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I have a group of 4 very good friends who mean the world to me. I've known them for several years- when we first met we were all in the same location, they were my main social hub, and we saw each other on a regular basis. Now over the years we've all gone our separate ways but constantly maintain contact via internet and have get-togethers on special occasions. Now as people commonly say, friends are supposed to be people you love and care about mutually, who you enjoy being with and make you feel better no matter the situation. And as sad as this is going to sound, over the internet or the phone or whatever these guys are all of these things. When I am in front of them however it is complete and utter hell for me. I used to have a massive problem when we lived closer because impromptu meet-ups and last minute plans to get me out for a drink panicked the crap out of me, due to what I was unaware back then was my body dysmorphia. I need a lot of time to prepare myself physically to socialize and I would often back out or avoid situations unless I was having a 'good patch' which is a very unpredictable occurrence for me. I was often feeling left out or guilty because I so often failed on my friends, and pressured myself to take more risks and go out even if I wasn't comfortable. That inevitably led to panic and anxiety which put me off of getting into that situation again, thus perpetuating the initial cycle of worry. For some reason it has always been so bad only with them, and not say, my best friend, or other people I know who I see on a semi-regular basis. Especially these days I am pretty much capable of maintaining my 'normal' functioning with all these other people but seeing these friends seems to trigger me completely off the wall. Since we have drifted further (but not apart) from each other the problem of unpredictability has all but been removed, and I have generally calmed down my dysmorphia to a huge degree mainly thanks to professional help, and the support to have the time and space I needed away from the typical late teenage lifestyle I was amidst. However, now in my early twenties, I still struggle with my condition, and those triggers from before have by no means disappeared. Even though our get-togethers now have to be organised far in advance and I feel more relaxed with this control at first, I found it has become somewhat of a crueler form of torture altogether. My distorted logic dictates that I must now make more of an effort because I have been given the opportunity of time, leaving no excuse to turn up inadequate on the day. Albeit much less severely in more recent times, I notice old patterns emerging, such as having the urge to buy excessive beauty products so that I can 'prepare' my skin and body well in advance. The resulting 'over-fussing' with multiple face masks, scrubs, blemish treatment- all in my mind future-proofing, but inevitably aggravating and detrimental to my complexion. And as it draws closer I notice gradual slips- loss of sleep, denying food and foregoing more important things over making time for my beauty routine. I run myself almost completely ragged in pursuit of this ideal I have created in my head- the perfect, flawless day of fun with my friends- that I am pushing further away by doing the very things needed to reach it. And by the time the event is 2 or 3 days away and there is nothing I can do to prepare myself any more, I always seem to be no better off or much worse than before. And I don't seem to learn from the experience either, which is pretty much the definition of madness in itself! Come the eve of the day I am exhausted, a nervous wreck, hopped up on coffee desperately trying to pull myself together enough to enjoy it when I attend. The anger and frustration knowing all my long effort to make my face and what skin I had hoped to show off in a pre-picked outfit flawless has dive-bombed into the ground. Along with the perpetuating worry of how to 'fix' the now more visible effects of my stress and fatigue from staying up into the early hours. I end up turning out on the day rushed and flustered, most likely covered with too much make-up, hair pushed over my face with a hat and a scarf wrapped up to my chin. I spend the day feeling incredibly low and anxious, avoiding direct eye contact with my friends, constantly fidgeting with the position of my hair, self-conscious about the lighting badly setting off my caked up face and sweating from overheat in my layers of cover. I literally want to be sick or just go home to crawl in my bed and the dream of what I wanted this day to be is leagues under a black ocean by now. After several counts of this ordeal repeating itself over the last few years, I just keep asking myself if it's all worth it just for them. I'm still trying hard to get better and I'm making more progress every day, but only a few hours worth of rendezvous with them every blue moon is enough to send me right back down to rock bottom. I can only take so much of that before I'm afraid It'll knock down all my hard work completely.