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Hello, I’m so glad that I found this group! Yesterday I was on the verge of committing myself because Im still trying to get a diagnosis. I’ve had approximately 6 therapist in the last 10 years and I’m convinced that nobody really wants to help unless you demand it. It’s not enough that they are getting paid, they also have to be nudged along to do their job thoroughly. I saw my therapist on Tuesday and opened up to her about some of my thoughts. She said that she would email me exercises for my current struggle with anxiety (rumination), I waited until Thursday before I emailed her to let her know that I never received the email. She responded back that school closed early and she had to get her children and she would send it the next morning, Here we are almost Sunday and still no email. My next appointment is Tuesday..... I plan on letting her have a piece of my mind when i get there. Im feeling a little better today. I was able to find my old psychiatrist from 10 years ago. I stopped going to her because she moved over an hour away but she’s now back at her old office from what I can see online. I left a message. Hopefully I hear something soon. Im ready to go back on meds.... Background Long story short, I remember being a small child and thinking I caused a car accident because I fell alseep while my mom was driving. See, my mom drove the car but I helped by pushing the imaginary petals in the back seat (I did this every time we went for a drive) I was riddled with guilt thinking that i had cause the accident. I thought about it obsessively. I cried.... but didn’t tell my mom because I was scared that she would be mad. That’s my first memory of rumination..... the first of many. As I get older its increasingly harder to distract myself as I did when I was a kid. Im a semi newly divorce mom (2 years this coming March) and Im lonely because I can’t date...... I mean who would want to deal with this ocd baggage. Im a nice looking woman, Exotic looking from what Ive been told but Im petrified to get close to anyone for fear of them finding out my deepest secret. Im 40 but look much younger thanks to my parents who seem to have made a deal with the devil to look much younger too. My dad is 69 and he has only a few grey hairs and not one visible wrinkle. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia before I was born..... Vietnam war vet..... what a gene cocktail. To my knowledge he’s never taken meds but was medically discharged from the army with that diagnosis. We dont talk about it because he claims he faked it to get out of the army but everyone knows that’s not the truth. We just grin and bare it. Some of my ruminations and oddities … My health is always the Pink Elephant in the OCD room, however I’m not ready to be specific about that just yet.... My children.... I fear them being sexually abused... it’s hard to not think about it when they are out of my presence. This is where I stop..... My food just came.... Im down to one small meal a day (usually in the evening so I can sleep comfortably). I skipped a couple of days of eating since last Tuesday. This is my body’s response to my anxiety. I need too loose weight anyway so Im not too worried yet. I haven’t felt this bad in almost 10 years. Im mad at myself for returning back to this………… for not being strong.... It was easier to distract myself before but now my kids are teenagers and Im now single and alone.