BejeweledMexican

No it’s a real bruise. It doesn’t look as bad today but it still looks bad! I’m just so scared. And today I’m really sleepy!

Freaking out because I came home from work tonight and found a bruise on my hand, and not a small one! This was not there a couple of hours ago and I’m freaking out. I know that unexplained bruising and severe bruising are both part of leukemia and now I’m terrified. My friend thinks I just hit it on something but I don’t remember hitting it on anything and I feel like it would have been something I’d remember! I do work a lot with my hands at work like washing dishes and stuff but I do that all the time and never have I had a hand bruise before. It’s between my fingers....I’m so freaked out!!!!

So it's been a bit of a rough week. Yesterday my company had to cut back on people and so I lost one of my jobs. Thankfully I still have another one but the whole ordeal caused some added stress to my life. Bills, ya know? Well today I was actually feeling pretty good. Woke up, went to my other job, had a good day, etc. I went to visit my boyfriend and I was laying on his bed on my stomach. All of a sudden his arm comes flying down and lands hard on my back. It instantly feels like my breath is taken away and it HURTS! Well it's been about an hour now and the same spot still hurts. He said he didn't even do it hard, just in a playful way, which I get but maybe it hit the wrong spot? It's like right in the middle of my back. All I can think about is how it's possibly cancer that has made my bones brittle. I was just told the other day how well I'm doing controlling my anxiety....and now this. UGH.

It just looks....man how do I even put it?? Like cheese almost? Like moldy cheese? That doesn’t even make sense but that’s what it looks like. It’s not a pimple looking head or anything like that, it just looks like my skin has molded? I keep trying to take a picture to upload but it keeps telling me that my photo is too large.

So the other day I noticed that I had a bug bite on my leg and then realized there’s was something above it that also looked like a bug bite but it was definitely different. There was a big dot in the middle of it and it was red. It didn’t itch at all. Well I went to the nurse on a Thursday and she said to just watch it and make sure it doesn’t get inflamed. I didn’t think anything ofbit until last night when I checked on it and it was a raised white bump and red around that area. I immediately freaked out about a tick bite. I haven’t even been outside barely at all! Well today the redness was gone but it looks so weird still. I can’t tell what it is anymore because I already have a ton of cellulite on my leg. Just so stressed out and I don’t get my insurance until November....ugh

Do you think there's a possibility at all that it may be allergies? I have been coughing just a little the past few days but nowhere near as bad as last week, that's a good sign right? It's just today it feels like it's hard to breath again.

Oh my goodness y'all are hilarious. I mean....I've had snow my whole life and it's nice for the first month but when it's still snowing in April I'll send it all down to you guys! Thankfully in two weeks I'll be in South Carolina and so no more snow (except I'm home at Christmas....which is the BEST time for snow! I love it!) Thanks for the help guys. I'm just really struggling and really just trying to find a REASON as to why I keep coughing/feeling like I can't breath/ all phlegmy. I'm over it. It's been two weeks now and though it's been better, it's still there. I'm scared. I know originally I was scared of TB but now I'm kind of back to fluid in my lungs. I don't know. I'm searching for reasons when there's one probably right there in front of me.....ANXIETY. But for 2 weeks????

I should note that I never smelled a single thing. Nothing out of the ordinary and I didn’t find any wet spots. It’s just so weird!!!!

So the past two weeks I’ve had a cough and felt like I’ve had a little trouble breathing. It’s mostly gone now, though I’m still coughing a little. Well, my room is PACKED full of stuff. I mean...it’s messy. I just have my one room and all my stuff lives in there with me. Well, as I’m cleaning up for a garage sale and hoping to downsize for my upcoming move I found an almost empty bottle of nail polish remover. I do my nails about every two weeks and I only bought the remover like 2 months ago. Last I used it there was a full bottle...now there’s less than an 1/8. It must have spilled out on the floor....could it have poisoned me? What do I do?!?

I'm not sure if that's her specialty or not. She is a really great counselor but since I'm moving I may have to seek a different counselor anyway since there's rules about what state you live in. She has given me a lot of great tips and also is really good about looking things up that she's not sure about. However, we talk about more than just the health anxiety aspect of life so I'm not sure if that's a problem or not. I just want to go into this next phase with excitement. Right now though I'm just feeling down and depressed because 1. I'm still stuck at this stupid job (even though I'm almost finished) and 2. I feel like something is coming....something bad. I hate that. I wish I could move time. Do you have any suggestions??? I'll take anything! I just have to get through these next 2 weeks.

Besides my fear of TB last week I feel like I'm doing much better this week. I finally put my two weeks notice into my job. It's true what they say, some jobs just drain you mentally. My last day is the 19th and I'm just counting down the days till then. It seems like multiple times a day I just want to pull my hair out from this job lol out of 10 jobs my whole life this has been the worst. But anyway, I'm excited for things ahead......almost too excited. I spoke with my counselor last night and told her I feel like since I'm so excited and so happy, something bad is going to happen. I hate having that mindset. Like all I can think of is how easy it would be, in the span of less than two weeks to be diagnosed with a deadly disease and all the things I'm excited for just crash down by one doctor's diagnosis. I just hate having this minset. I'm sure I'm not the only one, right? I mean I've seen that meme where it's like 'When things are going suspiciously good....something must be wrong' or something like that. I feel like that. The past two days my back has been killing me but I've been handeling that pretty well, not trying to fight the pain, just kind of letting it happen. But I've also been having some random stomach stabbing pain and also a headache that's been here for about 3-4 days. It's a dull headache and very annoying. I thought at first it was sinus but it won't go away with my normal allergy meds. Basically.....how do you not let your mind wander to the worst case scenario? I'm so excited. I'm excited to start school again, feel like I have a purpose again, have my own apartment again, etc. I long for that...but my anxiety won't let me be too hopeful. How do you fight that?

I just don't like that it's been going on for a week now. Especially because when I breathe out it tickles all throughout my throat AND chest and I can't help but cough....more like hack up a lung lol but there's like no mucus. And then there's other times when I don't hack up a lung but I just cough a really dry cough. It scares me to death. I can deal with the coughing I just don't like the feeling I get when I breathe out. I told my counselor and she agrees that it's really weird.

I struggle with the EXACT same thing! It’s not even media though. My aunt has breast cancer and it hit stage 4 and so does my friend who’s only 30. It’s all around us. Media only helps remind us of it. I am trying to limit my media consumption. I am hopefully finding a way to do my part time job (which is on Facebook) on another platform. I don’t want to shut the world out and hide in a hole...that won’t help! But i think that media (tv, social media, etc.) can really make anxiety worse. If we really want to get better it may be best to just cut it out for a while. I know I go through boughts of anxiety where O’m fine! I’ll watch a tv show where someone has HIV and I wom’t Freak out one bit but then other times it sends me down a spiral. Trying to figure these things out with my therapist, maybe you and your therapist can help work out a plan! The one thing I always try and remind myself though is that if it’s on the news it’s probably because it’s not very common. That helps ease my mind a little.

But that's what I don't get. My nose is fine. No sneezing, no stuffiness, no stuffy ears. I get those allergies year round but right now I'm only having this nasty chest and throat crap. I don't know what else to do. I have to turn in my TB Test paper to the nurse at my college and I keep delaying it because on the list you have to check off that you HAVEN'T had a cough for two weeks....I'm on 1 week. Do I check it off an move on or do I wait? Ugh. I hate this. I hate my freaking body lol I want to be like you! You handle your anxiety so well!

I'm such a mess. I woke up this morning with a positive attitude. 'This is going to be a good day. You just have some post nasal drip...that's it! Nothing to worry about' The first two hours of the morning went well. When I first woke up I felt great! No coughing, no mucus, no chest fullness, nothing! Then about 30 minutes into the day I started feeling things in my throat and chest and I started coughing. I didn't let that get me down though. 'Must be allergies' I tried to convince myself...even though it's been like this for a week. I've gone over all the possibilites in my mind. TB. Heart attack. HIV. But my mind keeps coming back to lung mets from cancer. And then I get on Facebook..... 'One year ago today heaven gained an angel' yes, one of my best friends moms died a year ago today from breast cancer....that spread to her lungs. Now I'm back to freaking out. I don't know why this is happening. I hate that my mind immediately goes to the absolute worst case scenario. I hate that this crap has lasted for longer than a week now. Normally if it's just anxiety it's gone within like 4-5 days. I need serious help. How do y'all do it? How do you NOT let your mind go to the worst case scenario when your symptoms last a long time? I've tried everything. Cough drops, Flonase, Claritin, Mucinex, etc. I don't know what else to do.