StephanieJayne

Hiya guys, As you all know, anxiety is quite new for me, or at least at these extreme levels. However depression is an old weight I carry and now I'm learning to control my anxiety I feel my depression seeping back in more powerfully and uncontrollably than before. With my anxiety my attacks are so apparently and physically obvious that it is easy for my family, particularly my partner to understand my needs and state of mind when it hits and he is my biggest rock. However with my anxiety attacks becoming a tad more controllable I feel my depression spiralling away with me, which is not so obvious or well understood by him, or my family. Last night I relapsed into self harm and literally destroyed my upper leg, which inevitably led to a fight, but although we have seemingly resolved things my depression is still very present and I don't know how to get the support or understanding that I'm desperate for at the moment. I feel like I'm loosing myself to the black hole again I just wish I could communicate to the people who care how to support me and be there while I overcame my struggles, but compared to my anxiety and agoraphobia they don't seem to recognise this state of me is a threat, whereas I feel it could be more dangerous. Advice or your own stories all warmly welcomed.

Hiya Guys, I'm not sure if this is the most appropriate place to post this but I struggled to "file" my issue. Two nights ago I had recurrent dreams where I imagined that I was having panic attacks. Normally my "episodes" are not what I would consider a panic attack because although I'm anxious and have embarrassing physical reactions I'm not actually scared?!?! However in my dreams I am terrified I have woken myself and my partner and couple of times screaming in my sleep. The issue is I'm worried that I'm actually having panic attacks in my sleep and prior to this I would occasionally wake up mid anxiety episode. So I'm now worried that if my anxiety can be this intense when I'm asleep that the level of intensity and fear I'm experiencing may also begin to manifest in real life. I've agreed a sleep strategy with my partner that I'll ask him if I'm okay or what he thinks is wrong with me and if.I can make him say sausages I'll know I'm dreaming because I'm struggling to establish the difference between dreams and real life especially when I'm tired,. If I ask him in real life there's a specific reply he will give to assure me I'm awake. I'm not sure this plan will work but it gives me hope. I'm just wondering if any of you have experienced panic dreams and whether you just dream them, or they have an effect on your physical body and also whether you experience any signs before your episodes intensify? I'm mostly confused and worried (go figure!) so sorry if this sounds a bit scattered. Stephanie

Heya Inny, I'm sorry you're struggling to sleep. Welcome to the forum. I find when I struggle to sleep because of worry or fear the chat room here distracts me amazingly until I can fall asleep. Autopap machines can be intimidating but they are a life saver for many. I'm sorry you're struggling so much with yours. But you're definitely in the right place. We love a good vent! Welcome Stephanie

Hello Modsky, Depression is a difficult and complex issue which as everyone else here illustrates has no rules, regulations or discrimination. What I would say is at 17 I had been diagnosed with depression for over a year. I was a straight A student and even taking exams for qualificationstwo years early. It's perfectly possible to be intelligent and successful and still be depressed. This 17 year old your worried about is probably naturally academic in many ways, but if she does have depression she won't become less intelligent so here success doesn't mean she is not depressed. At 17 I was perfectly able to make my own mind up for myself and had a good grasp of what I believe in and my self identity. Maybe you could have a discussion with her about how she feels about the diagnosis and whether she had any other concerns. However, the best thing here is that you obviously care greatly and are there to support her and make sure that she is receiving the best care for whatever her current concerns are, depression or no depression and that is the best thing that anyone could ask for. Kind Regards Stephanie

Hiya James, I'm on citalopram so understand your worry. I've had it increased 4 times in total so hopefully I can help a little. When I started taking it I felt so unwell and sick. My symptoms were everywhere coupled with the shakiness, nausea, tiredness, restlessness etc. When it was increased to 20 again I felt unwell but the symptoms only lasted a couple of days and weren't as strong. When it was increased to 30 and 40 I didn't notice any symptoms at all. I think my body has gotten used to it or has a better tolerance? So maybe this time won't be so bad for you? It's hard because everyone is different so I can only give you my experience. But you're right please don't change your medication without talking to your doctor.

Hello Cheese, It is clear how distressed you are and I hope we can help and support you here. The comments made above all have very valid reassurances and I hope that you can take some comfort from them, because they are meant with the greatest sincerity. Firstly, I think it's very important that you are reassured that you will absolutely NOT be judged for anything that you say here. I feel like you are holding back from talking openly about some of your fears and triggers, but want you to know that we are all so used to having thoughts we feel guilty, dreadful and in some cases crazy for feeling, that we are some of the most accepting and tolerant people you will find. If there is something you are not comfortable discussing publically, please do not hesitate to message me privately. It can be good to talk about our worries and concerns, just to have those thoughts expressed outside of ourselves and I can assure you that no matter how dreadful, terrifying or taboo your erotica concerns are, that they will not faze me in the slightest - and I trust that you will not find me talking about matters of erotica or sex candidly to be offensive, or intrusive. However, when it comes to concern about what arouses us then this can be a hard thing to adjust to. Sex by and large is mass commercialised and frequently in society we advertise sex as being something that is natural and standardised, often portraying that the only "correct" thing to be aroused by is a member of the opposite sex, of a similar age to yourself and that has what society considers to be an attractive appearance. However, in reality everyone has very individual and personal things that they find erotic or arousing, there is no standardised lust. This is evidenced by the number of niche markets available in the sex market. From bondage, anal sex, to fantasy of violence and dominance, or an attraction to people much older than oneself, or attraction to especially overweight bodies, to attraction to feet, or used lingerie....the possibilites are ongoing and endless. If you are concerned because the thought of something that is seen as socially less acceptable by some is what you are finding arousing, then you only need to look to some of the above examples and you'll understand that socially acceptable does not mean right, it's just preference...and so what if you prefer hairy bodies, or would rather make love to fruit than people? Whatever your pleasure, it's yours and you own it....so long as your desires do not hurt, exploit or put at non consenting individual or living creature at risk, then you are welcome to your attraction. And your biggest concern then is that you learn to accept your feelings for yourself and decide how private or public you make your attractions known. However, if I have WELL OVER READ BETWEEN THE LINES in your post then I am very sorry, but I hope you will understand this is my way of reassuring you that you can be open and honest about any discussion that you would like to have with us here. It is clear that aside from your anxiety surrounding erotica that you are experiencing a lot of other confusing and distressing thoughts and feelings too. Please don't dismiss your feelings as "not severe". If they are affecting you enough that you'll spend 4 hours of your day "checking" them, that it is quite clear that they are very distressing for you. If anyone has anxieties or worries that impact upon their daily life in anyway then we are here for you. Stress, worry and anxiety all come hand in hand with so many feelings and side effects, that it is very easy to get into a habit about whether we question what is or isn't real. Additionally, considering we frequently experience reactions that we recognise as being irrational in relation to the actual problem, we all have a tendency to question whether our other feelings are real. After all if I am one day fine shopping in Tesco, then the next I feel as though I am going to die if I walk down the pasta aisle - I know that I'm not really going to die, that my mind is just stuck on an irrational thought.....so maybe that means when I think I am happy I actually don't know what I'm feeling then either? It's difficult living with experiences and feelings that we have to question. Sometimes I wonder, why do I think the pasta aisle is going to kill me? But then I realise that it doesn't matter why I think that, because I enjoy shopping at tesco. For me, the only thing that I know for sure is that I understand happiness above and beyond anything else. I KNOW without question when I feel happy and what makes me happy. So I try hard not to fixate upon the things that distress me or why they distress and instead focus on pursuing the things that make me happy...with an equal level of unquestioning. I know it is so easy to stay...."just stop thinking about it too much" which is basically what the last paragraph says, but it's less about thinking about things so much and more about focussing on the good. Most days I struggle to get up and dressed, I really struggle with bathing/showering and cooking/eating, so instead of hating on myself and wondering why I can't convince myself to just run a bath(!) and instead keep reminding myself: "You got up and out of bed today, you're doing really well! I wonder what else I might achieve" I hope that this post has helped. Please feel free to contact me either directly, or on this thread. I would love to hear more from you and how your getting on. My Kindest, Sincerest Regards, Stephanie

I agree. It's such a difficult balance. Especially with something as sensitive as alcohol because of it's inherently addictive nature. As you've not got any problems with stopping or controlling your drinking I would suggest you try only ordering half pints when others order a pint and taking the same amount of time to drinking the round as they do. Or alternatively alternate between alcoholic drinks and soft drinks. The reality it that whether you're feeling the impact now or not, drinking more than the daily recommended amount, especially as regularly as you are - about 4 times a month I'm assuming - is unhealthy. More than 5 units in one period is considered a binge because of the effect it has on health. You're using your app which is sensible I think fear of regularly (weekly) exceeding the app recommendation is sensible. So try to adjust your regular drinking behaviours to comply with the recommended guidelines. However if you have less than the recommended limit every week but exceed the limit two weeks out of the year ( I.e birthdays, christmas, special occasions) I wouldn't stress too much about these occasional over indulgences. Even if your colleagues and friends aren't as concerned or considerate about their health in relation to alcohol does not make their choices better. I would say if you're not sure about whether your fear is rational or anxiety led try to think " what would I advice and friend/ a sibling/ a spouse if they asked me about the same scenario?" Sometimes externalising our worries can help us figure out if our anxiety is rational or irrational this time. However, I would say from the history you've given your concerns seem justified in this scenario. Hope this helps. Here if you want to talk more- alcohol is my biggest weakness atm - love Stephanie

Hiya Chloe, Unfortunately I'm no work success guru. I have recently started to suffer with my anxiety in a role I've held for nearly 4 years. What I would say is, even the least anxious people feel anxious and unsure and like they don't quite fit in a new role. And that's because by and large we are thrown into these roles with minimal training and support and left to work with more experienced colleagues who are not officially responsible for employment or staff training and often have received no support or guidance upon how to train new staff. The good news is that you aren't expected by your colleagues to know what you're doing, they're pretty much expecting you to be useless because it gives them an inflated sense of importance... as in they are no longer the most clueless or confused or newest member of the team - you are, so congratulations. And as annoying as you may feel, and in busy times questions may be inconvenient, secretly we are greatful to newbies who ask a million questions so they can crack on with the job willingly themselves, rather than feel as though a newbie is trying to freeload, doesn't want to pull their wait or permanently needs following to check they are actually working or okay. As an employer and trainer of new staff, I'll admit I might roll my eyes or sigh and flap when new staff ask questions permanently when I'm busy( which is WHENEVER customers are around, which is ALWAYS), but I hands down prefer that than having to chase someone away from the pot wash area because I haven't seen them for an hour, or I have to stop every two seconds to tell them to go do something because they're too worried to think for themselves. Moreover as I customer, a waitress with a friendly smile and helpful attitude is all I need. If they ask a question you're not sure of just say "I'm sorry, I can't answer that right now.... It's my first week here...but I'll go and find out for you straight away. Do you have any other queries before I leave?...My name is Chloe if you need anything further please just give me the nod." The I'm new here line instantly buys customer sympathy and loyalty especially if you're prepared to go out of your way to find out or help, as it shows you care as a person rather than just another customer service minion ...because after all we've all had first weeks in a new job and can all sympathise and relate to how you're feeling, so by all means tell customers you aren't sure because you're new for as long as you can get away with. I hope this has helped. What I would say is, being anxious is okay and expected in new staff. If nothing else it shows they care. So if you can don't let your worry overtake your personality, after all its your personality the employer hired you for not your ability to carry 3 plates at once. We can teach people to carry plates, we can't teach personality. So if you're struggling remember they saw something they liked in you during the recruitment process so it will take more than not knowing all the answers and asking the other staff questions for us to change the first impression you made. Keep at it. You're only 2 days in anxiety at this stage is perfectly ordinary.

Is it something you or someone you know is struggling with? If so how does it affect you? Hopefully you'll find comfort whatever your problems here and if you would like to discuss conversion disorder more Im sure that the community here will support you greatly. I look forward to talking to you in future. Kind regards, Stephanie

I'll admit I drink FAR too much. And I do worry too that I'm putting my health at risk. I can easily drink 5-6 bottles of wine a week at home, which is basically 2.5 glasses a night, plus the odd pint here and there throughout the week when we go to the pub for lunch or dinner. The reality is, I struggle to sleep if I've not had enough wine before bed which I know is dreadful, but otherwise I'm wide awake most of the night because I can't turn my thoughts off. At the moment I'm not ready to cut back. Once I've got this bout of anxiety under control I'll have to work to reign it in. But right now I'm focusing on other aspects of improvement which are severely affecting my day to day living. But if you're worried you've got two choices. You can listen to the app and ease your drinking. Maybe restrict drinking to only on your days off? Or just three times a week. Or limit yourself to one drink a night at home and three if you're socialising? If you're app starts to say you're no longer drinking unhealthy amounts maybe your worry will ease. Alternatively you could ignore the app and uninstall it and carry on as you are. Everything we do bears risk. And ultimately we will get ill at some point. But if you monitor anything I.. How much salt you eat, how little water you drink, how much saturated fat you consume, you're likely to get the same results, health warnings about over indulging and the potential resultant diseases. It is possible to drink in moderation and I suggest you start there. If you want to cut back but don't feel able, then it might be worth seeking further help. The concern with alcohol is that it is a drug and it is addictive, but there's no shame if you're concerned that you becoming unhealthily dependant in admitting the fact and asking for help to improve. It's up to you really. Do you want to cut back? Are you able to if you want? Or do you want to carry on as you are?

Hello Titan, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Depression and Anxiety is such an unpleasant mix that only too often come hand in hand. It sounds however that the thoughts and feelings you are having you are able to identify as irrational irrational. I experience a lot of the same thoughts of s****de, self harm and paranoia and I KNOW it is all in my head, that I actually don't want to hurt or die and that my mind is playing games, but that makes no different to how vivid those thoughts feelings and emotions can be. Maybe you.could try taking baby steps, if you feel able, look around the room and then leave? Once we prove to ourselves that going against our mind games doesn't do anything these feelings can be easier to push aside. If you don't feel you're ready to challenge your fear that way yet it's fine. Are you able to go somewhere else to get away from that feeling? I feel like I'm going on about this a lot at the moment, but I've started practicing mindfulness, so instead of focusing on things that are bothering, upsetting or stressing me I pay attention to my 5 senses. Focus on feeling how your clothes feel on your skin, or listen to the clock ticking that normally we ignore or focus on the taste of your coffee etc. This has been working well to distract and refocus my mind away from unpleasant thoughts and anxious episodes, maybe it's worth a try?

Hello Lylas, Welcome to AC the people here are lovely and so understanding. I hope they can help you as much as they've helped me. I agree with Joycicle about the coffee, I've had to cut out the caffeine almost completely only having full caffeine cups when I'm at someone else's house as a treat. At home it's decaff all the way which takes some getting used to but after a couple of weeks isn't so bad. I understand that you've become something of an expert at recognising and mediating you're own anxiety which is a testament to you and your dedication, but it seems like it has been a long time since you saw a doctor about your symptoms, at least 10years by the sound of your post, so it might be worth considering going back for a quick check up, just to rule out any other underlying causes again, after all the stress of anxiety alone can contribute to complicating factors such as high blood pressure etc , particularly if you're experiencing different symptoms to what is usual for you. It might also be worth considering whether you would be interested in trying medication to alleviate your symptoms. If you still don't want to that's absolutely fine, but equally it's okay to need a little more support when our coping mechanisms aren't resolving our anxiety anymore, until we are capable of taking control ourselves again. I'm not sure where you live but counselling and therapy can be a great help to, if you wanted to look into either of these therapies. I can't tell you how to make it go away and I know how scary and distressing and controlling these symptoms can be, not to mention exhausting. All I can tell you is that with anxiety it comes and goes and makes life unpleasant while it's here, but ultimately it doesn't kill us. So we learn, as you have done to push through. Talking about it is the start of overcoming it. So hopefully being here and the advice of others will help you more. I've started using mindfulness to overcome difficult periods and it really helps me avoid a large episode so maybe you could look into trying that? There's a great post about it in the forums here. Welcome to AC. Love Stephanie

Can you explain your anxiety about your prom to your mum, another relative or close friend? Maybe you can arrange that someone spends the evening in a pub or cafe close to where your prom is, so that if you need to leave because your anxiety becomes overwhelming they are nearby so you can make a quick escape?

You both sound incredibly strong and positive, despite all those niggling doubts in the back of my mind, you're encouragement does make me believe that eventually I can throw caution to the wind and just go with it, so thank you both. It's definitely something I'm going to have to work on though I'm not sure I know where the off switch is. I've started going back to work now though for a couple of hours a couple of times a week (away from customers atm), and I seem to be doing okay there, but I'm exhausted in my own time and more twitchy. I'll get a good balance eventually I'm sure. Definitely going to look into getting familiar with Dr Weekes. Thanks for your support, Stephanie x x x

Hello Lone Sailor, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I actually have already read you're new to anxiety post. I already understood the fight/flight nature of anxiety, but this helped remind me. I do my very best to accept feelings that I have and have learnt to manage uncomfortable social enenvironments, but I work in a very much customer facing role and so allowing myself to have an episode when a guest is standing at my desk is not in reality a constructive optio, nor one my management would tolerate if it became noticed by cucustomers. I wouldn't say I have self diagnosed, but I engage in behaviours which I am carried away by at the time and later, on reflection am scared and concerned by. Having researched behaviours that have scared me I recognise that bipolar disorder is categorised by similar tendencies, but the reality is that this stems from my behaviour worring me in the first place because it is unlike the me I am familiar with or because it's irresponsible or impacts my day to day routine negatively. Despite a self diagnosis these behaviours would still be concerning because they compromise my steady personal identity. It's like not understanding yourself. I'm not certain I am bipolar but I know there are times when I am not myself and would like this aspect of my health taken seriously by my health care practitioners. Moreover I learnt in a very hard way, that unless I self diagnosed and tell my doctors what I want them to do that I get no help. Consequently I self diagnosed my depression, but because I wasn't strong enough to tell my doctor I wasted more help when I was 16, I went through two very uncomfortable and challenging years before I walked back into the doctor and told them to give me anti-depressants when I was 18. Similarly this time I have had to tell the doctor I have anxiety before they'll even consider my symptoms seriously, which is in part my biggest frustration - unless I know what is helpful and recommended and go in and tell them I want it, they just act like there's nothing they can do and unfortunately I learnt this in a very very hard way. I appreciate that you're all here to help and am very grateful for your support, encouragement and kind words. But diagnosis or no diagnosis, bipolar or no bipolar right now my depression and anxiety are difficult symptoms to incorporate into my day to day life, without having negative impacts. So I am desperate to find out how others have sought successful support so that I can too.