Pain, anxiety, panic, fear, NON-STOP!

[MissyfitXx 0]

Seriously I feel like a ticking time bomb and even the moment I feel the slightest bit of pleasure my brain makes me feel like I don't deserve to feel any pleasure or be happy at all and it's so short-lived and I am truly convinced that I was put on this planet to suffer. I'm literally a nervous wreck! I don't know where to turn, I don't know what to do! I feel completely lost and alone. I don't understand anything anymore. I laugh randomly and talk to myself. I have to motivate myself with all my might to accomplish even the smallest of tasks e.g. Brushing my teeth, straightening my hair, etc. I have constant migraines. I'm like a ticking time BOMB and the slightest smallest little thing is gonna make me burst out in tears and cry and cry and panic, sweat and panic! My mind races with painful horrific flashbacks and horrendous memories which my brain won't stop reminding me of! I ask myself everyday, "Why do I do it! Why do I remind myself of what happened to me!", but it honestly feels like these racing thoughts aren't in my control at all and that my brain just wants me to suffer and suffer, even worse than the people who traumatised me to the state that I'm in everyday. There's no enjoyment in anything. I even have to motivate myself to listen to music and watch TV. I don't know where to turn! It's like I'm stuck in a well, calling out for help and there's no-one around! It's like I'm a zebra out in the open with a pack of hyenas. It's like I'm screaming, screaming AND SCREAMING and no-one can hear me! What do I do! There's no way out! I feel so hopeless and helpless.

[jonathan123 2368]

Missy, have you done what we suggested, seen your GP. YOU MUST. Are you afraid of medication? There is no need for all this suffering. Medication can help you out of a hole. You need immediate help so go and get it. NOW. Stop trying to do it on your own. It is not possible and foolish to try. PLEASE promise me you will get help now. Doctors are so used to the problems you have.   J.

[Gilly 1086]

Missy I was there too, honestly. I know how you feel, a lot of us do. You aren't crazy or destined to suffer. You are a nervous wreck indeed but it doesn't mean you won't feel better. Please do go see your GP, as soon as possible. You can feel better, meds, counselling, CBT, you have these things at your disposal to help, they can. Give them chance to. 

[MissyfitXx 0]

Thank you for your kind advice guys. Since writing that comment I have to say while I still experience some of them overwhelming feelings they are I fact much milder indeed. I can't explain. Maybe it's the 200mg 5HTP I have been taking twice a day. I have been taking them 10 days now and I feel much better than I did last week. I think that they really might be getting into my system. When I wrote that comment it was no less than a week after I and stopped taking my SSRIs (20mg Citilopram). Looking back I think it was more of the withdrawal affects of coming off the SSRIs that made my anxiety and panic attacks even WORSE. I have to say I am not on top of the world. I still feel like a ticking time bomb. I still feel like I'm "waiting" to just feel better and be cured completely but I know in my heart that probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. While I have been taking the SSRIs everyday and thinking , "In a week from now they will work even better and I will probably feel really happy by then". This is sort of an optimistic way to look at things but it's also counterproductive. I have to say I am more motivated at the moment. I am going to a group therapy session on Friday run by Mind. Although it's on the NHS and it's free, so it's not going to be as good quality as a privately paid therapist, I still will give it a shot. I got nothing to lose and wow! I actually feel really motivated all of a sudden. I have also been taking L-Tyrosine 1000mg a day, they help to release dopamine. I get plenty of essential fats and oils into my diet as well as fruit and veg. I take my vitamins and drink plenty of water. I just need to incorporate more exercise into my diet.

[JOYCICLE 654]

It'll get better Missy ! It doesn't stay horrible forever and it sounds like youi're moving forward. A bit of advice and it is a little bit hard to follow but please try this for me. Don't 'analyze' how you feel when you've been on a new med or therapy for a week. I see a lot of folks do that .  Two days after they start something new, they dissect down each feeling, thought and emotion and try to gauge if it is better, worse or the same as 2 days ago. That's a dead end street !  Also no meds are supposed to work until after many days or weeks, like 30 or so it seems. So if you can try to not think on how you feel on the new stuff daily and see if cumulatively it's not a different story in 2 or 3 more weeks !  You'll make it. Hang in there. We're all here for u ! 

[jonathan123 2368]

Wonderful Missy. I detect a real note of optimism in your post. The DESIRE to move forward is so important and it is there, isn't it? Joy is so right. There is no 'quick fix' in this illness. To anxiously wait for some effect whether from medication or a therapy is, as Joy says, a dead end street.  You have to take it a day at a time; an hour at a time if necessary. No one can force recovery it will take it's own time but the duration of that time depends on your willingness to go forward. Do as much as you can willingly. That's the secret and accept for the moment how you feel. But only for the moment. You WILL get better. Group therapy can help a lot and please do not regard it as second best. It can bring you in touch with those who have recovered or are recovering and that can give you hope which is so necessary .MIND are a great organisation and  have helped thousands of people get well They KNOW all about the illness from which we suffer and you will get some good advice. In the UK your doctor can prescribe CBT although, as I understand it, there can be a waiting list. No one is destined to suffer. We suffer because we have lost our way. We are in a maze and cannot see a way out. Frightening as you know.  But the way out is always there and you WILL find it, rest assured. Good luck with the therapy session and let us know how you get on.    Blessings.     J.

[nutcass 0]

Hi Missy!  I am glad to hear that you seem to be feeling at least a little bit better!  I just wanted to really advocate exercise!  It has helped me in so many ways!  You feel better emotionally from the chemicals in your brain being released but once you do it for a while you will start feeling better about your body too!  If you have the patience or discipline I highly recommend walking or running while listening classical music.  The complicated musical intricacies help get the serotonin flowing and helps create new healthy connections in the brain!   

[spider 0]

Hi Missy I am also going through a hard time and one thing I was taught to help with the constant negative thoughts was not to try and stop them but to imagine a switch and that I could just turn the volume down just a little on the thoughts and then a little more until they were much more quiet and not so overpowering . It helps me might not work for you but you could give it a try .

Spider

[JOYCICLE 654]

I like that Spider. It's hard to turn them off. The last few times I've been in a rough spot I've been doing a meditation type word , only in my mind, but if I focus on that word, it gives me a few seconds to several seconds of a break and often that little break is enough to get on through. 

[arethamorce 1]

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