Hoshi

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About Hoshi

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    Female
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    United Kingdom
  • Interests
    Art, illustration, comics and animation, urban music, travel, medicine and psychology.

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    holly.richards36

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  1. So I've always been aware that my anxiety is pretty chronic when there's some specific thing or another that is going on to trigger it (social events, money, housing etc). I also know that I used to be pretty chill when nothing was happening- those scarce gaps when I just had time to breathe and had no immediate worries that I always really looked forward to. But these days I've been noticing that when these gaps occur, there's a constant feeling of general unease even if there is nothing going on. If I've been stressed over fulfilling a certain commitment, once it's all sorted, rather than feeling everything's fine and now I have nothing else to do but go home and relax, I'll have this residual feeling of dread that just creeps up on me. Almost like it's been waiting in the wings, and it's a much more insidious sort of feeling because there's no immediate cause, and so no way for me to deal with it. I'm used to having issues that can be dealt with practically in one way or another, to reduce the anxiety directly. Usually if the feeling doesn't go away I know it's likely because there's another genuine thing at the back of my mind I've forgotten about which is niggling at me. So if I'm trying to relax, instead I'm constantly worrying 'oh no there's something I forgot to do', 'something important is coming up' even if I know really there isn't- it's the only way I can rationalize the sensation. It's just bugging especially because I felt it really strongly today, I went out with a few female friends for a nice drink and a meal to celebrate finishing this employment training course- I should have been relieved and happy to have put all the hard work behind me and have time off ahead. But everytime it got quiet or I went to the loo and was alone even for a couple of minutes, it would be like I was only distracting myself from the looming feeling in the background which would suddenly leap up in my throat again, it just dragged me down and stopped me from really having a nice time. I know this feeling is all pretty typical of GAD, but whilst I do suffer from quite severe anxiety- as I said usually I am set off by marked triggers, so this is pretty weird for me. Not really sure what to do
  2. Recently I went to my doctors for advice on hormone therapies to help me deal with my severe periods (I've always suffered really badly for years, and I've been looking into the legitimate possibility of endometriosis). I discussed with the nurse that my monthly symptoms have become unbearable, and my anxiety and depression can be impacted by hormones being out of whack anyway so I am pretty open to whatever contraceptive can relieve that. But I am also worried about too many side effects impacting negatively on my, shall we say, already delicate mental health (even though I'm technically med-free atm), and also very importantly for me the risk of exacerbating my other worries about messing with my skin (acne etc). Ideally I was hoping to find something that could be the lesser of the two evils so to speak. I'd heard a lot of good things about implants from people with similar cycles to mine, and I honestly wasn't too keen on the pill because of the range of possibility of things going wrong. But the nurse seemed to think it was best for me to try the pill since (what I hadn't even considered) if I did go ahead and get an implant or an IUD, if it didn't work well for me then it would be a hell of a lot harder to rip out at short notice than it would to just stop taking a pill. Anyway since there's no way to tell how any one individual will respond to any of them, basically it will just be a process of trial and error until I find what works for me. So she started me on the 'mini-pill' cerazette, it's been just over 2 weeks that I've been taking it and I'm already noting some very unsavoury mood swings, and unfortunately my skin has been breaking out like mad- nothing too unusual but it's just adding more to the original problem there. Today I've been suffering from the craziest paranoia, and whilst I could put it down to over stress because of all the other crap on my mind right now, I haven't felt this sickeningly uneasy in quite a long time. Literally so tense I'm shaking and I honestly felt terrified that something horribly wrong was going to happen, like I knew I was in a load of trouble for something and I was just waiting for it to hit. It was a really unusual day anyway and I kept thinking oh no something's changed, why is everything so weird something serious must be going on my senses are telling me this is a sign of impending disaster.. like literally it would sound crazy even to me at any other time but it feels so tangible right now I don't even know if I can sleep thinking about getting up tomorrow and something awful will be awaiting me. I just don't know if it's too early to say I should get the hell off this pill?? And what are my choices then?
  3. Thanks Gil, I actually feel kind of indignant bitching about her son moving in.. I mean it's her household so she has every right, but it's just made me super anxious. I met him earlier and he seems alright but I was really nervous and I think I just blabbed some stuff and then disappeared again. The living room is blocked off with all his stuff so I had to step around it just to get through which is kind of hazardous when you're that distracted! Is it a relatively new thing that women are supposed to be offered smear tests every 3 years then? Good on you for getting it done! I just changed surgeries like you and only booked in with the contraceptive clinic for the sake of investigating getting an implant, but new patients have to have an initial check-up and it has just also coincided with the smear. Bummer! I have some loose fitting smart trousers for tomorrow so I can get in and out of them quick and easy. And I dug out my nice rollneck top that looks smart but is super snug and has the extra comfort factor of covering me right up. Hopefully that will compensate and help me to relax a bit more. Phew.. Yes, I'm definitely looking forward to tomorrow afternoon when it'll be all over!
  4. My landlady's son is coming home from studying in London tonight. He's going to be moving into the living room- they have set up an old mattress on the floor where he'll be for the next MONTH. The house has already been in upheaval because of all his stuff being moved in and there just seems to be chaos every time I step out of my room at the moment. I've never even met him before so I'm not only anxious about meeting a stranger that I'm now going to be sharing space with constantly, but I cherish the already small windows of solitude to use the bathroom or kitchen at my leisure, when all the others are usually out- now I'll have to worry about him being there seeing my every movement because god knows if he might just stay in all the time, omfg. I also have a doctor's appointment booked for tomorrow and they want me to have my first cervical screening test as I just turned 25, and I am dreading it. I'll have to undress from the waist down so I'm panicking about preening my legs and how I won't be able to wear my patches. I had a bath earlier and took them all off but my body feels so wrong it's really hard to fight the compulsion to pick. I kept telling myself as soon as I get home after my appointment I can put them back on so it's all fine, just focus on that. But just now I have had a call from a job agency. Oh yes, all of a sudden they have a possible position for me at my old work and asked me to come in to register tomorrow morning. I said yes in a panic but then remembered my appointment, so they told me they will arrange it for like an hour and a half later. I have no idea where this agency is so I'm going to have to look up the address and plan my route tonight around the appointment, as well as worry about an outfit and make sure I look smart... I already felt like crap today but I didn't think it would matter so much for tomorrow, and now I'm going to be anxious about looking up to standard. I doubt I'll be able to get much sleep tonight now so that is certainly not going to help. Urgh.. jesus christ it just feels like too much.
  5. You are both right. I don't know why I am so tough on myself when most people would be telling me to just stop and calm down, my brain is like a military sergeant- no excuses allowed!! I had a sleep until about 3pm and still feel really sluggish and sore, but have decided I will go to the clinic tomorrow as they are open 7 days a week. I've only just registered with this place so haven't yet been to see a GP there but the nurses are all really friendly so hopefully I can express exactly how I'm feeling- sometimes you do feel a bit rushed in those places. I'm trying not to think about monday and putting pressure on myself to feel well before then, if I don't I'll just have to tell them.. but I would honestly rather be there doing something than stuck at home so that at least makes me feel better to know that it's mostly just stress and anxiety rather than depression in this case. Thanks for listening to me again guys. It really helps knowing I have somewhere to vent all this crap when I have few people to talk to at home
  6. The last few weeks have been progressively awful. I just feel like it's been one thing after another. I literally started my first week of this work trial through the jobcentre, after all the stress with money and finding a job, and right now I'm so physically and mentally exhausted I've had to cave in and take today off even though I didn't go in yesterday either (although the rule states I can only do 30 hours so I'm entitled to take at least one day or a combination of hours off in a week) but really I should've been there. Not only did I conveniently start my period on the monday, the stress of nervous exertion in the first 3 days alone has pulled all my muscles, and the panic of the early morning routine has caused me to fall down the stairs twice so I've been stiff and covered in bruises on top of all the other pain. My face has been in an absolute state, the worst I've seen it for months, and when normally after a flare-up it does start to get better, it seems to have been getting worse every single day and I'm fighting a hopeless battle trying to throw all these bloody useless products at it. I knew I hadn't generally been feeling well (especially after still trying to recover from the freak out weekend seeing my friends for my birthday, the topic of which I still haven't replied to posts about and I apologise!) but I was really pushing through this week thinking I was stabilising and today I've just toppled right over the edge. I went to bed anxious and when I got up this morning I just knew I was in a bad state. My housemates were all running late in the shower before me so I was in a blind rush getting ready to start with, about half way through doing a poor job of fixing my face I simply stopped, threw it all off and told myself I just couldn't cope with it anymore. I phoned my job advisor and told her I was feeling really unwell, she is aware of my condition and understood but recommended I phone the manager of the company I'm trialing with myself if I could. I was so nervous I felt like I was shaking on the phone and although he seemed hardly bothered by it all I could think was that I was such a let down, it's only been 3 days and I'm already phoning in sick! I told him I would try to be back on monday and he said that was fine. When I put the phone down I continued pacing in silence for about 30 seconds and then just full on burst into tears. I haven't cried in literally months. I NEVER cry unless it's something really bad. But I just couldn't cope. I've crawled back into bed with my laptop and now I'm contemplating whether or not to make the trip into town to see a GP at the walk-in clinic about my rosacea . I just feel like I want them to give me whatever I can get to calm it down because it's getting way out of hand right now, and if it doesn't start to get better after the weekend I don't think I'll be able to go back to work on monday. Why God why does this +++ timing always happen? :'(
  7. I have a group of 4 very good friends who mean the world to me. I've known them for several years- when we first met we were all in the same location, they were my main social hub, and we saw each other on a regular basis. Now over the years we've all gone our separate ways but constantly maintain contact via internet and have get-togethers on special occasions. Now as people commonly say, friends are supposed to be people you love and care about mutually, who you enjoy being with and make you feel better no matter the situation. And as sad as this is going to sound, over the internet or the phone or whatever these guys are all of these things. When I am in front of them however it is complete and utter hell for me. I used to have a massive problem when we lived closer because impromptu meet-ups and last minute plans to get me out for a drink panicked the crap out of me, due to what I was unaware back then was my body dysmorphia. I need a lot of time to prepare myself physically to socialize and I would often back out or avoid situations unless I was having a 'good patch' which is a very unpredictable occurrence for me. I was often feeling left out or guilty because I so often failed on my friends, and pressured myself to take more risks and go out even if I wasn't comfortable. That inevitably led to panic and anxiety which put me off of getting into that situation again, thus perpetuating the initial cycle of worry. For some reason it has always been so bad only with them, and not say, my best friend, or other people I know who I see on a semi-regular basis. Especially these days I am pretty much capable of maintaining my 'normal' functioning with all these other people but seeing these friends seems to trigger me completely off the wall. Since we have drifted further (but not apart) from each other the problem of unpredictability has all but been removed, and I have generally calmed down my dysmorphia to a huge degree mainly thanks to professional help, and the support to have the time and space I needed away from the typical late teenage lifestyle I was amidst. However, now in my early twenties, I still struggle with my condition, and those triggers from before have by no means disappeared. Even though our get-togethers now have to be organised far in advance and I feel more relaxed with this control at first, I found it has become somewhat of a crueler form of torture altogether. My distorted logic dictates that I must now make more of an effort because I have been given the opportunity of time, leaving no excuse to turn up inadequate on the day. Albeit much less severely in more recent times, I notice old patterns emerging, such as having the urge to buy excessive beauty products so that I can 'prepare' my skin and body well in advance. The resulting 'over-fussing' with multiple face masks, scrubs, blemish treatment- all in my mind future-proofing, but inevitably aggravating and detrimental to my complexion. And as it draws closer I notice gradual slips- loss of sleep, denying food and foregoing more important things over making time for my beauty routine. I run myself almost completely ragged in pursuit of this ideal I have created in my head- the perfect, flawless day of fun with my friends- that I am pushing further away by doing the very things needed to reach it. And by the time the event is 2 or 3 days away and there is nothing I can do to prepare myself any more, I always seem to be no better off or much worse than before. And I don't seem to learn from the experience either, which is pretty much the definition of madness in itself! Come the eve of the day I am exhausted, a nervous wreck, hopped up on coffee desperately trying to pull myself together enough to enjoy it when I attend. The anger and frustration knowing all my long effort to make my face and what skin I had hoped to show off in a pre-picked outfit flawless has dive-bombed into the ground. Along with the perpetuating worry of how to 'fix' the now more visible effects of my stress and fatigue from staying up into the early hours. I end up turning out on the day rushed and flustered, most likely covered with too much make-up, hair pushed over my face with a hat and a scarf wrapped up to my chin. I spend the day feeling incredibly low and anxious, avoiding direct eye contact with my friends, constantly fidgeting with the position of my hair, self-conscious about the lighting badly setting off my caked up face and sweating from overheat in my layers of cover. I literally want to be sick or just go home to crawl in my bed and the dream of what I wanted this day to be is leagues under a black ocean by now. After several counts of this ordeal repeating itself over the last few years, I just keep asking myself if it's all worth it just for them. I'm still trying hard to get better and I'm making more progress every day, but only a few hours worth of rendezvous with them every blue moon is enough to send me right back down to rock bottom. I can only take so much of that before I'm afraid It'll knock down all my hard work completely.
  8. I'm so angry right now at the nerve of my landlady's daughter!! She treats her mum so disrespectfully and always asks her for money when she's been cut off from jobseeker's because she can't be bothered to find a job or turn up for sign-on appointments. A couple of weeks ago she came to ME asking for money to get the bus to her boyfriend's house even though she knows I'm unemployed and living almost hand-to-mouth. And that was even after her mum refused to give her the money because she'd lied to her about going to a dentist appointment, which I heard about. She never gave the money back to me even though she said she would, and she's been acting like she doesn't know any better about it whenever she talks to me. Then one day last week I went to have a shower to find that my whole bottle of shampoo was missing, and her mum had mentioned that sometimes her daughter had a habit of using other people's nice expensive (that I bought as a treat for myself!!) products in the bathroom, so I automatically knew she must've taken it. God knows where- but it reappeared later that day with lots missing from the bottle and nobody including her has said a word about it. Now I hear her arguing with her mum and brother downstairs about asking them to lend her money for the bus again, and they told her no then went out somewhere. Five minutes later I hear a knock at my door and I know she's going to ask me for money so I don't open it but say 'Who is it, what do you want' etc. I tell her I have no spare change and then she still asks me if I have a cigarette she can have! I hardly ever smoke and even if I did have one I certainly wouldn't give it to you, you cheeky little mare. Grrrrr!
  9. Becca, it's so difficult feeling the way you do, but after chatting with you yesterday I feel like I relate to you a lot with your reasons for cutting. It is like an addiction sometimes, and the frustration you feel turns into anger and takes over so you just don't care about the consequences anymore. There are so many days where it's sunny and warm and beautiful outside and I can hear kids playing and dogs barking, and smell barbecue, and I'm shut in my bedroom, face down in my pillow with the covers over my head feeling like I just want to cry from the frustration. But when I'm that low I always remember that the littlest, tiniest things are what really matters. No matter what anyone else is doing, or what you think you should be doing, just think to yourself what YOU need to feel better at that moment. If it's even the smallest thing like making yourself a cup of tea, or having a shower, or whatever. I don't know if that makes any sense. But what I'm getting at is at the end of the day, maybe you don't need to understand why you do what you do- it's not your fault you have these feelings, and no-one can really justify what living 'normally' is anyway. Be a bit selfish for a while so you can focus on your recovery at your own pace. Take care and talk soon xx
  10. Hey guys, just thought I'd add this link that I got emailed recently, it's a really informative interview about this topic with a professional CBT therapist: http://www.skinpick.com/node/3259 Just go through the 'read full interview' link Thankyou Jonathon
  11. Hoshi

    Intro

    Hi Becca, are you pretty new aswell? Awesome to hear you're studying illustration & design! I would love to chat with you sometime too
  12. Hoshi

    Intro

    Hi Gilly, thanks for the welcome I can't believe that.. I specialize in comic-books also, what a coincidence! Can I ask what your hubby's name is/what he's working on? Maybe I've heard of him! What kind of titles are you into? This could lead to very interesting discussion lol.
  13. Hoshi

    Intro

    Hi all, just thought I'd give a brief introduction of myself. I'm a 25 y.o female living in the South West of the UK, diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, OCD and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), as well as having a compulsive condition called dermatillomania (which I explained in another post). I'm also an artist and illustrator in and out of various professional studies, and my future aim is to work in animation. I'm a big fan of cartoons and movies, music, and sleep! Hope to get to know a few people on here, and thanks for reading
  14. Love this thread! It's going to be popular. So far I don't actually have any of the things that you guys have said :-o Here's a few of mine.. If other people are in the house during the day and I'm listening to music, I always have to keep one earphone out so I can be semi-aware of anything that might be going on outside. Otherwise I literally can't relax. Once I know everyone's in bed for several hours I'm fine. I'm a girl yet I hover over the seat to pee pretty much every opportunity instead of sitting down. Not so much because of unsanitary worries but mostly because I've never liked the feeling of a cold seat and now I'm just so used to doing it! I unconsciously walk, hover and even jog around on my tiptoes, even in shoes, so naturally and often that all of my friends don't even notice it's unusual. Somehow if I try not to, it feels incredibly self-conscious and forced to stomp around on full foot. (Wow, thinking about those last two, my thighs are goddamn ripped) Those are all I can think of that I think are exceptionally odd at the moment.. I know I have more
  15. No problem Gilly, and Jonathon, and thanks for the welcome! I was mainly posting my experience as a benefit for others who wanted to know about the condition from a first-hand point of view, since especially in the UK it's a very little known aspect of OCD. But I've spent many years researching and finding out about the condition in order to better understand and cope for myself, and felt it would be worth talking about here. Nevertheless, through great support from family, friends and a lot of hard therapy, I have made a lot of positive progress over the years. I am able to maintain great joy and well-being in other areas of my life, and I don't let the condition define who I am as much as I did back at the worst points.