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About collegelady

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  1. I totally get what you mean about freaking him out because I actually messaged my guy today and asked if he was clean!! I felt so bad and told him to not take it personally, it was for my sanity. He said yes to being clean. He doesn't seem like the type to lie either, so his answer kind of helps. Anyways, I shouldn't have asked lol it felt so wrong of me but my HA took over my rational thinking. Honestly, I don't think I can go through this again. When I'm in a serious relationship is when I'll ask the guy to be tested and I'll get tested with him before we go farther into intimacy. I'm glad your situation worked out!
  2. First time I enjoyed being called not special!!!! Quite frankly that's all i've been begging for recently, to not be that special case! Thank you for putting some sense into me. I think I'm just scared because it was a first experience sort of thing combined with this newly acquired health anxiety. I'm overthinking everything I've encountered in the last 4 years. Thank you, happy holidays
  3. My first post on here was about ALS, so I can share how I got over it. For me, I felt really weak in the hands and legs, and my hands were shaking a lot. I was told to do activities that reminded your body that you're okay. I walked up and down 6 flights of stairs and I did some lifts with my 25 lb kettle bell to show my body that I'm okay. Someone told me there's perceived weakness and actually being weak and that's what got through to me. I know you didn't mention weakness, just twitching, but please remind yourself that someone with ALS cannot climb ladders, squat, bend over, carry multiple things, or dance. The muscles would physically fail at doing these activities. And the symptoms of ALS don't come and go, they are constant and they get worse. In my experience, constantly reminding myself of this and doing my usual activities helped. Maybe it can for you too. I hope this helps!
  4. While I'm still battling my own health anxiety demons, these are some things that I've done that have helped me calm down during a full blown attack. It may not be much but maybe this can be a reminder to those who need it. 1) Walk. Take a very long walk. Listen to some calming music and just walk. (Obviously mind your surroundings) 2) Meditate. There are some good meditation videos on youtube, even 10 minute ones, that talk you through your thoughts and tell you to let them go. 3) With your eyes closed, lie on your back with your knees bent and breathe deeply. Or sit in a comfortable position. While doing this, pick out a few sounds you can hear and just listen. This will help ground you to reality. 4) Read a happy book. I find it helpful when I immerse myself into someone else's happy story so I can forget about my fears for a while. This can be done with movies or TV shows. 5) Write it down. I've never kept a journal before, but I just started. I write exactly what I'm thinking and exactly how I feel about it. At the end of every journal, I write "I AM OKAY" in large font. Writing down your thoughts can help you put it into words if you feel like your mind is all jumbled up. Even if you think you sound awkward, you let the feelings out and that's what matters. It's also a great way to check your habits. 6) Take a shower, pamper yourself, and drink some chamomile tea. Buy a lavender scent diffuser or candle for your room. 7) The obvious one: GET OFF THE INTERNET. This one is something I'm still trying to master, because it's extremely hard. Google seems like a lifeline when it comes to health anxiety. You think googling is going to relieve your mind but it's not, it just makes it worse. Everything can be a fatal disease thanks to Google. I used to actually get mad when I saw websites telling you to put the phone down because I convinced myself that putting your phone down doesn't make the problem go away. When I first was able to put my phone down, I learned that the problem doesn't go away BUT I don't create new ones. Creating new ones pumps your mind even more. Eventually the problem you currently have will seem smaller than before when you don't Google things. Just give it time. I hope this will help even just ONE person, whoever it may be. These may seem so obvious but sometimes people need to be reminded to do the simple things. I was one of those people just a few days ago.
  5. Thank you for this. It's funny because you are not the first person I've come across in the last few hours that has said HIV transmission facts are propaganda that were done to tell people "better safe that sorry". I would love to read articles about it, because that's very interesting to me. Obviously things are possible, but yes I do have to remind I that rare case? Probably not. I could go to planned parenthood and do a test, but I also need to start trusting myself. It's just that nagging thought, "what if IM the one?"
  6. It seems as though my anxiety has now jumped from ALS or MS to being HIV positive. I went through a lot of the threads where others have had this worry and it has provided me some comfort that I am not the only one who has felt this way before. I'm trying really hard to not have a full blown panic attack right now. Basically, at the beginning of May, I was with one guy. I did not have sex with him (nor have I had sex before), but instead other ~things~ were done. I will not get into details because there could be young people reading these threads. Here are the good things: From May until right now I haven't gotten sick (not even a cold), I haven't had dramatic weight loss, and I do not run a fever, I haven't had skin rashes, my body hasn't ached all over, and while I do love my naps...I don't recall ever feeling lethargic even after a full day of activity. The bad things: the swollen lump fear has now come back to haunt me, and now instead of attaching this thought to lymphoma, I'm attaching it to HIV. My doctor also told me my tonsils felt enlarged 2 weeks ago. I had a bad UTI and yeast infection about 2 weeks after my time with him, but that was taken care of and I don't believe I've had one since (I blamed it on the scented pads I used for monthly cycle...never again!!!!). I also see that oral thrush is a thing, and now I'm questioning if my tongue looks white or not. I've also had this semi dry cough, that has improved, but is still lingering (I'm not sick though). Now I know a simple solution is to get tested, but I don't even want to because of how fearful I am. I'm not sure if I trust drugstore kits either. I also am not sure how to get tested without my family knowing. What I also know is that so much time has passed (nearly 8 months), and I think that can count for something. But I also know in some cases HIV can remained undetected for years. The guy I was with doesn't seem like the type to be in a situation where he would be exposed to this virus and certainly he is all about his health (he lifts weights and is on some kind of muscle journey lol). And yes I know that looks don't determine someone's HIV status. I feel very stupid writing this post but maybe someone will verbally slap some sense into me and tell me I'm fine
  7. Thank you so much for replying. I certainly am going to get help for this, because I know I can't live the rest of my life this way. Thank you for your words of wisdom, it means a lot for strangers to answer me. Merry Christmas!!
  8. Thank you so much for responding! The shaky and weak hands is exactly what I'm going through right now! I meditated for 30 minutes last night and was able to calm down and stop shaking. But this morning my body woke up in an adrenaline rush and im back to my shakiness. My legs feel a tiny bit weak but I think it's because I was in bed all day and didn't move. Gonna meditate again later today. I was also going to go to the doctor today but I'm going to take your advice and wait a week and see what happens. I see a therapist next week too. Thank you, good luck on your finals as well! Happy holidays :)
  9. Thank you so much for replying. In the back of my mind I know I'm not ill, but there's the majority of my brain telling me I am. And then my "symptoms" get worse/don't go away. I have this excessive irrational fear of dying and another fear of going to the doctor and being told I have 6 weeks left to live, which is what pushes my anxiety even more. I know everyone eventually passes, but I don't want to live my life in this's just not normal. And its not something I've always felt, it maybe started like a year ago. I went for a really long walk today around campus and my body was able to calm down and not feel like jelly anymore. I just hate that I feel like I can't control my body anymore. My school does offer services but I unfortunately couldn't get an appointment at a decent time, but I scheduled for a therapist meeting when I go home. I actually went out yesterday and bought a journal to write all of my thoughts in! I'm going to try to meditate and go for long walks more often to help me be calm. Thank you for your kind words, sorry if I spoke too deeply for your comfort lol
  10. I'm a 20 year old college student, and I think I can safely diagnose myself with health related anxiety. I was always one to worry about my physical health, and I'd always go to the doctor to put myself at ease. I handled it well before, but recently a friend my age died of cancer and it set off the ticking time bomb within me. First, I had an infected cyst under my arm. I convinced myself I had undiagnosed lymphoma. I went to 3 doctors, and they all told me that it was a minor infection. For some reason, I didn't believe them. I didn't believe them even though I was put on antibiotics and the infection and lump went away under my arm. On top of not believing them, I constantly check the internet and check my temperature for that short relieved assurance that I'm fine. Second, I have a minor cough that's accompanied by a tickle in my throat. I then convinced myself I had lung cancer or some sort of fatal disease in my heart or lungs. Went to the doctor and they told me I had a bunch of mucus in the back of my throat and it was a post nasal drip. Third, I started having back pain. Once again, searching the internet made me believe I had lung cancer or failing kidneys. In the back of my mind I knew it was from bad posture, but my body told me it was cancer. Now this week, I'm studying the nervous system and we covered several motor disorders. These include ALS, Parkinson's, Huntington's, and others. Now I've developed weakness in my legs and arms (they feel like jelly), and my hands are shaking a tiny bit. I have been constantly in a state of anxiety since the beginning of November, and this is most likely from anxiety, but I am CONVINCED I have ALS. I can hold a pen just fine, I'm not tripping over my feet, I was able to lift a 25 pound kettlebell in each individual hand, and I walked up and down 6 flight of stairs 3 times yesterday. My legs feel better, and my hands feel better, but are still shaky. Yet here I am. Because I am in such a state of anxiousness all day every day, I haven't been able to eat or study. I am crying nearly every other day. These are the thoughts that run through my mind as soon as I wake up in the morning up until I go to bed. I have avoided hearing or reading the words cancer, death, disease, etc. Every time I hear it, I go into panic mode and I nearly vomit. I'm even bothering my parents because I'm constantly calling them to ask for reassurance that I'm not fatally ill. I'm seeing someone about this when I come home from school, but I am desperate for medication that can help me be in a calmer state so I can deal with my anxiety better. I don't know how this works. Has anyone ever started feeling symptoms when they hear about a new disease? How have you guys coped with this? My goal in life is to work as a physical therapist in a hospital with patients with spinal cord injuries, amputated limbs, and other disabling problems. I can't do that if I can barely deal with my own health.