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Hello everyone. I recently posted on here about IBS, depression, and anxiety. Well today I am not doing that good in terms of my anxiety. I am so afraid. I apologize for being graphic, but on Saturday, I couldn't sleep and awoke at around 2:30am, I went to the bathroom and had a long narrow stool then pushed out tiny narrow pieces and my lower stomach was hurting. I also never go at this time. The next day it was similar but I let out what looked like mud after the initial solid stool. I am so afraid. I am hoping that I don't have c****r. My left lower back has on again off again discomfort. Today I went to the bathroom at my normal timt and it was short and hard and had white mucus in it. I am freaking out. My daughter will be 1 on the 27th and I am so afraid that I won't see her grow up. I feel like crying under a rock.

Back in the end of February, I went to the doctor for routine bloodwork, everything was fine except that my cholesterol was a bit high (not high enough to be on medication), but also my liver enzymes were elevated. My AST was 124 and my ALT was 319. When I received these results, they immediately repeated the test and included Hepatitis A, B, and C as well as my GGTP. The AST went down to 116 and the ALT went down to 302, the GGTP was 150. They then sent me for a CT Scan of my abdomen and pelvis. The results were the there was a 3cm hypodense region consistent with diffuse fatty change, but in the notes it said "3cm indeterminate hypodense region" further characterization with MRI is recommended. So I went to my cardiologist who referred me for the MRI. The MRI confirmed "diffuse hepatic steatosis" which is a fatty liver. I drank, but no hard alcohol and not in great excess. I then followed up with a gastroenterologist who told me everything would be ok. He did a DRE on me and it was negative for blood. Fast forward to about two months ago, I had my blood retested again. This time the AST went to 56 and ALT 175 and GGTP 88. The AST and ALT should both be below 40 and GGTP below 70. So now to my IBS concern. Back when this whole thing started, I was overweight. I am 5'11 and weighed 210 to 213. When I got the news of my fatty liver, the doctor told me that I had to eat better, so I immediately and abruptly changed my diet. I cut out pizza, cake, cookies, red meat, soda, and alcohol to be on the safe side. What happened was I went from that weight to about 183 to 185 today. Everyone is telling me that it is because I drastically changed how I eat. I have had no fast food and almost zero junk food. I started eating a healthy breakfast, something like honey nut cheerios, a triple 0 yogurt, plain oatmeal, and some fruit like a banana. Sometimes I will have eggs on whole wheat. Lunch I make healthy choices and my wife doesn't fry food anymore. I almost completely cut out fried food. Lately I have noticed that my stool habits are changing. Sometimes it is thin but not pencil thin, Sometimes it is long and well formed. Sometimes it is dark brown and sometimes it is light brown. I usually go in the morning within about 30 minutes of waking up. What scares me is that randomly I will go during the day, but not too often. When I am off work on the weekends, sometimes I will go three times during the day. One thing I have notices is that the tip of the stool is hard but the rest is soft sometimes and sometimes I have to give a push in the morning, not a strain, but a slight push to get it started and then the rest is usually ok. Lately I have been having passing slight soreness in my left abdomen, but sometimes my right side also. Also I have been having lower and upper back discomfort. None of these pains are unbearable, more annoying than anything. I often find myself crying hysterically and I even went to numerous doctors and ER's. They all felt my stomach and said I am fine, they even looked at my bloodwork and CT scan. One ER doctor gave me low dose Xanax 0.25mg. I have never taken anything like that in my life, I find it makes me sluggish and slow. My CT scan said "no bowel obstruction or wall thickening" and my MRI was good, my CBC was fine too other than the issues that I mentioned earlier. My issue is that I read symptoms online of colon c****r and am scared to death. My moms father died of it at 62 and my mom had a NON c****rous polyp removed. I have an old boss who died of it in his mid 30's. I feel neurotic and afraid to do anything anymore. I have an 11 month old baby girl and a wife and I am shaking in my boots. I have read that IBS is more likely for someone younger, but that it is more predominant in women, and that scares me too. Like I said, I have never had blood that I can see, the only time that happened was when I had a hemorrhoid, but the doctor definitively said it was a hemorrhoid. I have read so many websites that I can't even count. I always think well what if the back pains mean it spread to my lungs or worse. Everyone I have talked to said it is my nerves and doctors have said that it is anxiety, The pains in my abdomen and back come and go, they are not 24/7 or excruciating. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Thank you all for reading my novel of a post.

Hello everybody. I am sure there are others out there experiencing what I am about to describe. Just a fair warning if you will, some of what I and possibly others will be discussing on this particular thread may be considered graphic or "gross" and is not meant to offend anyone.....Here is my story. My name is Mike, I am 31 years old and live in New York. At the end of February/beginning of March, I went to the doctor for some minor discomfort in my upper chest. The doctor did an EKG and said that I may have an arrhythmia which could be because I was very nervous, so I never gave that very much thought. The doctor also wanted to do some bloodwork. I am 5'11 and then was 210 pounds, I was mostly heavy in the stomach. I ate whatever I wanted. I went back to the doctors office the next day and she went over the results with me. She said that my cholesterol was high, but not high enough to be on medicine for, so that wasn't too bad. The alarming thing was that my liver enzymes were elevated. This really scared me because my grandmother on my mothers side died of a rare form of liver c****r. My AST was 124 and my ALT was at 319. Upon getting these results, the doctor immediately re-did the test, the time testing for Hepatitis A, B, and C as well as GGTP. The new results were that my AST was 116 and ALT 302 and now GGTP was 150. The normal ranges for AST and ALT are 40 or below and GGTP is 71 or below. The doctor then sent me for a CT Scan of my abdomen and pelvis. At this point I am so scared. I went for the CT Scan and it revealed that I had a fatty liver. Went I heard this from the doctor, I almost cried. I actually did cry. The doctor then referred me to a GI specialist. Rather than immediately going to a GI, I went to one of the best cardiologists around my area. I did this because I have a history of heart problems in my family. The cardiologist did an ECHO, EKG, and stress test which all came back perfectly normal with no issues at all. I showed him my bloodwork and CT Scan results. Because the CT Scan results said "indeterminate hypodense region 3cm suggest further characterization with MRI", he wanted to send me for an MRI which he said was the gold standard and he wanted to make sure the fatty liver was not mistaken for a mass. The MRI confirmed that I had a "diffuse hepatic steatosis" which is another term for fatty liver. The original doctor told me that I need to change my diet and eat healthier, so out of utter fear that is exactly what I did. I immediately and I guess you can say drastically changed my diet. I immediately cut out most red meats, cold cuts, pizza, cake, cookies, ice cream, buffalo wings, chips, fries, and alcohol (never drank hard alcohol, just beer). Here is where my anxiety is kicking into over drive, I went from 210 pounds when this whole ordeal started in March to now in the month of August 183 to 185. Most of this weight came off the first month. I did intend to eat better, but I did not anticipate such a dramatic weight loss. I read that weight loss can be a sign of c****r and I am convinced that I have it, particularly colon c****r. I did end up going for a consult in April with a GI. The GI did a digital rectal exam and said there was no blood. He felt and listened to my stomach and said there was no tumors and said to just let it go. So that I did. I have been noticing lately that my bowel habits are changing or have changed. I used to just go once in the morning when I woke up and now I am going another time in the afternoon which I never go in the afternoon. The stool is hard and lumpy at one end and well formed on the other end. I am also noticing these tiny pin point like black specks. It almost looks like black pepper flakes. I was scared that this is blood, but my current doctor whom I trust, says that blood would not present that way, the whole stool would be black. Lately, I have been experiencing some abdominal and pelvic discomfort along with lower back pain and discomfort. Sometimes when I breathe in and out I feel a slight pain on my left abdomen and also when I lean back in my chair at work. I asked my doctor about this and he didn't seem too concerned. My grandfather on my mothers side died of colon c****r at 62 and my old boss at 35. I am so scared! I have an almost 1 year old baby girl whom I fear I won't see grow up. I am crying everyday. My family is getting so tired of me because they say it is anxiety causing the pain and that I changed my diet. Here is a rough idea of what I usually eat. For breakfast I usually have a bowl of cereal with skim milk like plain special k and sometimes I make 2 eggs and have oatmeal with it. Then when I get to work, I will have a plain toasted bagel with a bit of cream cheese, an orange juice and Belvita snack cookie. For lunch I will have a piece of grilled chicken of some kind along with brown rice and sometimes veggies. For dinner my wife will make chicken or fish with brown rice and sometimes some salad. I am keeping myself at around 2,270 calories or less, I don't even know how many calories I was eating prior, I never counted, I would eat what I wanted when I wanted. My doctor said he wasn't concerned about my weight loss. He said I am still overweight according to the BMI chart and that I should lose a little more. Today as in around this time period, I experience abdominal discomfort sometimes when I move side to side. I am so afraid of what I am experiencing. My new doctor says not to worry and doesn't even want me to see another doctor other than a mental health professional. I am so afraid that all of this means colon c****r. I cry all the time. My baby girl started crawling and standing up. Just yesterday she was crawling and chasing the cat and laughing and I had to walk away and started crying because in my mind I feel like I am not going to see her grow up. I also do not have the same appetite and get full and bloated easily after eating a small amount. I am so afraid. If there is anybody out there going through this, or even someone in the medical field, please feel free to join this thread. I should also add that I had my blood re-tested in April and the AST went to 56 and ALT 175. The GGTP went down to 88. with these liver tests, were also CBC's which came back normal (white blood cell, red blood cell etc...) My CT Scan that I had said "no bowel obstruction or wall thickening" and the MRI was normal also other than the fatty liver. I know these tests aren't for colon c****r, but wouldn't they have shown something? Wouldn't something show up in my blood? I am freaking out scared and crying over this.

I am just having a problem with my nights and days right now and it's pissing my wife off. Who by the way I had to commit to the hospital for depression, because no one would accept her.

I have been taking Lexapro for a while now. Due to some other health prob i stopped taking it since i was on so many meds. I never did i think i was doing wrong by doing that. i felt like i was going crazy. i couldnt concentrate at all.i felt very spaced out. i was beyond tired. i felt very low. the anxiety got worse. i talked to a friend who also takes lexapro and she yelled at me cuz i just stopped taking it. ive become very scared. i started back taking it daily since my other health probs are under control. i dnt feel like it working anymore. anyone going through the same?

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Hey. My name's Lola and I have a problem with anxiety. Like a big, life-altering issue. I've had anxiety since I was a kid and dealt with some family issues. My parents didn't always get on very well and once alcohol got into my stepdad things turned ugly. This coupled with the fact that he despised me, made for a very unhappy childhood. I didn't realize until I was in high school that the panic I was feeling was an actual disorder. I thought I was crazy and just emotional. I thought I was alone because no one could understand why I didn't trust going out to parties, why I couldn't breath if I thought I had caused a problem or failed a class. My mind automatically jumped to the worst scenario imaginable and it stuck in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about whatever was distressing me. It's still that way. Anxiety is a crippling thing. Quite literally. I have such high anxiety all the time, that it has caused numbness to spread throughout my body. It causes my muscles to be weak and tingly feeling. I can't trust anyone because when I see a situation that I'm uncomfortable with my mind fills in terrible things. I just need to know that I'm not alone and that there are people like me.

Hello there, Our names are Ashley, Molly, James, Esther, and Claire. My name, being the host, is Stephanie. I'm searching for others that share the same struggles with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Over the span of my lifetime, I've encountered so many times of heartbreak and strife, and it led me to splinter into many other personalities. Think of it as someone dissecting six very different people, cutting their brains into shapes, and molding them all into one skull. Gruesome, of course. Accurate? Definitely. These people are part of me. Esther needs reading glasses, and Ashley's eyesight is sharp as a tack. James loves women and automatically knows how to be intimate with them, while Claire is completely straight. She loves our fiancé, Ryan. But she has secrets. Last, there is one that wants us to die. They imagine us lying in a white tile bathroom, watching blood stream from our wrists. He doesn't have a name, and it's terrifying. Because he's right next to be in the passenger seat. s****de is absolutely NOT what we are going to do because our goal is to live together peacefully. We want a full life. We want to be discovered. But we also know when things are tough to persevere and keep on keepin' on. We're on the road to coexistence. We all want to know what happened to our Stephanie. But like our therapists say, "One day at a time." If you would like to know more about us or if you want to simply say hello, please do! We would love to chat. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this small bio of our life. Have a good one! A.M.J.E.C., and Stephanie

So, I don't know what this was a couple nights ago. But I suffer from Major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I was crying because I felt so worthless. But as I was doing this I was on Skype with my boyfriend. And as I cried, I remembered all of the nasty things my ex boyfriend and his friends told me. And all of a sudden I just started to laugh uncontrollably and then after I laughed for ten minutes I started crying again. Then I felt so alive that I was about to bust out of my body. I told my boyfriend I wanted to run five miles. And I wanted to have sex with everyone. I never acted like this before . And I started to talk so fast. I almost threw up. Then when I calmed down enough and I was about to go to sleep, I was scared someone was going to watch me in my sleep and hurt me. The next morning I clung on to my boyfriend at school, telling him not to abandon me . I asked him to double check his doors and windows to make sure there locked. I was scared all day . Now, two days later I wonder what that even was. EDIT: I am NOT abusing any medication or on any street drugs

So, I don't know what this was a couple nights ago. But I suffer from Major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I was crying because I felt so worthless. But as I was doing this I was on Skype with my boyfriend. And as I cried, I remembered all of the nasty things my ex boyfriend and his friends told me. And all of a sudden I just started to laugh uncontrollably and then after I laughed for ten minutes I started crying again. Then I felt so alive that I was about to bust out of my body. I told my boyfriend I wanted to run five miles. And I wanted to have sex with everyone. I never acted like this before . And I started to talk so fast. I almost threw up. Then when I calmed down enough and I was about to go to sleep, I was scared someone was going to watch me in my sleep and hurt me. The next morning I clung on to my boyfriend at school, telling him not to abandon me . I asked him to double check his doors and windows to make sure there locked. I was scared all day . Now, two days later I wonder what that even was.

So, I don't know what this was a couple nights ago. But I suffer from Major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I was crying because I felt so worthless. But as I was doing this I was on Skype with my boyfriend. And as I cried, I remembered all of the nasty things my ex boyfriend and his friends told me. And all of a sudden I just started to laugh uncontrollably and then after I laughed for ten minutes I started crying again. Then I felt so alive that I was about to bust out of my body. I told my boyfriend I wanted to run five miles. And I wanted to have sex with everyone. I never acted like this before . And I started to talk so fast. I almost threw up. Then when I calmed down enough and I was about to go to sleep, I was scared someone was going to watch me in my sleep and hurt me. The next morning I clung on to my boyfriend at school, telling him not to abandon me . I asked him to double check his doors and windows to make sure there locked. I was scared all day . Now, two days later I wonder what that even was.

Hello all. I tapered off lexapro, 5 weeks ago was my last tablet. Currently experiencing severe anxiety pretty much all day, crying at the drop of a hat all day and depersonalization/derealization. Is this normal after stopping an ssri even after 5 weeks?? I was taking it for 15 months all up. Please help. Im so jittery and scared!

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Hi everyone, I'm new to this site so sorry if I've posted in wrong section. I'm sarah 23 year old , i have 2 children and suffer with severe gad, panic attacks and depression and a little ocd, it all started 3 years ago when I was going through a bad time, I was just laid in bed and started feeling funny , heart racing , couldn't breathe, tingling arms and all the rest that comes with it. Ever since then I've been having panic attacks every day which I hate and its ruining my life, thing have got worse since my dad got I'll with c****r and a stroke I have developed health anxiety and I'm convinced I'm going to die. I'm constantly in an anxious state, I hardly eat and lost lots of weight due to this so feeling crap about myself at the minute. Its nice to no I'm not alone although I don't wish these horrible feelings on anyone. Looking forward to chatting with you all X

Hi everyone, I lost my job about two months ago and since then have been struggling a lot with depression and anxiety. I've lost some weight due to stomach issues tied to those feelings and have a hard time staying asleep, waking up about 3 hours after falling asleep to toss and turn. My hands feel overheated and sometimes have a burning sensation, mostly at night after going to bed. I went to a doctor and tried Zoloft, but had terrible side effects after one dose so she put me on Wellbutrin. I am in the process of trying to find a therapist. This is all pretty scary to me.

Hello Everyone, I am new to this website and have never really put my issues out there to strangers, but lately, I am finding the need to have an outlet and to find people who are similar to I am as well as are going through the same things. I was formally diagnosed with ADHD and major depression/anxiety at the age of 18 and had a difficult time coming to terms with the diagnoses and wasn't particularly open to the idea of sharing them with anybody, even though the diagnoses were a long time coming (at least in my eyes), but was quite receptive to the idea of medication. I have struggled on and off throughout the years, even before being diagnosed. My major issues lie with the depression and anxiety and only have seemed to go downhill after my relationship of almost 5 years crumbled, which is quite typical, right? My ex and I remain close because we struggle with the same issues, but he was diagnosed way earlier than I was. But what I am more so interested in is having a friend or friends who are also struggling since I feel like I am exhausting my ex as an outlet resource and I believe having a friend or friends who are similar to I may relieve some stress off of him as well as be beneficial for me. I have weird trusting issues, especially towards females because of some past issues with previous relationships as well as my mom. I can make friends easily, it's keeping them that's the problem. I've been told I give some good advice and I am also receptive to the advice of others. If anyone would like to reach out and speak, I would be all for it. I would definitely be interested in making some friends and having another outlet other than my ex.

This has been the hardest year of my life so far. I'm only 19 but of my 19 years this one was been the most difficult. I moved away from home last year to go to school in a new city without knowing anyone besides my roommate. This probably wasn't my best decision. So, when i started my first year of university, i quickly realized that meeting people is extremely difficult if you don't live on campus which i do not. I spent all of my first year alone- i didn't make a lot of friends and went from class where i didn't talk to many people to my condo where i still didn't talk to anyone. My roommate is very different from me so we didn't have lots of things to talk about. I made it through the year by facetiming my mom and my sisters all the time- they kept me sane while i was coping with the drastic change. Back home, i have a really great group of friends and I was always surrounded by family and friends that supported me, i never knew how much that meant to me until i only saw them a few times a month. so going from always feeling accepted and loved to being alone and lonely was rough. I didn't notice anything had changed with me until i went home for the summer. When i moved back home until school started up again i quickly realized that something was very off with me. I wasn't enjoying the things i used to, i didn't feel like myself. Being back with all my friends, doing all the things we did before i left for school didn't feel the same as they did before and that made me concerned and upset. My best friends and i got tickets for a concert in late september and i was soo excited for it but by the time i was at the concert in july, i couldn't feel the way i wanted to. I couldn't feel excited to enjoy myself. That was the first time i really really noticed what was wrong. Before, i knew that when i said i was excited to go out or something i didn't actually feel it, i just said it because i knew thats what i should have been feeling but the feelings were never there. so, i went to my doctor and told her everything that had been going on with me and she referred me to a therapist. After i talked with my therapist for a few weeks, she told me what it was thats been happening to me- i have generalized anxiety and depression. This has been weighing on me pretty heavily- its hard to talk about it with people because it just seems like a topic thats not supposed to be talked about but i want to. I need a space where i can talk about it and talk to other people who are feeling the same way i am. I've been working with my therapist to find ways i can learn to handle and limit my anxiety but its not easy and my friends and family don't understand. Its hard to talk to my friends about things that im anxious about or how i feel because they just try and compare it to theirs but its not the same thing because they don't have anxiety attacks or don't sleep because of it. I just need to find people who really understand what im going through.

Hello again I am in the middle of a very rough time right now. I'm about to go to bed and I am thinking about lots of things. Stress of bills and trying to get a job and such as well as if you read in previous posts I was dropped off of my anti depressant medication. My anxiety and depression have been absolutely at their worst ever since the bad experience with weed in January. And since I was dropped off of my medicine I have had constant questioning of everything. Like constantly asking what could be wrong with me. If that little bit of numbness or pain could be a sign of a huge problem like a heart attack or stroke. My last several nights have been a horrible experience with bad sleep. So because of this horrible sleep I have had groggy slow anxiety filled days with dizziness (probably caused in part by other things) just always horrible and scary. I do find some happy times while watching TV or playing a game and my mind is off of it but then I will get the my life is ruined there is no point in going on thoughts and it causes worse anxiety and then that backs up that thought of my life being a constant anxious mess and it will never get better. I'm thinking I can't enjoy the simple things in life anymore like riding a motorcycle or driving without bad anxiety and depression knocking me down and making me feel like I would be best off doing you know what since I can't enjoy life. I know this isn't true. It's just depression getting the best off me but I am having more and more trouble every day not taking the s*****e thing to heart and thinking what if I do it? And than my anxiety gets even worse and so do the thoughts then I feel I actually may do it instead of what ifs and images flash of me just ending it. This is so hard for me to handle.how should I be handling this situation? Should I be fighting and thinking its not the right thing to do and you are not that bad off and if will get better and relax you aren't gonna do it? Even though that approach causes and internal clash of what ifs and its to late and stuff. I just say my therapist w few days ago and she was explaining about how it sounds like I have add and ocd and get trapped on these thought loops and can't get out. So I end up kind of playing into them and thinking this is it. And everyone is gonna miss me is guess. But my anxiety just gets worse thinking about it because I don't want this! What should I do I am literally petrified Im gonna do it. I am calling my phyc doc tomorrow to hopefully set up an appointment to get a new med started or something because coming off of that anti depressant has made me hit rock bottom. This is a horrible time for me. Pease let me know when these thoughts occur should one feed into them? If so how by accepting them or fighting and saying its the wrong thing to do? Or should they be ignored and try to out my mind somewhere else? I guess mindfulness is my best friends. Thanks for any input in advance.

I've been fighting depression for many years now (9) and have recently been put on medication for anxiety. Im finding this all too overwhelming and I'm losing grip.. Here to find comfort with others so, hello! Feel free to message...

Hello all. This is a very sensitive subject for me to talk about but I must. So as you may know throughout my life I have had depression on and off that I never really took note too. But now that my anxiety has gotten worse so has my depression. Over the past summer I never really took note to any worse depression just bad anxiety but sense I was dropped off of my anti depressant citalopram hydrobromide about around a month ago maybe a little more I have noticed it has gotten worse. It's not a constant problem like my qnxiety hoenthat is at least once a day but it does come and go and causes anxiety in and of itself. It's weird because with my anxiety and derealization some days I literally feel like s shell of emotions walking numbky through my day but it causes depression. I will start thinking things like maybe I should just give up. All I do is lay around (which isn't true I have done more in the last few months than I usually do) but it still really hits me hard. Makes me feel down. Than I get thoughts like other people have given up and took their live what if I make the same decision. Then it gets bad. Sometimes I'll picture myself jumping off a cliff or something and that causes bad anxiety. Than the anxiety itself causes worse thoughts becasue I think I don't want to live like this. I kind of get a numb emotional feeling while this is all going on which is really scary when I think of it. Then I start thinking what if I actually do something irrational? And on top of those thoughts I get even worse ones like what ifi end up like one of those people on line who are posting and asking for help and then it happens anyways? What if this is all a waste? Lots of horrible thoughts. But I have so many things to live for. I have lots of hobbies and activists I lovemtomtake part in it its like when I try to find happiness in the hobbies or activities anxiety and depression work together to tear that apart for me. It sucks. I mean I know I'm probably being irrational in a lot of ways and if I never heard of the stories of all of the people on line who have taken their lives I probably wouldnt have ever started thinking lot of these awfull thoughts. It got bad about 2 weeks after I was dropped off my anti depressant and I saw one of the YouTube vloggers I used to follow took their lives. It hit me hard and hit so close to home I can't get it out of my head. It's like I keep subconsciously wanting to put myself in the situation or something because sometimes I don't know why I get these wavesmof depression. Anyways thank you so much for reading this in advanced and hope this doesn't hit to close to home with anyone because I know when I read something similar I got caught on the idea.

I don't know if I'm posting this under the right topic. I just googled and signed up on this forum because I trust no one to share how I'm feeling right now. A year ago I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety disorder and Generalized Anxiety disorder. I took the medication for some time but lost my prescription this month. And I'm in my hometown and I am not taking my medication. My doctor is going to be pissed. I write short stories , poems and shit and post it on facebook and few girls are kinda interested in me because of that. I am too shy or anxious for meet them so I usually try long distance relationships. But I had to break up with a girl I had an online relationship with. I just couldn't take it anymore. We both had anxieties and nobody can understand me as good as she did but there was no way I was going to be with her. I don't even have a passport yet for the god's sake and I am going back to college again and I don't know where my future might lead me. Quitting college and again getting back makes me quite anxious too. Like wtf.. I don't know shit. I hope I will able to pick up on school and not end up depressed like in high school. So, yeah.. I kinda fell in love with one girl who writes too and is from same town I'm from and studies in same city, I study in. But the thing is she had a boyfriend, who she hasn't broken up with yet, officially. She is in a secret relationship with me. She says she loves me, is not going to break my heart and shit and she wants to date me but she will need a couple of years to make it public? Wth? One reason might be because we are from really traditional place and she doesn't want her family to find out or she might be thinking it might not work because of some reason. One thing that scares me is .. Is she going to take her boyfriend back if he comes are cries in front of her? Another thing that scares me is whether I'm being played. But I did put these insecurities in front of her and she's like "get and job in 8 years and marry me". Then again she gets jealous of my girl best friend so .. meh.. idk ... The real issue with me is that I'm a guy who has been faking confidence. I'm out of medication and I can't obtain them this month by any means. Heck, I don't even know the routes of city I live in. And being an anxious guy and having shitty data connection for navigation and a shitty phone overall sucks. She wants to go to a movie with me next month if everything works out fine. She would want to go on more dates. And I don't even know if I'm always going to be scared of her? I know I'm a loser.. I'm pathetic.. I might now deserve her but this is how I am.. too scared to do anything but I went out and tried and it worked and here I am .. still scared :/

Hey, you can call me Alex. I've suspected that I've had depression for awhile now, but I haven't got it diagnosed yet. I feel blue almost all of the time, I could be asleep for, on some days (lasting for weeks), 15 minutes (or no sleep), and others, 20 hours. The sleep tmes bounce around, but I am always tired, possibly due to anaemia. I am prescribed vitamin B12, C, D3, Mg, and Iron. I've suffered through su*c*dal -- possibly stress-induced -- thoughts, but I know I wouldn't actually die that way due to not wanting to burden others. Self-harming was also a thing that I did a few months ago to rid myself of stress, so now I am applying bio oil, as I have a lot of scars that cover almost my entire left arm that I need to rid of. My motivation is practically in the negatives, and thinking about getting out of bed just sickens me mentally and physically. Everything seems like a waste of time and I am always getting angry at people. This has lasted me for about a year or so now (I am in grade 11). I truly do believe that if I could lose some weight either by dieting more and running on my non-existent treadmill that I could be happy. Nevertheless, I told my mom that I'd like to get medicated before this gets any worse about 2 months ago, to no avail. I think I've pushed that enough, in my opinion. Anyhow, I guess that sums up my undiagnosed depression. Now the weird stuff: 1. I have a weird obsession with having to be on the right (location) side of moving things. If I am walking with a friend, I have to have my friend to my left. If I am with two others, I can either be in the middle or to the far right, but never to the left of anybody. This is the same while driving. It makes me nervous and almost paralyzing when I am in either the middle or left lane. If I'm not in the right lane, I feel anxious, I start to fidget and move around a lot more than usual (quite a lot), and I become inoperable. It is all I can think about. Whenever I'm not on the right side, I begin to get really stressed, really quickly and it just hurts. I experience extreme discomfort by something so trivial. None of my friends experience this at all -- all they have is a preference. Why does this happen? 2. I oftentimes become inoperable when I have these odd thoughts where I am solving a puzzle sort of thing in my head (e.g., tetris-type game, accuracy-involving games, thinking about drawing a certain line [be it curved or straight], etc) and the game can't be solved within my mind. For instance, I will be lying down and thinking about two lines connecting or something, but they never do in my head, so I have this compulsion to act on it in real life. In my mind, it is like the lines are always about to touch, but never quite reach kind of thing. If I am drawing a certain curve in my head that I cannot get right (which is odd considering the fact that it is purely my mind making these little games) so I have to draw out the curve in reality in order to relieve these feelings of incredibly high amounts of anxiety, stress, frustration, and paralyzation. Once these problems appear in my mind, I can't get rid of them and I obsess over them until I get that same sensation in real life. Another thing would be not being able to feel a certain touching feeling, like curling a finger and knocking on the door with a knuckle. Once I try to remember that feeling, I won't be able to think of myself knocking on a door with a finger knuckle, so I will have to curl my finger in real life and just keep rubbing, stretching, and feeling my knuckle until the feeling of stress and compulsion goes away. 3. I am always getting called out for moving/rocking/shaking a lot. I am always rocking back and forth, shaking my leg violently, quickly moving forward and backward, etc. This ends up disturbing a lot of my friends because it normally shakes everything around me. The weird part, though, is how, when my friends try to hold me down from shaking, I just can't stop. It's like breathing almost, and the feeling of it slowing down is so weird. It makes me feel really uncomfortable; it gives me this imagination that my clockwise energy is being turned counterclockwise or something. 4. I think the last one I will list is my irritableness to noises that some might find to be minor disturbances, but nothing more. Hearing people eat makes me incredibly angry to the point where it is the only thing I can think about, and the anger is so uncomfortable that my eyes sometimes turn bloodshot and I need to leave the room. This normally happens when I am trying to sleep. The noises of cheering crowds on commercials, eating, breathing, or really any noise that I don't have control over in my sleep make me infuriated. Why? I also generally think about the OCD thing being minor because of the intrusive thoughts and the left vs right moving. I thought my mind game thing to be intrusive because I do not want to think and stress over these impossible thoughts, and, coming into my memory, doesn't leave until dealt with several times IRL. As for anxiety, I would assume a lot of my actions to be due to social anxiety (which runs in the family on my mom's side). Many reasons for social anxiety, but I would mainly like to understand why I have these moments and stuff Thank you! -Alex

Hello all again its been quite a while. Been busy with lots of things and trying to get myself back on track with depression and anxiety standing right in my way. For the last few months I've been doing really good actually with lots of progress and interacting more socially and having a higher self esteem. But I have had my problems. I have a habit (which I have read comes with autism) where I persevere on thoughts. I loop thoughts and ideas in my head repeatedly. Sometimes for a few minutes sometimes for months on and off. I'll hear or see something and then can't get my mind off of it. A great example was today. The last few days have been alright except the extra stress of a few things. One being my car needed some work and I have been working my butt off getting that done sense Friday and two my phsycologist doctor completely dropped me from my 20mg citalopram and I have been getting the typical tingling shooting pins and needles sensations and other side effects that accompanies withdrawal. I think dropping from 20mg a day to nothing made this alot worse then usual. Also my anxiety and depression have definitely been worse sense Thursday when I stopped taking the med. Well between having a bad nights sleep last night working on and stressing over my car and dealing with paint fumes i stupidly breathed in that definitely did not help matters with the anti depressant citalapram being dropped I felt like crap. On top of all this I still have my bad looping of thoughts with my health and derealization and thinking something's medically wrong with my heart of something and looping that. Anyways A few a hours ago I was watching YouTube. Felt OK for the moment. Then I found some videos on depression and anxiety and other people coping with it. Then out of nowhere seeing these comments about how you have to fight and get through and how bad it can be my anxiety flared up thinking about it. That then became a viscous cycle for the last few hours between depression related thoughts and ideas and then my anxiety flaring thinking about them just kept escalating the situation. Eventually I saw a comment that was about a friend of theirs that committed s*****e. I hate that word because the moment I read that comment something broke me down. I started thinking about what if I get in the same situation. Am I loosing control? Will I do the same thing? Then the panic attacks and derealization got really bad and (I am mad at myself for letting this even cross my mind) I think what if its the only way to make this stop? What if I give up? Maybe I should. The even scarier part was I started to picture myself doing it in my mind. One thing though is my mind runs almost uncontrollably sometimes and these horrible thoughts I want to block out just come though uncontrollably. I think I have ADHD and or ADD which makes of worse. These thoughts drove me into a full panic state of mind because I do not want that. I love life and know I can live it happily without having to do such a horrible thing. Its just when I let a thought break through that mental barrier I can't help but let it get to me and loop it in my head over and over. And as I loop it I get worse and worse anxiety like a horrible cycle one feeds on the other. I am a very sensitive person. I have a lot of trouble processing things like this. Now for the next several days I'll be feeling better and ready to enjoy life then I'll have the looped depression driven thought from this experience come racing around again and flare this up. I also have a hypersensitivity to my feelings and thoughts and surroundings. When I was younger I could not stand anything loud. And i had crazy bad sensory issues with shirts which i still have. This hypersensitivity has turned into an extreme sensitivity to changes in my body chemistry. Which is why I can not get high without panic attacks. I feel even the smallest bit of anything. The other day I walked up on my freind who smokes weed and inhaled a tiny bit of a cloud of smoke he exhaled. A bit later I started to actually feel high. Whether it was because I actually had such a hypersensitivity I was a tiny bit high or my anxiety made me think that it almost caused panic attacks. I had to leave him and go home. Gonna get ahold of my phsycologist doctor tommorow and see what she recommends. Anyways I hope this want too long but i guess I'm doing OK now just tired and ready to head to bed but it felt really good to get that off of my mind. I have been an emotional wreck lately and lots of thoughts on top of the looping thing just really get to me. Anyways thanks for reading my massive novel of a post and hope all is well with everyone. BTW could this be related to the rapid withdrawal of the anti depressant citalopram hydrobormide I have been on for 3+ years?

I have suffered with depression on and off since I was 16.. I am in my late 20's now.. I never sought help for a long period of time and managed it on my on..but lately I just can't do it.. I am not currently working.. I am dependent on assistance from the state as far as money goes right now till I get back on my feet.. I tried going to school to study so I could finally get my ged.. I dropped out of high school at 17.. thats another long story.. but anyways I have fought my whole life.. to get off the streets when I have been homeless.. to find whatever jobs I could find.. and finally... I decided to go back to school.. but I was told I can't.. there is a whole lot of red tape involved.. and I am just tired.. so tired of fighting.. my school doesn't even want to help with paperwork I need filled out.. so why bother? I stopped going.. I haven't left the house in 3 days because I just don't care anymore.. I don't have it in me for s****de so no worries there..

Hello, I was on the web searching for some support groups/forums/chat etc for people with the same struggles I have face since I was 16 years old (27 now) so here I am! I come from a very dysfunctional background.. life has thrown more curveballs at me than I could ever catch.. I have been in therapy in the past.. a few years ago.. but then I stopped without real valid reason.. I picked in back up a few months ago and intend to keep at it... because my list of friends keeps shrinking.. and I don't have much family.. anyways.. not getting into a whole autobiography but just wanted to give you an idea of my situation.. in therapy I was diagnosed with agoraphobia.. which I thought just meant you didn't/ couldn't leave your house.. but turns outs its more than that.. currently not taking any meds.. never have because no one has seen me long enough I guess or my issues don't appear to warrant the need for it.. not sure.. guess thats up to my therapist to decide.. anyways.. hoping to make some friends here.. hoping to find some very like minded people that understand where I am coming from.