Anxious, Sad, and Lonely- Been separated for three months

[lonewulf71 1]

I am trying to type here, and nothing is showing up. Not sure what is wrong. Today I have been separated from my husband for three months by his choice not mine. He is deeply depressed, and we are just in limbo because he will no longer try counseling. We went to marriage counseling, and he had an appointment with his own counselor but he refused to go anymore. I recently found out that I have Apserger's on top of anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. I am lost and sad and lonely. I really have no one to talk to but my mother as I have no close friends. Being in limbo and not knowing what will eventually happen is scary. I am also worried about my husband, but I barely see him. I am seeing a therapist, and I take Klonopin but that doesn't help or change my situation. I can't work and have applied for disability. My two dogs are the only thing keeping me going. It is very stressful trying stretch money when we are living separately. I just wish I had someone else to talk to sometimes. My husband is/was my best friend but I am not sure if that person exists anymore. I have realized that many of his issues don't have to do with me, but that doesn't make me feel better. He never dealt with the c****r deaths of both his parents. He went to a grief group once, but he wouldn't talk because he was so upset. The counselor running the group stopped him when he left and told him she would see him separately but this has yet to happen. He called one and she wasn't in, and I don't think he has called back. I'm sorry if this seems to be rambling.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi. lonewulf. You posted back in last September but the situation seems to have got worse since then. I am so sorry you are going through this turmoil. Having someone close to you with depression is not easy to cope with and especially if you are not well yourself. Your husband should be persuaded to continue seeing the counsellor. I know this is difficult but refusal to seek help is not good. Opening up to a stranger is not easy,especially for a man. In the West we have this macho image of a manly person who never gets anxious or upset or cries because it just isn't done. Shame on us for thinking like that. Men cry; I have many times. Someone somehow must talk to him and persuade him. Without his free participation what can you do. The person you knew does still exist deep down but, at the moment, is overwhelmed with his problems.

Your support is helpful but being away from him makes it difficult. Time may help. Things do pass but that is not much comfort to you now.

Sorry I can't suggest any immediate solution. Look after yourself because you may be needed to give support.

And never apologise for 'rambling'. You're not doing that and we all understand how you feel.       Jon. 

[lonewulf71 1]

Thanks so much for your reply Jon. I am really hoping that he will try to contact the lady from the grief support group again. She did make an impression on him. For so long I think he thought he could just shake things off until he finally reached a breaking point. I was able to talk with him a little more today when he stopped by for dinner on his way to work. He confided in me that he did cry off and on at work Sunday when he was alone. Every time I do get to see him, I try to let him know that I am here for him, and just having him open up to me today even a little bit helped. Even though I'm having a hard time , I let him know that I am doing what I can to take care of things at home. I was able to share a few of my anxieties and get his input on solutions to deal with them, and I think we both felt a little better when he went to work today.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi. lonewulf. Now that sounds like a step forward. If he is opening up to you then the chances are he may go back to counselling. When counselling I would much rather have women clients than men. With men it is heavy going; women open up more easily and are more responsive to new ideas. Give him time. The reassurance you give him must help a lot and may stop him feeling alone in his depression. That is the problem with depression, the deep feeling of isolation, cut off from our fellow man. It sounds as if you could be a rock for him to hold on to in this situation.

You! How are you feeling? I know only too well how helpful dogs can be in anxiety. They seem to sense a problem and are responsive in their own way and do give comfort. You say being in limbo and not knowing what will happen is scary. The unknown is always scary. Far better to know what is happening because we can then deal with it. But life is uncertain anyway. It is best, I have found, to live from day to day, even hour by hour. No anticipation or regrets.

Hang in there.    Jon.