anxiety - stems from observation of people

[Bria 7]

People.. That's my root.. Everything about them.. Wish I could crawl in a hole. But I have to work, deal with social interactions.. The store, work, every where... I just want to be like a hermit crab and curl away and hide in shell..ugh..

[Bria 7]

It doesn't matter this is just a glimmer of how I perceive people... It would take forever to explain what I really mean to say..

[jimbojetset 1]

i know how that feels, i have been hiding away for weeks, dont want to see / speak to anyone

[Bria 7]

It sucks right.. I'm sorry you feel that way.. I know how much it sucks.. Make me angry but I hide it

.. Wish I could hide from the world sometimes. But you can't....

[jimbojetset 1]

yep, hard to hide, hard to sleep all day

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi.  But we can't can we? Hide away. Hermits have to live and even in a cave in the mountains they have to have food and someone has to bring it. Communication with our fellow humans is so important. Yes, I know, there are some you would run a mile from but there are many, many who are caring, honest people. We should be careful about throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But is it them or is it us? Is it our reaction to them that matters? We can avoid those we don't get on with, and in anxiety that is wise, but to cut ourselves off from everyone is not. 'John Dunne said it all when he said "No man is an island". If we cut ourselves off and go our own way then we lose the most valuable asset we can have, the companionship of our fellows. Also, we must be careful we don't blame others for our faults. People may ask, 'How are you?' Some answer, 'I'm ok, its the others'. Perhaps they have a problem with us! The world is not a pleasant place for sensitive people, but we are in it and have to make the best of it. By helping others, as we do on this site, we help ourselves. I know that talking to my friends on here helps me a lot. Ok, so that sounds selfish, but  helping is a two way operation. You get back what you give, and remember, you only have yourself to give; nothing more or less, but that is the most important thing you can give. We need to love each other as humans; and if the world is to recover from its present trauma then that is what we need to do.       Jon.

[jimbojetset 1]

hmmm     easier said than done .

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi jimbo. Welcome to the AC Forum. I wonder what you find difficult about giving? I know how you feel because I too went through the phase of wanting to hide away. I was filled with shame and guilt for being as I was; as if it was my fault!  This went on for a long time so I do know. As we are in anxiety is not us, it is the anxiety talking and acting through us. It masks our real selves. Why do we shy away from the word love. (I am not saying you do, but in general most do). Because of its connotations with the sort of so called 'love' we see and read about? Love is forever unconditional. It is not 'I love you, but'. That is not love. By love I mean compassion and caring irrespective of any looked for returns. If we are rejected then we go on our way, give our love to those who have rejected us, but still give.  Yes, it is easier said than done, but unless we make the effort then we can go on as we are. Good to have you with us.      Jon.

[Joeetaku 122]

I understand the feeling of want to hide. I've often felt that most of my problems would be solved if I didn't depend on other people to solve them, and that life would just be much simpler on my own. 

But I accept that's it's not fair for me to blame my problems on others in this way.

I've also come to realise that it's not all people I struggle with. There are people out there I do get on with, and recently, when I've been alone and struggling with anxiety, I've genuinely wanted to be them. People often talk about introverts spending energy by being others and extroverts gaining energy by being with others. I'm mostly introverted, sure, but there are certainly cases where others give me energy, and the more I think about my anxiety recently, the more I realise I need those people.

Sometimes when I'm anxious I just want to be alone so I can deal with it and calm down so I'm ready for life's next challenge. But it doesn't really work. The mind wonders, discovers new possibilities and makes itself more anxious. Sometimes the best way for me to escape this is to be with others.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Joe. I often think of the old saying. 'The pessimist's glass is half empty, the optimist's glass is half full'. It's how we see things is it not? Being alone is not being lonely; that is different. As you say, we often need time to be alone, to gather our thoughts and contemplate our situation and, hopefully, arrive at a way forward. Remarks made by those who don't know can hurt but this has to be kept in perspective. It is not their fault. When we were well did we understand? I didn't. I regarded anyone with so called 'nerves' as weak and childish, but I came down to earth with a bump. I needed teaching a lesson and, over the years, I have been thankful for it. Perhaps that is what it is all about, a teaching experience. I am sure it is.     Jon.

[jlmwz316 91]

one thing I've learned as I've gotten older, is how much we need each other - it is no fun being alone. when we are young we are alone even if we have lots of friends and acquaintances.   even the most social young person is very much alone. It isn't until you commit to someone, and agree to put up with someone day after day for the rest of your days, putting up with the good and the bad, and the ugly, being sick together, being angry with each other, making love with each other, and sharing everything that goes with intimacy that you realize how much you will need someone else to cling to as you grow older.   It took me a long time to learn this. so I will tell you this, it will take some time to realize it that being alone is not all its cracked up to be. We all need somebody to love, and to be loved by.  I am not just taking about marriage, it could be a very dear friend, someone who would take a bullet for you. such friends are rare, but they exist and take nurturing on both sides. such nurturing is not thinking you will give what you get.  there is no earning such a relationship, it is unconditional. when you have some one who takes you for what you are, and you take that person for who he or she is, with no strings attached, nothing conditional, not on how he or she makes me feel, but rather on who they are, judging them by the person they are, imperfections and all, than you have found the meaning of life.  when you can be with someone and live for someone for who they are rather than what they have or have not done for you, then you are a true friend, and have indeed made one for yourself.   such relationships exist. I love my wife in this way.  It wasn't until a year after our marriage, when we had the "stomach flu" together and were in our apartment for two weeks together literally throwing up every day in our first year of marriage, that I finally got it- this is what life is about!  when you have a child together and are up all night taking turns, particularly when the child is sick - then you really know.   when you are sick together. grieving together for a lost loved one together, then you know.  when I lost my cat, who had laid down beside me for 19 years every single night without exception.  my wife and I buried him together, and my wife felt every bit of grief I did.  I  feel blessed that I did have to go through that day alone.   Just hang in there and  look for someone in a place you least expect, who doesn't try to fix you, but is just there - present in the moment. not giving up on us, and fully expect to do the same, in fact perhaps be the first to do so,  then hang on to that person with everything you've got. nothing else we do really matters.

This post has been promoted to an article

[jonathan123 2368]

Hijlmwz. This has got to be, or comes close to, the nicest most understanding post  I have read, and it brought tears to my eyes. In fact there are no words to express my gratitude for it. My wife has read it and she used the word 'beautiful' and it is.These are my sentiments exactly. My wife and I have been married a long time and there is still much love but, above all, understanding. Without her throughout my GAD it is a certainty I would not be writing this now. Also the love and understanding I received from my therapist was of immense help. They both gave of themselves, and the therapy was freely given. The number of people I met as I began to recover gave me their love also. Why do we feel so embarrassed when we talk about loving each other? All the folk I have met on this site have taken the time and trouble to give of themselves freely. Whether we realise it or not that is love. If only, if only the rest of the world's inhabitants could love one another there would be paradise on earth. My wife and I  understand each other. So important. I think the breakdown of marriage occurs when there is no attempt to understand. Like life, marriage has to be worked at. There is such a desperate need for love, in fact the whole world is crying out for it. Thank you so much for your post.  Blessings.     Jon.

[Joeetaku 122]

Yeah, that was a beautiful post Being single all my life (largely because of my social anxiety!), it's hard to relate, but I know how important it is to have somebody who understands. When I had CBT, it wasn't just the therapy itself that helped, it was the fact that on a weekly basis I could talk to somebody who understood me, and who I knew wouldn't be critical of the thought process. I've missed having that, and I'm hopefully going to be getting therapy again soon.

And like Jon says, its great coming onto this site where there are even more people who understand. I joined because I realised I needed to be in contact with people who understood me, and already it's helping

[Bones0013 43]

Desperate Need For Love really hits home. Having a wife or husband that stands by you when you live with depression, anxiety and panic would be awesome. My husband of 26 years has totally rejected me. He doesn't understand any of these issues nor does he care to understand. Even though we still live together I am so lonely. We do not communicate in any way. I'm miserable. He manipulates and controls me in every possible way. I have lost all self worth. I am unable to work because of all my disabilities which makes it much easier to treat me this way. Oh what it would be to have my old self back again. Some days I still have hope but they are few and far between!

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Bones. After such a good post yours is a reminder that we are not all as lucky. Many like you have problems on a daily basis living with someone who does not understand and who does not want to. The lack of love and understanding in some people still surprises me, although it shouldn't. Don't lose your self worth. Whatever happens you have as much right to love, understanding and happiness as anyone else. No one should treat anyone other than with respect however difficult they think they are. The fact that they don't shows they themselves have a problem. Hope! Ah, a fleeting emotion. The fact that you feel it occasionally is something. Circumstances can change overnight, and often do so try not to despair. Can you make a life for yourself within the marriage? I mean have an interest other than being a homemaker? The web often provides a good escape route for lonely people. Is it possible to get friends to take you out? Look at all the possibilities. Keep some hope in your heart.     Jon.  

[jlmwz316 91]

Hi Bones, I've been thinking of something encouraging to say to you for the past two days. I feel for you and want to at least share a few things that may or may not make you feel better.  firstly,  all of us, me included have those days when we feel unappreciated, neglected, and even unloved.  When my wife is yelling at me, I sometimes pull out the anxiety card - "you are adding to my stress".   I can tell you that never goes over very well.   I am learning more and more, that acceptance of each other is what helps the most.  I mean acceptance without expectation. I accept that sometimes my wife doesn't understand when I am having a panic attack. sometimes she keeps yelling at me, right through it. I accept it, and I don't expect her to understand me completely.  She is the woman I fell in love with many years ago, and still cling to because without her I would be much more of a mess than I already am.  I know in my heart, she feels the same about me.  People who really care, actually need each other.  Even those of us, who reply on this site.  Helping you in a way is helping me. It helps us to get out of ourselves to see the other person's point of view.  So in your case, like it is my wife, I am sure your husband struggles inside with how to cope with an anxious partner, one who has extra needs. I am sure it is confusing, and not easy.  I wonder if it is as bad as you think it is. You are still together.  Do you have good days, good moments in time?   I find those good days come when I stop expecting them to happen. They occur often when we see to the other persons needs. For instance, when my wife is not mad at me for something I did or didn't do, at the spur of the moment, I do something to show her I am still very much in love with her.  I give her a hug, a long hug, and she'll ask why, and I'll say "no reason".   We have to try to do that EVERY DAY.  as much as possible.  Touch matters alot.  You have to find what touches your husband, and offer that to him. It may or may not be physical touch. It may be a gift, or an act of kindness, but something. offer something of yourself to him, and see how he responds. It may surprise you.  I fully believe if you stop expecting, and start accepting, that he will do the same for you, and sometimes, you have to initiate it.  Does it matter if you always have to initiate it. No. I don't think it does. Inside it helps you to do that. It helps you more than you know.  Your worth does not depend on what he thinks of you, or what anyone else thinks of you. Your worth depends on how you view yourself, and helping someone else, doing things for others, like the folks on this site do every day, does exactly that, it helps us to love ourselves.  You have to first love and care for yourself by caring for others.  Your worth does not depend on how others see you. It comes from within yourself.  If it helps, know there are folks here, me included and I can tell Jon is definitely one - who do care.  I am an anxious person, as many of us are. We understand this.  I have my own issues, and I am trying every day to get outside of myself to lose them, and it does indeed help. I accept where I am, and accept where others are. I accept the world as it is, and only expect to be comfortable in my own shoes. If you are comfortable in this way, you will find peace by reaching out to others, in a sort of circular way - the peace within you causes you to want to help, and by helping you will have much peace in your life. Jim

[jonathan123 2368]

Yes jlm. Another lovely insight into real understanding. What is better than a good hug from someone who understands. I wish we could hug those people who come on here in trouble. Alas, that is not possible at a distance, but a verbal hug may help. In a recent news item in the UK a young soldier was being awarded the Victoria Cross for bravery in Afghanistan. The VC is the highest award for bravery in the UK. He was a medic who had helped his comrades under fire. The General who presented him with it saluted, as did the soldier then, to my amazement, the General gave the soldier a hug. Now when I was in the army that would have resulted in all sorts of problems, but in this case it was spontaneous and with feeling. It raised my rather low feeling about humanity in general to a higher level. A simple act like that must have touched many. It is the little things that matter; the smile; the pat on the back; the acknowledgement that we have helped; just being there and companionship. Real love is a simple act. But what so many find difficult is that it means giving of ourselves: in anxiety we retreat into ourselves and there seems to be a vacuum where there was once love. It is difficult to love when we are so introspective. So to those who feel they can't love when in anxiety I would say, give it time. Love can't be suppressed by anxiety for long, it is much too powerful for that.      Jon.

[Bria 7]

I really like the fact that my negative post turned into something as refered to as "beautiful" it quite is... As I said people do stem my anxiety but the fact that people also show me sometimes that not everyone is "hateful" and mean... I just want to see more of people being kind to each other not for gain of anything other than just being kind to someone.. Lately a long lately I see nothing other than people being ruffe, mean, hateful, cruel to each other.. That hurts because trying to be a good person is toned by the negatively of bad people.. I do understand that maybe bad people as I see them may be from "discomfort" in their own lives that they too are lashing out at... It's hard to know what someone else is going through.. People tend to put their own emotions before others.. I too am guilty of that.. What I think I'm trying to say is it's good to see a little good.. Like was said the post was beautiful.. Thank you

[Bria 7]

Sorry I'm replying on my phone so some words may be not what I intended...

[Bria 7]

Hopefully you get my point

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Bria. You are a sensitive person, as most people who suffer anxiety are, so you will feel more of the worlds troubles than most. We live in the world of the pairs of opposites. Light/dark. Happy/miserable. Wet/dry etc. It is like a coin with two sides. Where one is the other will be present. Normally they balance one another out but in anxiety we go to the extreme in our reactions and find it difficult to see anything other than the dark side. But the light side is still there though unrecognised at that moment. 'Look on the bright side' they say. Oh yes; that's fine if you don't suffer . In anxiety there is often no 'bright side' to look on. BUT, it is still there, it has to be if we can see the principle of the pairs of opposites. Never give up hope. However dark the day the faint light of hope is always there. Despair drags us down; hope lifts us up. Hope/despair. See what I mean?   There are many loving kind people around, Bria. When I see the Salvation Army girls going around London at night with bowls of soup for the homeless, it lifts my spirits.   Love, Good, can never be quenched by the unkind people we often see. Never.   But the old journalist's saying comes to mind. 'Good news is not news'.  We hear so much of the bad and very little of the good.                          Jon.