Just not holding up well these days

[mollyfin 366]

I'm sick of ovarian cancer scares.  There are only two people in the world close to me and I have to go through this with both of them?  And I already watched a friend die from it at 35, so the odds are no comfort to me.  

I'm sick of waiting.  I'm sick of waiting for appointments, I'm sick of waiting for results, I'm sick of waiting for surgery dates to arrive.

I'm angry that my girlfriend chose to bury her head in the sand instead of getting BRCA tested earlier.  If this is cancer, and she's positive, it could have been avoided.  I'm angry that she didn't go to the gynecologist for five years.  

I'm worn out going over and over what little I know about the situation.  It's pointless, because I won't ever reach another conclusion, but I can't stop.  

I see signs everywhere, I bargain with gods I don't believe in, I go through ridiculous rituals and every time I screw up I think I've doomed her.  

I don't want to be a 35 year old widow.  My mother is elderly.  I'm always right on the edge of losing the people I depend on.  

I'm always anxious.  I'm always exhausted.  My body always hurts.  I wake up constantly during the night.   Nothing is fun, nothing holds my attention, nothing distracts me.  It's just spending the days counting the hours until I can go to sleep again.  

I don't have a therapist - I've tried, I've interviewed several, but one bad experience after another has made me give up.  I can't afford to keep going for consultations just to be mocked and berated the entire time.  I take my medication, but it does nothing.  I think the nice people at the s****de hotline recognize me at this point.  Not that I abuse the service, I don't just go there to waste time or something.  Though tbh I'm probably not the best use of their time.  

I've aged so much in the past year and a half.  I barely recognize my own face.  My hair's started going grey (which really is probably not a result of anything but my dad's genes; his entire family ended up with bright white hair before they hit 50, but still, timing.)  I've gained so much weight after working to lose so much, and I can't even make myself care.  

No point to this post, I guess.  Just don't have anywhere else to talk.  Tried reddit, got a bunch of lectures on why I can't rely on someone else for my happiness.  I guess if I become more self-reliant I won't be sad when the love of my life dies or something.  

[Jae 211]

I'm reading and nodding my head Molly. I'm not sure how to change you or change me, what I do know is you are not alone in your feelings. 

For now please accept a hug in understanding. 

(((Mollyfin)))

[Iugrad91 501]

Molly, you’ve been thru a lot with just your own health issues lately and it’s no surprise that adding all those other worries on top of it has made you feel so crappy. My mom died almost 3 years ago, so I know what that feels like. Honestly once we knew she wasn’t going to get better (internal bleeding from a blood thinner and then a bad stroke after they stopped giving it to her in the hospital) it was easier to come to grips with it and I was at peace with her passing. Maybe that’s just me being weird. But you might be surprised at how strong you really are if you have to go thru something devestating like that.

As far as your spouses health concerns, does she have a family history of cancer? I personally would not want to do the BRAC testing unless I felt that I had a reason to, like family history or other risk factors. Just because you have a mutation doesn’t mean you will get cancer and living with that what if is what is HA sufferers do every day. I can’t imagine adding a real what if on top of everything else our minds create. But I understand what you’re saying, you want her to do everything she can to stay healthy and she has not. Bottom line is she is an adult and you can’t force her to do anything as frustrating as that is for us that like to be in control of everything. That doesn’t mean we won’t pester or worry, of course. Is she having any testing done soon?

Its not easy digging ourselves out of these holes we create but it is possible. One small step at a time. Maybe take a walk every day, try a little exercise or meditation, eat one healthy meal, work on a hobby,  watch a comedy, do small things that will make you feel just a little better here and there. Notice those little moments when you feel ok. The more you notice them the more you will want that feeling and be hopeful that you can have it again by practicing self care.

That all probably sounds like a lot of rambling as I was just typing my thoughts on my phone so I apologize for that but I hope you know we are all here for you to vent or whatever!

[PennyPanic 276]

18 hours ago, mollyfin said:

I'm sick of ovarian cancer scares.  There are only two people in the world close to me and I have to go through this with both of them?  And I already watched a friend die from it at 35, so the odds are no comfort to me.  

I'm sick of waiting.  I'm sick of waiting for appointments, I'm sick of waiting for results, I'm sick of waiting for surgery dates to arrive.

I'm angry that my girlfriend chose to bury her head in the sand instead of getting BRCA tested earlier.  If this is cancer, and she's positive, it could have been avoided.  I'm angry that she didn't go to the gynecologist for five years.  

I'm worn out going over and over what little I know about the situation.  It's pointless, because I won't ever reach another conclusion, but I can't stop.  

I see signs everywhere, I bargain with gods I don't believe in, I go through ridiculous rituals and every time I screw up I think I've doomed her.  

I don't want to be a 35 year old widow.  My mother is elderly.  I'm always right on the edge of losing the people I depend on.  

I'm always anxious.  I'm always exhausted.  My body always hurts.  I wake up constantly during the night.   Nothing is fun, nothing holds my attention, nothing distracts me.  It's just spending the days counting the hours until I can go to sleep again.  

I don't have a therapist - I've tried, I've interviewed several, but one bad experience after another has made me give up.  I can't afford to keep going for consultations just to be mocked and berated the entire time.  I take my medication, but it does nothing.  I think the nice people at the s****de hotline recognize me at this point.  Not that I abuse the service, I don't just go there to waste time or something.  Though tbh I'm probably not the best use of their time.  

I've aged so much in the past year and a half.  I barely recognize my own face.  My hair's started going grey (which really is probably not a result of anything but my dad's genes; his entire family ended up with bright white hair before they hit 50, but still, timing.)  I've gained so much weight after working to lose so much, and I can't even make myself care.  

No point to this post, I guess.  Just don't have anywhere else to talk.  Tried reddit, got a bunch of lectures on why I can't rely on someone else for my happiness.  I guess if I become more self-reliant I won't be sad when the love of my life dies or something.  

I wish there were words I could type here to encourage you and take away the mental anguish. I hope today is a better day. Just know that you have lots of friends on here that care about you and want you to be well and happy...which, by definition, includes you mom and wife. You mention that you’re not a believer. You know what...that’s ok. We’re praying on your behalf. You know what else? Just saying “help” is a full and complete and perfect prayer. Hugs.

[Iugrad91 501]

Thinking of you Mollyfin. I hope you’re doing ok.

[mollyfin 366]

Really no idea what I'd do without you guys, truly.  I'm just in a constant state of worry, even though I know it won't help anything.  But I need her to be okay.  

Yeah she has a family history of BRCA mutation and a bunch of cancers - even I'm not quite nervous enough to demand someone without one get tested! 

[mollyfin 366]

Her doctor won't give her the BRCA results over the phone, which generally seems to mean that there's something to discuss when it comes to these tests.  Her ultrasound is Friday; she's meeting with the doctor Tuesday.  

Right now I feel like the best I can hope for is just that she doesn't have ovarian cancer now and will have time to plan what to do should the test result be positive.  Unfortunately, she's waited quite a bit past the oldest recommended date to have your ovaries out (35 is considered the latest you should; she's 41), so the odds of her having cancer are significantly higher than everyone else's.  

Not looking forward to going through Valentine's Day pretending everything is fine.

[clearhead 129]

Hi Molly,

Lets take your girlfriend out of the mix. What happens to her or anyone else doesn’t have anything to do with your health. Period.

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences with finding a therapist and your medications lack of efficacy. I think that you should pursue a solution for both aggressively. You may want to start with your physician. Tell him/her your challenges. He/she can refer you to a local specialist that can get you on the right track.

[mollyfin 366]

I'm not at all worried about my own health right now, so I'm not sure what you mean by that.  I know it won't affect my health, but it'll certainly affect my life.

I haven't had a medication that worked for me in a very long time, unfortunately.  I've tried everything there is, and every experiment goes worst than the last.  s*****al depression, mood swings, awful side effects.  The worst was when the side effects from one medication that worked pretty well got too bad and I had to come off of it, because nothing else has ever really worked as well.  I've tried every SSRI on the market; I did have a neurologist suggest I try - I forget what specifically, but the older medications that have fallen out of favor now that SSRIs are available (MAOIs perhaps), as well as electroshock.  At that time I felt the risks were not worth the potential rewards.  

I've tried to engage my psychiatrist in helping me find a therapist, after she nagged me about it for years.  When I finally asked her about it, she said it was too late for therapy to help me and now I would need to join an outpatient program.  As I've done that before and had the most useless experience of my life, I figured doing nothing would literally be more worthwhile than that.  I stand by that really.  

Made the mistake of checking facebook memories today and saw this post from her.  My girl, not my psychiatrist (if she'd posted this, it would be creepy, haha:  "Happy anniversary, my love! I loved you before I was born and I will love you after I am dead ❤️"

I haven't stopped crying since.  It feels like a sign.  And even if it's not, I can't stop envisioning life without her and it's all just so pointless.  There is no me without her.  And I don't want there to be.  

[Stephanie 60]

I’m so sorry to read about all your struggles! It’s wonderful that you feel so close to your gf, and I truly hope she will be okay! My husband and I are currently having some martial problems, so count your blessings that you and your girl are so tight and love each other so much! Try not to read into the Facebook memory too much! I do think her health can definitely have some effect on your own health because stress can cause health issues. Not trying to scare anyone but I know I was having a ton of stress right before I was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago. I just had my six year checkup and it went well, but my Oncologist stressed how important it is to try to have as little stress as possible. I couldn’t tell him about my husband being a jerk because he was in the room with me! But I am working out four times a week with a personal trainer and she has me on a diet plan and I’ve managed the stress better than I’ve ever been able to, even when I was on meds! I’m not trying to make this about me but I will say working out is a great stress reliever. Anyway, I hope things get better for the both of you very soon! Hang in there my dear! ((((HUGS)))) 

[PennyPanic 276]

You've been through some serious Shiznit @mollyfin but you're strong and you got this and we're all here holding you and your wife up. You may not feel it, you may feel utterly alone, but you're not. Some times we just have to take things hour by hour...even minute by minute to get through to the other side. Please continue to keep us posted. Hugs.

[Nutmegbella 91]

I understand the worry you are going through. Sometimes I get so anxious I wish I can sleep until the day the results are in and not have to spend a week worrying. I try to stick to what my therapist told me to do in these types of situations, which is: think about the possible outcomes and prepare plansfor them. BUT you can only give yourself 10 minutes to think about in the whole day. Those ten minutes are set only for this. Once those tens minutes are up you have to deflect the thoughts. (This is where i fail). I hope this helps. 

I hope and wish for you guys to get results in your favor. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.  

 

[mollyfin 366]

Thanks guys ❤️  the support is so appreciated.  She had her ultrasound today and it seemed to go normally, anyway.  At one point she asked if the tech saw anything terrifying and she said "No, just boring" so hopefully that held true for the entire thing.  I tried to subtly ask how soon into the scan she asked that so I knew how much I could relax, but alas, she didn't take the bait.  Oh well, I'll take partially boring over nothing.  She gets results of everything on Tuesday so I just have to hang in there.  (And, I mean, her too, but she's pretty chill about it.)  

And tbh we've had times when I wasn't sure our relationship would survive - but I've always known I'd do anything to keep it alive.  She's my best friend.  And she appreciates all your prayers ❤️   

[mollyfin 366]

We get all the results tomorrow.  Ugh.  I hate this.

[Sunnydays 9]

Praying for good results! Waiting is the worst.

[AndrewF 37]

My aunt, 63 and with no children, had ovarian cancer.  That's a much more typical age.  She had clotting in her lungs.  Anyway, they went in and removed it surgically and that was it.  Well, not quite "it", she had like 2 more surgeries just to close up some bleeders that they somehow missed, around her digestive tract.  But that was like 5 years ago and they got it all, it was just removed.  

What I find fascinating is that, if one has a gene mutation, even after removing the organs, you can still get the disease.  I still dont understand how that is possible.  ?!?!

[mollyfin 366]

Still no real news.  Genetic testing was thankfully negative.  She has a uterine polyp that needs removing.  She could have a complex ovarian cyst or she could have ovarian cancer.  Further scans and meeting with a surgeon are forthcoming.  She won't tell me anything else because my worrying bothers her, so I don't get to know what the odds are or what to prepare myself for.  Right now I feel like telling her if she wants to do this alone, fine, she can, I'm gone, I'm done.  But I know I'll regret it immediately if I do.   But I'm still angry that I can't get a realistic picture of what's expected to be found and what may happen when I have a fucking future to plan too.  Whatever.  I'm not angry at her.  I'm just angry that this is happening.  But they feel pretty similar right now.

Andrew, I agree, I really don't understand that either.  I guess because there's always some tissue that remains with a lot of things, but ovaries seem like they'd be easy to remove fully since they're not attached to much.   If I ever get a chance to ask a surgeon I'll try to remember to bring it up, because I've wondered about that myself. 

[PennyPanic 276]

Well some encouraging news that the genetic test came out good. Hang in there and keep us posted.

[mollyfin 366]

Yeah, that's good news.  I'm actually surprised, since breast cancer is so rampant on her dad's side of the family, including male breast cancer.  But it's one less thing to worry about.  

[NervUs 140]

That stinks, Molly, that she is secretive. My hubby and I have had many rows over HA. My HA is now under wraps and we are in a good place, but I often wonder if all that history will come back to bite us if/when a real health issue arises. I have often thought we wouldn't make it or be what we needed each other to be if cancer shizz ever hit that fan, just because HA shows we react to things SO differently (I have had 5 LEGIT-ish cancer scares, as in recommended for biopsies and things, and always benign).

I guess the best you can do is respect her process and be there when she wants you to be. Hopefully she will not need you bc her health will be fine. Hang in there.

[mollyfin 366]

Yeah, nothing I can do but grit my teeth, try to stay calm and remember that the outcome is going to be the same regardless of what information I have.  We just react to these things very differently; other people worrying about her makes her feel like there's something to worry about; people being blase about my health scares (the actual ones, at least; I get why they're tired of the HA ones) makes me feel like no one cares about them.  

I really hate the thought of being blindsided by bad news, but I guess being prepared for it won't really make it less bad if/when it gets here.

[mollyfin 366]

She meets with the oncologist tomorrow.  Regular doc still doesn't think cyst is cancer but wants to be certain.  Also a polyp that needs out.  If it were anyone else I'd be mildly concerned.  But obviously losing my mind, though trying to act calm.  At least there'll be more answers tomorrow, I'm just scared of what they might be. 

[Sunnydays 9]

Sometimes acting calm is all we can manage. So understandable!

Let us know what you find out. Praying for good results! 

[lofwyr 215]

Fishmanpa on the other forum has an absolutely wonderful, simple phrase about potential cancer. "It isn't cancer until it is." Do your best not to catastrophize (easier said than done, I know) and best of luck with the appointments. 

[mollyfin 366]

That's good advice.  I'm trying to keep my head - hell, if it were ME in this position I wouldn't be worrying half as much; I know the odds of ovarian cancer in someone her age with no family history or other genetic predisposition are slim.  Problem is, once you've known someone who lost with those odds, it just seems way too possible.  Or, I mean, you don't really have to have been in that position, really, but it doesn't help.  The polyp is the thing that definitely needs to come out and she HAS risk factors for endometrial cancer, so you'd think I'd be fretting about that, but ovarian cancer is one of those things that really sets me off.