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Everything posted by James417

  1. Thanks for the replys! It really helps to just talk and get things off of my chest. I have still been having these thoughts though unfortunately but I am doing my best to just let them pass instead of fighting them and trying to question my sanity or if I will take my life every step of the way and instead learn to think positively and get my mind in a different direction when this happens. I did talk to my therapist a few weeks ago and she said my best action at this point is to meditate and let these thoughts pass and learn mindfulness techniques as she thinks I may have a bit of manic depression and alot of it is bad habit i have of looping thoughts sense I seem to feel a lot better at random times and then feel depressed again at random. I will be honest I have aspergers (high functioning autism) and add/ADHD and have always looped thoughts and obsessed severly. When I was younger I used to get "caught up" on thoughts and ideas and couldnt stop thinking about them. An example was when I was in school if I had something to look forward to when I got home I could not pay attention because I was always off in a daydream stuck looping then thoughts about it. Now it's like ever sense I read about that guy taking his own life and others suffering through similar experiences its almost like it triggered me to imagine myself in that situation and got stuck on these bad thoughts. Staying away from google and comments from others online who dont fully understand how to handle this situation is a bad idea. I dont knowmhow to explain it but its like every time i hear about something or a situation or illness i kind of put myself in that situation without realising it. Like i just take every little thing i hear and read to heart and act like i may have the same ting too. But anyways Like now late at night I feel pretty good aside from some anxiety thinking about this but otherwise I'm alot better than earlier. She did agree that it was probably a bad idea to drop off of the anti depressant. But this was several weeks ago and I don't see her until next month. Thankfully my phyc doctor can help me get that med or another one going she I see her in a few weeks but I'm planning on calling her tomorrow to ask if i should restart the citalopram (anti depressant) in the mean time and letting her know everything that is going on. I wish I could see them more often but the mental health is WAY underfunded in my area from what I know sense they are like the only place that take people with my health insurance around here. Again thank you guys for reading being supportive I really do appreciate this and hope any subjects I'm touching on don't trigger anything in others who read this.
  2. Thanks for the awesome response. That actually makes a lot of sense. I just have to work through not feeding into these thought cycles and just kind of let them pass and go on with life. I mean they are very scary and hard to overcome but I know I can do it. It does feel very good to let it out though and I am so glad your understanding and willing to listen to my rants lol.
  3. Thank you so much for being so supportive. I love being able to come on here after a bad day of anxiety and just talk and let it will out. I just seem to get stuck on things I guess. All part of the ocd and autism. I can't get these few very irrational thoughts to completely go away and its hard to believe I will ever overcome them but I know I will I have done it with other thoughts I have gotten stuck on. It's the thought that I will eventually pass on like everyone else so why try and enjoy life if it's all in vain? The other though it about my parents and how they are aging and how I'm scared of loosing a proper sense of time and won't live life like I should and life will just kind of pass by on the sidelines without me sort to speak? I know these thoughts are very irrational but they are in my ocd head pretty well programed. Past few months I have been kind of a close in again like in the beginning of the summer and I haven't really visited with my father too much or my only friendtfriend in my father's nieghbor hood and I used to stay at my dads longer than my mom's alot but now its the opposite because he's not around alot he is usually working trying to support the house and taxes they have which is yet another thing that bothers me I hate watching my dad work non stop and I'm sitting on the sidelines struggling with anxiety with no job feeling like a deadbeat to be honest and keep feeling like I'm gonna regret it in the future. Now another thing I'm stuck on with my looping thought habits I have notice an almost auditory hallucination every once in a blue moon. This all started when I began to take notice of a noise I experience while falling asleep sometimes called exploding head syndrome. Now I hear several different things from thumps to bangs to almost like gunshot explosions but I have been noticing a extreme sensitivity to sound. If I hear a noise usually louder noise it almost bugs me out like it did when I was a child. I used to have severe auditory sensory issues and couldn't stand loud noises but now that I'm super sensitive with the anxiety I feel like I'm almost hearing things at times because I am so sensitive to noise. I don't hear voices but I do hear sometimes like a yell or scream or if I hear a loud noise like a slamming door or something I almost can hear it echoeing or going on in my head via memory but its extremely vivid. Almost so vivid that I get the feeling in my ears like someone just screamed in them. You know that feeling after a loud noise right in your ears how they feel raw? That kind of feeling and it makes me almost feel like I am actually hearing something when I am not. But I also have tinitus or ringing in my ears that originally started out being from fluid buildup as a kid to now worse because of kick on loud car audio for a while. So sometimes I almsot even feel like my tinitus gets more sensitive or louder when I hear loud noises or get super anxious thinking about this and that where this is coming from. I'm so anxious about actually hearing things that somethings really wrong with me that I'm making myself so on edge I'm thinking my tinitus is hallucinations. I don't what do you think? If this was to confusing let me know. Also again I am sorry for the novel. I have a really bad habit of making these things so dragged out.
  4. I have been getting sever anxiety for a while now. I have been getting lots of anxiety during the day and when I am paying attention and feed into it my resting heart rate will stay around 105~bpms. And sometimes even when I try to ignore it they keep going for hours and I also have premature ventricular contractions which are the you feel the heart beat twice to many times and then "stop" for a beat and then a hard thump in my chest and neck as it "starts" again. I have also been getting a twitching by eyes and lips and numbness with tingling around my lips hands feet and face ect. That had been scaring me too and making this worse but its most likely form adrenaline. But yes anxiety does cause this its very good you went and had the symptoms checked out though! That's a good first step to getting over this to help prove its just anxiety. Also past several months I have been on a kick to check my pulse constantly. It makes the anxiety worse to do this it is literally like throwing fuel on a fire.
  5. Thank you so much for the reply. I know I probably sound like a broken record but it feels so good to hear from other people experiencing this and that I'm not going insane. I guess technically I am the complete opposite of insane because of how aware I am of my different behaviors and thoughts and feelings. But lately I have just been feeling like a dead beat. Like I'm 19 with no job only a few friends never had a girlfriend and I feel like anxietynhas taken over and its not worth going on at times. Even though I know that's the wrong answer I just keep thinking of how a week or so ago I felt pretty good. Although not perfect I was getting through my day without feeling like giving up or numb and rubbery and weak and just downright tired like I could just fall asleep all day and just waste my days away. And these awful thoughts. I know the trick is to just accept that they are just thoughts and let them pass instead of letting them scare me and fighting them but it is very hard. I can't help but keep thinking maybe I should be doing this or that. Or maybe I am doing something wrong. I can't believe I feel like this. I keep looking back to when I was kid and even though I was petrified of social situations I would be outside working on my projects and always doing something constantly had something to do I was so out going and wanted to go out places. But now I'm scared of everything. I want to go out but then I get the anxiety and it basically makes me think I'll just have a horrible time feel like crap and panic and its never going to change. Like earlier I was thinking about going to the store just to get out of the house but then I thought what if my anxiety gets bad? What if it gets so bad I start to think about s*****e and panic more and have the worst time? I'm just feel like I'm back at square one. And I really can't tell if it's me or partially or mainly because they dropped me off my anti depressant and anxiety medicine but I don't know any more. I just can't get the give up thought out of my head. I'm also afraid that getting a job will cause worse anxiety and then I will be afraid to work. Man anxiety if hard. Why did this suddenly come up though? I was OK not that long ago but a few months ago after I had a stressful day and was home alone I read about someone taking their own life and now I'm caught up on the s*****e thoughts. Damn my ocd. The other thought I'm caught up on is my parents when they will pass away. This is as hard of a subject for me to touch on as thinking about myself passing away. I always think what will happen when they do? What if happens really soon? Will I be able to handle it? Am I gonna completely loose my self esteem and not want to go on? Will I take my life? All of these thoughts. And the biggest one is how will I go one without them? I would be lost. I know its a really close to home subject but its stuck in my head now. My stupid self won't let ideas and thoughts go once they are in. I hate it. It's like I'm keeping these horrible thoughts hostage in my memory so I can constantly torcher myself. I don't get it. Is this all anxiety still? I'm so sorry to be annoying and write huge explanations but I'm so confused and scared that I don't really know any other way.
  6. I'm sorry to hear your dealing with this too but we are not alone. Lots of people seem to have this same feeling of dread and feeling like their life is ruined now with anxiety. But my therapist is starting to teach me good mindfulness techniques and to control these horrible thoughts. I will definitely check out Clair Weekes information. Thanks for the reply though it always feels really good to talk to others. I guess I'm not insane just in a tough position and not understand how to accept that this is all just in my head and not real. It's so scary sometimes though.
  7. Hello everyone again I really hope I am not being to annoying by posting lots of topics but I'm trying to narrow down my anxiety. Throughout the day I have several thoughts and ideas (fears mainly I'm thinking about) that cause anxiety and make my day miserable. I have been having some physical symptoms that are making the process a bit harder to say the least. I have some bad palpitations like PVCs as well as racing heartbeats and sometimes irregular rythms. This coupled with virtigo (dizziness) spells that come and go as well as headaches, migraines, and other things of the sort my anxiety is always being set off one way or another. Right now I have been having some very DEEP thoughts that get me really thinking what is life? Am I living it to my full potential? These thoughts cause really bad anxiety and ruin my day usually. I'm gonna list some of these thoughts but I hope they don't make you think I am insane because I almost truly believe I am myself. So I have been thinking a lot about getting a job and growing up. How much is sucks to be am adult now. I keep thinking that I wasted my childhood and that I have wasted my teens and now with this anxiety and stuff I am wasting my adult life and life doesn't matter anymore. Also I have been having some serious brain fogging and having trouble remembering things and its been scaring me. Every day I'm having some sort of trouble recalling things and I am always worrieng its because I have Alzheimer's or a stroke or something is not balanced with my diet (I am a vegetarian) and I'm doing irreversible damage and now my life is ruined. I have also been thinking about how fast my past childhood and past life has went by and keep thinking that what's going on now doesn't matter because before I know it in a flash I will be an old man who wasted his life away if that makes sense. To put it better I imagine it's like I'm going to "warp" forward in time and skip this part of my life because my memory is "bad" (or at least I think) and anything I do now doesn't matter. It's like because I don't have full control of my life I think nothing matters. I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm thinking like a philosopher sometimes. Like I questions every single little thing throughout my day and a lot of it scares me because I realize things like I haven't gotten a job yet and I am 19. So that makes me feel like a failure even thought its because of my anxiety and I am working on that now and hoping to get amjob very soon. The of course I think about the short life and life has no meaning because it will be over before I even live itmssort of thought and it sends me into a bad anxiety attack. Then of course depression plays part in these deep thought trains at times. I feel so afraid of life. And afraid of judgement from others. I'm afraid of death and being alone. And my newest fear is loosing my memory. I am petrified of not having a good memory. I'm so scared I'm gonna loose my memory and its gonna make my life feel like dreams. Have you ever heard of how you always dream while sleeping but you don't remember them alot of the times? Well imagine over thinking about dreams before going to bed. Imagine right before you go to sleep you think I'm gonna dream tonight and it will be like it never happened tommorow. I'm going to experience This dream but at the same time I'm not. Now imagine that's my mindset. Thinking of what if I experience life like those dreams we never remember? What if I'm 19 now and trying to enjoy life get a nice job and car and friends and best my life on track but worrieng its all gonna be gone and done like I will loose my perception of time and I won't live life to the fullest and I will be dead before I know it. My whole life flashed before my eyes in real time. All of these horrifying what ifs cashing bad anxiety andi know most of these thoughts and what ifs are extremely irrational but they are there and my ocd looping thought process wont let me release them. I know mindfulness is my best friend but I have to know does anyone else experience such deep scary what ifs like this? If so how do you handle it? Should I fight this or just try to better understand and accept? I am so confused i feel like I am literally insane now. Anyways thanks for any insight in advanced.
  8. Hello again I am in the middle of a very rough time right now. I'm about to go to bed and I am thinking about lots of things. Stress of bills and trying to get a job and such as well as if you read in previous posts I was dropped off of my anti depressant medication. My anxiety and depression have been absolutely at their worst ever since the bad experience with weed in January. And since I was dropped off of my medicine I have had constant questioning of everything. Like constantly asking what could be wrong with me. If that little bit of numbness or pain could be a sign of a huge problem like a heart attack or stroke. My last several nights have been a horrible experience with bad sleep. So because of this horrible sleep I have had groggy slow anxiety filled days with dizziness (probably caused in part by other things) just always horrible and scary. I do find some happy times while watching TV or playing a game and my mind is off of it but then I will get the my life is ruined there is no point in going on thoughts and it causes worse anxiety and then that backs up that thought of my life being a constant anxious mess and it will never get better. I'm thinking I can't enjoy the simple things in life anymore like riding a motorcycle or driving without bad anxiety and depression knocking me down and making me feel like I would be best off doing you know what since I can't enjoy life. I know this isn't true. It's just depression getting the best off me but I am having more and more trouble every day not taking the s*****e thing to heart and thinking what if I do it? And than my anxiety gets even worse and so do the thoughts then I feel I actually may do it instead of what ifs and images flash of me just ending it. This is so hard for me to handle.how should I be handling this situation? Should I be fighting and thinking its not the right thing to do and you are not that bad off and if will get better and relax you aren't gonna do it? Even though that approach causes and internal clash of what ifs and its to late and stuff. I just say my therapist w few days ago and she was explaining about how it sounds like I have add and ocd and get trapped on these thought loops and can't get out. So I end up kind of playing into them and thinking this is it. And everyone is gonna miss me is guess. But my anxiety just gets worse thinking about it because I don't want this! What should I do I am literally petrified Im gonna do it. I am calling my phyc doc tomorrow to hopefully set up an appointment to get a new med started or something because coming off of that anti depressant has made me hit rock bottom. This is a horrible time for me. Pease let me know when these thoughts occur should one feed into them? If so how by accepting them or fighting and saying its the wrong thing to do? Or should they be ignored and try to out my mind somewhere else? I guess mindfulness is my best friends. Thanks for any input in advance.
  9. Thank you for the replys! I just get so caught up in the moment with stuff too. I never thought I actually had health anxiety this bad but its actually fed by my biggest fear that are health related. Anytime I feel a twitching in my face or even slightest change of feeling I go through the whole routine. Sometimes I get myself so worked up. Another thing I am scared of is I'm not healthy. I'll tell you my eating habits and weight but I hate mentioning it because it causes anxiety just thinking about it. First off I stopped eating meat when I was 14 years old 5 years ago. Ever since I only eat plain salad VERY few vegetables and pizza and cheese stuff. I will eat cereal in the morning with orange juice but I have horrible eating habits for greasy foods. And I weigh 315 pounds. God I hate that but it's the truth. I'm 6' so everyone says that weights no big deal except the doctors and myself as I can just feel that slightest bit of cardio exercise and my heart is off on a race. But anyways my second fear nowmfor some reason is a stroke. I don't know why its horrible to constantly think I'm having one and check motor skills and stuff. Makes me think somethings really wrong or I'm crazy but that's what anxiety does I guess. Anyways again thanks for the replys that was very reassuring to hear from others who are going through he same thing. It really does suck.
  10. Hello all. This is a very sensitive subject for me to talk about but I must. So as you may know throughout my life I have had depression on and off that I never really took note too. But now that my anxiety has gotten worse so has my depression. Over the past summer I never really took note to any worse depression just bad anxiety but sense I was dropped off of my anti depressant citalopram hydrobromide about around a month ago maybe a little more I have noticed it has gotten worse. It's not a constant problem like my qnxiety hoenthat is at least once a day but it does come and go and causes anxiety in and of itself. It's weird because with my anxiety and derealization some days I literally feel like s shell of emotions walking numbky through my day but it causes depression. I will start thinking things like maybe I should just give up. All I do is lay around (which isn't true I have done more in the last few months than I usually do) but it still really hits me hard. Makes me feel down. Than I get thoughts like other people have given up and took their live what if I make the same decision. Then it gets bad. Sometimes I'll picture myself jumping off a cliff or something and that causes bad anxiety. Than the anxiety itself causes worse thoughts becasue I think I don't want to live like this. I kind of get a numb emotional feeling while this is all going on which is really scary when I think of it. Then I start thinking what if I actually do something irrational? And on top of those thoughts I get even worse ones like what ifi end up like one of those people on line who are posting and asking for help and then it happens anyways? What if this is all a waste? Lots of horrible thoughts. But I have so many things to live for. I have lots of hobbies and activists I lovemtomtake part in it its like when I try to find happiness in the hobbies or activities anxiety and depression work together to tear that apart for me. It sucks. I mean I know I'm probably being irrational in a lot of ways and if I never heard of the stories of all of the people on line who have taken their lives I probably wouldnt have ever started thinking lot of these awfull thoughts. It got bad about 2 weeks after I was dropped off my anti depressant and I saw one of the YouTube vloggers I used to follow took their lives. It hit me hard and hit so close to home I can't get it out of my head. It's like I keep subconsciously wanting to put myself in the situation or something because sometimes I don't know why I get these wavesmof depression. Anyways thank you so much for reading this in advanced and hope this doesn't hit to close to home with anyone because I know when I read something similar I got caught on the idea.
  11. Hello everyone its been a while but I have been trying to cope as best as I can. I have a pretty bad habit off constantly worrying about my heart and senses. I have a hypersensitivity to almost anything around me but I am especially sensitive to changes in my heart beat or senses. Sometimes I have a numbness or tingling that's most likely accociated with anxiety but it really scares me because it brings up one of my biggest fears....... A stroke or heart attack. So I am constantly worrieng my heart beat is to fast or my heart will stop and then if I feel numbness or tingling I start to panic thinking it could be a stroke and start going through a anxious checklist of trying to find a difference between the sides of my body in feeling and if I am weaker on the left than the right and if I have trouble smiling ect. I just start loosing self control and have a panic attack. Another thing is I have been having lots of bad vertigo spells and feeling weak and dizzy and light and that's been causing anxiety as well. I start to think I'm having a stroke or ate something that made me sick or maybe I'm dehydrated. But I'm just having lots of trouble lately. I have also been struggling with some depression. Last time I talked to my therapist we set up a safety plan in case I start to feel to s*****al and the thoughts become overwhelming and I feel I will act on them. Another thing I noticed is I have gotten "worse" sense my physiatrist dropped me off my 20mg a day citalopram. Definitely feel worse depression especially after being dropped off of it. Is this normal? I know its probably just me over thinking what being off the med is doing but it did seem to help now that i have been off it for a month or so. So anyways sorry for the ramble but is this more than just bad anxiety? The constant worrieng and this weird check out I have where I check my facial expressions and feeling thinking I maybe having a stroke? One. Things can at least say is even though I do have some feelings of depression and s*****e I am still terrified of death. I'll post in the depression forum about this and how its going as well. Thanks for any input in advance and hope your day has been good!
  12. I do this kind of stuff a lot. I have anxiety and panic disorder and it gets worse out in public so I usually catch myself being out a store and forgetting important things. Just the other day I was having some anxiety and was out buying parts for my car. I was in the store and realized I almost completely forgot what I came to that store I the first place to get then i forgot and realized what I forgot when I got home. It can definitely be scary but Johnathan and mark are correct. Anxiety does do this my doctor recently remove me from my anti depressant to make sure it wasn't causing the memory loss and now that I am off of it my symptoms got worse and so did my memory. One thing I have been doing lately is writing stuff down more often but anyways yes it does happen don't worry.
  13. Thank you very much. That was really nice to read. I am definitely gonna try and stay away from sensitive material like that from now on. Just gonna try to look at positive things. I know the ending my own life thing isn't something in will act on but its definitely a scary anxiety inducing thought. I will get ahold of my doctor today and let her know what's going on. Also Johnathan that was a great example you shared. Sound much like my mindset when I am very anxious. But like you said the key to overcoming this is acceptance and I am gonna try my best to accept my feelings and perception instead of fight them asking what's wrong or what did I do wrong to cause this?. So again thank you for replays that was very nice to read. I am going to definitely take up journaling. Another thing I have been doing lately is working on my projects to get my mind on a different track. It does helps a lot to have a distraction like that.
  14. Hello all again its been quite a while. Been busy with lots of things and trying to get myself back on track with depression and anxiety standing right in my way. For the last few months I've been doing really good actually with lots of progress and interacting more socially and having a higher self esteem. But I have had my problems. I have a habit (which I have read comes with autism) where I persevere on thoughts. I loop thoughts and ideas in my head repeatedly. Sometimes for a few minutes sometimes for months on and off. I'll hear or see something and then can't get my mind off of it. A great example was today. The last few days have been alright except the extra stress of a few things. One being my car needed some work and I have been working my butt off getting that done sense Friday and two my phsycologist doctor completely dropped me from my 20mg citalopram and I have been getting the typical tingling shooting pins and needles sensations and other side effects that accompanies withdrawal. I think dropping from 20mg a day to nothing made this alot worse then usual. Also my anxiety and depression have definitely been worse sense Thursday when I stopped taking the med. Well between having a bad nights sleep last night working on and stressing over my car and dealing with paint fumes i stupidly breathed in that definitely did not help matters with the anti depressant citalapram being dropped I felt like crap. On top of all this I still have my bad looping of thoughts with my health and derealization and thinking something's medically wrong with my heart of something and looping that. Anyways A few a hours ago I was watching YouTube. Felt OK for the moment. Then I found some videos on depression and anxiety and other people coping with it. Then out of nowhere seeing these comments about how you have to fight and get through and how bad it can be my anxiety flared up thinking about it. That then became a viscous cycle for the last few hours between depression related thoughts and ideas and then my anxiety flaring thinking about them just kept escalating the situation. Eventually I saw a comment that was about a friend of theirs that committed s*****e. I hate that word because the moment I read that comment something broke me down. I started thinking about what if I get in the same situation. Am I loosing control? Will I do the same thing? Then the panic attacks and derealization got really bad and (I am mad at myself for letting this even cross my mind) I think what if its the only way to make this stop? What if I give up? Maybe I should. The even scarier part was I started to picture myself doing it in my mind. One thing though is my mind runs almost uncontrollably sometimes and these horrible thoughts I want to block out just come though uncontrollably. I think I have ADHD and or ADD which makes of worse. These thoughts drove me into a full panic state of mind because I do not want that. I love life and know I can live it happily without having to do such a horrible thing. Its just when I let a thought break through that mental barrier I can't help but let it get to me and loop it in my head over and over. And as I loop it I get worse and worse anxiety like a horrible cycle one feeds on the other. I am a very sensitive person. I have a lot of trouble processing things like this. Now for the next several days I'll be feeling better and ready to enjoy life then I'll have the looped depression driven thought from this experience come racing around again and flare this up. I also have a hypersensitivity to my feelings and thoughts and surroundings. When I was younger I could not stand anything loud. And i had crazy bad sensory issues with shirts which i still have. This hypersensitivity has turned into an extreme sensitivity to changes in my body chemistry. Which is why I can not get high without panic attacks. I feel even the smallest bit of anything. The other day I walked up on my freind who smokes weed and inhaled a tiny bit of a cloud of smoke he exhaled. A bit later I started to actually feel high. Whether it was because I actually had such a hypersensitivity I was a tiny bit high or my anxiety made me think that it almost caused panic attacks. I had to leave him and go home. Gonna get ahold of my phsycologist doctor tommorow and see what she recommends. Anyways I hope this want too long but i guess I'm doing OK now just tired and ready to head to bed but it felt really good to get that off of my mind. I have been an emotional wreck lately and lots of thoughts on top of the looping thing just really get to me. Anyways thanks for reading my massive novel of a post and hope all is well with everyone. BTW could this be related to the rapid withdrawal of the anti depressant citalopram hydrobormide I have been on for 3+ years?
  15. Wow that was a huge eye opener for me. I never really looked at this like that. This whole time I have been blaming weed for doing damage or something when it was actually just uncovered my real underlying anxiety. Which when I had the bad panic attacks while high the trigger was my heart beating fast. Actually feeling my heart beat fast made me believe I was having a heart attack or something because I started panicking and caused the burning sensation which was of course made more instense with the high. My real fear is and always has been of having a heart attack or something heart related happen sense I was young. Here's what actually happened with the weed. I started smoking in late December last week or so. It was actually a pretty good experience at first just having fun and smoking. Had a few good highs got the falling sensation and everything. I actually got really high at one point to where I was stumbling while walking. Having fun still. All of this happening over the span of the last week of December into first week of January. Then into the first week of January I smoked like crazy taking tons of hits and got super high. All I did was I remember looking down at my body and feeling really numb and light and a burning sensation starting to rush threw my body and I got nervous. Then I for some reason focused on my heartbeat and how it was speeding up and starting to really Pound. My whole body felt numb from the super high and anxiety combined so at this point I lose it. I look at my friend and start saying there is something wrong. I think I'm having a heart attack and I'm loosing control. Went inside and was panickijg like every few minutes. He of course being then good friend he was talked me through it and I really thank him for it to this day. He had been very supportive to with helping me through it and calming me down because he also had anxiety when smoking at first and was able to help me through by saying it's just anxiety and I'm fine. Anyways that was the weed experience for me. I hope that wasn't to long and dragged out but I don't think I've ever really explained it in such detail before. I am seeing a therapist right now and we are slowly but surely working on techniques for coping and control but also trying to get to the bottom of what the anxiety actually means for me. She also said that the weed didn't do any damage or anything like that but it just made my brain hyper sensitive and brought the anxiety to the surface of things for me.
  16. Thank you so much for the reply. It feels so good to hear others who have experienced this. And thanks for those tips they are very helpful actually I'm gonna try exercising more often to try and keep my mind busy and off the anxiety. Its just sometimes during the day I feel like I've lost my will to do things. Like I wanted to go for a walk yesterday but then I started thinking about how I'll just start panicking and being anxious and it will be a bad experience so I avoided it. I know I need to stop avoiding things but its like once I'm out of my home and see the world I start over thinking so many things and getting myself all anxious. Anyways thank you for this it really does mean alot to me hearing from you. I hope you are doing well with your situation!
  17. Hello all I know I have been kind of making threads similar to one and other but I feel worse but better at the same time so I would like to just get it out and feel a little more comfortable. I've been suffering from bad anxiety all my life but sense this past January I had a horrible experience with marijuana that triggered severe anxiety and derealization. Following that was tons of panic attacks and episodes of feeling detached or like I was looking at reality through a TV or glass. Feeling like I'm pulled away from reality and everything seems like a dream and its sometimes so convincing that I will think is this really reality? Which as you can imagine gets very scary to think about. So the past few days into today these feelings of derealization/depersonalization have built up and today seems to be the worst. I truly do feel like everything is a dream. And its causing anxiety which is making my day a living heck. And on top of all this I have severe health related anxiety. If I read it I think I have it. Hypochondriac basically. Lately I noticed I have mild to moderate tinnitus from loud concerts and music as well ass head trauma as a child but lately I'm constantly thinking about it getting worse and driving me "insane" because I've read people supposedly loose of due to tinnitus not letting them ever hear silence. Stuff like that makes me really anxious through out my day. When I go to see my therapist we talk things through and it doesn't seem so bad but then I get home and start experiencing this again and I feel like crap again. Another thing that's been bothering me lately to is I have been noticing this really weird thing where when I get really anxious or panicked I seem to like dwell on sounds and images as memories that have happened and they like repeat because I'm dwelling so much on them. Here's and example I saw a loud car go by the other day. I was anxious while it happened and when I started really thinking about it I felt like I was replaying that car go by over and over like a daydream. Could see and hear it very vividly felt like I am loosing touch with reality when this happens. And altough I don't fully believe I'm loosing grip on reality with the way I'm thinking and experiencing life right now its hard to not second guess. And on top of all of this sometimes I feel depressed because I think that I'm never going to be able to live life like I used to again and that this is basically it for me. I'm just going to live life like a closed in anxious person and not enjoy life. I cant say I've never thought about the whole s*****e subject but I never actually believe in it I never feel its the right answer. To be honest when I think of it I get anxious and panic because I don't want to do that. And also when I think about not living life to the fullest and having fun I always counteract those thoughts by saying I will overcome this and live life like I want to. But anyways I'm sorry for the long long long explanation but wow does it feel good to let it out. Thanks for reading and any input is greatly appreciated.
  18. Thank you so much for the reply! That was really motivational actually just hearing that from you gave me hope. I'm actually feeling like taking up a job or trade that I like and maybe boost my self esteem. I'm glad to hear that you got through this because it is a huge fight but I've heard from other people that once you do win you feel like you never have before. I am definitely ready to look at life in an accepting way instead of fighting it. Again thank you.
  19. Plus my anxiety has been really high lately as well with panic attacks on and off.
  20. Hello all. I know I'm usually talking about anxiety or panic attacks but as of lately I've been worrying myself back into a depression. I have so many things I worry about such as what am I going do as a career? Will I be happy with the job I choose? What am I going to do when my parents pass? How long am I going to live? Am I living life to the full potential? And that's just the surface. At times I've been feeling like I have no way out and sometimes the s****dal thoughts pop in. Even though I know its not right and I'm not going to do it I just feel lonely and backed into a corner. Like ive lost my bright outlook on life. Is this depression creeping its way back? I haven't been saying much about it lately as I usually overcome it but sense I'm 18 going on 19 its like the whole world of responsibilities have come crashing down on me and i feel like it will be impossible to enjoy life like I did through childhood. I guess maybe I'm just dealing with normal adult life and kind of throwing daily stresses out of proportion? Anyways any input is greatly appreciated. Just not a great day I guess.
  21. Hello all again. I really am sorry to sound like a "broken record" repeating myself but, im really starting to feel like im in a balance between controlling my anxiety and feeling like im loosing my mind. So lately the past few days haven't been as bad as they could be. Heck I was actually feeling pretty happy at points through the day today and yesterday. Heres the thing anytime I start to feel good and overpower the anxiety I just start thinking "bad" things and scare myself back to where I was. Like a few hours ago I was feeling pretty happy looking forward to the weekend and finished some jobs around my house. Then im lying in bed and I start thinking things like "am I really feeling right?" or a new though that's got me going the past few days is "Im 18 I don't have a job im not in school so what am I going to do with my life?" then the "you only live for so long" thought pops in and I just loose it. Like full on burning sensation shaking sweating panic attack. . Why does thinking of what I want to do with my life scare me so bad? I have a lot of different career paths im trying to choose but I keep thinking im gonna choose the wrong one and not be happy with my career down the road. These thoughts on top of the health related ones and me looping the thought has been making panic attacks pretty strong. So I can say I did have a decent day today as I was able to get out and do things but once I start thinking these thoughts that's it I just lost control and its scary. I keep thinking im gonna be like this all my life and not be able to get out and go places or anything. Like this weekend Im supposed to go enjoy some delayed 4th of july fireworks with my 9 year old nephew and I just keep thinking about how im gonna be out of my house for to long and have lots of anxiety because of my overthinking and stuff. Anyways Im trying to take control of anxiety instead of vise versa. I OWN my brain and right now Anxiety and Panic are just co-owners and im about to lay them off. Im just sick and tired of living my life like this. Anyways sorry for another long rant but it really feels good to let it out. Thanks for reading in advanced. Also missed my med today so I may be feeling something from that.
  22. Thank you meanjoe. It definitely means alot to me to hear I'm not alone. I'll definitely check out that link. Sometimes when I have these crazy anxiety related thoughts I think I'm loosing my sanity but then I realize it's just anxiety and I'm OK. Again thank you for the reply.
  23. So for the last month or so I have been feeling 50/50 depending on the day and have seen my physiatrist and counselor a few times to help with panic and anxiety. Last couple days I have been feeling very anxious. Lots of panic and anxiety especially when driving. For some reason when driving I guess its really "stimulating" for my anxiety with all the thinking and things going on at once so I kind of go of on trains of thought. Some times while driving I get pretty scared because I feel as if im taking to much attention off driving and gonna have an accident. Ive developed a few "new" fears that are making my life miserable as of lately. Now this may sound far fetched but I have this fear of loosing the ability to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Like if im out somewhere or driving I keep thinking What if im dreaming and this isn't real? or what if I loose my memory and forget about things and end up in an accident? Just weird anxiety panic provoking thoughts pop into my head at the most inconvenient times. Of course my other fear is that im still high. Ever sense I tried weed back in January of this year i have definitely changed. I keep feeling like i experience life differently like I see things more vividly but at the same time like "too" vividly like im sensitive to light now. I also feel like my senses have changed. Like slower reactions and maybe even hearing kinda dulled or im not feeling the way i used to and im "numb" from the pot. Or im still high and talking slow and averythings slow. Just lots of bad thoughts causing anxiety. Now even though these are almost constant thoughts im fighting with to prevent anxiety I don't think they are really valid as I do not think smoking pot for a few weeks could do that. I think its me overthinking the way im experiencing life with anxiety now. Like a loop of how I feel weird feelings caused by anxiety and then I overthink them as being threatening and have panic attacks ect. So what do you think? I also just a few days ago went up on my celexa/citalopram by 10mg which gave me some anxiety last time my phyc doctor had me try it. But does anyone else with anxiety have the like weird "separated" from reality feeling? Like being sucked into myself and "Detached" or something. And it seems like i see things with a weird depth perception and like I have kind of a sensitivity to light and things seem unreal or dreamlike sometimes in bright sunlight especially. Anyways sorry for rambling but it felt good. i did go for a 4 hour drive on a trip out of state today so that definitely is a step forward. Now most of these thoughts or fears/worries are just me overthinking things mainly. Because like usually im fine until i start to feel weird then i feed into it by saying omg i must be high or theres something wrong with me then bam full on panic attack. but if I avoid those thoughts im fine. Anyways again sorry for such a long post but it really feels good to get this out. Also my hearing may actually be damaged some as I have thoughout my life had lots of loud experiences without protection. From machinery to concerts and within the last year I have been doing caraudio a lot with REALLY loud bass. Like breaking windows in my car for a while loud. Lets just say that system is no longer in my car its a lot smaller now. So yes my hearing is probably damaged (my dumb selfs fault) but it brings on anxiety because I start to think about how I did permanent damage. I mean I still hear very well (pass hearing test up to 17.5khz) but I have lots of ringing/dullness sometimes now. Anyways, Thanks for reading
  24. Hello all I have been taking these 2 medicines for at least 3 years. I'm seeing a new doctor who wants to up my citalopram dose to something more therapeutic? She says that what I am on is a lower dose and for the extreme anxiety I have I could probably go higher and hopefully see positive results. It's basically the generic or celexa form from what she said. Now I'm currently taking 20MG every day and now the dose has been up just a bit to 30MG a day. Last time they did this I remember feeling......not well. Like I was tired and brain fog and kind of like numbed and "high" and I hate that high feeling due to a traumatic experience with weed. Anyways I worried it's gonna make me feel horrible and numb physically and emotionally and have bad memory and everything. But at the same time I'm wondering if it will help. Also I kind of feel like coming down off of the 20mg dose to a 10mg dose to see how much it is really helping is that a bad idea without doctors orders? Other med I'm on is clonidine. Now this one is supposed to help with sleep and anxiety but it's only 0.1 mg dose. The doctor said she may increase the dose of that depending on how I react to the citalopram but she isn't sure yet sense I'm hypersensitive to meds. Also anyone have trouble with the citalopram and sleeping? Because my doctor said that taking it in the morning instead of at night helps with sleep. So any advice? I'm def gonna wait untill I see the doc again to make medicine decision now that I think of it. Anyone had bad experience with these meds? I know I'm probably overthinking it sense I've been on it for 3 years or more and been fine untill the weed experience. Anyone with these meds?
  25. Thank you guys for the replies. I'm still having anxiety and panic as of now because I'm feeling weird. I don't know how to explain it but it's like I'm having a derealization effect brought on by anxiety and more anxiety due to over thinking the weird feelings and that. Plus I'm also really tired I think I need some more sleep. Being sleep deprived is making me feel like crap so maybe that's adding to it. Anyways I just can't seem to get the thought out of my head that I still feel like I'm "high" from that experience over 5 months ago. It keeps causing panic attacks. Think I'm gonna do some breathing and try to get some sleep even though it's almost noon. I'm exhausted.