened up to her about some of my thoughts. She said that she would email me exercises for my current struggle with anxiety (rumination), I waited until Thursday before I emailed her to let her know that I never received the email. She responded back that school closed early and she had to get her children and she would send it the next morning, Here we are almost Sunday and still no email. My next appointment is Tuesday..... I plan on letting her have a piece of my mind when i get there. Im feeling a little better today. I was able to find my old psychiatrist from 10 years ago. I stopped going to her because she moved over an hour away but she’s now back at her old office from what I can see online. I left a message. Hopefully I hear something soon. Im ready to go back on meds.... Background Long story short, I remember being a small child and thinking I caused a car accident because I fell alseep while my mom was driving. See, my mom drove the car but I helped by pushing the imaginary petals in the back seat (I did this every time we went for a drive) I was riddled with guilt thinking that i had cause the accident. I thought about it obsessively. I cried.... but didn’t tell my mom because I was scared that she would be mad. That’s my first memory of rumination..... the first of many. As I get older its increasingly harder to distract myself as I did when I was a kid. Im a semi newly divorce mom (2 years this coming March) and Im lonely because I can’t date...... I mean who would want to deal with this ocd baggage. Im a nice looking woman, Exotic looking from what Ive been told but Im petrified to get close to anyone for fear of them finding out my deepest secret. Im 40 but look much younger thanks to my parents who seem to have made a deal with the devil to look much younger too. My dad is 69 and he has only a few grey hairs and not one visible wrinkle. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia before I was born..... Vietnam war vet..... what a gene cocktail. To my knowledge he’s never taken meds but was medically discharged from the army with that diagnosis. We dont talk about it because he claims he faked it to get out of the army but everyone knows that’s not the truth. We just grin and bare it. Some of my ruminations and oddities … My health is always the Pink Elephant in the OCD room, however I’m not ready to be specific about that just yet.... My children.... I fear them being sexually abused... it’s hard to not think about it when they are out of my presence. This is where I stop..... My food just came.... Im down to one small meal a day (usually in the evening so I can sleep comfortably). I skipped a couple of days of eating since last Tuesday. This is my body’s response to my anxiety. I need too loose weight anyway so Im not too worried yet. I haven’t felt this bad in almost 10 years. Im mad at myself for returning back to this………… for not being strong.... It was easier to distract myself before but now my kids are teenagers and Im now single and alone.

i'm felt so exhausted lately. i'm stressed from university, i'm anxious because i live with my overbearing gaslighting mother, and feel like my life is getting more and more dull. i had a really good friend for a while, let's call her M, and M and i were really close. we would hang out all the time, go get lunch, send memes and texts everyday when we were bored in our classes and were always hanging out. M is the first friend i've had in my life who was a real friend, not just someone who played nice with me because i was lonely enough to do whatever they said as long as i could sit with them at lunch. for the first time, in a really long time, i felt good. i had a job i liked, i was finally going back to school after taking a semester off for personal reasons, i was getting better after seven long years of not being ok. a few months ago M got a boyfriend. nothing really changed at first, M and i still hung out all the time and texted. but over the past three weeks M and i have barely spoken. it'll be days before she responds to a message and when she does it's with one word answers, and we haven't hung out in over two months. is it clingy and stupid of me to feel hurt by this? because M and i have stopped hanging out less, i've been forced to spend more time at my own house and it's taking it's toll on me. i don't know if it's a fact or not but i feel like a kid can always tell when their parent has given up on them. even from a young age. when you find your drawings in the trash instead of on the fridge next to your sibling's, when you ideas and wants are brushed off like dirt, when they stop saying i love you because they mean it and instead because they don't want to be a parent that doesn't say it. it's easy to tell for me. when i'm four miles from home on campus at 6 pm and i ask for a ride on her way home from work and the response i get is 'i love you but your problems aren't my problems and i'm focusing on other things right now.' it's easy to tell because when i bring things up, "hey let's watch this new movie that's coming out next week together! i think you'll like it and it's been a while since we've done anything!" it's easy to tell how little you mean when you get home and ask where she is and get a text that says 'decided to go see this new movie, figure out dinner yourself.' it's in the little things, like re-ordering food you've been allergic to your whole life and saying 'since when?' and the dismissive hand wave when you tell them you accomplished something you're proud of. every time it happens it hurts just a little more until you feel like a stranger to your own mother who still forces you into hugs and saying 'i love you' back when you know she doesn't give a damn about anything other than herself. and the one day you wake up and you hear her talking in the background to your step father who you've never been close to and you're standing in the kitchen and staring out the window and realize how unimportant you are in your own life and you suddenly feel so so lonely you feel so fucking lonely that you want to cry but youre too tired to cry and youre tired of crying and youre tired of being tired but you're so lonely that you cant even sleep and youre so touch starved that you would probably cry if anyone hugged you and you have no one to talk to because you know no one really cares so you end up typing out the way you feel online to a website of people with better things to do than read your pitiful cry for help and attention because god youre just so fucking lonely and stupid and you want to cry and you dont want to die- you know you don't because you know what that feels like- you've felt it before- and that's not how you feel now. right now you want to live. you want to live so fucking bad it hurts because the more you look at it the more you realize you're not even living you're just going through the motions of breathing, eating, going to class...and it feels like its never going to end

Hi, I went to study abroad when I was 18, everything was very scary at first until I met my former boyfriend that made my life so much easier. We were together for 3 years, during the second one I had my first anxiety crisis, I didn't know what was happening to me, I was shaking, I couldn't breath, a neighbor called an ambulance and my boyfriend. I felt so stupid when they told me I was okay. Ever since that day I haven't been the same. I was feeling very lonely that summer and I kissed with two guys to feel better I guess and be able to stay with my bf. I think the anxiety got a bit worse when I started feeling like I was too dependant on my boyfriend. I tried to do everything by myself from that moment on and the relationship got boring. When I decided to break up I was crying everyday, then I met a guy that liked me, we kissed, and that allowed me to finally break up. That was three months ago. I've been with the guy I kissed for two months now, I really like him but I am very insecure about the relationship because I don't want to be with somebody just because I'm afraid of being alone and I sincerely don't know if that's the case. I just went abroad to do a small internship and I already kissed a guy. I always tell everybody that I am in a relationship, specially if someone is flirting, but it's my only defense mechanism, those four guys didn't care and I felt like I had to kiss them, my heart starts pounding, I begin sweating cold, and I get a great sense of relief after the kiss. I have been thinking about going to see a therapist but I am a student and I don't have any money. I don't know what do to. I don't know if anyone is going to reply or if you are going to say horrible things. But if someone can explain to me what is going on and what can I do, I will try my best, I promise. I have this great fear of marrying someone and being unfaithful, I need to fix this.

Hi, I went to study abroad when I was 18, everything was very scary at first until I met my former boyfriend that made my life so much easier. We were together for 3 years, during the second one I had my first anxiety crisis, I didn't know what was happening to me, I was shaking, I couldn't breath, a neighbor called an ambulance and my boyfriend. I felt so stupid when they told me I was okay. Ever since that day I haven't been the same. I was feeling very lonely that summer and I kissed with two guys to feel better I guess and be able to stay with my bf. I think the anxiety got a bit worse when I started feeling like I was too dependant on my boyfriend. I tried to do everything by myself from that moment on and the relationship got boring. When I decided to break up I was crying everyday, then I met a guy that liked me, we kissed, and that allowed me to finally break up. That was three months ago. I've been with the guy I kissed for two months now, I really like him but I am very insecure about the relationship because I don't want to be with somebody just because I'm afraid of being alone and I sincerely don't know if that's the case. I just went abroad to do a small internship and I already kissed a guy. I always tell everybody that I am in a relationship, specially if someone is flirting, but it's my only defense mechanism, those four guys didn't care and I felt like I had to kiss them, my heart starts pounding, I begin sweating cold, and I get a great sense of relief after the kiss. I have been thinking about going to see a therapist but I am a student and I don't have any money. I don't know what do to. I don't know if anyone is going to reply or if you are going to say horrible things. But if someone can explain to me what is going on and what can I do, I will try my best, I promise. I have this great fear of marrying someone and being unfaithful, I need to fix this.

I've been fighting depression for many years now (9) and have recently been put on medication for anxiety. Im finding this all too overwhelming and I'm losing grip.. Here to find comfort with others so, hello! Feel free to message...

I am trying to type here, and nothing is showing up. Not sure what is wrong. Today I have been separated from my husband for three months by his choice not mine. He is deeply depressed, and we are just in limbo because he will no longer try counseling. We went to marriage counseling, and he had an appointment with his own counselor but he refused to go anymore. I recently found out that I have Apserger's on top of anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. I am lost and sad and lonely. I really have no one to talk to but my mother as I have no close friends. Being in limbo and not knowing what will eventually happen is scary. I am also worried about my husband, but I barely see him. I am seeing a therapist, and I take Klonopin but that doesn't help or change my situation. I can't work and have applied for disability. My two dogs are the only thing keeping me going. It is very stressful trying stretch money when we are living separately. I just wish I had someone else to talk to sometimes. My husband is/was my best friend but I am not sure if that person exists anymore. I have realized that many of his issues don't have to do with me, but that doesn't make me feel better. He never dealt with the c****r deaths of both his parents. He went to a grief group once, but he wouldn't talk because he was so upset. The counselor running the group stopped him when he left and told him she would see him separately but this has yet to happen. He called one and she wasn't in, and I don't think he has called back. I'm sorry if this seems to be rambling.

Hello, my name is Caroline. I'm new to both this website, and panic attacks. I haven't really been diagnosed or anything, but my father and mother have had panic attacks before, and my symptoms match up. I was even hospitalized not too long ago. (About a day or so ago. My days feel so mixed up now.) They prescribed me some medication for these panic attacks as well. I had my first one about a week ago, after smoking marijuana. After that terrible day, I have had non stop panic attacks. It felt so weird.. I felt as though I could not control my body. I felt like I lost control. The first thing I said to my mother was I am dying, and that sensation of dying has left me completely terrified of when I actually am dying. I now have an intense fear of death. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was being choked. I could feel my blood pumping through my body, as my arms and legs began to get numb. There is a strong pain in my chest, mixed with a burning. I start crying, hyperventilating.. but what I loathe even more than the actual panic attack itself, is thinking all day about when I am getting it again.. It doesn't hinder me going outside and enjoying life, as of now. I am afraid that it might get worse later.. It does hinder my sleep though, I always wake up scared. Scared of what exactly? I honestly couldn't tell anyone. I don't have insomnia, but I might get it soon. I don't think I can sleep without my mother rubbing my back, telling me all will be alright. Today is one of those nights where she wasn't rubbing my back, which explains why I am still wide eyed at about 6 am. I always been a very stress filled person, and I suffered depression for quite some time now. I am going to go out on a limb and assume that maybe these all correlate with each other. I could be incorrect though. I may not be having a panic attack at this very moment, but I did just wake up from one of my night terrors again. I only managed to get only an hour of sleep. I don't know if this is normal, if this is something anyone else feels. This inability to sleep. I guess someone could say I am slightly questioning my reality. All feels unreal. It feels like I am in a constant dream, and will wake up laughing at this whole thing. It's felt like this for years now.. It would be nice to associate with someone, anyone, singular or plural, who also deals with this. It would definitely calm my nerves, when no one else is around to help me. I don't have many friends anymore, so making some new ones who will help me with this new condition will surely make me a very happy girl. Bless you all so much, and thank you.

I don't know how much information we're supposed to (allowed to?) share, but I'll give you the basics. I'm 23 years old and I've suffered from depression and anxiety since my early teens. I used to be outgoing and I had a lot of friends as a child, but as soon as I turned fourteen, things changed. I (as well as my family) chalked it up as normal teenaged angst, but it wasn't. I gradually stopped socializing and hanging out with my friends. I spent more and more time on the internet, browsing through anything that would distract me from myself. I just wanted to be alone, all the time. As I grew older, it got worse. I stopped leaving my room, unless it was necessary (school, shower, kitchen, etc). I lost a ton of weight, which wasn't overly noticeable, as I was skinny to begin with, but my family definitely noticed that part. I went from being 100 lbs to 85 lbs in a few months. When I graduated high school, I started talking to this guy that I met online and he seemed to suffer from the same symptoms as I did, which I thought was a good thing, but it wasn't. Being with him just ruined any chance I had at fighting through this. It didn't help that he was a manipulative jerk, but that's beside the point. I felt worthless and stupid, and I eventually dropped out of college because I felt insecure and I didn't want to leave my house. Nothing has changed really. I'm not with that guy anymore, but I feel the same as I did back then. There are days when it's manageable, but it's getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I contemplated s****de around 18-20 years old. I'm no longer in that headspace, thankfully, but I do crave some sort escape. TL;DR - I'm lonely, and I need some positive influences in my life.

hmmm, what do you say when you dont want to speak, but you dont want to listen either,,? life sucks, it always had,.. 1 step froward 1 step back , 1 step sideways, it never gets any better year after year, anytime something good happens it always fall through, something bad happens no one to cry on, nobody to hug, only a pillow for tears

I've been on almost every medicine, and visited multiple psychologists. Actually, I know a lot about OCD now, except how to cure my own situation! ( Actually, there is no cure, you just have to deal with it in some way that suits you. ) I'm a musician, and actually kind of popular, or at least I used to be, before I quit drinking ( great! ) and my alcoholic friends abandoned me. ( wtf? ) I'm naturally antisocial, but have learned to pretend to be social in public! The problem is, I can't admit my OCD, hoarding or other symptoms to my friends, ( I've tried, it just scares people away. This is a cruel world. ) which means that I only have a few close friends and family, and a girlfriend who has her own issues, probably causing us to break up soon. In truth, I am very lonely, depressed, and you might notice, somewhat bitter about it, and I can't admit it, because nobody wants to hear it. But I can tell you people, in the middle of the night, because we don't know eachother IRL! Please offer suggestions, and I'll try to do the same for you. -Rockstar Steve