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davide.h

I'm having suicidal thoughts

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I doubt I'll be brave enough to actually do anything, but the thoughts themselves are there. I genuinely feel my absence would not matter to most people. 

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Please don’t do anything.  A friend recently lost her daughter to suicide and it was devastating.  I know it can be hard we are living in such stressful times but you are a blessing and you will be a blessing to someone else I promise you.  Put one foot in front of the other it’s not much but it is enough, you are enough.

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The best thing you can do is get people around you.  People who know you, love you, and encourage you.  The right kind of people.  There is no shame in feeling depressed or down, especially with the world today.  There is so much beauty in our world and you are part of that beauty.  You are unique and intricate.  Nothing and no one is like you are.  Trust me, better days are coming.  I will pray for you today.

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One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Tell someone, ask for help, don’t try to get thru it alone. It may seem like nobody cares but most people live life without expressing their feeling, appreciation, love, etc because they just assume those things/people will always be there. Reach out to someone whether it’s a close friend, an acquaintance, or even a hotline if you can’t bring yourself to call someone you know. There is help out there! 

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I had a friend of mine once who attempted suicide but failed. He told me that the psychiatric nurse in the hospital told him it will aggravate people more if you are alive as if you are not around, you will be forgotten pretty quickly. This guy had a real string of bad luck. He lost his job, his wife cheated on him, which he actually witnessed and then he got in a car accident. The pressure got too much for him, so he tried to hang himself, but someone walked in on him and stopped it. He got the proper treatment and is doing OK now. 

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I try to put things in perspective. Everyone feels beaten up and down sometimes. Some more then others. I have a client of mine who has an organization that helps people with disabilities. I was there last year and saw a young man with no arms and had fingers coming out of his shoulders. When he went to eat, he would stick his head in the plate and eat like a dog would. He drank out of a straw. He has a decent attitude and has a job. Another woman there is blind and is a dwarf. She takes the bus everyday to a job. Her attitude is pretty good also. There is a person I know who has MS. He is in his 50's. He used to be a workout guru and was a tough guy. Now he used sticks to walk and wobbles like a top. He swims everyday and credits that with keeping him out of a wheel chair. His attitude is pretty good too. I could go on and on. When I see these people, my problems  don't seem near as bad as I think they are. 

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I will tell a few more stories. When I was younger, I lived at one time with 2 other guys. One of them was a manager at a storage facility. Three men were storing drugs in one of the units, which my friend did not know about. In the middle of the night, 2 of the men came and removed the drugs and left. My friend at the time was newly married and had a 9 month old baby. The remaining man came in the next day and of course found his drugs were missing and confronted my friend and accused him of taking them. My friend of course knew nothing about the contents of the unit, but was shot and killed over the missing items. He was only 29 at the time. I went to the funeral and it was horrific and his wife really never fully recovered and passed away years later at 46 from lung cancer and never smoked. Other family members took care of the child. The family who lost there son had another son who passed away from a brain tumor as a teenager. My wife had a sister who passed away from a brain tumor at the age of 6. Her mother never recovered and used to check my wife's eyes all of the time as her daughter who passed away became cross eyes from the tumor. I had a client of mine who had a benign brain tumor come back twice and he thank goodness is fine. I had another client of mine who got run over by a tractor trailer as he was getting out of his van and after extensive rehab, he is much better now. It is amazing he survived at all and they never caught the person who ran him over. So again,. it is best to try to put things in perspective, as things could always be worse. 

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Last set of stories, I promise. I had another client who was in her mid 70's. She was walking in a shopping center parking lot, when she was run over by a car and was dragged a bit on the parking lot. The person tried to get away, but was stopped. Her left foot became somewhat detached from her leg and she was taken to University of Maryland shock trauma and her foot was re-attached and after extensive rehab she is much better now. A client of mine's brother in law had just retired at 71 and was diagnosed with ALS. He lived 3 years and passed away. In 1998 I was in a horrific head on collision. I was driving a 1990 Pontiac Grand Prix traveling from a client on 70 east back to Baltimore from Frederick. A car stopped in front of me suddenly and I swerved to avoid it and I went off the road and hydroplaned on the grassy area and hit a pickup truck head on at a fairly high rate of speed. The truck was stopped in the turn around area. You may laugh, but as I was headed toward the truck, I tried to stop but could not and I saw my whole life pass in front of me from childhood to the then present time, before impact as I thought I was a goner. The impact was massive and my car was totaled. Amazingly, I was not hurt badly. When I was around 20, I fell from a ladder and I injured my back. I went to the hospital and it turned out I had a compression fracture of the T-10 or 11 vertebrae. I was hospitalized for 6 days and had to wear a back brace for a few months, until it healed. To this day, the fracture still shows up on X-rays, even though it has healed many years ago. Again, it is best to try to put things in perspective. 

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I'm now at home, glad it's friday but also not so glad. Weekends usually means less structure. Listening to the rain is relaxing though even if it does cause me to lose power on occasion. 

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11 minutes ago, davide.h said:

I'm now at home, glad it's friday but also not so glad. Weekends usually means less structure. Listening to the rain is relaxing though even if it does cause me to lose power on occasion. 

Where was you all week? I hope the rain helps soothe you and that you don't loose power!

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Nowhere. Just living my life as usual. 

On 8/3/2020 at 4:46 PM, sTeaLth said:

The best thing you can do is get people around you.  People who know you, love you, and encourage you.  The right kind of people.  There is no shame in feeling depressed or down, especially with the world today.  There is so much beauty in our world and you are part of that beauty.  You are unique and intricate.  Nothing and no one is like you are.  Trust me, better days are coming.  I will pray for you today.

 

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