Having a very rough time

[Gilly 1086]

As many of you know my husband passed away last May. He was my everything, my rock.

Over the last 9 and a half months I have managed, coped. I've had awful dark days and some where I have felt accomplished. It's a journey I never wanted to be on but here I am. I tend to keep quiet when I have a bad patch, only telling those closets and dearest, generally my husband!

I have only had maybe a handful of panic attacks since he passed, and they happened, and went and were far and few between. 

It's been very stressful at times but I have plodded on. The last few weeks maybe the stress has accumulated idk, but I had a doozie of a panic attack last Wednesday and it's never really left. I have extreme high anxiety and burning skin, trembling and muscle spasms. I feel like someone has their hands around my throat and is squeezing the breathe out of me. 

This is what happened to me after my Mum had her stroke in 09. 

I'm scared I will have a total breakdown. The old me knows this won't happen, but the new me is having to rewrite her rules. It's all different without my husband by my side. Everything I did before, is not the same anymore. I beg him to help me, but there is no physical presence to give me comfort and strength. I become consumed by the fact he is not here now so maybe I won't cope this time, maybe this WILL be what breaks me. 

All these thoughts run through my mind. I don't have my husband now, I'm alone. My cats need me, my Mum needs me. I think I know what is happening, I think this is grief. I cry and cry because I just want my husband to hold me and make me feel safe again. I hurt and burn and GAH. I decided to come lay the cards on the table. I have an apt with my doctor next Monday, I'm hanging on for that. I took an amitriptyline last night. She prescribed me them to help me sleep last year and for TMJ pain, but as I didn't have any pain anymore I stopped taking them about 7 weeks ago. She said to take them as needed for TMJ flare ups, I was that tense eating anything was hurting. I hope they will help with the anx too, fingers crossed cos this is hell  

I feel like a failure, I have succumbed to the devil. 

[Pinky92 44]

Oh, Gilly. It certainly doesn't get much harder than this, does it? I suffer from panic attacks too and some seem to include long "hangovers". I believe you are still deep in your grief, and it's a fresh wave that's descended upon you.  I can't begin to know that kind of pain; my husband is my rock and there are times when I actually have anticipatory grief at the thought of losing him. Losing my mother was bad enuf. It's good that you're going to the doctor, there comes a time when we need help and it sounds like it's time for you. Take the meds too, that and time will see you thru, once again. And you are NOT a failure; we are human and sometimes the pain overwhelms us. Keep praying, I will pray for you. Be kind to yourself, dear one. Big, big, strong hugs.

[Ihadcancer 321]

Oh Precious, precious Gilly.  There is no way I could say I understand what you're going through.  It's something I fear almost daily, being as close to my Jim as you were to your beloved husband.  I wonder how I'll even manage to breathe if or when I lose him. 

You're such a blessing to us, Gilly.  I wish I could just come and sit with you and let you tell me stories of you and him together.  Happy times before he got sick.  

I believe the body dies but the soul/ spirit lives on.  You can FEEL him.  He lives on in you because the two of you became one and as long as you live, he'll live within you.  Find comfort in that.  

I know you aren't a religious person, but I am, and MY best is not to send flowers or send thoughts but to PRAY for you to find relief from this panic and grief and to feel strong arms holding you up.  I think you'll understand that I'm not trying to push my beliefs on you, but give comfort to you from the best part of me.  

I'm going to pray right now and each time you come to mind for you.  If there's anything I can ever do to help, just speak the word. 

Lovingly, 

Diane

 

[Gilly 1086]

Thank you ladies. I wish we could all sit and have a talk and a cup of tea. I know it would help. Thank you for the kind words and the prayers. 

Diane, I realised a few months ago I've spent the majority of my life playing devils advocate about religion and god. I have never been one to dismiss anothers beliefs, I have always been on the fence so to speak. I have even been jealous of others and their faith. I was Christened and brought up Church of England, and went to a C of E school. My nanna went to church regularly but my parents did not. I have a very clear memory of freaking out when I was about 6 years old. After making a paper mache replica of the solar system for a school project. I was SO confused about what I had been taught in school. My dad told me just be a good person, treat others as you would like to be treated and don't worry too much about anything else. So I guess that is what I did. 

I've opened my mind and realised a lot the last few months, experienced a lot. I have felt my husband come to me, I physically felt him. It took me 2 weeks to stop freaking out about that haha, and my doctor to tell me not to question myself for me to really believe it, despite the fact I KNOW it was real. It was the day before my birthday, I was having a bad time, I demanded very firmly that he let me know he was ok. I woke up the next morning and thought it was all a bad dream as he was snuggled up behind me with his arm around me. It happened very fast and I know 100% I was awake, I reached to his arm but it faded away. I laid there for 2 hours contemplating what had just happened. 

I asked him for a sign again today, then took myself off for a walk to Aldi. I put my computer in sleep mode and when I got back and 'woke' it up the background image was a picture of space and a bright shining star next to my windows account photo of me. The images rotate randomly but I had not seen this one before. Joy refers to Stephen as 'Starman' because he was a scifi nerd, comic book artist and huge Star Wars and David Bowie fan.

I think I got my sign! 

[MsLLL 413]

Dear Gilly! 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't even begin to comprehend what his loss must be like in your everyday life. It sounds like you were trying to go step-by-step in your daily life but the thought of him never coming back is too much. Understandably so. He does live on, alongside with you but of course it's too hard when the reality hits of him not being there like you need and want him to. But, you can do it, Gilly! You can take step by step and just keep moving and for now maybe 'existing'. There will be other days, where you still feel the same love for him but it will be easier to accept he was taken away from you prematurely. But let's not get into that for now, let's stay with the now. You will not have another breakdown, Gilly! You are scared because this is such an all consuming, intimate grief that holds you in it's grip (for now). But you are on here, sharing, hoping for help/better days. That is a very good thing! You are opening up to people around you and you are not alone. None of us have the perfect remedy, since that doesn't exist. But we will always be there to listen and try our best to help sooth you a little, tiny bit! 

And you are not a failure at all! You are a strong person who is so very hurt right now, and can't currently find any strength, any beauty, anything to lean on. That is because grief is all consuming! You  have not succumbed to the devil! You feel like you are in hell because grief and anxiety have put you there, and they would like for you to stay there (and I don't mean that in a religious context) . You won't stay there!!!! I know this for sure! If I may say this: I'm so proud of you for sharing on here and asking for help and I know your husband is too! No one can ever completely take him away from you, Gilly although he is not there anymore as a physical person. No one! 

Grief just doesn't cause mental pain but physical pain, much like depression and anxiety. When we already suffer from PTSD/Anxiety/CD and grief is added, it can easily feel like this is the final overkill. Some people even wish for that because the longing for the other person is so strong and life without them seems unbearable. That is to be expected (unfortunately) but temporarily. You will miss your husband permanently, that's the bad thing about losing a loved one, it leaves a hole in us. But your current situation is temporarily. It might take months, years...no one knows. And that's the difference; Right now you feel like this and you can't imagine for it to ever change... but it will, one day. 

Two more things: There is a study in regard to trauma and medication:  that we shouldn't use medication to numb trauma that we'd JUST experienced in order not to suppress our memories, emotions etc, and to be able to access them at a later, more appropriate time. You have not used medication going through this for a long time now, and I'm not trying to be in your personal business but maybe now is a good time to discuss with the doctor to be put on something 'light' you can take daily, maybe just to see how you like it. If not and it doesn't make a difference you can always discuss with your MD to quit. Not trying to push meds on you but the thought just came to me because it's been almost a year since your loss and that study kept popping up in my head for some reason. 

The other thing: I want to tell you about is a neat book on dying and grief. Sounds so cynical, you are probably reading this thinking: This MLLL doesn't get nothing! How in the world can she put neat, dying and grief in the same sentence?! Well, this book explains what happens (might happen) to people after death (in a non religious context). It's written by a person dear to my heart, I will look for it on my bookshelf and post it later. 

(I hope I didn't cause you any stress or worry by this post. It's not my intention but sometimes I have a hard time putting into words what I would like to bring across). 

 

[Pinky92 44]

Gilly, I'm a  big Bowie fan too. Still hurting over that one. I believe A lot of us have a hard time with "religion". It is, after all, a set of rules, no matter the particular "brand". They are important, yes, but they do not equal "faith". I would certainly never push my beliefs on anyone; it's not necessary. Reading your post about your husband, it sounds to me that your heart believes what cannot be seen, and that is the definition of faith. Maybe you have a lot more faith than you know. I won't say too much more on the subject; I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

[Gilly 1086]

MissLLL 

I'm crying again but not bad tears, tears because you took the time to write what is absolutely how I feel. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I agree about the medication. I'll talk to my doctor about it on Monday.

Pinky, I think you are totally correct. I think over the years I may have interpreted it as something else. 

[Gilly 1086]

I just want to thank you all again, you all made me feel much better. That you are here for me and will listen.

I'm stubborn as a mule. I expect a post from Jon giving me a telling off.

Just because I am the boss doesn't mean I am not exactly like everyone else, and it doesn't mean I won't have times I need to open up and acknowledge I need help with it. 

I could have said something sooner but typical of me I denied it and tried the nut up method. I had people tell me I was brave and strong since I was a kid, I think even though I may be, I developed a belief that I have to appear brave and strong and can't let my mask slip or I will crumble and give up. 

I'm 45, I've endured a lot and I still haven't given up. Wth is wrong with me? LOL

[MsLLL 413]

I was thinking about AC's own Yoda several times throughout the day. I wished for him to come on here to 'set us all straight'  Even contemplated if I should lure him into the conversation with a PM but didn't. The good girl I am. lol

When you said Thank you earlier, it made me happy and grateful that we are all there for another, no woman is an island! @ bosslady:-)  And I was super close to reply to you by saying :'Oh no, no need to thank me, Gilly' It's the law of attraction, it's physics, right Mr. Jon? 

On a serious note, glad we could all listen to you and be a little helpful. Wonderful you will have a conversation with your doctor and explore your options! 

And I cannot find that book, it bugs me, I think I gave it it to someone who needed it. The other book that comes to mind by (David Kessler) and Elisabeth Kubler Ross; On grief and grieving. Not sure if that's the UK title, since publishers change titles for different countries, even if it's in English. Maybe you can google and pick something that speaks to you...

[Gilly 1086]

I watched the breathing video lonesailor shared last night and after it had finished I felt a little better so continued to do the exercise, and found myself watching the video that followed too. When the guy touched on grief it felt like he was speaking to me. He mentions a CEO with panic, whose attacks started 6 months earlier, of course he asked what happened 6 months ago? The CEO's brother had died. He said after doing breathing exercises many people cry, and as he was saying that I found myself bawling my eyes out, the real gut wrenching kind of crying. It felt like a revelation. I realised I've been caught up keeping myself busy, staying up too late sleuthing, hours a day. Drinking too much coffee, and suppressing my grief. I understand it is something you cannot force, what the man in this video says makes a lot of sense. I don't feel as good as I did still, of course but I woke today with less anxiety than the last few days, I feel a little calmer and I just went for a 2 mile walk in the sunshine which was lovely. 

 

[Ihadcancer 321]

I'm so glad Gilly.  That video has really helped me and I shared it with some friends who would never go on a forum for anxiety.  

It's too cold to go out for a walk here, but the sun is bright and the sky is so blue!  

Big hugs,

Diane

[MsLLL 413]

Good news, Gilly! 

[JOYCICLE 654]

Gilly is the original!  Nobody like you and we're blessed to know you

[Gilly 1086]

23 minutes ago, JOYCICLE said:

Gilly is the original!  Nobody like you and we're blessed to know you

Right back at ya! 

[MARC 431]

Any loss is difficult. In a years time from 2012 to 2013, my mother, father and uncle all passed away and it was no fun to deal with. 

[Gilly 1086]

6 minutes ago, MARC said:

Any loss is difficult. In a years time from 2012 to 2013, my mother, father and uncle all passed away and it was no fun to deal with. 

Yes it is, so sorry for your losses MARC

[MARC 431]

My wife had an older sister that passed away at the age of 5 many years ago of a brain tumor. Her mother was never the same afterwards. 

[MARC 431]

Losing a spouse is terrible and I really feel bad for you. I wish their was something I could say to make you feel better, but I really can't. 

[MsLLL 413]

Dear Gilly!

Today is Monday and it's your doctor's appointment. Hoping all goes well! 

[jonathan123 2368]

Gilly is the original!  Nobody like you and we're blessed to know you

Yes Joy. I second that!!! .

[Gilly 1086]

Aww you guys <3

Just got home from my apt, you remembered MLLL!! Low ferritin but everything else is fine. I have some lovely iron tablets and have to go back in a month. My doc was running over an hour behind so I didn't get to talk too much about my anxiety, I did tell her it flared up and she told me off, no coffee and no more super late nights she said.

I am feeling a lot better, if it becomes more frequent I can talk to her in a month as she told me to make a double apt so we have more time.

[jonathan123 2368]

GREAT!!! With all that iron I do hope you don't become 'The Iron Lady'!! You know who I mean.. If you finish up like her then god help us all!!!!

[MsLLL 413]

That sounds wonderful Gilly! It's so important to have people/doctors in our lives we can trust and talk to! No more coffee and late nights, huh?! That might be tough, I usually only drink coffee in the mornings but have found myself nursing on a cup throughout the day. That's why I bought fresh mint today to make a good tea. Hopefully that will do the trick. 

I'm so glad you feel a lot better!

 

[MsLLL 413]

and I'm guessing the iron lady referred to here, is Mrs. Thatcher....

[Gilly 1086]

4 hours ago, jonathan123 said:

GREAT!!! With all that iron I do hope you don't become 'The Iron Lady'!! You know who I mean.. If you finish up like her then god help us all!!!!

Oh don't you worry Jon, *shudders* at the thought lol