lonely

[min 0]

i'm felt so exhausted lately. i'm stressed from university, i'm anxious because i live with my overbearing gaslighting mother, and feel like my life is getting more and more dull. i had a really good friend for a while, let's call her M, and M and i were really close. we would hang out all the time, go get lunch, send memes and texts everyday when we were bored in our classes and were always hanging out. M is the first friend i've had in my life who was a real friend, not just someone who played nice with me because i was lonely enough to do whatever they said as long as i could sit with them at lunch. for the first time, in a really long time, i felt good. i had a job i liked, i was finally going back to school after taking a semester off for personal reasons, i was getting better after seven long years of not being ok. a few months ago M got a boyfriend. nothing really changed at first, M and i still hung out all the time and texted. but over the past three weeks M and i have barely spoken. it'll be days before she responds to a message and when she does it's with one word answers, and we haven't hung out in over two months. is it clingy and stupid of me to feel hurt by this?

because M and i have stopped hanging out less, i've been forced to spend more time at my own house and it's taking it's toll on me. i don't know if it's a fact or not but i feel like a kid can always tell when their parent has given up on them. even from a young age. when you find your drawings in the trash instead of on the fridge next to your sibling's, when you ideas and wants are brushed off like dirt, when they stop saying i love you because they mean it and instead because they don't want to be a parent that doesn't say it. it's easy to tell for me. when i'm four miles from home on campus at 6 pm and i ask for a ride on her way home from work and the response i get is 'i love you but your problems aren't my problems and i'm focusing on other things right now.' 

it's easy to tell because when i bring things up, "hey let's watch this new movie that's coming out next week together! i think you'll like it and it's been a while since we've done anything!" it's easy to tell how little you mean when you get home and ask where she is and get a text that says 'decided to go see this new movie, figure out dinner yourself.' 

it's in the little things, like re-ordering food you've been allergic to your whole life and saying 'since when?' and the dismissive hand wave when you tell them you accomplished something you're proud of. every time it happens it hurts just a little more until you feel like a stranger to your own mother who still forces you into hugs and saying 'i love you' back when you know she doesn't give a damn about anything other than herself. and the one day you wake up and you hear her talking in the background to your step father who you've never been close to and you're standing in the kitchen and staring out the window and realize how unimportant you are in your own life and you suddenly feel so so lonely you feel so fucking lonely that you want to cry but youre too tired to cry and youre tired of crying and youre tired of being tired but you're so lonely that you cant even sleep and youre so touch starved that you would probably cry if anyone hugged you and you have no one to talk to because you know no one really cares so you end up typing out the way you feel online to a website of people with better things to do than read your pitiful cry for help and attention because god youre just so fucking lonely and stupid and you want to cry and you dont want to die- you know you don't because you know what that feels like- you've felt it before- and that's not how you feel now. right now you want to live. you want to live so fucking bad it hurts because the more you look at it the more you realize you're not even living you're just going through the motions of breathing, eating, going to class...and it feels like its never going to end

[jonathan123 2367]

Hi min. Welcome to AC. .

It's difficult to reply when I don't know you age or gender. Gender does matter because your response to situations such as yours would be different if you are boy or girl. You talk about school so you are probably young. Can I ask you if you think you are seeing everything in black and white? Because people don't respond as you want them to you condemn them. People have their own personal problems and emotions. We never know what is going on in another's mind unless they choose to tell us.  To obtain love you have to give it. If it's rejected it doesn't matter. You GAVE it, that's what's important.

until you feel like a stranger to your own mother who still forces you into hugs and saying 'i love you' back when you know she doesn't give a damn about anything other than herself.

But how do you know that? At the moment you feel neglected. Your best friend 'M' has gone off with another friend. You feel abandoned, lost. Rejection is a very powerful negative emotion and can wreak havoc in your life if you allow it to happen. You are young enough to get out there and make new friends. You are feeling so sorry for yourself at the moment but you should try not to despair or give up.  When we think things can't get worse they often turn around for the better. There's not a lot I can say. On your profile where it asks your gender you put 'not telling'. That says a lot to me. Are you rebellious? It sounds as if you are blaming everyone but yourself. Sorry, but you came here for help and as a retired counsellor it's the advice I would give anyone your age.

We go through stages in life, all of us do. When young we can be up and down day by day. If you are a girl your cycle could be a lot to do with it. Things do level off as we get older, but we have a choice. We learn the hard or easy way. The hard way is to fight your way through. This antagonizes other people and pushes them away from you. Or you can give love and kindness even to those you may think have no time for you. The latter way is hard. It's easy to be nice to those who are nice to you. Difficult to those who are not. Please come back and vent whenever you want.