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Hello, I'm wondering if anyone of you have any advice or can relate to my situation. I've been suffering from depression recurrently for 10 years and whilst there have been periods in my life when I've felt more anxious frequently these have been manageable until quite recently. After experience intense anxiety episodes I have now been off of work for nearly 4 weeks trying to fix myself. I've received cognitive behavioural therapy in the past for depression and am pulling on every technique I can for support. My biggest frustration is that whenever I visit the doctor and ask for help they offer little assistance other than increasing my medication, which has been altered 3 times this year yet I am still getting worse. They do not seem to recognise that this anxiety is a new and very challenging symptom for me. They keep saying it's a symptom of my depression and that I need the right balance of medicatio, then happily sign me off of work. I've also previously mentioned that I am concerned I may have bipolar disorder type 2, but they've basically told me unless I do something crazy,like try to kill myself I cannot be referred for psychiatric assessment. The trouble is when my behaviour is fluctuating there's no way I would visit a doctor, it's only in hindsight when I seem to regulate or become more depressed that I can identify hypomanic style behavioural trends. I'm so frustrated and unhappy with feeling like I'm not being heard or offered constructive support that will help me level out that I'm tempted to do something stupid so that they finally hear my struggle and somedays I'm not sure I'd even care if it all just ended. I'm trying so hard to maintain a normal life but it's getting harder and harder. I'm exhausted of the effort and I can feel that I'm loosing. Somedays I can barely get out of bed, let alone leave the house. How do I get the support I need before I loose the energy to fight for myself? Stephanie Jayne

The past 10 weeks have filled my plate so high with challenges, I'm wondering if I should try out for the Trigger Olympics...which is one of the reasons why I chose to join AC (which I'm glad I did). But, seriously. It's like the Universe said, "Well done, Ray! Here's your final exam. Good luck!" and threw a slew of Kryptonite at me. And even though the real Ray, the grounded Ray, the "I really like being alive and a part of this world and I have a little bird who needs me so I'm not going to leave him alone Ray" knows we're never dished anything we can't eat and there is no such thing as coincidence, it is still heartbreaking and very battering to the soul. Insult to injury, when I'm triggered and that connection to reality breaks, I don't wash my hands or jump in the shower...I Scream. I scream as if I'm being attacked. And even though I can't see, hear, or smell the thing that's attacking me, I lash out. I scream horrible things, calling horrible names, wishing horrible things to happen to this trigger that's attacking me. It could be a frustrating circumstance like a computer glitch or a person who said something unkind to me, whatever it may be that's keeping me from accomplishing what I wish to accomplish or feel at peace. In the past, I would actually hit myself and pull my hair in this state because I couldn't defend myself against an invisible opponent. The only way I knew I did that is when I saw marks on my arms, neck, or feel my head throbbing when I "came to." It took a LOT of work and discipline to not do that anymore, though I still get the impulses sometimes. My heart palpitates out of my chest, my stomach squeezes and twists around my rib cage, and it takes every ounce of everything I have to breathe...breathe...Breathe...and come back to Earth. Come back to Ray. Because that monster is not Ray! That monster is Anxiety, a liar, an illusionist, and a soul-stealer. So, when I am Ray again, I break down in sorrow because I've said and wished horrible things in a horrible way and I pray to Goddess and the Creator that none of those horrible things come to pass. Because I'm not a monster, at least I hope I'm not! I know I'd never want to be. And I cry and I cry and I say, "I'm sorry" over and over over... I'm now taking Ignacia, which is a natural herb for "grief and emotional upset," along with my usual vitamin B complex, and that seems to be helping me a bit. The attacks feel more superficial and I'm able to "get back to Ray" easier. But, this rage in my cage...My dad had rage attacks like this, so I know it's part hereditary. But, I wasn't treated very nicely growing up (to say the least), including by the people who were supposed to help and protect me. Am I the only one with this "Mr. Hyde" symptom? I've heard of extreme mood swings, yes (I'm Mediterranean AND a c****r, so I know all about those on a normal day!) but this is a little more than just "swingy." Maybe the screaming can stop with forgiveness? That would be nice. I'd like that. I'd like that alot. Blessed Be.