After acceptance.. working on 'IT'

[Gilly 1083]

Ok, I'm just going to roll with this so bear with me. It's landing in the GAD forum but is open to all. I'm posting this off the back of @lonesailor14's fantastic post about 'letting go' that she posted (see here) 

I let go a long time ago, I made good progress but after my husband passed away last year I've of course had many hurdles come my way. At first I was determined, I would smash this agoraphobia and panic malarkey and live life to the fullest for the both of us. (yeah, I know but it was a nice idea) I have done things I never dreamed of, but in some respects I've taken one step forward, ten back...

Today our eldest cat passed away. She was the first cat we got, when we moved into our first home together and got married. She was 15. I am of course heartbroken. She was the oldest of 7, I still have 6 furbabies to look after, they need their momma and my Mum needs me too. My doctor told me this week she was extremely proud of me, I was taken a back and not sure why? 

@JOYCICLE shared a video with me, I watched it then took a bath. Whilst in the bath I got to thinking and became inspired. Maybe my doctor felt proud for a genuine a reason, self worth and self esteem is something I have always struggled with, and it's taken a huge knock the last few months. I struggle to take a compliment!

I'm feeling like I want to grab the proverbial bull by the horns. The video I am about to share is on point, no matter what disorder you suffer from, no matter your circumstances this lady is saying all the things I have tried to do the last few years. Acceptance, and management are key and the stress hormone cortisol is one of our worst enemies. Cortisol feeds the cycle of anxiety/symptoms, lets cut it down and give our bodies and minds the help we deserve. Meds or no meds, it does not matter. This can help either way.

A good balanced diet, a good sleep schedule, daily exercise and fun! Smile more, laugh more. Happy tasks and exercises, along with mindfulness and anything that promotes relaxation. 

This is not about acceptance, this is stress/anxiety/symptom management. BUT, whether you have accepted or not, why not try it anyway? If your anxiety and symptoms lessen, it really can help you to accept.

OK I have tried not to ramble on, I hope I have made some sense!

Watch the video. I am going to start on Monday. Lets give it a try over the next few months and see if we feel better. (I know we will) We will use this thread to monitor progress, You can even write a blog, oh and I highly recommend along with this to keep a worry diary. Who is with me?

 

[JOYCICLE 654]

I am always with you

[lonesailor14 652]

I'm here! Great idea Gilly! I think we could all all develop some good habits like exercise and eating & sleeping well. Even if it did nothing at all at least you'd have the knowledge that you've done your best and given your body and mind the best health it could ask for. That would help health anxiety sufferers a lot. If you're living a healthy life, there's less chance something could go wrong. It also helps your self esteem to feel strong, healthy and capable. 

Just a quick note. Letting go isn't something I've just done once. It's not something you do once and the anxiety disorder just vanishes. It's something to paractice every time anxiety arises. And that can happen 20 times a day! With each new thing that has caused the anxiety, you have to find a way to let go of the reason for your fear. I have less and less things that stir up anxiety in me these days, but there's still things that pop up from time to time and I have to find a way to let go and be ok with who I am and what I'm feeling. This is anxiety management. Letting go is the same as the off switch. Just revised and probably explained in a better way. 

This and the video Gilly has shared is a great Anxiety management plan. I hope more people get on board and we can share or progress and set backs together on this thread. 

Gilly, great post & great idea! 

P.s. I'm sorry to hear about your fur baby. I don't know who's idea it was to give us these beautiful little critters and only give them a seventh of our life span. Maybe in the next life they could rethink that. Anyway, sending big hugs to you❤

[JOYCICLE 654]

'' With each new thing that has caused the anxiety, you have to find a way to let go of the reason for your fear.  '''

 

Once again, Lone Sailor, you've given me a nice little line to hold on to.  The literal REASON for that fear, each little one.  That may be more productive than saying 'i am afraid because i had a sh** childhood', which accomplishes little in the present. But to say ' why does XYZ scare me' right now?  And then answering that question with logic, may really get us somewhere. 

[lonesailor14 652]

So Monday check in time! I have totally failed haha. Ate ice cream, stayed inside all day and barely exercised. I did walk the dogs! Still smoking and eating all the wrong stuff. 

Though I have an excuse that it is like a billion degrees outside. We're in a heat wave. I always laugh when I see heat waves in the news from Europe. 30 degrees haha haha. It was 42.9 today. Half the country is on fire as is it's annual thing. I just read in the news that 700 bats literally cooked to death hanging in the trees! It's 22 inside in the airconditioning. So I don't feel too bad about not going outside. 

Tomorrow is another day & I promise to report an improvement! 

A good tip I read about...when starting any lifestyle change, aim for 1 percent. Try everyday to be 1 percent better than the day before. This doesn't seem like much to ask. If I do 1 push up tomorrow, I'm 1 percent better than I was today. The next day, I'll have to do 2 push ups. By Valentines day 2018 I should be doing 365 push ups or there abouts. (The push ups are an example☺ I'm not going to actually do push ups lol?) 

Maybe I can get 1 percent better and eat some fruit tomorrow? And smoke one less cigarette? Or spend 5 minutes actually meditating? 

 

[Gilly 1083]

I started out with good intentions honestly, can I blame my computer? It's on a go slow and Monday morning duties have turned into Monday afternoon 'oh craps'. I haven't had breakfast yet, it's 2:50pm..... Maybe I can get away with this if I switch to Texas time, it's not even 9am there

Sailor I think you can be excused, that heat is insanity. I'd not be able to do anything but sit in cold water 24/7! 

1 percent? I'll go eat a blueberry  

[JOYCICLE 654]

I was a horrible fruit eater for years even though I love fruit. It's always too bagged up, down in the fridge drawer, not easy to get to , etc. But the last couple of years I am much better at it.  I take it out in the morning and lay it out where I see things often and you do go by and eat a bite  now and then. So set it out early and over the day you'll get it all eaten.  

[JOYCICLE 654]

A friend of mine and I had decided on Saturday to try to shape up before our grandbabies come in the fall. We were already agreed to hold each other to task so I will do so here as well. It's hard to make a big lifestyle change, as Lone says.  So we were going to add and subtract one thing each month. This month ( which is halfway done already,  hallelujah) we are adding situps and subtracting baked goods.   If I bake brownies or a cake I will eat a piece or MORE every day until it's gone.  So that is a small change that I can easily make because baking is a drag anyway.  We started out with 15 situps and each day can add another 1 or 2 . So that is our ' change' for February. Baby steps. The point was to change slowly and get used to each step for 30 days so it becomes part of the routine/ habit and won't be hard then to add or subtract another something next month.

 

[lonesailor14 652]

Awesome idea Joycicle! Great work!

Gilly...come on, a blueberry? Haha you're a worry?

[Ihadcancer 316]

Hey!  I'm up for this.  I started going to the gym in August and love it.  I go with people my age up to age 88, but not always with people who can keep up with me.  The gym clears my head and I'm happy to say I've lost about 15 lbs by exercise and a careful diet plan (a friend who has her Doctorate in Critical Nutrition made it for me). 

I've been sick for almost a full week now so haven't gone to the gym for 1 week today.  

About breakfast.  I can't eat a good breakfast and go do cardio and crossfit for 2 hours.  I try to eat something very light those mornings. 

Also, WATER!  I bought these special chug type bottles for gym that hold 34 ounces of water. I force myself to drink at least 2 of those filled with real spring water every day.  

Here's picture of how I feel after gym class (oh and I bought lots of cool gym clothes, too). 

[Gilly 1083]

Yeah!!! Awesome stuff Diane.

I look after my Mum, shes paralysed after a stroke in 2009 and I had a carer review, in 2012 I think? The lady brought up the possibility of joining a gym, for my own well being, so I did. I only did swimming there though but the heated outdoor pool was lovely and in summer, felt like a holiday! I lost 30lbs the first year, and my anxiety improved a lot. Sadly I haven't been able to go since losing my husband as I can't drive. I'm learning though and I really hope I can afford to join the gym again when I can drive myself there. I miss the pool and miss how good it made me feel. 

I have to have a good breakfast but I am NOT a morning person lol I did eventually today have icelandic yoghurt, oats and blueberries. It was nice, but it's no bacon and eggs. I am a carnivore  I'll keep at it though

[lonesailor14 652]

You girls put me to shame? I feel so slack. I haven't done anything substantial today!

I'm glad to hear you ate more than a blueberry today Gilly. A heated pool in a UK summer would still be too cold for me haha. Only 39 here today. Almost had to put a coat on lol?

[Gilly 1083]

46 minutes ago, lonesailor14 said:

You girls put me to shame? I feel so slack. I haven't done anything substantial today!

I'm glad to hear you ate more than a blueberry today Gilly. A heated pool in a UK summer would still be too cold for me haha. Only 39 here today. Almost had to put a coat on lol?

I loved it, in October/November when it was raining and about 5 degrees out. That was awesome! You know what else was awesome? My holiday to the cabin last month, and the hot tub. One night it was -8C and freezing fog, and I was sat in the hot tub which was maintained at 37.5C. So refreshing! 

[Gilly 1083]

Day 2

I had yoghurt, oats and blueberries again for breakfast then I went for a brisk walk and even ran a little. My app says it was 2 miles but it felt like more. 

My knees and shins are throbbing. I can have all the enthusiasm in the world but the fact is my body can't keep up ! 

Mind of an 18 yr old, body of an 80 yr old lol 

[JOYCICLE 654]

But you did it. Maybe not with the sprinting next time. 

[Ihadcancer 316]

I have avoided the gym with my UTI and upper respiratory thing and am thinking about going tomorrow but I'm only on the bladder med for 4 1/2 days so still not 'well'.  Also, my nose is still running and head a bit loopy from the congestion.  I probably will start back on Monday when I certainly should be closer to all better. 

I did get a DVD in the mail for Flat Abs Fast.  It's sitting here unopened. Does that count? 

I was awful. I ate Valentine's Candy with coffee for breakfast!  LOLOLOLOL

[JOYCICLE 654]

LMAO , I've not had a baked good of any kind in 8 days ........... that photo sure looks good.

 

[lonesailor14 652]

Starting a new job tomorrow! It's a week on, week off where I have to stay in a mining camp 5 hours from home for the week I'm on. The good thing is free food for the week and they never really offer much that isn't healthy. It's all salads and veggies. So I always lose weight when I'm away working. 

I'm normally anxious when starting a new job, I guess I am a little but I've been doing that buteyko breathing for a few weeks and feel really good. It's been a godsend. 

Anyway, just thought I'd check in and let ya know I'm still kicking ass. Happy International Women's day for the 8th! 

Here's a pic of me at work?

[MsLLL 410]

Wow....Lonesailor...to put it 'mildy'; I'm blown away! Look at this tiny woman in front of that monster piece of machinery! Your picture shows a very confident woman who can handle all the 'monster' will throw at ya! Full speed ahead and congrats on your new job and taming 'the beast'. (tongue in cheek much?!). 

P.S.: I've read one of your responses a while back to some other member...and you had mentioned Ice Road Truckers... it inspired me to watch that for the first time. I was so anxious watching that but thought at the same time:" There is this lady on my forum who actually man-handles these! How cool!". 

All the best to you and  all of us women out there (Happy International Women's Day!). 

[Gilly 1083]

1 hour ago, MissLiveLaughLove said:

Wow....Lonesailor...to put it 'mildy'; I'm blown away! Look at this tiny woman in front of that monster piece of machinery! Your picture shows a very confident woman who can handle all the 'monster' will throw at ya! Full speed ahead and Congrats on your new job and taming 'the beast'. (tongue in cheek much?!). 

P.S.: I read one of your responses a while back to some other member...and you had mentioned Ice Road Truckers... it inspired me to watch that for the first time. I was so anxious watching that but thought at the same time:" There is this lady on my forum who actually man-handles these! How cool!". 

All the best to you and  all of us women out there (Happy International Women's Day!). 

IKR? Sailor is awesome, I mean LOOK AT THAT, look at the toys she gets to play with?!! She's defo a woman after my own heart. Smart, kind and totally badass!! 

 

[Jasmine 3]

This is awesome.  I am going to watch it again and start making changes immediately.  I'm looking forward to seeing improvements in my anxiety levels. 

[lonesailor14 652]

How's everyone going? 

I made a little break through today! 

I notice the voice in my head is very negative. Anxiety tends to zap my self confidence and I didn't even realise it. To meet me, you wouldn't think I lacked self confidence. I'm not afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger or speak up in a meeting at work in front of 50 people. I live an adventurous life and am outgoing. Yet inside my head...that's another story. The voice in there is what causes my anxiety! 

Anytime I think a symptom might be taking over, I add more anxiety. Then I focus too much on the symptom and make it worse. The voice in my head says things like "oh no this isn't good" or "I should call in sick" or "I'm losing it and going to do something embarrassing". It over reacts and in reality the situation isn't nearly as bad as it could be. My anxiety is tiny compared to what it used to be. My mind is freaking out like as if I'm having the worst panic attack ever or I'm about to but in reality I'm not even breathing heavy yet. I haven't had a bad panic attack in years and I find I have to remind myself of this all of the time!

Anyway, those thoughts saying "I should call in sick" or "I'm going to lose it" are little voices I didn't even realise that are there all day ripping apart my confidence. I don't act on them. Well, sometimes I do take a sick day. But most of the time I know it's best to ignore them and face the day. Today I noticed them. Today I thought "hang on a minute!" I realised how I've been talking to myself. All day hearing things like "you can't do this" or "be careful" has made me anxious, on guard and well kind of a wimp! 

I know the best thing to do is to get out of my own way, get out of my head, think of something else or get busy so I don't listen to the thoughts or focus too much on the symptoms. As I've mentioned before, that's hard to do in a truck. There's nowhere to go & no way to get busy. So I try to think of other things. I've tried spelling big words in my head. Remember song lyrics. Remembering the few German words I learnt years ago or trying to think of as many Spanish words I know. I try to name songs starting with the letter "B". Anything to keep my mind busy, giving it something else to do rather than look for problems. But today I found a really good exercise. Rather than thinking of songs or words or spelling, I made my mind find all the positives I could. I also made it praise me over and over. I made myself think of all the awesome stuff I know how to do. I made it think of all the times I thought I couldn't do something but did. I made it think of all the different trucks I've been in and the panic attacks I've had in them and how I'm still bloody here making money and doing it because I didn't run away or give up! And I thought about how proud of myself I should be an am because of it. I thought about how just turning up to work is an achievment some days and I did it. I thought about how in the scheme of things, I'm a god damn warrior and I shouldn't be afraid of anything! Much like the line from Cool Runnings..."I'm a bad ass mother who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!" That includes not taking crap from myself and my thoughts. 

I had to keep my mind busy so I made it do something good. And it works well! I can make anxiety go away in many ways but this has to be my favourite. I know some days it's hard to fake positivity if you're just not feeling it, but today it worked and I recommend it to anyone. Try it. Think of the things you've done and can do and tell yourself that's an awesome thing. Do it over and over and over. 

I probably sound like Tony Robbins now haha! It's true. Being positive works. I think we with anxiety probably forget to see the good in ourselves. We spend a lot of time mentally beating ourselves up. The whole time we could be mentally talking ourselves up instead. If nothing else it will give your mind something else to do rather than think about anxiety all day. 

I'd love to hear some more stories of progress, I hope you're all doing well too☺

[Gilly 1083]

Oh sailor! I've been doing the same things.. I decided yesterday to try and put focus on the positives. I have a driving lesson today, the first one since January and I'm trying to focus on that. I've been up and down the past month or so, pretty down at times, ok very down at times. I was doing ok but then my doctor put me on iron tabets for minor low ferritin. I took them for 3 weeks but they upset my stomach and set of my anxiety, so I stopped. I saw my doctor about 2 weeks after for a follow up and as my stomach had recovered fine, my anxiety over it improved I agreed to try them again, at a lower dose. It happened again, after a few days and it was worse this time. Sigh. I've stopped them again but the anxiety has been even worse. My blood stored are good, I'm not anaemic so.. I'l try and get iron the natural way.  I've been convinced my crohns is flaring up, that it will be horrible and that I won't make it alone, I've been an absolute train wreck of worry and fear, with an upset stomach, which before the iron tablets was A-OK. 

Next Monday, the 22nd is a year since Stephen died. I'm sure that is playing a major part in all this, yet the old anxiety is not convinced. What a bitch! It can be convinced by fantastical fears but not truths! It's not so easily convinced by truths, damn debbie doubter!

I felt awful on Sunday so took myself out for a 3 mile walk in the sunshine, and showed it who is boss! (or tried to lol)

[lonesailor14 652]

You're kicking arse Gilly and that's awesome! 

Yes it is easily convinced by fantastical fears! I've never been a naturally positive person. Not that I'm naturally depressive, but the anxious thoughts are there out of habit after 5 or so years of having it so I guess this is my natural state. Though I know if I make an effort, I can make positivity my natural state eventually.  

It must be hard to juggle an actual medical problem like crohn's and anxiety. To decipher which is a crohns symptom and what is anxiety. Do you find this? 

Anniversaries are always tough. It's bound to play on your mind. You have every right to feel down and miss your mate but I must remind you how awesome you are. You probably thought you'd suffer badly on your own but look how far you've come. You're an amazingly strong woman, my favourite kind. I'm super proud and impressed at how you've managed to keep putting one foot in front of the other and kept kicking goals. Don't let yourself forget this. You're amazing!

Good luck with your driving lesson☺ 

[Gilly 1083]

Aww sailor you made me cry, do you really think that of me? That is so nice, and so kind. I never feel strong, quite the opposite. You know you are pretty damn awesome yourself right?? 

Maybe replace that strong with stubborn, stubborn I most definitely am  I have always been a glass half full person, don't like to complain and having a bit of a hard time expressing how I feel because I have a fair bit to complain about really lol

"It must be hard to juggle an actual medical problem like crohn's and anxiety. To decipher which is a crohns symptom and what is anxiety. Do you find this?"

Yes, yes most definitely it is. It's confusing too. Having it since I was so young I was always asked by my doctors about symptoms and pain and the frequency and consistency of my BM's, so you monitor yourself constantly and that habit is very very very hard to break. I have only had 2 flare ups of Crohns since my anxiety began, and the first one in 2002 when I had my last surgery was what kicked my anxiety up into full gear. The symptoms then could not possibly be mistaken for anxiety (I had a 2 inch hole on my stomach) but ever since? Oh yeah! I got diagnosed with IBS in, I think about 2007. The PTSD complicates matters a lot because any type of stomach pain, alterations in poop BOOM panic takes over. I HAD gotten to the point where I was able to not freak out but write in my diary about it and trust my regular testing, then last year happened and now... the though of getting sick overwhelms me. Having an ileostomy too isn't easy, I can get bad trapped gas, foods can block the stoma and the bugger can sometimes get so sore, can't itch it like an itchy butt lol I gotta be careful what I eat. It's a balancing act.

It's funny but I have accepted anxiety, but after 33 years I don't think I have ever accepted Crohns.... it has taken so much from me but if I didn't have it I would never have met Stephen, I used to be ok with that but now I'm angry, the deal was not for just 18 years dammit. 

The driving lesson went great! My instructor was so pleased that I was able to pick up where I left off. She says I seem to be the type of person that learns quick and it sticks, unlike the usual 17 yr olds she is used to teaching. I feel good today *fingers crossed*

Did I tell you about being on TV? I have been emailing with a producer and also had a skype convo with him. It's about websleuths, they are making a documentary about it and I was asked to be involved. My maps are gonna be on the telly  (I make interactive case maps for missing people and murder cases) That's pretty exciting right?