If you could.......... would you? (off beat question)

[Ihadcancer 321]

I saw an article last week where scientists are close to being able to make us forget 'bad things' we don't like to remember. 

If you could have a safe procedure that would cause you to completely and forever forget your trauma, would you?

I would love to forget about having cancer and never worry about it again.  In my case, I'd have to be reminded why I have to have tests every 6 months, but boy it would sure remove the lack of interest and worry about my future!  

What about you?  

[Mark G 1187]

Yes, I heard of this the other day and it's very interesting.  It would be great to remove bad memories.  I had EMDR treatment which has helped with past memories so the processes can work so who knows.

[MsLLL 413]

I think it's human and natural to wish to forget terrible events in life that causes us trauma, especially things like cancer, abuse, terrors of war and so forth. 

But I know too, that as humans we grow and learn from the things we experience. This is a tough question I need to ponder on. 

I've heard a well- known anxiety 'scientist' speak on anxiety, and he said as humans we are naturally inclined for negative memories to have a much stronger impact on us, and in order to replace one 'negative' experience we need to have 100 positive experiences.... I'm not sure what to make of that. It sounds tempting but I guess at the end of the day I believe all our experiences make us, and to accept that and live. And I find that to be the hard part. 

It's all interesting to me and I would like to hear everyones thoughts and exchange of ideas. Always a good thing

[Mark G 1187]

Yes I must admit I agree with that.  Who we are, our personality and everything is forged from our experience good and bad.

[Ihadcancer 321]

MissLLL, 

But when we live with PTSD, do we open ourselves up to as many happy and positive experiences?    I know that when I hear 'no cancer' at a bi yearly exam, instead of extreme joy, I feel like I lost 100 lbs but even the things I've loved to do most of my life no longer bring me the same joy.  I buy books. I have been known to read a novel in one day.  I buy them and dust them, but never read even my favorite authors.  I have a huge bin of yarn.  While watching TV, I used to knit scarves and donate them each fall to the different shelters. This year, I made 5. FIVE instead of 100 or more.  I plant bushes and they die from lack of me watering them during our droughts. My husband will remember to feed the fish in my pond. The pond where I used to sit and watch the fish for hours.  

The desire to enjoy these things is buried somewhere deep inside me, or maybe it's habit. 

I've lost my joy in the little things.   And yet....... my gym instructor told me last week that I'm the happiest person he's ever met.

[MsLLL 413]

Yes, you are right about that. some experiences are so tough on us we long to be the person we used to be. But there is no going back, is there? I'm sorry I don't have answers either... 

I'm glad your husband is filling in for you when you are not able to! It sounds like you guys really compliment each other. And I know what you are saying by what you stated about your gym instructor, this doctor told me "Look at the ray of sunshine coming in my office!" Meanwhile I was shaking and trembling internally and thought, I wish this guy could really 'see'. 

P.S.: You've made 5 more scarves than me:-) Good to have you on here, enjoying your posts and learning from them! 

I appreciate you! 

[Ihadcancer 321]

You're so sweet! Thank you! 
My Jim is awesome.  He got a taste of my anxiety when 3 doctors thought he had subungual melanoma (under the nail) and one told him since it had been growing for 2 years, he probably had 6 months to live.  It was a bleeder where his nail had lifted from the bed!  Not cancer!  It's hard, tho, because he knows the before cancer and the after cancer Diane.  I was such an optimist and always, always smiling until after the liver resection.  I couldn't take pain pills due to a reaction and healing from that was HORRIBLE. That's when my anxiety came roaring......... 

Thanks again precious! 

Diane

[jonathan123 2368]

BOY!!!  If ever there was a loaded question it's that one. But my answer is an emphatic NO!!! Now, obviously, I can only speak from my own experience, but I would not have not wanted two years of misery. Ridiculous? Hang in there! Before my GAD I was a conceited, self opinionated and couldn't care less individual. Everyone was wrong but me. I knew how to put the world right in one easy lesson, and any one else's opinion was worthless. YES!! That was me. I know it now but didn't know it then. Without the GAD I would not be on here now.

Now what I really needed was a good kick up the backside, and did I get it!!! .  I sure did in the form of GAD. Badly! How would I have seen all my shortcomings without that experience? How would you know happiness unless you know misery? Whether we like it or not we are stuck with it, as Miss LLL says, but that's no bad thing, unless we make it so. If we can treat anxiety as a teaching experience and not as a kind of punishment we are half way home. It's a journey into the unknown, which is always frightening, more so because it's a journey into ourselves. With the aid of a good counsellor or therapist the journey, though painful at times, can safely be undertaken.

In my considerable experience I have rarely seen an anxious person who did not emerge from their anxiety a better person. So much more considerate and understanding. It's as if God, (yes, Diane!!!) is saying, 'This guy needs a good lesson in manners, so we will do this for his own good'. In my view this is what suffering is about. It's redemptive qualities far outweigh its negative ones, IF we go about it in the right way and stop regarding it as 'the enemy'. God only knows, it's damn painful, and any relief we can get is welcome, but it needs to be constructive relief, not medication which is just Band Aid.

I still have down times and am likely to do so for the rest of my life, I can cope but I have found out something interesting. They always coincide with something that is not right in my behaviour, whether it be in thought or action. It's a kind of early warning system. Stop doing it now or else.............!!! No, leave things as they are but learn from the fear and anxiety. It's life's way of telling you something is wrong. Listen to it, ask questions of it, but don't ignore it.

"Out of evil much good has come to me. By keeping quiet and repressing nothing; remaining attentive and, hand in hand with that, by accepting reality - taking things as they come and not as I wanted them to be -  by doing all this rare knowledge has come to me and rare powers as well such as I could never have imagined before. I always thought that when we accept things they overpower us in one way or another. Now this is not true at all, and it is only by accepting them that we can define our attitude toward them.  So now I play  the game of life, being receptive to whatever comes to me, good and bad, sun or shadow that are forever shifting. And in this way accepting my own nature with its positive and negative sides. Thus everything becomes more alive to me.  What a fool I was. How I tried  to force everything to go according to my ideas"

From a letter to Carl Jung from a patient.. 

 

 

 

 

[Ihadcancer 321]

Wow, Jon! That's deep! 

I am still torn.  I want to enjoy the little things again and I do mean little things. I remember when I was planting bushes in Connecticut back in the 1990's and would dig into that rich black earth and the smell was just so wonderful and amazing to me.  I'd be down on the ground saving earthworms from my shovel and see the ants and think how I was looking down on these minute busy creatures as God was looking down on me.  I AM better, the last 3 years, than I was the 2 years after my liver resection. 

TMI for some people so beware.

I'll tell you something I've only told a very few people.  I was in ICU and on morphine for several days. I don't know how long. I have amnesia of the time period from when my preacher was praying over me in the intake room to my whole family standing at the end of my bed when I'd been moved to a regular room.  Even after that, it's sketchy.  They removed the morphine and put me on something else and since they didn't have a private room right then, Jim was told a patient was being admitted and he couldn't stay with me that night.  It took me almost 2 years to realize that what I thought had occurred that night was all hallucinations from the morphine withdrawal.  Noises became nurses and doctors performing illegal operations in the bed next to me (the woman never checked in so the bed was empty).  Cries in the hall were them experimenting on women. The aide watching the TV in my room middle of the night became them sending flashing messages to ambulances four floors below that a body would be coming down in the service elevator across from my door. I woke to my gown soaked in blood and another liquid (bile?) and when I called for the RN,  was told it was the doctor's fault because he'd not closed the area around the drainage tube well enough.  They left me all night in that blood and I covered my head thinking they'd realized I was on to them and I'd be the next to die.  

I believed that and more for 2 years while I went over it and over it in my head. The 'head of housekeeping' who came into my room was a man in a very expensive suit and lavender shirt/ purple tie and he told me to lay down and go back to sleep. They were just cleaning the other bed.  

Then I finally went home and the pain killers caused anorexia so I was taken off everything (remember, they removed 80% of my liver).  Rib spreaders.  Sternum cut. Wanna talk PAIN?  Our daughter cared for me for 5 weeks until I could move my arms to put on a shirt or wipe my own bottom. She flew home the day they removed the drainage bulb and 27 staples.  I was home alone after that.

I really, really want to forget all this because the day she left, the anxiety came to live in me. 

Diane

[jonathan123 2368]

My goodness Diane, you sure have had your share of physical suffering, but it does show what a strong lady you must be, not just physically but mentally. But I was not talking about the kind of physical suffering you went through. I would sure want to forget that!! No, it was the learning experience gained from mental suffering in the form of anxiety. There is a vast difference between being concerned for someone and being anxious all the time over imaginary disorders. No matter how bad the physical suffering at least there is some action that can be taken even if only pain relief. But in anxiety it's like a miasma that you can't do anything about or break through. Medication, yeah, fine for short term relief, but we eventually realise that it will never cure anxiety, just gives us time to assess the situation and, hopefully, do something about it.

It is said that many anxiety sufferers would rather have a physical illness than anxiety because medication or surgery can usually put it right, but anxiety is a will-o-the wisp disorder. You can't get a hold on it. The more you struggle with it the worse it gets. Frustration is so frustrating!!!

You think you have begun to get a hold on it then something comes along and wham!!, we are back on the old merry-go-round again.  But Diane, is it any wonder you have anxiety, which is more like PTSD, after the experiences you had. God, who wouldn't feel upset and anxious!! I sincerely wish you well because you have shared so much since you began to post on here and you deserve a break in your life. But with your abiding faith the future should hold no threats for you. What will be will be. The words of Christ in the garden before His crucifixion  come to mind. "Not my will but Thine". We have to learn to 'go with the flow'; 'bend with the wind' and cease resisting life and it's ups and downs, which will always be with us.

 

 

[MsLLL 413]

I don't know John, this is in response to your earlier post. I have a hard time believing you were a conceited, couldn't care less, only your opinion counts-type of person but I have to take your word for it. Because only you can know who you were and who you are now! I think it's called the journey of life and we are all here to learn our individual lessons. I was a good person prior to anxiety. I felt great compassion for other humans, animals and life around me. My friends still tell me:"You were one of the strongest women we knew, so sad to see what anxiety has done to you!. Now let me explain, I used to be a good listener, was always there for friends and family. People would seek my advice. I was always careful giving it because I believe in the power of listening and the person finding there own way.... In our core we know what's right for us... but anxiety makes it a very tough challenge to tap into the inner wisdom. It's like the entry way is blocked and it's so hard, and so much work to find a way in. The old way is gone, I had to take a detour and dig in small, new paths and I'm not there yet. Certainly not. 

Anxiety left me barely functioning, there was nothing left for others! When family or friends spent time with me, for the first time ever, I was short and selfish! How can they want something from me?! All I want is to talk about me, me, me....(the bewildered state). Now, how can that be a good thing? It's not, it's part of a disease. I have a mental disease called anxiety and it takes up so much place in my life that I miss out on the things I used to enjoy! People used to tell me: Oh, you are smart, pretty, have this and that ability. What good is it if I don't feel like that?! Now that's my personal journey. It's about self acceptance (no matter what the personal obstacle might be) and I strongly believe it's individual for all of us!) . It's taking the good and the bad and everything in between and making peace with yourself! And I agree, that I have more insight/understanding/empathy for people who suffer from anxiety or any other mental disease but that's about it. I don't think I need to get every disease in the world to feel compassion. To really understand yes, but what good does that do? How can I be of help if I can't help myself?! And here comes tmi, just to illustrate the difference: I used to walk into a room full of politicians and law-makers to give presentations with my colleagues, now I sit at home wondering if I can make it to the gym! How is that a good thing?! 

My personal opinion is reflected in this post, it's not meant to criticize or lecture anyone out there. In the end only we know who we truly are and what we need. 

P.S.: I really enjoyed the letter from Jung's patient. Now that speaks to me so much! Thanks for sharing! 

 

[MsLLL 413]

Dear Diane! I'm sorry you went through all that! Sending you a big cyber hug! 

P.S.: Some people react sensitive to morphine, years ago I had surgery and pushed the morphine IV..just to have tanks appear at the hospital window aiming at me

I stopped pushing the IV and roughed it through the pain (which would have been impossible for you since you were in ICU and doctors administered drugs) but last surgery I had I said: No morphine please!

Have a blessed day everyone! 

[Gilly 1086]

13 hours ago, Ihadcancer said:

Wow, Jon! That's deep! 

I am still torn.  I want to enjoy the little things again and I do mean little things. I remember when I was planting bushes in Connecticut back in the 1990's and would dig into that rich black earth and the smell was just so wonderful and amazing to me.  I'd be down on the ground saving earthworms from my shovel and see the ants and think how I was looking down on these minute busy creatures as God was looking down on me.  I AM better, the last 3 years, than I was the 2 years after my liver resection. 

TMI for some people so beware.

I'll tell you something I've only told a very few people.  I was in ICU and on morphine for several days. I don't know how long. I have amnesia of the time period from when my preacher was praying over me in the intake room to my whole family standing at the end of my bed when I'd been moved to a regular room.  Even after that, it's sketchy.  They removed the morphine and put me on something else and since they didn't have a private room right then, Jim was told a patient was being admitted and he couldn't stay with me that night.  It took me almost 2 years to realize that what I thought had occurred that night was all hallucinations from the morphine withdrawal.  Noises became nurses and doctors performing illegal operations in the bed next to me (the woman never checked in so the bed was empty).  Cries in the hall were them experimenting on women. The aide watching the TV in my room middle of the night became them sending flashing messages to ambulances four floors below that a body would be coming down in the service elevator across from my door. I woke to my gown soaked in blood and another liquid (bile?) and when I called for the RN,  was told it was the doctor's fault because he'd not closed the area around the drainage tube well enough.  They left me all night in that blood and I covered my head thinking they'd realized I was on to them and I'd be the next to die.  

I believed that and more for 2 years while I went over it and over it in my head. The 'head of housekeeping' who came into my room was a man in a very expensive suit and lavender shirt/ purple tie and he told me to lay down and go back to sleep. They were just cleaning the other bed.  

Then I finally went home and the pain killers caused anorexia so I was taken off everything (remember, they removed 80% of my liver).  Rib spreaders.  Sternum cut. Wanna talk PAIN?  Our daughter cared for me for 5 weeks until I could move my arms to put on a shirt or wipe my own bottom. She flew home the day they removed the drainage bulb and 27 staples.  I was home alone after that.

I really, really want to forget all this because the day she left, the anxiety came to live in me. 

Diane

 

Is it any wonder we have PTSD? I'm pretty sure I have written about my experiences on here a few times but I can really relate Diane.

There are so many things I have been through that yes, some I don't even allow myself to remember. Some things you can never forget.

My surgeon was fantastic, both times I had surgery for my ileostomy I had an epidural as well as a morphine drip, I couldn't feel anything below the rib cage, but the first time I had been allowed to move from liquids to eating soft foods. I did ok for a day or so then started vomiting feces... grim. I had developed a blockage and had to be aspirated there on the hospital bed. I was fully conscious.

A few years later I had gotten sick again, one night I went to change my appliance (my bag) and noticed a tiny spot of blood on my skin that within a couple of minutes was a hole the size of a penny, within a couple of weeks it was 2 inches in diameter. My bowel had created a new exit, I had a 2 inch fistula on my stomach. I had to live with it for 5 months until I was able to have surgery to repair it and remove the diseased bowel. I was on high doses of antibiotics to clear up infection and prevent it from coming back.

The once I did have the surgery, I woke too early in recovery before they has administered pain relief and before the epidural had been fitted. All I remember is feeling like volcanic lava was erupting from my insides, and shaking violently. They wrapped me in foil and turned me on my side and I have no memory of anything else. The woman I was in a room with for a week constantly screamed and cried that the oxygen they had her on was poison, and the doctors were trying to kill her. 

That last one was 2002, at that point it was 20 years since I was diagnosed, I had just turned 12 when I first got sick and was diagnosed with Crohns. I'd been through a lot and experienced a lot but that year, that surgery, that stay in hospital.. I VOWED I was never going to get sick again and never have to go into hospital again. I know that is not something I can control but believe me I was going to try lol

Hello anxiety.

My anxiety reared its ugly head in 1997, shortly after my nanna died, the week before I had my colon removed. I didn't know at the time that is what it was, I recovered from the surgery and by the beginning of 98 the anxiety had gone away.

 

Since my 'breakdown' in 2010. I'd made huge steps in recovering. It's coming back again. Grief, the biggest loss I could have. How do I expect to get through this unscathed? My neurological symptoms are back, I'm twitching and tingling, weak jelly like limbs *sigh* panic attacks, and depression. Something I have managed to avoid for the most part is swallowing me but I understand, it would be naive to think otherwise. This is grief. I think so many people suffer anxiety and depression as a result of trauma, and also grief. As a society we are just beginning to fully understand AND open up about this. I just want a break. How much more can I endure? 

[MsLLL 413]

19 minutes ago, Gilly said:

 

 

Since my 'breakdown' in 2010. I'd made huge steps in recovering. It's coming back again. Grief, the biggest loss I could have. How do I expect to get through this unscathed? My neurological symptoms are back, I'm twitching and tingling, weak jelly like limbs *sigh* panic attacks, and depression. Something I have managed to avoid for the most part is swallowing me but I understand, it would be naive to think otherwise. This is grief. I think so many people suffer anxiety and depression as a result of trauma, and also grief. As a society we are just beginning to fully understand AND open up about this. I just want a break. How much more can I endure? 

Yes, all so true! I really don't know what to say, you have endured so much. And yet, you have overcome so much too! Your post will stay with me for a while. 

[Ihadcancer 321]

Gilly,  Do you think part of this right now is that it's so near the anniversary of your husband's death?  I'd almost replied to your thread after reading about his illness and then death when my computer froze. I took it as a sign to not bring it up if you didn't.  But I made a mental note to be there for you near that date.

When the doctors thought my husband had subungual melanoma, I began to grieve his loss and yet it wasn't cancer, but a 'bleeder' vein that was being pulled on by a fingernail that had detached in the middle of the finger.  I still look at his finger and feel ill, just from the memory that I could have lost him.  He's turning 70 this summer and only 1 relative has lived this long in his family! ONE.  

 

[Gilly 1086]

1 minute ago, Ihadcancer said:

Gilly,  Do you think part of this right now is that it's so near the anniversary of your husband's death?  I'd almost replied to your thread after reading about his illness and then death when my computer froze. I took it as a sign to not bring it up if you didn't.  But I made a mental note to be there for you near that date.

When the doctors thought my husband had subungual melanoma, I began to grieve his loss and yet it wasn't cancer, but a 'bleeder' vein that was being pulled on by a fingernail that had detached in the middle of the finger.  I still look at his finger and feel ill, just from the memory that I could have lost him.  He's turning 70 this summer and only 1 relative has lived this long in his family! ONE.  

 

It's quite possible Diane. Stephen was my best friend, my soulmate. The only time we were apart was when I was in hospital in 2002, we met in 98, married in 2001. We even worked together a few years. When my mum had her stroke in 09, my dad died in 2010, this is when my anxiety hit an all time high and I would freak out any time he had a headache, or felt tired. His dad used to tease he had put weight on and joke I'd give him a heart attack with my cooking (why do people say stuff like that?) I used to lay in bed and watch him breathe. I was driving myself crazy and I swear, I had some spotting one month mid cycle, and was distracted worrying about myself and I remember thinking I was relieved to worry about myself because it felt less scary... that thought opened up a real can of worms.

I have photos of him all around. It makes me feel better, he's pulling silly faces in most as he would if he was here. Some days I am still in shock, I can't fathom how this happened. Why this happened, why did I find this person who made everything I have endured worthwhile? I always said I would do it all again if I had to, because it led me to him. When I got well in 98, the first time in my life at 27 I could do normal things, I got a job and met him. Then he was just ripped away. Why him? I'M the sick one.

I talk to him every night but I miss him so so so much and you might be right Dianne, May 3rd is fast approaching, the day the nightmare began. Our cat died a month ago too, our eldest Bella. Stephen got Bella for me when I came out of hospital in 02.

He used to say it was just me and him against the world, now I feel all alone and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Life is a daily, hourly struggle sometimes. My doctor is great though, shes looking out for me. 

You are so kind, thank you <3 

[jonathan123 2368]

Why does it always seem that bad things always happen to the nicest people?

MissLLL. I am not for a moment suggesting that the only way to change is to have anxiety. Not at all. If we are aware we have a communication or a personal problem that involves others, then we can put it right if we have the will and desire. The problem is that the vast majority who behave badly are not aware of it, so continue to behave badly. As I did!

What I am saying is that anxiety CAN change us for the better; not that it will but it can: it can be the catalyst that does the trick, because it makes us aware that there's a problem, but so many sufferers treat anxiety as 'THE' problem not 'A' problem caused by an underlying disorder. Anxiety is a symptom. A symptom of unrest; disquiet, or long forgotten  unpleasant memories, so many things.

OK. So nice people like you get anxiety and why is that if what I say is true? Now please don't misunderstand me, but anxiety is subject to the laws of physics as is everything. Cause and effect. There is always a cause for anxiety. An inner conflict. The problem arises when it's an unconscious one and we are not fully aware of it, but it keeps throwing up symptoms. This is where good counselling or therapy comes in and is so useful. I would never have recovered without it. I say 'recovered'! Do we ever 'recover'? I prefer to use the word 'management'. I have learned to manage it so it has minimal effect on my life, but it still hovers in the background and probably always will.  

Now the sort of anxiety that Gilly is talking about has an obvious cause. We don't have to look far to know what that is. Grief is so painful and destructive to our body and mind. Most of us, when we reach a certain age, have lost someone and may know what grief is like, but I agree with you when you say it's an individual thing. Anxiety appears in as many ways as there are people who suffer from it. That's why there is no 'fix all' solution. Everyone has to be treated according to their own temperament and personality. Self help material can only generalise. It can be dangerous because of it's tendency to generalise and over simplify. We often find that when are not able to do what the author suggests we do we feel inferior or, what is worse, beyond help.

I still feel that given the will to enquire and ask, 'Why am I like this'? What is causing this fear deep down'?, we may find a solution. It requires skill, understanding and empathy to talk to a sufferer, and even begin to understand the underlying problem. Friends can give you the empathy and understanding, but there is no substitute for the skill of a trained therapist, but always one who has been there themselves, otherwise it's just theory which is useless.

 

[MsLLL 413]

And I'm sorry but...you seem like the nicest, most compassionate person! Not for one second I believe you were ever conceited nor full of self serving opinions! -before anxiety came to kick you in the backside.  Maybe I misread it and you meant: Because I have had intensive training in a certain field, I had my moments of superiority...Could that be it?! We are all human. 

On a more serious note, I agree with your observation that there is inner conflict in regard to anxiety, and yes, there is no substitute for a therapist. 

This was for Jon. My bad, forgot to include his name. 

[Ihadcancer 321]

That's heartbreaking, Gilly.  I understand that relationship and wish you'd been given as many years as we've been given.  However, I don't remember life before Jim and worry about me dying and leaving him or him dying and me living without him.  We've been married 47 years this coming October and had only met that April!  I was not even 20 yet when we married.  

I think, if we dig deep enough, we can all find the trigger.  What caused our anxiety and fear.  I still worry about my youngest.  If Jim and I both died, he'd be pretty much alone. Our other kids have busy lives and live all over the U.S.  Would he make the right decisions? He has a good job, but he's seen too much drama with his brothers marriages and our daughter (LONG story but she deserted him and later had 2 daughters and deserted THEM. We legally adopted Nick when she put him up for adoption at birth).  He's afraid to get close to a girl and is suspect of them  because of what his older brothers have gone through.  I can't leave him alone!  

I went to gym today and had to use the breathing technique twice to keep from feeling anxious.  I've never had any anxiety try to creep in while at the gym.  I was thinking........ 'what if I have a heart attack during cardio?'  I'm guessing that working on getting my cholesterol down is what triggered that thought. 

I'll be keeping you on my heart and in my prayers, Gilly.  Big hugs.

Diane

[MsLLL 413]

2 hours ago, Gilly said:

It's quite possible Diane. Stephen was my best friend, my soulmate. The only time we were apart was when I was in hospital in 2002, we met in 98, married in 2001. We even worked together a few years. When my mum had her stroke in 09, my dad died in 2010, this is when my anxiety hit an all time high and I would freak out any time he had a headache, or felt tired. His dad used to tease he had put weight on and joke I'd give him a heart attack with my cooking (why do people say stuff like that?) I used to lay in bed and watch him breathe. I was driving myself crazy and I swear, I had some spotting one month mid cycle, and was distracted worrying about myself and I remember thinking I was relieved to worry about myself because it felt less scary... that thought opened up a real can of worms.

I have photos of him all around. It makes me feel better, he's pulling silly faces in most as he would if he was here. Some days I am still in shock, I can't fathom how this happened. Why this happened, why did I find this person who made everything I have endured worthwhile? I always said I would do it all again if I had to, because it led me to him. When I got well in 98, the first time in my life at 27 I could do normal things, I got a job and met him. Then he was just ripped away. Why him? I'M the sick one.

I talk to him every night but I miss him so so so much and you might be right Dianne, May 3rd is fast approaching, the day the nightmare began. Our cat died a month ago too, our eldest Bella. Stephen got Bella for me when I came out of hospital in 02.

He used to say it was just me and him against the world, now I feel all alone and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Life is a daily, hourly struggle sometimes. My doctor is great though, shes looking out for me. 

You are so kind, thank you <3 

Dear Gilly!

( First of, I would like to admit I'm embarrassed about venting my frustrations in an earlier post in regard to work, the stupid gym situation and so on.  ).

I would like to offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your husband. I was at the 'stupid' gym, and your love story was on my mind. The way you'd described your husband in your post shows what a wonderful, special man he was. I'm not even pretending to understand what your loss is like....I had lost my Grandfather who was the best man I knew, and the strongest role model I had, he had a heart of gold and was a true family man. But that's comparing apples to oranges, since it's not what you have lost. I know this is not helping but I feel strongly that life was not fair when he was taken away. and I wish it didn't happen. But I'm so very happy for you that you were with your soulmate, at least for a time and you cherish your memories, and you guys didn't pass each other by in life . And I'm thrilled you guys were there for each other when times got tough, not all couples make it through that part. I wish I could help you somehow but I can't. You give so much by keeping this site going, and I hope everyone gathers around you and sends you blessings somehow. 

[Ihadcancer 321]

1 hour ago, jonathan123 said:

Why does it always seem that bad things always happen to the nicest people?

Jonathan,  Because of my childhood, I have always tried to be nice to everyone even if they were not nice to me. I forgave things that people never asked forgiveness for.  Heartbreaking things. I have always done my best to be nice, kind and caring.  I never yelled at my children or husband.  My husband laughs at me because I tell him I'm going to change the world, one person at a time.  If I go into Wal-Mart, I will approach someone who doesn't look approachable and say something pleasant and smile my big smile.  I compliment people on their children. I chat about the weather and let people go in front of me in the line if they have only a few things. I pick up things they drop. I help them get heavy items.  I ask what kind of cat/ dog they have if they're getting pet food or toys.  I try to show that I CARE about them no matter what color they are or what lifestyle they might live.  This is just me. Because of that......

I certainly don't think God gave me anxiety OR CANCER to teach me a lesson or fix something I was doing that was bad, but I believe He allowed me to have cancer so that I could help others.  I'm an ordained Cancer Cancer Minister through Our Journey of Hope which was started by Cancer Treatment Centers of America who went into churches and trained people to work with cancer patients and families.  I have 5 families I'm assigned to right now, tho none of them are currently ill. I also work with Faith in Action that feeds, clothes and provides holiday meals for almost 400 families year round in Douglas County, through our church.  I'm the fool who gives money to the people at the end of the exit ramps.  If they waste the money on drugs or drink, that's between them and God. I did as I felt led.  The list goes on.  

Someone said to me last week, and it may have been you, that I have more PTSD than anxiety, which is probably true. However, it manifests itself in Health Anxiety so that's what I most identify with.  Fear of NOT death. Fear of an ugly dying.  I don't' want my family to go through what I've seen other families go through. I don't want my family to remember me ill or a shell of a person, a burden.  If I were told I was going to die in the next 2 years and I had the choice, a heart attack and dead immediately today, or an extended ugly death 2 years from now, I'd choose the heart attack today.   

I know you were not lumping us all together, but I did read it the same way as MissLLL my first time through so wanted to jump in with my thoughts.  

♥ Diane

[Gilly 1086]

Don't be embarrassed, vent about anything you like!

And it helps, believe me it helps. I'm dealing with a lot of self pity, which I generally do not like and never really do. Confidence and self esteem issues... yup. What keeps me from completely falling apart is our strong bond, I never was or have been a religious person, I'm a deep thinker, a philosopher, I have always questioned but never understood. I guess it's just how I am, I'm a logical thinker, I need to understand to believe, I have always been open minded but things have happened that can only have one explanation, my logical rational mind cannot explain, my doctor told me to stop questioning and believe what I have felt/experienced. I know with all my heart we will be together again, and that keeps me going. 

[Ihadcancer 321]

1 minute ago, Gilly said:

I know with all my heart we will be together again, and that keeps me going. 

That's beautiful!  Hang on to that!  

[MsLLL 413]

I'm glad! And I comprehend the-understand-to-believe well. I think your Doctor's advice is wonderful! It's best to not question THAT and just enjoy it's there! (I have wished for that many times after my Grandpa's passing but I was always too afraid to 'invite it' in.)  I'm happy you have the bond (you always will!) and the "new' connection. 

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Diane.

I certainly don't think God gave me anxiety OR CANCER to teach me a lesson or fix something I was doing that was bad, but I believe He allowed me to have cancer so that I could help others.  

Not for one moment do I believe we are punished by God. God is Love, Unconditional. How can that sort of Love harm anyone. Never! But the last sentence says it all. Some questions have no answer. 'Why Me?' is a question mankind has asked through the ages without a satisfactory answer. St. Paul, with his 'thorn in his side' asked God for relief but never got it. So many saints and good people have suffered real pain through no fault of their own. But when I said about there always being a cause I was in the realms of psychology and not religion or philosophy. Clement Freud was an atheist, but he gave us the first real insight into the unconscious, that much neglected area of the human psyche. St. Augustine said 'Love, and do what thou wilt'. This was not a license for profligate living, but if you truly Love Unconditionally then you can do no wrong to anyone, least of all to yourself. This does not have to be religious, but just caring and, as Diane says, showing you are in so many ways. A smile at just the right moment can lift someone up. A hug can work wonders, although one must be discreet of course! But showing Love, not in a pushy ostentatious way, but in simple gestures and thoughts. My God, how the world needs it so badly!!!

Anyway, I'm in the mood for hugs, anyone??? Guys and all, I don't mind.