limper 0 Posted December 10, 2013 i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in november, 2011, but had been experiencing the symptoms of it for much longer before. the past 6 years, my social life has been alternating between having a couple friends, and going through long stretches with no friends whatsoever. at first, the lack of friends was because i wasn't able to control my feelings, whether it was me overwhelming people i had just met with affection, or me blowing up and raging at the few people that still hung around and cared about me. now i feel more in control of my outward expression towards people, but at the cost of having to almost bottle my feelings until i have to let them out not with affection or rage but by pushing everyone away and punishing myself. i feel feelings a lot stronger and faster than most people do. i also have a lot of very extreme black and white thinking and can be very easily disillusioned. i feel like if im not very important to someone, then there is no point in having any association with them at all. if i feel unimportant or ignored by somebody i care about i'll immediately become numb and indifferent towards them until i feel acknowledged or needed again, at which point id go back to basically loving the person. on top of that just a lot of drastic impulsivity even as a result of the most inconsequential things. i just feel very lonely, and learning my lessons is coming slowly. can anybody relate at all? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
becca 3 Posted December 10, 2013 hey i can relate, kind of. Iv been thinking i have bpd, but im not really sure. Your not alone, there is lots of people here you can talk too. I feel like i feel feelings intensily too and my moods can change suddenly too. It can be very frustrating. The smallest thing can make me angry too and i hate if im left alone. Pushing people away is something i can do and i agree afterwards ill blame myself, I get very frustrated with myself and when i become like that i often have lead to self harm. Emotions can be strong. Do you see a therapist at all? I no things are tough but please dont feel lonely, if you ever want to talk just message me..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2367 Posted December 11, 2013 Hi limper and a warm welcome to AC. What is personality disorder? This is a rhetorical question because I know what it says in the text books. But to me it means you react differently to other people in situations where a 'normal' (whatever that means) response would be more appropriate. But who says this is necessarily wrong? It means that your feelings are normal but greatly exaggerated. Who doesn't blow hot and cold? Who doesn't feel happy one day and down the next. This is being human, surely. It seems you have a good grasp of what is causing the way you feel and understanding is a powerful tool in any anxiety disorder. I can't relate directly to your problem but I do know what it is like to swing back and forth between hope and despair. Not very pleasant! Becca has already related to you and I am sure there are others on the site that have your experience. Please don't regard labels as something important. We all get labelled at some stage and I think it is wrong because then we are expected to behave in a certan way and when we don't we are regarded as something odd. An exercise.......... Can you imagine yourself being like the bob weight on the pendulum of a grandfather clock. Swinging ever back and forward between the pairs of opposites. Good, bad; light, dark; hope, despair. Now put yourself at the fulcrum. That is where the pendulum is attached. It doesn't move but watches the bob swinging back and forth. That is how our minds should be. Aware of the movement BUT NOT MOVED BY IT. Difficult? I know. Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gilly 1086 Posted December 11, 2013 Hi limper, welcome to AC Even people who don't suffer BPD will relate in one way or another to you, I hope we are able to offer you some support and somewhere to talk where you feel comfortable. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
limper 0 Posted December 14, 2013 hey i can relate, kind of. Iv been thinking i have bpd, but im not really sure. Your not alone, there is lots of people here you can talk too. I feel like i feel feelings intensily too and my moods can change suddenly too. It can be very frustrating. The smallest thing can make me angry too and i hate if im left alone. Pushing people away is something i can do and i agree afterwards ill blame myself, I get very frustrated with myself and when i become like that i often have lead to self harm. Emotions can be strong. Do you see a therapist at all? I no things are tough but please dont feel lonely, if you ever want to talk just message me..... i don't have a therapist, no. i used to take medications but have stopped cause had some bad reactions before and don't want to risk doing any more harm to my body. i feel like maybe if people understood better that i meant well with my feelings, maybe if they could somehow understand that i feel feelings very quickly and strongly, it would be easier for me to deal with. but as it is, most people don't understand and as a result can be pretty judgmental and mean about it, as if i did something to intentionally hurt them. does me being whats probably just overly nice really warrant the same reaction that one would get for being a complete jerk? its sad and pathetic to me that what seems like most people now are seriously grouping those together, just based on their own insecure suspicions. course that's me being judgmental right back then. but its just like if im being too nice and it makes you feel uncomfortable or wary then just say so. it isn't like im coming at you with a knife. do you see a therapist though? have you spoken to anyone about you thinking you might have bpd? Hi limper, welcome to AC Even people who don't suffer BPD will relate in one way or another to you, I hope we are able to offer you some support and somewhere to talk where you feel comfortable. thanks gilly. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
becca 3 Posted December 14, 2013 i no what you mean and im sorry its like that.... you sound really fed up which is understandble. M im seeing a pyscologist for the 1st time this monday. Iv seen a CBT therapist a few months ago but i got reffered to the pyscolgoist instead as it wasnt really working to well. I'm not sure if the new therapist will think i have it but i do feel like its highly possible. I don't no anyone with BPD but I think i could have it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gilly 1086 Posted December 14, 2013 Best of luck on monday becca, I hope it goes well Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
