spider

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  1. I managed to write down something for my t to read today so we could open a discussion on the name she called me as I was scared but we managed to talk through and I didn't completely understand what had happened last session as when things get scary and I feel my T is shouting a lot is from my past and is transference we figured out, and I get lost in my memories and felt my T is shouting like in my childhood and my T was happy that I managed to push pass my fear and speak up so we could clearly see what was happening and work through it together it took a lot of courage to do that but as I told her don't want to always live in fear and if I don't try then nothing will change . I also managed to talk briefly about how upset I was feeling about the maternity leave and how bad I felt for feeling bad , it was hard to talk but she understood and said I had everyright to feel upset as it was upsetting and she was also upset and finding it hard and that was ok and we had time to talk through it and deal with the emotions and find a way to make sure I have tools and ways to cope . It was a good session I think it helped for me to write out my anxiety here and see it clearly and find the confidence to tell my T so she understood .
  2. I was doing ok managing and coping but the last few months everything has just started falling and collapsing all around me things are so difficult and getting harder everyday. It feels like I am being punished and loosing more and more and like more and more is being thrown my way and I keep trying to cope with all the extra things but it's an impossible load to carry and more and more is added and I keep thinking why is this happening I keep fighting but more and more is added and I loose more and more and I am thinking now maybe I am meant to give up maybe this is my punishment and more and more will be added until I give up fighting and just stop and letting it win . I titled the post as I am upset and lost as my T is going to go on maternity leave, she told me a few moths ago she was pregnant and I didn't talk to her how I felt as I couldn't , then a big thing happened regarding a large past bill that was handed to me just before my session one day out of the blue . I had the previous year been revealing a lot of childhood memories in session and had been zoned out a lot to cope so I had no idea about payment and no one asked me so I assumed I has payed it but when I was handed a bill nearly a year later for thousands of pounds and told I need to pay it otherwise my therapy would stop I was so embrassed and ashamed to sit there and feel like a thief i always pay my bills and I felt so ashamed like I was dishonest but I couldn't say I had no idea if I had payed or not as they would think me wired as I know I am when I zoom out and loose days at a time to cope with my pain , I had to go straight into see my T after getting the bill and I was so upset but I know before she doesn't talk about money so I couldn't tell her what was going on and I just sat there with a raging storm going on in my head then I thought I bet she knows and I asked her and she did I was so upset she had let me sit there struggling and she knew why I was upset I felt even more ashamed and told her I would have to end therapy as I couldn't see how I could carry on , I missed a few sessions but I felt so sad I was loosing her over money so we skyped and she said she wasn't mad at me so I managed to go back but I have sat in silence for 4 sessions as I am to scared to talk and to trust her and I am so fearful to let the words out as it doesn't feel safe I am scared of what will happened . My last session She gave me a list of dates printed out as she said she had also been avoiding discussing her maternity leave, we did speak briefly back when she told me she was pregnant and she said she was going to take 6 weeks maternity leave and I thought it was long but could of been worst if it wS longer but when I looked at the paper it showed she was of for the summer July 10th and she had said we can dicusss having Skype session up until August 12th and then she would be back of maternity leave around mid to end November . I still couldn't talk so I just sat there so sad trying to hold my emotions in to hold back the tears that were filling my body with so much pain it hurt . It was so much longer then 6 weeks it was Months and months and I would not have any contact anyone to talk to anyone to help me . My T was abandoning me and the time as she knows but obviously can't help couldn't be worst as I am leaving my job and work country of 9 years in October I am leaving the kids I have looked after for 9 years all this is happening and I will not have my T help to support me through all this change . I am leaving this country and returning to UK after being away for years and I am so scared and anxious about this big change I am all readyy so stressed how I will cope I have so much to face moving back to my home country and getting a new job and the shock of being back in UK for good and the loss of the kids who I love dearly and losing my T and her support it all seems so much to cope and I don't think I can so much keeps getting added to my loss and my load and stress keeps getti bigger and I don't know how much longe I can carry on Carring such a heavy load before I collapses and break down. I can't tell my T as its all about her and I can't get any words out as I am scared she will shout at me again and call me names again so I sit there in session feeling so stupid not being able to getting any words out the fear is so great I can't talk I can't trust I get so cross with myself if I start to cry . I want to be strong as I know she has to go on maternity leave and I told her in an email (which she ignored which hurt and told me she won't accept my email as she won't do two kinds of therapy what ever that means ) that how can I tell her how I feel she is leaving me when I need her so much as she is going to do something great to be a good mum and spend time with her baby how can I be so selfish when she is just being a good mum and looking after her baby . So my sessions are running out and I can't feel safe enough to talk to my T and have spent the last 4 sessions unable to talk so many questions in my head but my fear won't let them past my lips so I sit in silence with everything trapped in my head and I see the clock and panic sets in as I know my sessions is coming to an end and I try harder to talk but the fear is so great I fail and feel even worst as I know I have to leave and wait till my next session when I will try again to talk only to fail again .
  3. Sorry I don't know why I could not see anything I was typing when trying to do this post .
  4. Hi Megan How are you doing now can you post again how you are doing thinking of you. Talking about how you are feeling will help and I find posting up here really helps me when I need to talk and can't really tell anyone how I am feeling in person. Regarding the cuts get some steri strips I understand why you don't want to go to the hospital but you must make sure any cuts you have are cared for and kept clean at home. Hope things have calmed a little at home be strong . Hugs
  5. Thanks all it's been a rough few days but I kept on telling myself they are only thoughts and I am in control of them . I have started back on my meds again the rash did go down not sure if it was the meds or could of been something I ate I was allergic to but I think its important I take the meds to help me fight of the depression and if the rash comes back I will cope. I did a drawing for my T to see as I couldn't tell her how I was feeling it was of me as a silhouette stuck on top of a cliffs surrounded by black and below was dark black water and there was no way down from the cliff and I was all alone as that's how I was feeling so alone and stuck in a place where no one could help me . My T noticed that there was a little sliver of sun in my picture in the sky in the blackness she always notices the positive I don't really think when I draw I just draw what I am feeling but as she says I put it there so she says there was the sun which was the positivity in the picture and although I don't feel it it's there and it's just about letting it shine a little bit more. I am feeling better today still don't want to get out of bed but I don't feel like I did a few days ago I feel more in control thanks everyone for the supportive comments it really helps when you feel alone just to read a few lines of support it can make all the difference . Spider
  6. I'm really not doing well right now I am trying to keep telling my self they are only thoughts and I don't have to act on them but it's really hard as I can't think of any reason not to . I have had enough of feeling like this . My psychatrists told me to stop takiing my antidepresents 3 days ago I have been taking Faverin I started on 25mg then increased to 50mg and last week increased to 100mg but i developed a itchy rash that comes and goes and it got worst with the increase in meds it seems so when I phoned doc she told me to stop taking them to see if the rash stopped. The crying has started again and I just don't have the strength to go through it again . I can't tell my therpist how I feel as last time when it got bad before the new meds and I had S feelings and intentions she was close to putting me in hospital and I am so afraid of hospitals as she knows so she didn't but she told me in a roundabout way that she was not trained to deal with what I was going through and she told someone else and this really upset me as I knew I would loose her if I kept on being truthful how I felt so I stopped telling her my S thoughts and told her things were better and things went back to normal and we got back to our warm therapeutic relationship and I don't want to ruin that again as I am scared of loosing her if I tell her plus I know she can't cope with my S thoughts so I am truly alone with all these feelings that are I coming up again and it scares me as before I had my T to help me but now I have no one to talk to about how I am feelign and what I am thinking. I was starting to get better on the meds not much but it stopped the crying and I stopped feeling as hopeless but now I am crying and starting to feel bad again and I can't tell anyone . I normAlly email my T when I feel bad but I can't now so I'm all alone .
  7. Do you have a good therpist as I am also going through depression right now and I am on medication but only for 2 weeks so I am still waiting for it to work but talking to my therpist is a big help and changing or increasing your medication sounds like a plan . I too want to be alone but I am going to try and meet a friend for coffee next week as my T said I need to try to break the cycle by challenging myself to do something even If it's a little thing but everything seems like a big thing right now but I am trying. Hope you find the right medication for you. Spider
  8. I really hope you are all right and the meds will help me in a few weeks as right now things seem so hopeless , I don't have the energy or don't care enough to eat I'm not hungry and don't care if I eat or not I try to eat a apple and a meal at least every 2 days but I loose track of time so not sure. I can't sleep and it's horrible I can't even be bothered to watch a movie I just want to lay here and zone out I hate being like this so I just zone out like I did when I was a kid and had to escape the bad times. I can't take time of work as I can't ask I am a mess at work and my boss knows I am having a few problems and she understands but I haven't told her I have depression though she is therpist so knows something is up but I told her I am seeing her partner in the clinic to have therpy to help so she says is good I have someone to talk to as she has been worried about me . My cutting has got really bad but it's just my way of coping right now with the pain. I am struggling to stay positive but my therpists wrote me some affirmations and told me to read them and not judge them just read them and be kind to myself I am trying but it's not easy when all I feel is despair . Spider
  9. Thanks joycicle I wish I could I am struggling so much with this depression I am finding it hard to get out of bed , I am still working and struggling to do that And I have to keep going to the bathroom to let the tears out many times during the day. I struggled the other day to find the energy to wash my hair and found it such a big overwhelming task . I hate feeling like this and not sleeping and not eating doesn't help I have been told to try walking my dog for 10 minutes a day and I struggle managing to stay outside that long even when I go outside the dark cloud is still with me. I just took half a valium which has calmed me down and stopped the tears and pain for now. I truthfully don't have the energy mentally or physically or emotionally to complete any task but I know what you are saying and if I ever get any sleep I will try . Thanks spider
  10. Hi Missy I am also going through a hard time and one thing I was taught to help with the constant negative thoughts was not to try and stop them but to imagine a switch and that I could just turn the volume down just a little on the thoughts and then a little more until they were much more quiet and not so overpowering . It helps me might not work for you but you could give it a try . Spider
  11. I am struggling so much with my emotions I just can't seem to stop crying. I started a different medication last week and it's not causing me dark thoughts like the last one which I couldn't stand. I know it takes time for antidepressants to start working but I don't know how to cope with the constant tears and feeling of hopelessness that I feel all the time. I also can't sleep it's been 2 week since I have slept more then 2 broken hours a night so I am throughly exhausted but just can't sleep or relax my mind or emotions . It's so hard to see a way out of this and I am so tired which makes it all seem much more hopeless and impossible to see me ever getting out of this dark cloud of sadness . Spider
  12. I tired to stick it out on the meds but I was having such a terrible time and really did not feel the meds were doing anything but causing lots of dark thoughts which was just making it harder . I stopped taking them 3 days ago as I couldn't stand it any longer . I know I shouldn't of just stopped but I was in a bad place and couldn't see the point of taking them if they did nothing. I know I should of spoke to my psychiatrist before stopping and given them longer but I was not thinking of that at the time. I am worried now about telling the psychiatrist that I stopped them but hopefully she will understand . I am not sure if trying different meds will help or I just need to be patient and give them more time to work . I am still feeling down and sad but trying hard to control my emotions and stay positive and not get completely overwhelmed by this dark cloud that's dragging me down . Spider
  13. Thanks the doc who presecibed the meds said to up the dose to 100mg if I don't think things have got better . I am really confused as I don't know what the meds are meant to do as they don't seemed to of changed the way I feel so if I up the does will it help as at 50mg I haven't noticed they have done anything for me I feel the same if not worst then I did. I am really confused.
  14. I have been on my antidepresents for over week now and I have not noticed any benefits i don't think they are working I am still so emotional and tearful and no energy or will to do anything I feel so down and alone and so numb and I don't care to do anything but lay in my room I am not Intrested in eating or watching movies or reading Tonight I got some very scary dark thoughts and I don't know what to do, I was really scared at what I was thinking and not sure what to do. Spider