esrevni

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Everything posted by esrevni

  1. The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain.

  2. I want an orange in a land full of apples.

    1. Holz

      Holz

      <<<hates apples

  3. Welcome to AC!!! It's great to hear an inspiring story! I'm sure that will give those who suffer from ED hope
  4. I've only dated a bi-polar person once myself; we had a lot of conflicting issues. However, could you elaborate? Are you seeking more knowledge about bi-polar? Or are you wanting past experiences regarding someone dating a bi-polar?
  5. I think we all hold on to that hope of being "normal" like everyone else (I'm agoraphobic and also suffer from panic attacks in public, so I totally understand). I tried for 25 years of my 32 trying to 'fit in', always unsuccessfully. School was hell, I didn't have many friends, etc. What I learned to do (which was disastrous) is put on a "face" so that I could deal with the public, but that never lasted long and often caused many problems in my personal life ("Cognitive Dissonance" is the term for it, should you ever decide to pursue further what it is). What finally was the turning point for me, I think, was acceptance that I cannot deal with the public and that I couldn't go on living the same way I was. I was living a lie to myself. Once I came to grips with that, things have kinda started clicking into place. And, while I'm far from being where I want to be mentally, that was a huge starting point. As far as being with someone, that will come when it is supposed to, it's nothing that can be forced. It's when you're not looking that the best come along.
  6. Joy: this is the kind of shit that keeps me awake at night LOL. Gilly: aww shucks, thanks I don't know about wise, but I like playing with words Angrry: Thanks man let me know what you come up with haha
  7. Aye bud, you certainly have my best wishes. Sending good vibes your way; key is trying to stay positive! Mind over matter and such Anyhow bud, keep us updated for sure, we're all pulling for you! It's likely all anxiety and nothing more.... that demon will cause all kinds of weird symptoms.
  8. This was written during one of my better days; while still not exactly rosy, it paints a much better picture than those I've posted as of late. Enjoy! There are times in life with epiphanies. Times with tears, joy, sorrow, happiness. Times when the spiral starts, no end in sight, and helpless to do anything until you reach bottom. Times of learning, spirituality, and morality. An ocean breeze never felt; that kiss that never was to be; eroded memories of a fonder day. Seconds stretching into Hours while Months pass as Days. Time. That intangible thing, we will never touch (though certainly feel), continues its own non-path towards a destiny unknown. A heart stops the moment another begins beating. One can be stuck in a moment for decades; another forgets breakfast. This perpetual loop of inner-reflection yields little more than the realization of yesterday, increasingly inaccurate with the ticking of the clock. The present dictates the future, however uncertain. Politics, economical stresses, uncertainty, fear, war, famine, corruption, greed, atrocities. Find the happiness within the pain; The flower that blooms during the depression. This is the true eternal struggle many of us walk daily. Moments of solitude, however fleeting they may be, need cherished. A clear mind, a sense of balance, a trust of a Future... ideals to embrace. Time gives and Time takes away. Embrace faults; Forgive regrets. Time will tick on without them. Within each of us lies an Adventure, regardless of age, sex or physicality. Perception, combined with the Past, is the model of what we are, how we see, think, smell, hear, touch and taste. Live Now. It's Time to flourish inside ourselves.
  9. awesome work and great to hear a success story!! thanks for sharing
  10. aye, there's your weight loss right there don't worry, I think most of us have the good ole 'anxiety diet' lol I know I've dropped a ton of weight. I don't bother looking anymore, not worth the trouble. Anyhow, it all sounds like great news!!! I'll be sending good vibes, though it sounds like it's all just a matter of getting the sucker out of there and you'll feel sooooo much better! All good things Keep us posted!
  11. Oye. Too many questions, not enough answers!

  12. You'll be fine, this is a good thing get the blasted thing out, you'll feel immensely better. All is well, you'll be right as rain soon!
  13. Thank you Lizze and Gilly. I do believe is some higher power, just not sure what to call it So thank you, I do appreciate that greatly. I hope getting all that out benefits someone, at some point; that'd make it all worthwhile.
  14. While I see I'm quite late on this one, I agree with Gilly. You also need more sleep! Hopefully you have been able to catch up a little bit over the weekend; things look a lot rosier after a nice long snooze.
  15. Welcome to the group! There are many different methods of coping that can be employed to help ease your stress; your mileage may very as success seems to change from person to person. As flip mentioned, CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is a very common treatment there will employ; basically they take your specific situation and try to help you rationalize whatever is causing your underlying problems. There's also meditation and deep-breathing exercises that I had heard some have had great success with. Also, as flip stated, there is a variety of medications available out there to help you to cope while you work on getting better. Glad to see you have found us, feel free to join us in the chat (once you have been approved). I've personally found the best help there. It extremely refreshing to speak with others who understand and get where you are coming from. Best of luck and I hope you do find relief / answers!
  16. WARNING - THIS MAY BE DEPRESSING; IT'S NOT A PLEASANT STORY. I wrote this in Sept. of this last year back when my then-significant other and I were together (more on that another day, perhaps). I've since come to accept the way things are, therefore the last several lines are kind of a moot question at this point but I decided to keep them in here anyhow. Please read at your discretion, this is not light reading, and likely very depressing. Yet another part of my story: I've seen some horrible things. I've said vile, rage-induced rantings. I've also witnessed humanity at its best. I see the wonderment of it all, my place in it, and it's astonishing in the difficulty and beauty of it all. So I shall explain. My biological father I know only in name (later in life I found him: he told me had a family. He didn't wish to talk further.) and two half-siblings I know nothing about, save their existence. My youth was spent mostly in a fog: vague memories of physical abuse from the two men my mother chose to marry after my father "left" (this part remains unknown to me). One such incident that stands out in particular was my step-father choke-holding me several inches off the ground; his rancid breath screaming profane words my mind won't allow me to remember. An eternity passed before being thrown down. I was adopted when I was 6. My toy gun I proudly held as a prize for going into court. "Father" dearest coming home staggering drunk nightly, a ticking bomb always following swiftly in his wake; always a saint come Sunday morning. He'd keep a 2x4 hung on a nail in the basement door, the words "The Peacemaker" carefully carved into its flesh. I remember the sheer panic whenever that door would come open, can still hear the creak as clearly as though only a minutes passing. I wonder if I was only one that sacred wood was used on; does that sound ring clearly elsewhere? During my teenage years, I begun to enjoy the distraction drugs and alcohol provided. LSD proved to be the most interesting to me and lead me to a sense of spirituality and awe; perception forever changed. I watched a meth addict spend hours with a mirror, picking at his face; the remainder of the time glancing out the window convinced the cops lurked within the shadows. "Geeter Heads", folks around there called them, easily identifiable by their twitchy demeanor and tendency to ride a bicycle. My past employee while I managed a photography studio suffered from a heroin addiction. Hell of a drug, that. Occasionally, we would smoke pot at the end of the shift together. Ended up having to fire him after showing up in an incoherent stagger one day; rather a shame and to this day I wonder about his fate. Arguments, so many arguments, I've seen in the public. Mothers smacking a child upside the head, calling them an idiot for dropping a cup. Couples screaming with sweat-coated veins popping out with their rage whilst walking down a sidewalk; the mother pushing the stroller absently. The person ahead of you in line complaining about the washer fluid levels are too low; the gas too high. This list, obviously, goes on extensively for us all. I've dated liars, cheaters, and wonderful people who ended hurting me the most when gone. I've yelled things hateful and explosive, designed specifically to hurt; perhaps one of my only regrets in life. I've received them just as often, the kind that cut to the core and still hurt years later; a c****r that never truly heals. I have a spectacular significant other now, however strained the circumstances and despite my sickening realization of just how far my rabbit hole goes, is still standing by side. My soul hopes that continues. I've seen the best humanity has. A stripper I met once (not in a strip club, for the record; not an elegant business in my humble opinion) gave me one of my most accurate tarot card readings while another picked me up at two a.m. during a hitchhike to nowhere. A Mexican gentleman, speaking broken English, picked me up while hundreds passing me did not so much as slow. He then insisted on giving me $20 after taking me several dozens miles directly to my destination, though I repeatedly told him I had money and attempted refusal. I have not forgotten that, my friend. Strangers smiling and saying hello. Love; uninhibited and full, in all of its glory and pain. Someone pitching in the eighteen cents a fellow man seems short on to buy his loaf of bread. -- Tonight, I stood outside and watched the starlit sky for nigh an hour, and reflected upon all this. Where I fit in the grand scheme of things; one tiny speck of nothing in an infinite space. I finally was able to clear my mind for the first time in memory. At that very moment, in that blissful state of pure nothingness, a shooting star flashed brightly across my direct vision. It was then, I knew it was time to write this portion of my story. It didn't always used to be like this, my Agoraphobia. It's terrifying to face, and equally as magnificent. An absolute curse; a beauty in its solitude. Hatred and love, entangled into a mesh that I simply cannot undo anymore. Even if I could, would I want to? The only question unanswered: Should I be thankful for this and come to love it? Not having an answer is perhaps the most frightening of it all.
  17. It's definitely been great to be here among others who understand; has helped a lot more than I can express. I do have a small glimmer of hope since this was written (my 'big trip'), so hopefully I will find some answers there. At any rate, you all have been a blessing. It's been wonderful.
  18. THIS MAY DEPRESS YOU - Read at your own discretion I wrote this a while ago and although some things have changed since then, many have not. I at least have some idea of a destination now. I decided to periodically share some of my innermost thoughts, feelings, and how I've come to be how I am. It's not a bright tale, nor is there a silver lining (yet). My life is a work in progress.... I figured I'd open the curtains a little for you all. I've gone all week with so little sleep I'm not certain this will make sense; not that any of it does anyhow. "A break-through of 'cognitive dissonance'", the counselor informs me. As if that brings me any comfort. My fingertips blood red from the constant wringing of my hands; the remainder of the flesh devoid of color. The pain of doing so, while a necessary distraction, still demonstrates how very different the worlds are that he and I live in. The minutes eternally pass by until I can retreat to what I know, back to my world inside a box. "It isn't good, it isn't bad, it just is", his parting words still ringing in my ears even now. I just want to run. To allow the wind to carry me to some other-worldly place where I'm not dysfunctional, to dwell among the smiling, laughing faces and not feel life being squeezed out of me. "It just is". Let's break that down. The only time I feel any sort of comfort anymore outside these four walls is in the wild. Trees that whisper soothing words that the wind gently carries. A brook calmly bubbling in earshot; songs of birds sweetly permeating the air. Hope, something I've always held close. Hope that someday, someday I WILL get better. Surely this job is the one I've been seeking, maybe this coffee shop is the place I can rest my feet, perhaps this city park will bring me joy. Hope. Hope that I no longer have. Coming to grips with the monster that resides underneath the strained smiles and confidence, the non-me exterior that I have tried (and miserably failed so many times) to hold onto. To show to others I'm just as "normal" as they are. A disaster waiting; only a matter of time before this exterior crumbles and I resort back to solitude. Unanswered calls, texts never looked at, emails deleted. Distractions, ever present. The alternative? Looking inward. An ongoing malfunction that only exponentially grows with the ticking of the clock that is life. So I run. Backpack on, shoes tied tightly, the sun long since set; all check. A now-familiar stretch of road, slick and black with rain, stretches out eternally. Umbrella gripped with whitened knuckles until I blessedly can no longer see the synthetic brightness of a streetlamp; the blinding exchange of a car lighting up the otherwise calm darkness. Here, here I can breathe. No one around for the facade to show its charming, ugly self. Increasingly desperate rain penetrating the bottom half of my body; meaningless, save the additional noise of the squish with each passing step. Hours go by, my body starts protesting; I ignore it and press on, towards my (always) unknown destination. Answers, those bloody fucking answers to the most important questions I have, hang dangling like a carrot on a stick. My feeble attempts to grab at it continuously brings only further frustration. What is my purpose? Clearly, I'm not meant for society; consumerism, commercialism, hatred fueled on by the collective desire for greed and power. Am I to be a wanderer? A hermit living off the land? Or just continue to rot, displeased with my (lack of) accomplishments? Where does this leave me? Dependent on a government I hate, suffocated by any outside interaction; a gnawing (and growing) distaste for not being "normal". While the Valium I gladly accept to stop the eternal search for impossible answers in my head, they do little to improve my overall mental state. Instead of a whirlwind of what-ifs, I now face the beast head on. It's no longer a matter of what if. It just is. Returning after many traveled miles (I must beat the morning traffic back home, after all), I see the familiar sickening glow of civilization becoming increasingly brighter with every passing squish of my shoes. As I shuffle past that first god-forsaken streetlight, I feel the familiar panic start to set in, quickly followed by a new emotion: revulsion. Distrust, pain, anguish, self-loathing and contempt keep me from leading a "normal" life. I'm finally facing the fact I am who I am. It's becoming increasing harder to keep the bile of that fact from spewing out of my frothing mouth. Life. Living. Enjoyment. Satisfaction. I need to rediscover those again, rethink the puzzle that has no clear solution. How do I just let go? How do I learn to love that which I've hated the entirety of my short existence? Will I ever break the stick and get the carrot? I continue to run.... after all, it just is.
  19. esrevni

    I'm New

    Hi Alexis! Most of us are in the same boat you are, in one form or another... glad you found us and hope you find a little more peace while here
  20. "Gee, Bob, are you sure we're doing this right?"
  21. Ack, no good Holz!!! All will be well, just think happy thoughts I'm sure it's merely stress. If you've not been eating enough, that'll also do it, so feed (like I'm one to talk lol)! See you soon, you better be better when I'm back!
  22. I came across this in a book I keep in the bathroom... figured I'd share it with you all! There are loyal hearts, there are spirits brave, There are souls that are pure and true; Then give to the world the best that you have, And the best will come back to you. Give love, and love to your life will flow, A strength in your utmost need; Have faith, and a score of hearts will show Their faith in your work and deed. Give truth, and your gift will be paid in kind, And honor will honor meet; And the smile which is sweet will surely find A smile that is just as sweet. Give sorrow and pity to those who mourn; You will gather in flowers again The scattered seeds from your thought outborne Though the sowing seemed but vain. For life is the mirror of king and slave, 'Tis just what we are and do; Then give to the world the best that you have And the best will come back to you. - Mary Ainge de Vere