BejeweledMexican 32 Posted July 26, 2019 So I decided to do something that was going to help my anxiety instead of hurt it....I applied for graduate school and much to my delight...I WAS ACCEPTED! I was so excited to finally leave this toxic anxiety inducing environment that I'm currently working in and going back to learning (an activity I very much enjoy).....and then I realized I need a TB test before I can go. RUINED MY DAY. I'm terrified of the doctor so of course red warning flags went up in my brain QUICK! I finally calmed myself down with things like 'I've had a TB test before and it was fine' and 'TB is very uncommon' but then I google...trying to help myself but instead hurting myself...and this is what it said "When TB wakes up and gets into the lungs, it eats them from the inside out, slowly diminishing their capacity, causing the chest to fill up with blood and the liquidy remains of the lungs." Great. Just these past 3 days I've been feeling like I can't take a deep breath, my chest is tight, and my lungs feel heavy....LIKE THEY'RE FILLED WITH LIQUID! Ugh I'm such a mess now. This morning I went from worrying about pneumonia and metastatic cancer to the lungs to worrying about TB! How. In. The. World. And now I have to stay here at this toxic job, not get to go to college, all because of stupid TB and anxiety...ugh....starting to hate my life. I don't want to be like this! And of course my therapist is on vacation..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bin_tenn 1252 Posted July 26, 2019 If your fear of a doctor and the irrational thoughts about a TB test are going to prevent you from doing something for yourself (school), I think it's time to take a more aggressive approach in treating your anxiety. It's one thing to experience some irrational thoughts and feel fearful, but it's another when those thoughts and fear begin running your life like this. You're the only one with the power to get the help you need, and I strongly encourage you to do so. See a different therapist in the meantime, while yours is on vacation. Or see your primary doc about the anxiety. Or book an appointment with a psychiatrist. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BejeweledMexican 32 Posted July 26, 2019 3 minutes ago, bin_tenn said: If your fear of a doctor and the irrational thoughts about a TB test are going to prevent you from doing something for yourself (school), I think it's time to take a more aggressive approach in treating your anxiety. It's one thing to experience some irrational thoughts and feel fearful, but it's another when those thoughts and fear begin running your life like this. You're the only one with the power to get the help you need, and I strongly encourage you to do so. See a different therapist in the meantime, while yours is on vacation. Or see your primary doc about the anxiety. Or book an appointment with a psychiatrist. It sounds so easy, doesn't it? I guess I just get confused. Other people here seem to get so much support and love and I do a lot of times too but more recently it's like people are saying 'Uh....you're a hot mess.....get out of here and go to a psych ward' when I see other people having the same fears as me. Is it something that I'm doing? I'm not s*****al, I just hate doctors. I'm not saying you're wrong, I wish it was easy to just go see a psychiatrist but I don't have those kind of finances. I'm just curious if I give off some sort of vibe or something. You only see the computer side of me but in reality I really am trying to better myself and make strides to get better and I've come a long way from where I was. I'm just curious as to like....what is it about me?? Is it something more than health anxiety? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bin_tenn 1252 Posted July 26, 2019 2 minutes ago, BejeweledMexican said: It sounds so easy, doesn't it? I guess I just get confused. Other people here seem to get so much support and love and I do a lot of times too but more recently it's like people are saying 'Uh....you're a hot mess.....get out of here and go to a psych ward' when I see other people having the same fears as me. Is it something that I'm doing? I'm not s*****al, I just hate doctors. I'm not saying you're wrong, I wish it was easy to just go see a psychiatrist but I don't have those kind of finances. I'm just curious if I give off some sort of vibe or something. You only see the computer side of me but in reality I really am trying to better myself and make strides to get better and I've come a long way from where I was. I'm just curious as to like....what is it about me?? Is it something more than health anxiety? I'm not judging you. None of that here. I just care and want to see you get help. It's not the fact that you're worried and have anxiety, and it isn't that many of your fears are the same as others who post. That's not the issue. The issue is that, at least from the impression I get, you aren't doing much to truly help yourself. There's only so much we can do to help. No amount of reassurance we offer will help you in the long run. And this doesn't only apply to you, it applies to all of us - myself included. We're here to support you and share experiences and offer the best advice we have. But that only goes so far. The forums are no replacement for professional help. It can't give you everything you need to get better. I've been there before. I posted about some really outlandish crap frequently in the AZ days, and I also posted about some fears that, while irrational, had some legitimacy behind them. But no matter what it was, I'm told none of it is true, nothing I've ever feared has been true. Whether serious or not. When I had an afib episode, I had ZERO thoughts about "maybe I should post on the forum to feel better." My first INSTINCT was to call 911. I did, and it's a good thing I did. Please PM me any time, we can chat. I care and want to see you get better. For yourself and your loved ones. I don't want to see you or anyone else let this stupid anxiety ruin your life. It isn't worth it, and it'll only hurt you in the long run. It's not a life I would wish on anyone. My inbox is always open. Ask anyone who's PM'd me before, in case you have doubts about it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BejeweledMexican 32 Posted July 26, 2019 2 minutes ago, bin_tenn said: I'm not judging you. None of that here. I just care and want to see you get help. It's not the fact that you're worried and have anxiety, and it isn't that many of your fears are the same as others who post. That's not the issue. The issue is that, at least from the impression I get, you aren't doing much to truly help yourself. There's only so much we can do to help. No amount of reassurance we offer will help you in the long run. And this doesn't only apply to you, it applies to all of us - myself included. We're here to support you and share experiences and offer the best advice we have. But that only goes so far. The forums are no replacement for professional help. It can't give you everything you need to get better. I've been there before. I posted about some really outlandish crap frequently in the AZ days, and I also posted about some fears that, while irrational, had some legitimacy behind them. But no matter what it was, I'm told none of it is true, nothing I've ever feared has been true. Whether serious or not. When I had an afib episode, I had ZERO thoughts about "maybe I should post on the forum to feel better." My first INSTINCT was to call 911. I did, and it's a good thing I did. Please PM me any time, we can chat. I care and want to see you get better. For yourself and your loved ones. I don't want to see you or anyone else let this stupid anxiety ruin your life. It isn't worth it, and it'll only hurt you in the long run. It's not a life I would wish on anyone. My inbox is always open. Ask anyone who's PM'd me before, in case you have doubts about it. So you think it's better to run to the doctor when something goes wrong? I've always been told the opposite! That's where I think some of my confusion is. I'm not sure which is the correct route to take and let's be honest, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bin_tenn 1252 Posted July 26, 2019 No, but visit your primary doc to discuss your anxiety and possible treatment. Since you can't see your therapist for a while. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mollyfin 366 Posted July 26, 2019 If you don't want to see the doctor because you usually run to them nonstops and you're looking to break a reassurance cycle, it's reasonable. If you don't want to see the doctor because your anxiety is preventing you from doing so, it's just another form of HA taking over your life, just like those of us who run to the doctor over every little thing in case it really is the plague this time. Same anxiety, different manifestation. There's really a limit to the help that can be offered here. Few if any of us are medical professionals. We can offer support, but the only things we can suggest are things that have worked for us. You seem very conscious of the toxic cycle your brain is stuck in, and that's good - but if none of our advice is helping you break it, you need to find someone with better advice. I very rarely suggest inpatient care for anyone who isn't s*****al and I wouldn't suggest it now, but I do think you need to find someone who has an education and experience treating these things. Since your therapist isn't around right now, do they have someone covering for them who might either be able to help you temporarily or point you to someone who can? If you were talking to someone else who was saying "I got into grad school - " (which is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT, btw, congratulations!) "but I can't go because I'm afraid the TB test I need to attend will bring bad news," would you agree that it sucked but they should stay at the job they hate just in case they got bad news, when they could be doing what they love? Or would you be encouraging them to find every possible method of attack against the mental illness that's controlling their lives? People here like you; no one wants to see you miserable! I think we've all had those times where the fears kept coming and nothing we did seemed to help, and I think we've all at least gotten the "Okay, I know we're all crazy, but you're being crazy" talk from someone else at least once! God knows I've gotten a few. I doubt anyone's judging you negatively. BTW I know someone who had TB when they were little. They're fine. As with most things we fear, the reality is rarely a worst-case scenario. So if your test were to come back positive, you wouldn't be doomed. You would get treatment. (I mean I do sympathize with how disgustingly expensive medical care is in this country and paying for that would be its own kettle of fish, but in terms of "not wanting to know if you have a terminal disease," this one's probably more of a molehill than a mountain.) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Iugrad91 501 Posted July 26, 2019 I get what Binn is saying and I agree we all try to post here out of concern for one another. But when it starts to control your life and prevent you from doing things like going back to school because of a TB test, then I agree it’s time to get some additional help for your anxiety. I can only speak for myself, my anxiety sucks at times and it can make me crabby, but I do everything other folks without anxiety do like travel (I don’t like flying but it doesn’t keep me from going places) adventurous stuff like zip lining over the rain forest in Costa Rica, swimming in the ocean, going downtown to Chicago (all the news talks about are how many people are shot each weekend ☹️) eating out, etc... weird list I know but I was trying to think of things some avoid because of fears. I don’t let my anxiety stop me from living life. You seem to be letting your anxiety control everything you do. That’s just not healthy or sustainable. Health anxiety is a type of OCD, and the more you feed into it the less it will allow you to do because your fears will continue to overwhelm you. I know you hate doctors, but I think you need to talk to one about your anxiety so they can point you in the right direction for help. It may be that you need more than therapy as a treatment, like a low dose med which, along with therapy, can help in the beginning of treatment. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
armeade25 133 Posted July 27, 2019 Hey girl! I read through this thread and thought you could use a little love/support from someone who has been through similar struggles and (somewhat) overcome them. I've had really, really bad anxiety lately, but have largely overcome the worst of it. I slip now and then, but am in a much better place than I was a few years ago. I think sometimes when we hear that we should seek professional help, it can be really hard to see it as anything but a personal attack. I don't want you to feel like anyone here is judging you. I truly believe everyone's thoughts and advice come from a positive, loving place. We all go about it a different way, but we're all truly rooting for you and for each other. I'm also going to second what @mollyfin said and reiterate -- HOLY WOW YOU GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! That is a massive accomplishment. I've seen you on this forum for a while and while we haven't become friends yet, I'm SO EXCITED FOR YOU. I graduated from grad school a few years ago and going was the best thing I ever did for myself. I got to leave a job I hated (YAY) and also got to graduate with a degree I'm proud of (YAY) and now have a job I love (super YAY). I want the same for you x100. I also want you to know that I had to take a TB test before school, too. I was nervous, same as you. I remember having a lot of the same thoughts you did. In fact, I remember posting in this very forum about how I was having trouble breathing a few days prior to my test (a shout out goes to @bin_tenn who is an incredibly supportive, rational mind around here who reminded me that I was okay and that I should seek help from a therapist which I did). I went through the TB test on the day I was supposed to, didn't have TB (which I wasn't super worried about - and I'm not worried about you either - you do not have TB), and got to have the best and most rewarding couple years of school. You are going to get through this, and when you do, a world of amazing opportunities are waiting for you. Like an awesome grad school experience. So let's do this TB test - if I did it, I know you can too. Message me any time - I'm here for you, as are so many others. I can't wait to hear about school! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Iugrad91 501 Posted July 27, 2019 I think we also know you are so young and many of us on here are older and have lived with anxiety a long time. I personally would hate to see you suffer for many years with something that can be treatable and manageable! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites