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Found 8 results

  1. emzi

    Anger

    I'm not an angry person. For most of my life I've been avoiding conflict for the life of me. Even when my brother used to steal and break my dolls I would only cry the most when my mom found out and he got into trouble. In fact, anger is something that's not discussed in our house. It's basically an unwritten rule that we have to smile and act polite or it's just unacceptable. We always have to be happy. I can't count the number of times when my mom has told me I don't get to be mad because I don't have to put up with everything she does or I don't get to be mad because I've had it better than she did. I used to listen. I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't have to. This year has been pretty difficult. I found out a lot of things about my family, I got rear-ended by a drunk driver, and I began to get snippets of memories of sexual abuse from my childhood. I've been trying to be so positive, but lately everything's been changing and it's making me feel like I've once again just stood up before someone's pulled the rug out from under me again. Without alcohol I've had to deal with it, and I've been trying to let myself not be so controlling over what I let myself feel. Sure anger has it's downsides. Sometimes I just want to punch the wall or scream at the world in frustration. It clouds my judgement at times (as any emotion does) and makes it hard to keep up my "nothing to see here" routine. People that I can usually put up with I've had to sever connections with because I just can't do it anymore. I'm less approachable, less of a pushover, but I don't mind. Mostly I'm alright with it because for me the benefits outweigh the detriments. It's a means to an end. If I get angry I can process it all. I get to feel what it did to me, and I get to get rid of all of that negative energy so I can move on. Maybe I won't move on from everything, but at least I can start to heal and take back the power the past has had on me. So if you're reading this, be angry with me. Don't be afraid of it. Anger can be a weapon, but it's also a tool. Depending on how you use it it can sew you up or rip you apart. You can't learn how it works until you experience it for yourself. What is something you're angry about?
  2. emzi

    Update

    Well, it's been a while. Nice to start typing again even if I'm not sure who will read it. I hate to do all these entries when I'm not doing well but it's those times I need to the most. Finals are coming up pretty fast now. I thought I was ok with everything but for some reason it's starting to creep in again. Quite a few times in the last couple weeks I've been too anxious to drive and I've had to ask for a lot of help which I hate. Plus, help has always been unreliable for me. Often people close to me will say they'll help or they'll do something and then they just don't. I guess I hate trusting people to help me. Then there's the anger again. I don't want to process what happened to me. I don't even know fully what happened to me. If it was who I think it was I still him every family gathering. If it was who I think it was why didn't anyone warn me, and why did they trust him? Then there's the other thing. I hope to god that was the thing that traumatized me, because if it was then I know and I don't have to think about someone in my family who I trust violating me that way. Then just anger at the world. Anger about why. Anger at my skin, and my brain and my heart. I guess when you bottle all that up for so long it really makes a mess when you start to pour it out. It's tough, but I just have to keep pushing through it all. Once I get through finals and my boyfriend is back I can feel relatively normal again. I can forget some more and be happy.
  3. After watch Guy Winch at TED about Emotional First Aid I got really pump up and it's look good for me, So I decided to create content about It. Hope you like it. So what it emotional first aid come for ? Imagine you are in park, observing a group of children playing around on the playground. Apparently, the taller of the two are pissed off because the shorter keeps following him around. Then he pushes the other, causing the latter to fall and scrape his knee. Three other kids stop playing. One runs to her home and come back carrying a first aid kid. Everybody is familiar with first aid kid, the little white box with a red cross on its front surface. The kid with first aid kid put a band aid over the fallen kid’s knees, and they’re back to playing. In a glance, it’s all sunshine and rainbow again for those children. But are they really? Everybody worry about the fallen kid’s knee, but it’s been treated and it will be okay. It will heal. But, who worry about the fallen kid’s heart? His feeling is very hurt, and it doesn’t show but from that time the younger kid is afraid to approach older boy. But there is no such first aid kit for the boy’s heart. No band aid to heal his hurt feeling and to recover his trauma. But, you see, just because it doesn’t visible to eyes, doesn’t mean emotional injury doesn’t need band aid. Because human knows the risk of leaving physical wound or illness untreated, they make first aid kid: a box full of easy to reach medication and health tools. Yet despite knowing the risk of untreated injury, people seem wonderfully indifferent toward emotional injury. But how about leaving emotional injury ? So, what do we need to do to make this emotional first aid? According to the book, the treatment will be different according to each type of the emotional injuries: rejection, loneliness, loss and trauma, guilt, rumination, failure, and low self esteem. Let's discuss one by one Loneliness Loneliness isn’t a ‘door shut on your face’ type of hurt like rejection. It comes slowly, creeping between your day and night, even when you’re surrounded with people. Loneliness makes you sad, constantly on guard and tends to mistrust other people. Often because of that it drives people away, so you’re going to be even lonelier. how about the first aid for loneliness ? Stop bullying yourself !!! We frown upon bullying when we see one, yet we often bully our own selves. We often blame ourself for everything that goes wrong, even when those things are just coincident. In our head, we often call ourselves ugly, stupid, and other demeaning words. When we succeed, we seldom praise ourselves. In fact, bullying ourselves will just add negative thinking into our head. When we’re too deep in negative thinking, we may regard everything in life with negative lens, including connecting to people. That makes us even lonelier. Borrow other people’s eyes Are you afraid you won’t meet other people’s expectation when you’re interacting with them? Let me ask you something. Are you afraid other people won’t meet your expectation when they’re interacting with you? No, right? You don’t expect something from others when you’re casually interacting with them, except basic manner of course. So, remember that that’s what exactly other people think of you in conversation: they don’t expect anything from you. Knowing this will help you relax in conversation. For rejection, loss and trauma, guilt, rumination, failure, and low self esteem, I will continue it If this is post get a good respond ;):throb: Source
  4. I get very frustrated easily and it wreaks havoc on my life. I am constantly yelling and angry. When im not yelling im fine then boom im irritated or angry. I have been taking 40mg celexa for 2 years. Because of this i decided to start taking 50mg. 2 days in and i feel a little better already but not sure if it is placebo effect. Does anyone know what type of disorder I have? i know i am depressed because i get sad, miserable, negative, lazy, so much so that it interferes with my life. But the anger? Is that bipolar? or ocd? I use to be very ocd as a child with straightening things. Please help.
  5. Someone once said to me that my anxiety is basically me masking over my anger. I didn't listen at the time because I didn't feel anger towards anyone... I was just nervous... but it's got me thinking recently. Some days I feel like I have two modes (I'm reluctant to use the word personalities). One mode is assertive, honest and outgoing and the other mode is quiet, nervous and suppressed. On the good days I'm kind and understanding of friends, family and even strangers. I'm good fun to talk to and i'm not afraid of sharing my thoughts... on the bad days I cut myself off from everyone. I don't want to talk to people, I struggle with eye contact and to be honest, I'd rather not leave my bedroom (but i always do!). Why the switch? I have no control over this and generally speaking it's a snowball effect. If I have a bad day, the chances are tomorrow will be the same. If I have a good day I'm worried it won't last. It's been worse recently and I can't figure out what the hell has caused it to go downhill. I do feel like I have a lot of anger towards people at times when they upset me and I am sorting through a lot of problems at the moment... perhaps I feel more nervous and suppressed because people seem to be pissing me off more than usual. I don't want to be the nervous quiet guy anymore. If it's anger, how do I get it out without doing any damage...
  6. Hello Everyone, I just registered on this website as I had been doing a google search using terms like "anxiety", "relieving stress", "getting rid of palpitation"...you get the drift. I have been suffering from periods of tingling sensation and weakness in the left side of my body, on and off for quite some time now and on going to the doctor, I was told that my nerves were weaker. My mum has the same problem. It normally helps after a 15 day dose of vitamins. But for the past 2-3 weeks, this has increased. I cannot sleep. The thought of going to work leads to my heart fluttering like crazy, a slight feeling of loss of balance, heavy eyes, heaviness and tingling sensation in the left side of my body and face. When I am not feeling this, I feel extremely and uncontrollably angry. I am like this flammable person for whom one word is sufficient to feel under confident. I think practically and decide to not be affected by negative feelings, but this simply doesn't reflect in practice. I am at a point where I hate my job, but leaving it is not an option. I am only 26 and have hardly 2 years of work experience. I desperately want to feel happy, confident, relaxed and casual but am at such a loss. Plus, I don't really want to take any medicine. I want to try to deal with it by changing my attitude and taking small steps but for a permanent change, before its too late. These days I feel tense even before office calls and there's no way to get out of it. Please let me know if you have any suggestions to take control of my situation.
  7. The past 10 weeks have filled my plate so high with challenges, I'm wondering if I should try out for the Trigger Olympics...which is one of the reasons why I chose to join AC (which I'm glad I did). But, seriously. It's like the Universe said, "Well done, Ray! Here's your final exam. Good luck!" and threw a slew of Kryptonite at me. And even though the real Ray, the grounded Ray, the "I really like being alive and a part of this world and I have a little bird who needs me so I'm not going to leave him alone Ray" knows we're never dished anything we can't eat and there is no such thing as coincidence, it is still heartbreaking and very battering to the soul. Insult to injury, when I'm triggered and that connection to reality breaks, I don't wash my hands or jump in the shower...I Scream. I scream as if I'm being attacked. And even though I can't see, hear, or smell the thing that's attacking me, I lash out. I scream horrible things, calling horrible names, wishing horrible things to happen to this trigger that's attacking me. It could be a frustrating circumstance like a computer glitch or a person who said something unkind to me, whatever it may be that's keeping me from accomplishing what I wish to accomplish or feel at peace. In the past, I would actually hit myself and pull my hair in this state because I couldn't defend myself against an invisible opponent. The only way I knew I did that is when I saw marks on my arms, neck, or feel my head throbbing when I "came to." It took a LOT of work and discipline to not do that anymore, though I still get the impulses sometimes. My heart palpitates out of my chest, my stomach squeezes and twists around my rib cage, and it takes every ounce of everything I have to breathe...breathe...Breathe...and come back to Earth. Come back to Ray. Because that monster is not Ray! That monster is Anxiety, a liar, an illusionist, and a soul-stealer. So, when I am Ray again, I break down in sorrow because I've said and wished horrible things in a horrible way and I pray to Goddess and the Creator that none of those horrible things come to pass. Because I'm not a monster, at least I hope I'm not! I know I'd never want to be. And I cry and I cry and I say, "I'm sorry" over and over over... I'm now taking Ignacia, which is a natural herb for "grief and emotional upset," along with my usual vitamin B complex, and that seems to be helping me a bit. The attacks feel more superficial and I'm able to "get back to Ray" easier. But, this rage in my cage...My dad had rage attacks like this, so I know it's part hereditary. But, I wasn't treated very nicely growing up (to say the least), including by the people who were supposed to help and protect me. Am I the only one with this "Mr. Hyde" symptom? I've heard of extreme mood swings, yes (I'm Mediterranean AND a c****r, so I know all about those on a normal day!) but this is a little more than just "swingy." Maybe the screaming can stop with forgiveness? That would be nice. I'd like that. I'd like that alot. Blessed Be.
  8. Hi, I introduce myself because I am a functioning individual, diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have done it all, it seems. And while trial and error seemed to be a major league way of getting by in life, I feel like crying some times of guilt for all I've done. I am very outspoken and irritable, but I respect people's mental health disorders. I have one and know the mind can be a pandora's box sometimes. So I hope to hear good and bad things on this forum. Thanks for your time.