MissyfitXx

Thank you for your kind advice guys. Since writing that comment I have to say while I still experience some of them overwhelming feelings they are I fact much milder indeed. I can't explain. Maybe it's the 200mg 5HTP I have been taking twice a day. I have been taking them 10 days now and I feel much better than I did last week. I think that they really might be getting into my system. When I wrote that comment it was no less than a week after I and stopped taking my SSRIs (20mg Citilopram). Looking back I think it was more of the withdrawal affects of coming off the SSRIs that made my anxiety and panic attacks even WORSE. I have to say I am not on top of the world. I still feel like a ticking time bomb. I still feel like I'm "waiting" to just feel better and be cured completely but I know in my heart that probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. While I have been taking the SSRIs everyday and thinking , "In a week from now they will work even better and I will probably feel really happy by then". This is sort of an optimistic way to look at things but it's also counterproductive. I have to say I am more motivated at the moment. I am going to a group therapy session on Friday run by Mind. Although it's on the NHS and it's free, so it's not going to be as good quality as a privately paid therapist, I still will give it a shot. I got nothing to lose and wow! I actually feel really motivated all of a sudden. I have also been taking L-Tyrosine 1000mg a day, they help to release dopamine. I get plenty of essential fats and oils into my diet as well as fruit and veg. I take my vitamins and drink plenty of water. I just need to incorporate more exercise into my diet.

Seriously I feel like a ticking time bomb and even the moment I feel the slightest bit of pleasure my brain makes me feel like I don't deserve to feel any pleasure or be happy at all and it's so short-lived and I am truly convinced that I was put on this planet to suffer. I'm literally a nervous wreck! I don't know where to turn, I don't know what to do! I feel completely lost and alone. I don't understand anything anymore. I laugh randomly and talk to myself. I have to motivate myself with all my might to accomplish even the smallest of tasks e.g. Brushing my teeth, straightening my hair, etc. I have constant migraines. I'm like a ticking time BOMB and the slightest smallest little thing is gonna make me burst out in tears and cry and cry and panic, sweat and panic! My mind races with painful horrific flashbacks and horrendous memories which my brain won't stop reminding me of! I ask myself everyday, "Why do I do it! Why do I remind myself of what happened to me!", but it honestly feels like these racing thoughts aren't in my control at all and that my brain just wants me to suffer and suffer, even worse than the people who traumatised me to the state that I'm in everyday. There's no enjoyment in anything. I even have to motivate myself to listen to music and watch TV. I don't know where to turn! It's like I'm stuck in a well, calling out for help and there's no-one around! It's like I'm a zebra out in the open with a pack of hyenas. It's like I'm screaming, screaming AND SCREAMING and no-one can hear me! What do I do! There's no way out! I feel so hopeless and helpless.

I don't know how to describe it. I just have this horrible emptiness inside. I don't feel joy and I don't enjoy anything. I don't enjoy watching TV. I don't enjoy listening to music. I don't feel Human. I feel like a zombie. How do I get rid of this emptiness? This constantly feeling of absolute lack inside! I'm sitting here right now and I have no desire to do anything. I have no desire to go out. Even if I had loads of money right now I know that I wouldn't have any desire to go out shopping. I feel so empty and lazy. I just feel so lazy to the point that it surmounts actual laziness. I literally don't look forward to or enjoy absolutely anything! I feel so unmotivated. There's no motivation in me to do anything. I currently take 400mg of 5HTP daily. I don't know if it's working but I feel edgy and cranky (I've only been taking them for a week).

I started taking 5HTP on Monday morning, two 200mg capsules a day- one in the morning and one just before bed. It's Thursday today and I took one this morning. I just wanted to know if I am taking too much and if so is it dangerous? I recently just weaned myself off 20mg Citilopram (I ended up on 10mg for my last week of taking them and took my last 10mg capsule last Friday). Since taking the 5HTP on Monday I feel anxious, jittery, restless and I keep getting obsessive thoughts. I feel really panicky and anxious all the time. However I have been through so much trauma in my life and my kind keeps going back to the trauma I experienced last year. I feel so unsteady, nervous and upset. I feel like crying all the time. What do I do! The 5HTP capsules were quite expensive. I really wanted them to work. Am I taking too much? Does it take a week or two for it to get into my system? I just feel so anxious, paranoid and panicky all the time! HELP!

There must be something seriously WRONG with me! I keep laughing and taking to myself CONSTANTLY even in front of my friends and people and I am but even aware of this behaviour! It's certainly not normal behaviour! What is wrong with me? I don't know how to stop, most of the time I'm not even aware of it but people think that I'm a freak! HELP!

There must be something seriously WRONG with me! I keep laughing and taking to myself CONSTANTLY even in front of my friends and people and I am but even aware of this behaviour! It's certainly not normal behaviour! What is wrong with me? I don't know how to stop, most of the time I'm not even aware of it but people think that I'm a freak! HELP!

I am a 19-year old girl and I have been through a lot of rejection in my life and it has left me utterly traumatised. I was bullied so badly at school that I dropped out when I was just 15-years old and I never even got to sit my GCSEs. When I was 15 my 40-year old half-brother used to have sex with me and my mum told me to tell the police that he ****d me, which I did. The following day I dropped the charges and I haven't seen him since. Even though my half-brother treated me less than the dust on the Earth I still love him, I am obsessed with him and I think about him everyday and I am utterly heartbroken. Then last year, I ended up getting bullied on Facebook by my half-brother's in-laws (they're aware that we fell out but they don't know that he used to have sex with me at 15). They would call me fat, ugly, a slut, a tosser and I don't forget any of them words. I believe them. I think about them everyday and I don't think that I can ever forget them. Because I dropped out of school so young I lost the very few friends that I did have as I developed social anxiety, obviously because of the bullying. The anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks and painful memories of all that I've been through have affected me so much that I even dropped out of my College course earlier this year because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't concentrate and do the work properly there. My course was Level 1 in Catering. I had dreams of becoming a chef but I didn't enjoy the course at all and I thought that this might be because catering wasn't for me but I know that even if I were doing a Hairdressing course, Beauty therapy course, etc. I still wouldn't concentrate and focus properly because of the horrible flashbacks that I keep experiencing everyday. How do I make them go away? My tutor told me that she thought that I wasn't ready for any course. She told me that I had to sort my head out before I could start any College course and reach for any qualifications. She told me that I should go home and write down in a notepad when I was happy and what happened to trigger my unhappiness. She said that there's demons inside me and there is! I have done this, I know what has triggered my unhappiness but it doesn't stop me from feeling unhappy. I understand why I am unhappy, I know what is triggering it but it makes no difference at all. I am so lonely, confused, lost, hopeless, helpless and scared. I'm a nervous wreck. I let everyone walk all over me because the bullying completely wrecked my confidence and self-esteem. I believe every word that they said about me. What do I do? I have just come off anti-depressants (I was on 20mg Citilopram, for 3 and a half months) and I have just started taking 5HTP (400mg daily, one 200mg capsule in the morning and one just before bed). I have only started taking the 5HTP for two days and I can't really say if they're working or if they're better than the anti-depressants. The anti-depressants did work but I don't want to be on anti-depressants all my life and they made me gain weight and become very lazy and unmotivated. I would rather try herbals because they are healthier and have less side effects so I really want to persist with these. What about St John's Wort? Do they work? Are they good? Can I take them with 5HTP and if so what is the best brand? I know I could do with therapy but it costs a lot of money and I am currently unemployed and my head is so messed up at the moment that I don't think that I am able to even work. I just wish that my head was completely sorted and that I was happy inside so that I can carry out daily tasks, cope with whatever obstacles and challenges may come my way, set my goals and reach for their achievement everyday. Everyday is like a survival. I don't even feel like I am living a life. I feel like I am living in a prison, not just when I'm alone crying in my room but also when I am out, going to the cinema and shopping with my best friend, etc. There's no light or happiness inside me at all. I want to take control of my life and my future. How do I take back control?