MusicInMotion67

Thank you both. I started writing poetry when I was 14, I didn't develop depression until about two or three years into my second marriage around 2004-2005, but it didn't get real severe until after my husband committed s****de back in 2008. I just figured I was going through the mourning process "oh this is normal I'll pull out of it, I just have to let it run it's course." The only problem was two years after his death I was still in deep depression. Living in my bedroom, never coming out unless I went up to my daughters room to get my grandson. Didn't take a shower for weeks at a time, didn't care to eat, it just seemed to be getting lower and lower and my kids kept pointing out how much I'd changed. My daughter who had suffered from depression as a pre-teen and then early teenage years, told me that I needed to be seen. It was when I finally realized that this was only getting worse and needed to get help that I done anything about it.

Not crazy at all, if anything College life in itself can be crazy. The first semester is always the most difficult, but once you make it through that, you start settling into the routine, the financial aid part of it's a lot easier because you know what you're doing the second time around. Girl I've been trying to get my AA degree for the past, now get this...the past 10, yes count them 10 years dear lol. I've had to either quit or I'd drop out or just one thing after another and last time I went to enroll with my son and daughter in-law I was so stressed out thinking, I'm gonna end up dropping again, I'm gonna look like a failure to my kids, i'm gonna disappoint myself, I don't wanna be a loser, this had me so worked up that I couldn't talk right, literally could only get a few words out if I was lucky, I called my doctor from the college and he told me to get to the hospital he thought I was having a stroke that's how bad my speech was, and I felt like I was in a dream in my head (you know what I mean?) Anyway, my son drove me to the local hospital there and they admitted me, everything came back normal, it turns out I was having an anxiety attack I guess or panic attack, either way they gave me something to calm me down and my speech came back just fine. I asked the nurse what the problem was, she looked on my chart and said they have it down as a stress related panic attack. WOW big eye opener, I had no clue stress could do that to a person. And guess what? I did have to pull out because my stupid car broke down on me and I was never able to get it repaired B). Anyway, my point is, not only is the first year hard, but then you factor in your stress, anxiety/panic attacks, and depression and wow it can do a lot to a person. Force yourself to stick it out, enroll again for next semester or fall semester, stick with it, and as for your friends, sit down and have a talk with them, explain what's going on with you, who knows you just may find out that one or more of them are experiencing the same thing and they'er just hiding it. God is a wonder and often times He'll use our life experiences to help other people, but don't allow the depression to win, stay strong and keep your head up. Call your friends to set up a day for ya'll to go out for lunch or drinks depending on your age and again, force yourself to do it. I have to force myself every week to get up and go to church, to interpret at church, then to go on monday nights and teach my class at the church. These are all things I greatly love and get tremendous satisfaction from but yet I still have to force myself to do them. Go out have fun and talk to your friends, I'm sure they'll understand, after all, it sounds like they stuck around when the others wouldn't.

Gilly, so sorry you're having the up and down stuff going on with you, that's a confusing and can be frightening experience. It's really weird, when I think of myself in the past in comparison to how I am today....I mean even just within the past 10 years, I see such a drastic person, just a shell of what I used to be. I was so open and outgoing, loved to be around a lot of people, easy to make new friends and confident, however since moving moving here to CA and marrying Tim and all that's gone on since then, in many aspects I'm so opposite of what I once was. I still enjoy being around people, but i'm a lot quieter at first, it's harder for me to meet people, and i'm not no where near as confident in myself as I once was. I can feel that difference in such a big way and it bothers me. Everyone used to enjoy being around me because I was such a happy and upbeat person all the time, but not really that way anymore, and i'm trying to get back there but not having a lot of luck at it lol. Do y'all ever feel that way also? Like you're a different person than you used to be?

I'm not even sure when the depression hit me, but I'm thinking it was back before my husband died in 08, I believe it started in 04-05. My second husband was so verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive it wasn't even funny, me and my two oldest children got the brunt of it especially me. Well, then in March of 2008 my husband who was also dealing with depression, committed s****de, at the time I thought it was an accidental overdose, until I counted how much of the pain pills and muscle relaxers he had. That whole thing just threw me for a loop. I couldn't work, was in a constant fog, only remember bits and pieces surrounding that time after his death but it was after that when it really kicked in, I'd say mid 2008. I didn't wanna get dressed, take a shower, clean my room, get out of bed even, all I wanted to do was sleep, the only positive time during my life at that point was my precious grandson. He's a special baby that had a lot of struggles in the first year of his life and we almost lost him multiple times, but knowing I could go upstairs and get him whenever I wanted and bring him down, sing to him, love on him and know he loved me made all the difference in the world for me. As a matter of fact, I remember saying that he was my only reason to get up each day. Well, two years I stayed in my room literally, had my children not brought me food I wouldn't have eaten, I was having a lot of flare up's with my fibromyalgia so a lot of pain all the time. My legs would go out from under me, I couldn't speak right, so much was going on with me physically as well as mentally it wasn't even funny, but I continued telling myself "it's just natural mourning I'll pull out of it." Well, I never pulled out of it. Finally I went and got on some anti depressants which has helped tremendously, but I can tell I do need to get some other kind as these aren't working like they once did. It's not a fun place to be and that's one dark hole I never want to fall back into...it's way to hard to get out of.

There's nothing wrong with keeping your bedroom door locked, why should she care anyways? With her being so determined and volatile about it, it would have me questioning what her motive is. After all she has no right or place telling you that unless she's wanting something out of your room. Try real hard not to let it get to you, like Nina said soon she'll be your "ex house-mate" and you won't have to worry about her anymore. Tell her that the new roommate would just have to wait until you're home if she really has to see it but I don't get why that would be either. Good luck with it all. Chin up.

I've actually been able to go to sleep without aid for the past three or four nights at a decent hour. Anything before midnight is a decent hour for me. Not sure what happened, the only thing I've done differently has been to get out in the sun more often...hmmmm, yeah not sure what changed it but i'm great full for it whatever that may be.

I'm not sure what happened with me, but over the past several days, I've actually had no problem with getting to sleep at a decent, even early time sometimes. The only thing I've done differently has been exposing myself to the sun more often in hopes that the vitamin D as well as the sun itself would get my body straightened out on the night day thing. And for the past four nights or so I've actually gone to sleep at a decent time, however I must say that I wake up multiple times during the night which is frustrating. Good luck, I've been great full that it has been turning off. That's been my biggest problem.

Yeah the past couple of nights I have, but I've also had my muscle relaxers that makes me real tired too, so once those are gone I'll really find out how well I sleep.

Chocolate, I tell my kids "give me chocolate and i'm yours". lol and can't I like dark chocolate, but Ice cream, any kind of chocolate.

Every night and it's horrible, I hate it but can't do anything about it.

When I was a kid and my mom suffered depression, I couldn't quite understand it because I couldn't see it, as with most people, but as an adult who struggles with it daily the best way I can describe it is to say it feels like a bottomless black pit that's swallowing me whole and I can't get out. The only way I got out was when Jesus reached His hand out to me to pull me back out, and He's had to walk with me every step of the way. My second marriage was a nightmare.....six years of hell. My husband who'd been my best friend for 10 years prior to us getting together completely changed. He became emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive and was very good at it. And his son was a very violent kid. I too write poetry and have since age 14, well during that time when I hit my lowest in regards to our marriage and how I felt about everything, I wrote this. LEFT WITHOUT A SOUND: Lord, we once had something so special, It was absolutely amazing to see, Like walking through a garden that was only meant for me. Every day was Heaven, It was like a dream come true, You gave me my hearts desire, It had to come from you. For I’d never had a person, who’d loved me quite so sweet, Or had a love for anyone else like what You’d given me, For this absolutely amazing man You’d brought into my life, Then later you blessed me, when I became his wife. What more could I have asked for, What more could I receive, That could even compare to the kind of love, That You had brought to me. Then something suddenly happened, Went so terribly wrong, To the love that we once had, A love that once was strong. The bitterness moved in, Like a cruel and laughing storm, To take away the beauty, From my garden so once adorn. It replaced it with a darkness, A dead and wilting sea, Of flowers that have died and now bring pain to me. He quickly became critical, cold, harsh, and cruel, how could this be possible, How could it be true? My once best friend who stole my heart would turn away from You, Let the bitterness in, let the darkness through. It came in like a flood, Like an angry crashing sea, Was it just a joke from Satan, So he could laugh and say to me? “What a fool you’ve been, To believe it could be true, To have a love so wonderful, Something you’d never knew. Walking in that dream world will always be the pit, That will trap you every time, And where you’ll continue to sit. For the foolish dreams you have, And where hope once abound, Will always be destroyed, And left without a sound Copyright © 2004 Karen Sawyer Written: 5/31/2004

It's very common to see physical manifestations of pain when experiencing depression, and often times because of that it can be difficult for Dr.'s to diagnose things such as Fibromyalgia, and other things like that because fm and depression run hand in hand and they both can have some of the same symptoms. Just hang in there and take it day by day. If they need to change your meds 100 times then let em do it till they find the right combination for you, I'm thinking very strongly about going back to my Psychiatrist to have my meds adjusted because they don't work anymore, although I'm sure not going to just stop taking them though because then it get's way worse, I fall back into that black bottomless dark hole and I can't get out and it seems even worse if I do, so, not for me but get that checked.

I've been where you are, as a matter of fact, my boyfriend just broke up with me a few days ago making the loneliness even worse. I didn't see him anyway, he lived an hr and half drive but I don't see my children or grandchildren very often even though we live in the same town. But I have been in situations where you have everyone around you, yet you still feel alone, not a fun feeling. It's like no one can quite understand you or maybe you feel like an outsider to the rest of the family. I did at times, but then I realized some people don't have anyone literally. No one but themselves, everyone else is either gone, dead, or in jail. So try to keep that in mind and maybe it'll help you with it.

Sometimes I may not be on here for a few days if i'm having a particular bad flare up of the fm and the past two weeks I have been. I was supposed to Interpret the sermon tomorrow at church, but can't get my arms up very well without a lot of pain in my shoulders. Anyway, wow what a wonderful reception I've gotten from all of you, that's awesome I look forward to getting to know all of you as well. @ Amanda, isn't it awesome being a grandma? I became a grandmother to five all in a span of three and half yrs, having the two girls one after the other was awesome, especially because the oldest out of the two Adyline born Oct 7th was almost born on my birthday, instead, she was born the day after my birthday on my grandmothers birthday. It was also real interesting because she wasn't due for another several weeks, as to where Savannah who was born on Oct 8th was actually past due, so we all expected her to be born anytime. The night Ady was born I got the same feeling I got last time my other daughter in-law was pregnant, like I just knew that baby was coming, so I immediately called up my oldest boys wife Savannah's mom Rosa, and asked if she was alright, how you feeling yada yada, and she's like "no i'm fine, no contractions or anything." so I knew it had to be Nikki my youngest boys fiance. But when I called my son and told him I felt I just needed to talk to his fiance and why he told me I was weird (leave it to a teen hu?) "Mom she's fine just don't worry about it, she's not even having contractions or anything, besides she's not due for another two or three weeks." My feeling never went away. Later that night the youngest boy Mike calls and tells me "Ma, you might be a new grandma again on your birthday, Nikki's in labor!" I just knew she would be. Then the next day, once again I got that same feeling and knew it had to be Rosa (my oldest son James, wife) sure enough I called and my son told me she was in labor as we spoke. lol, and when he called his little brother to tell him that Rosa was in the hosp in labor, Mike tells him "oh yeah due we had Ady last night we're in the hospital also." well it turns out that they were in the same hospital just a few doors down from one another lol. God has a sense of humor. The youngest boy Mike, ultimately went into the Army to support his growing family, he was supposed to graduate AIT (his training) early part of June. Well today my daughter calls to tell me she's bringing an early Mother's Day gift, (not unusual for her to do), so she has me close my eyes and when I opened them, I saw my son with his baby in his arms and his fiance with him. It was weird though, I noticed Adyline immediately, then looked to her mom, but when I looked at my son, even though I knew he was there it was like it didn't register that he was actually standing in front of me home from Virginia for a moment. Of course I started crying. It turns out that he wanted to surprise me also so he didn't tell me he was graduating on the 8th of this month I think, but he's been home since the 10th. so, so, so happy to have my son home with his family and safe. Now dang it here I go crying again lol. Women! lol This is from when he was here today.