Introducing Me

[miserylee 0]

Many people recently made me scared to open up.
I feel like I have to hide and fix myself before I'm really accepted back into society.
I've spent day on Instagram and Pinterest typing in "Anxiety" just to see some people do understand, but I don't know them which sucks.

When I was little, my grandmother said I was never that happy, I was always sad.
I remember going to school and trying to talk and help everyone I could, but I stopped after I turned 7. I stopped trying to make friends. However, I did still help people with their problems. After I helped I was alone again because they moved on to their friends who weren't helping. High school came and I couldn't wait for that bell to ring to go home, back into my room, waiting for the next day to come and go. Never looking forward to nothing. 
Soon I developed a fear of meeting/talking to people, messing up, public humiliation, leaving my room, going outside for anything. 

I didn't think too much of it. I thought I was just scared all the time. After giving birth to my daughter, a social worker caught me crying and asked why. I told her I was scared and sad all the time. I got therapy after that.

A few months ago, I lost everything. My fiance, my home, most of my friends, my job (that I was forced to get even though I wasn't mentally ready), and my medical.
My family made me feel worse. My ex makes me scared to go outside or move on. My friends aren't that supportive.
After so many panic attacks, I feel as though I'm not strong enough to make it through.

I just don't want to be alone anymore.

[BrokenArrow 52]

Welcome aboard!

Let me start off by saying it is great that you have reached out to a community of people for help. I am a pretty new member myself but I feel better being here. Even one person to talk to and help you along is better then nothing. 

I don't want to touch too much on your set back because its never good to dwell on negative things. We do that enough and that is why we are here. It seems to me like you have agoraphobia ( fear of people) which I can 100% relate to. My main thing is health anxiety but I always feel like all my symptoms are a lot worse in public. The bad thing is the longer we pull away from people and from work the harder it gets to go back. I was just recently pulled out of work about 2 weeks ago due to anxiety and I feel like I'll never be able to go back. I am basically okay when I am home but then I get so scared of going out to public places. I know how you feel on that. I think the best thing for that would be baby steps. Start by just going to get your mail and see how you feel. Then maybe move on to making 2 trips up and down your driveway. Baby steps. You can't force yourself to do something you aren't ready for but at the same time you have to push your comfort zone a little further each time or you will never make progress.

The big thing is you are not alone. A ton of people feel the same way you feel and I am one of them. This is a great community of people from what I have seen. 

 

[Valkyrie 15]

It takes so much strength to reach out like you did. On days where it seems hard to get on, remember the smallest strengths. I'm sorry to hear you lost so much, but you can rebuild, and rebuild with a stronger foundation. The road to recovery is long and hard, but always know that set backs aren't always set backs, they're opportunities to learn and grow even more. I hope this message board can help you, if you ever need support just mention it. I haven't been here long but it's an incredible community. I wish you the best.

[miserylee 0]

25 minutes ago, BrokenArrow said:

Welcome aboard!

Let me start off by saying it is great that you have reached out to a community of people for help. I am a pretty new member myself but I feel better being here. Even one person to talk to and help you along is better then nothing. 

I don't want to touch too much on your set back because its never good to dwell on negative things. We do that enough and that is why we are here. It seems to me like you have agoraphobia ( fear of people) which I can 100% relate to. My main thing is health anxiety but I always feel like all my symptoms are a lot worse in public. The bad thing is the longer we pull away from people and from work the harder it gets to go back. I was just recently pulled out of work about 2 weeks ago due to anxiety and I feel like I'll never be able to go back. I am basically okay when I am home but then I get so scared of going out to public places. I know how you feel on that. I think the best thing for that would be baby steps. Start by just going to get your mail and see how you feel. Then maybe move on to making 2 trips up and down your driveway. Baby steps. You can't force yourself to do something you aren't ready for but at the same time you have to push your comfort zone a little further each time or you will never make progress.

The big thing is you are not alone. A ton of people feel the same way you feel and I am one of them. This is a great community of people from what I have seen. 

 

Luckily I can push for baby steps. That's how I pushed myself out the door for high school. Everyone here is so supportive and it's what I've been waiting for. Thank you for understanding.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you make it through work? I try my hardest to hide I'm scared and research so much about my jobs, but somehow I always get fired.

[BrokenArrow 52]

Well, I am very aware of my health anxiety and my agoraphobia so I would usually look for jobs where I was on my own or jobs where I was out of the building a lot. For example my last job was a pizza delivery driver. It would work out pretty well for me because I could always calm myself down while I was alone in my car, or I could call my my wife if I really needed to. Other jobs that seemed to work out alright for me would be factory work because for the most part you are left alone and just left to your work. I would try to avoid jobs where you are constantly dealing with the public. I worked for Wal-mart for a while and it was awful. I hated how many people were always around. 

Think about the job. Think of if it will work for you or not. It doesn't matter how good the job is or what it pays, if you can't do it then it won't work. I would look for something were you can be on your own a lot or a job where you can have time to calm yourself down if need be. 

Above anything else though, try not to freak yourself out before you go there. If you go into a job saying "oh my God this is awful, this is terrible, I can't do this, I'm going to have an attack" you are setting yourself up to fail and your body will react accordingly. 

[miserylee 0]

I freak myself out a lot. I was a museum custodian and my ex mother-in-law fired me 3 times for no reason. I know I can clean. I signed up for care, but when I was looking I almost passed out looking for something I really liked.

I reverted back to rely on my art. And thinking of stay at home jobs. Like thrift store flipping, but I always freeze up. Don't know how to move pass.

[BrokenArrow 52]

Personally I would stay away from at home jobs. That is letting your anxiety win. You are allowing yourself to be forced into staying home. Start out small. The baby steps can be applied to this also. Try to find a part time job. See if you can find something for 10 hours a week or so. Small shifts to start. Work your way up. You can't be too hard on yourself. You can't overwhelm yourself. The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. You can do it. You know you can, I don't even need to tell you that. It's just that right now you are trying to put the cart before the horse. You do have a disorder, a mental health disorder. It does have to be addressed. You do have to work through it. If you broke your arm you wouldn't go weight lifting the next day and expect everything to be okay. It is the same way with a mental disorder. You have to work your way up to where you want to be.Start small. Look for something part time that you feel comfortable with.

[Valkyrie 15]

4 minutes ago, miserylee said:

I freak myself out a lot. I was a museum custodian and my ex mother-in-law fired me 3 times for no reason. I know I can clean. I signed up for care, but when I was looking I almost passed out looking for something I really liked.

I reverted back to rely on my art. And thinking of stay at home jobs. Like thrift store flipping, but I always freeze up. Don't know how to move pass.

Is art therapeutic to you? You can always try that to process what you're feeling. It can also be great for self-care. 

It's okay to freeze up. Like Brokenarrow said, take small steps. You can work up to it and feel good about it without putting yourself through too much too fast.

[miserylee 0]

It is. My anxiety just seems to try to make up so many excuse that I just can't get past. I have so many ideas but I can never start them. I really need to push. 

[Valkyrie 15]

14 minutes ago, miserylee said:

It is. My anxiety just seems to try to make up so many excuse that I just can't get past. I have so many ideas but I can never start them. I really need to push. 

Believe in yourself and your abilities. Even if it turns out to be something you don't like, you can at least say you started it, and you tried. You can't ask yourself for much more