Johnny Rico

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About Johnny Rico

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    Weston-Super-Mare, UK
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    Music, Art, Animals

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  1. Hi Jon, Thanks again for your response and can I say you have hit the nail on the head. For the first time I feel like somebody might actually understand what I'm talking about. I hope you are right and that one day I can look at this as a positive. It just feels so strange looking at the world now. Being aware of myself and that everything is subjective. Ultimately being aware of the fact that for the last 26 years I have been experiencing life, yet none of us have any idea what life is? How will this not drive me to madness? Haha. You'll have to forgive me for not wanting to give this any more thought at the moment, it just makes me feel even more dissociated. Right now I just want to focus on treating my depression and maybe once I pull through the other side, if I remember any of these feelings and the questions they bring about, I will try and examine them with a different mindset. I need some guidance, Possibly spiritually, which frightens me because I've never felt this need before. The world is a different place once you realise that things only make sense because we believe them too. God, is there any way I can go back? Thanks.
  2. Hi Jon, Thanks for taking the time to respond. I think my experience of depersonalization is what has triggered this. Like an acid trip. I've always wondered what the meaning of life was from time to time, like most people I'm sure. But this experience has made it real, it's changed my entire perception of the universe. Like a shift in conciousness but instead of reaching some euphoric level of enlightenment it's just left me feeling empty and confused. I don't understand the world as I see it any more. It's everywhere I look. I can't just hide under the covers any more. Everything is the same but so different. I know I'll never find the answers I'm looking for but that only makes it worse. I now understand the true definition of an existential crisis and why people turn to religion in difficult times. Of course I am over thinking but I just can't switch it off. My brain wants answers, it wants to fix this but it can't. I feel like I'm going mad. Who is the person in the mirror? Where do my thoughts come from? Is any of this even real? These are all questions I'll never know the answer to but I'll never be able to forget. I can't look at anything without wondering how it came to be. I feel like my brain has done a factory reset. I want to seek a proper diagnosis but I'm afraid of being labelled as psychotic or something. I know this is all a product of my depression/anxiety but I'm really struggling to see how I can carry on like this. Thank you.
  3. Hi guys, Firstly, I can't say that I have OCD because I have never been diagnosed and I don't believe in self-diagnosis (As ironic as that sounds coming from a health anxiety sufferer). However, I've been regularly speaking to a very close friend about what I have been going through. Mostly because he is a good solid support but also because he's very knowledgeable about mental health disorders and also a long time sufferer of OCD. Anyway, recently he sent me a link to an article that pretty much sums up what I'm experiencing down to a tee. Here is the article. So my question is, what do I do now? I'm due to start CBT soon but that's for GAD, do I need to seek a proper diagnosis? Will CBT help? Should I be on meds? I'm stuck in a cycle of depression - depersonalization - obsessive rumination - depression - repeat. Also if anyone can relate I'd love to hear from you. Thanks.
  4. I really want to believe but I'm just not sure I can any more. This just feels so strange, so real yet so alien at the same time. Reading back my post it doesn't even feel like I wrote it. This morning I walked to meet my girlfriend and I felt like I was in a movie. Everyone around me looked strange and lifeless. My voice doesn't sound like my own, I observe myself walking/talking/going about my day but I don't feel like I'm really there. I don't know, I've had derealisation so many times it doesn't bother me any more, but this is something new, something different. It's playing on my very sense of self and that's frightening. I feel like I'm dissolving. I feel like I'll forget who I am. Feeling like I don't exist conjures up really uncomfortable thoughts about existentialism and death. It's a really trippy experience. I guess this is depersonalisation. I really want to seek out psychiatric help but I'm afraid of what they'll tell me. It really feels like I am losing touch with reality. To be honest it feels like I already have. Like I said to me it feels like my mind can no longer cope with what I've been experiencing because every time I try to remind myself that I am just suffering from severe stress and anxiety my brain tells me "nope, not happening, you don't exist, nothing exists". I found a forum solely dedicated to this symptom but I'm afraid to read up more in case it's attributed to schizophrenia or some other psychotic illness. Thanks for your response anyway, I'm trying to surrender to this but it's so hard. I just feel so alone.
  5. Hey guys, I need some reassurance again It feels like every week it's something new. Every time I conquer one mountain there's another one. This week it's depersonalization. NOTHING FEELS REAL. I've suffered this to some degree the passed few months but recently it's on another level. I feel like a stranger in my own body, like I'm trapped in my mind. I feel like I'm trapped in this exact moment and even memories from just hours ago feel like a lifetime ago. It's so incredibly difficult to explain that I don't even know how anyone can relate. I've also been experiencing sudden feelings of what I can only describe as intense lucidity or I don't know, hyper conciousness lol Where I suddenly become aware of my existence, the universe and my perception of reality changes completely, as if waking up from a dream. This causes me a lot of anxiety but I don't feel it because I don't feel like I'm really here. None of these feelings have persisted indefinitely but they've really left a scar on me. It probably doesn't help that I'm basically nocturnal at the moment because of work. My only rational assumption is that this is my minds way of protecting me from traumatic thoughts and memories much in the same way that Derealization protects us from traumatic experiences in our surroundings. But how can I trust my assumptions when they lie to me so much Does anyone have any idea what I'm talking about or have I really lost it this time? Anyway this really sucks guys and I'd really like to hear from someone that understands what I'm experiencing Thanks
  6. Thanks Mark, I guess I just feel vulnerable when I don't have my wits about me. I need to stop trying to understand everything Thanks Dee and welcome to the forum, hope to see you around!
  7. Aw sorry to hear your still having a rough time mate. People without anxiety don't understand anxiety. My girlfriend is pretty supportive and even she loses patience with me sometimes. Are you sure they aren't just frustrated because they care about you and can't seem to help you? Either way if they're causing you stress then a bit of distance couldn't hurt. All the best.
  8. Aw thanks Amber, It's exhausting isn't it! I find these mental symptoms a lot harder to deal with than the physical ones. Especially since most people I speak to are more concerned with their racing heartbeat. Makes me feel like no one understands what I'm going through. I guess the grass is always greener lol I've been talking to a good friend about what's been going on and he reckons it sounds a lot like OCD. He has had very severe OCD for most of his life and has had a lot of treatment for it so I respect his opinion however I know I need to seek a proper diagnosis so I'm going to try and find a psychologist. Do you have OCD Amber?
  9. Hi everyone, I'm really struggling with racing thoughts at the moment and I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions? This is something that has been getting progressively worse for a couple weeks now and is making my job almost impossible! I work as a DJ in a very large nightclub (I know some of you probably can't imagine anything worse) and it is difficult when you suffer from every kind of anxiety under the sun but until recently it was often the only time I felt at peace. I could let my mind go and just do what I've always known how to do. And sure the pressure of knowing that if I made a mistake I would be jeered by 600 drunken idiots was a lot on the bad days but I always managed. Anyway recently I just can't shut it off, I feel like there are a hundred different thoughts going round and round my head like a turbo charged Ferris wheel. Sometimes I can't even tell what I'm thinking about. It's almost impossible to focus on even the simplest tasks. I have to read everything 6 or 7 times, following the plot of a movie is incredibly difficult, going to the shop and wondering around like a zombie because I can't remember what I was supposed to buy, even struggling to follow conversations with people. It's a living nightmare and I can't escape. Sometimes it gets so bad I get terrible headaches and ringing in my ears. Trying to sleep is like being on a roller coaster and often I'm jolted awake several times before I finally get to sleep. I often feel detached from my own thoughts/feelings/memories which is very frightening and disorientating. I've tried Mindfullness and have had some short lived success but it doesn't seem to be working at the moment. Same with Valium but that just makes my head feel even more muddled. I am so confused Anyway sorry about the rant, if anyone can offer me any advice it would be greatly appreciated. I know this is a common anxiety symptom but I can't help but worry it could be schizophrenia or something. Thanks.
  10. Hey everybody, So recently I've been suffering a short but pretty severe depressive episode that was brought on by a couple months of consistent panic. I don't want to jinx it but the passed couple days I have been beginning to feel as though I'm starting to pull myself out of it. Great news yeah! However I can feel the anxiety creeping in again. Mind races sometimes and I feel very on edge, random surges of adrenaline, feeling irritated by my girlfriend for no reason, incoherent mind chatter when I'm trying to sleep, doubting myself, my thoughts and beliefs, beginning to doubt my sanity again Oh dear. I know I need to just ride it out but I just need a little reassurance this isn't just a vicious circle I'm caught in. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
  11. Hi Mirageme, I was literally just having this EXACT conversation with my inner dialogue today on my way home from work and trying to figure out how I would explain it to someone. I feel like I know how I should be feeling but inside I feel nothing at all. I am extremely concious of the fact that I don't feel how I know I should and I dwell on it. And like you I am neither a cold nor heartless person but in fact quite the opposite. All I feel is fear (with occasional bouts of shame and guilt). I'm assuming that like me you haven't always felt this way? Personally, this developed after a prolonged episode of emotional exhaustion caused by living in a state of perpetual anxiety for several months. I have spoken to a few sufferers of anxiety that say they often experience an episode of depression following a particularly traumatic episode of anxiety so that's what I am considering. Although I have suffered from severe depression once before and it felt more like an uncontrollable sadness than a complete emotional flat-line, I have read that many suffers have experienced the same thing. Of course, there is a pretty fine line between anxiety and depression and personally I consider them the same thing just manifested in a different way, but that's just my unprofessional opinion. Anyway, sorry I can't offer you any advice but know you are not alone! And I hope you find as much solidarity here as I have Rico
  12. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get to see a psychiatrist or mental health specialist on the NHS? I know I can get a referral through my GP but I've heard it can often take the better part of a year. I really don't have the money to go private but I really need to see a professional, my GP doesn't understand mental health issues at all and it's becoming extremely frustrating. Thanks
  13. Hi peace. I really enjoyed your post. Spirituality is never something I've felt close to. I've always struggled with the concept of god since I wasn't raised religious and honestly never gave it much thought until my young adult years. I've tried to learn but it's only ever left me feeling empty and confused and now so more than ever. To be honest the idea of god frightens me. I know different people have different understandings of what god is and isn't, and I know there is something that binds us all together, most of the time I feel it too. But I guess I find the idea of god as an entity hard to swallow. No offence meant to anyone that does believe, I'm only 26, I don't really know anything. I really hope I can find peace, not even for my sake but for the people I care about and the people that rely on me. I truly am a lost soul right now. I would love to know more, Thanks
  14. Same here Madtowncard. My doctor finally gave me something to help me sleep but after taking one I feel extremely depressed for the next couple of days. Can't win