My friendship anxiety cycle? Long rant..

[Hoshi 4]

I have a group of 4 very good friends who mean the world to me. I've known them for several years- when we first met we were all in the same location, they were my main social hub, and we saw each other on a regular basis. Now over the years we've all gone our separate ways but constantly maintain contact via internet and have get-togethers on special occasions. Now as people commonly say, friends are supposed to be people you love and care about mutually, who you enjoy being with and make you feel better no matter the situation. And as sad as this is going to sound, over the internet or the phone or whatever these guys are all of these things. When I am in front of them however it is complete and utter hell for me.

 

I used to have a massive problem when we lived closer because impromptu meet-ups and last minute plans to get me out for a drink panicked the crap out of me, due to what I was unaware back then was my body dysmorphia. I need a lot of time to prepare myself physically to socialize and I would often back out or avoid situations unless I was having a 'good patch' which is a very unpredictable occurrence for me. I was often feeling left out or guilty because I so often failed on my friends, and pressured myself to take more risks and go out even if I wasn't comfortable. That inevitably led to panic and anxiety which put me off of getting into that situation again, thus perpetuating the initial cycle of worry. For some reason it has always been so bad only with them, and not say, my best friend, or other people I know who I see on a semi-regular basis. Especially these days I am pretty much capable of maintaining my 'normal' functioning with all these other people but seeing these friends seems to trigger me completely off the wall.

 

Since we have drifted further (but not apart) from each other the problem of unpredictability has all but been removed, and I have generally calmed down my dysmorphia to a huge degree mainly thanks to professional help, and the support to have the time and space I needed away from the typical late teenage lifestyle I was amidst. However, now in my early twenties, I still struggle with my condition, and those triggers from before have by no means disappeared. Even though our get-togethers now have to be organised far in advance and I feel more relaxed with this control at first, I found it has become somewhat of a crueler form of torture altogether.

 

My distorted logic dictates that I must now make more of an effort because I have been given the opportunity of time, leaving no excuse to turn up inadequate on the day. Albeit much less severely in more recent times, I notice old patterns emerging, such as having the urge to buy excessive beauty products so that I can 'prepare' my skin and body well in advance. The resulting 'over-fussing' with multiple face masks, scrubs, blemish treatment- all in my mind future-proofing, but inevitably aggravating and detrimental to my complexion. And as it draws closer I notice gradual slips- loss of sleep, denying food and foregoing more important things over making time for my beauty routine. I run myself almost completely ragged in pursuit of this ideal I have created in my head- the perfect, flawless day of fun with my friends- that I am pushing further away by doing the very things needed to reach it. And by the time the event is 2 or 3 days away and there is nothing I can do to prepare myself any more, I always seem to be no better off or much worse than before. And I don't seem to learn from the experience either, which is pretty much the definition of madness in itself!

 

Come the eve of the day I am exhausted, a nervous wreck, hopped up on coffee desperately trying to pull myself together enough to enjoy it when I attend. The anger and frustration knowing all my long effort to make my face and what skin I had hoped to show off in a pre-picked outfit flawless has dive-bombed into the ground. Along with the perpetuating worry of how to 'fix' the now more visible effects of my stress and fatigue from staying up into the early hours. I end up turning out on the day rushed and flustered, most likely covered with too much make-up, hair pushed over my face with a hat and a scarf wrapped up to my chin. I spend the day feeling incredibly low and anxious, avoiding direct eye contact with my friends, constantly fidgeting with the position of my hair, self-conscious about the lighting badly setting off my caked up face and sweating from overheat in my layers of cover. I literally want to be sick or just go home to crawl in my bed and the dream of what I wanted this day to be is leagues under a black ocean by now.

 

After several counts of this ordeal repeating itself over the last few years, I just keep asking myself if it's all worth it just for them. I'm still trying hard to get better and I'm making more progress every day, but only a few hours worth of rendezvous with them every blue moon is enough to send me right back down to rock bottom. I can only take so much of that before I'm afraid It'll knock down all my hard work completely.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Hoshi. Hang in there. I am sure you will have the support you need but your post is so full of information  that it takes time to digest.

I will come back with a few words of help if I may. We are all in this together so take heart. You are not alone as I am sure you know by now.   Best wishes.  J.

[Gilly 1086]

You know hoshi, last night when you asked us about this I thought it was your friends who were making it difficult but it's just the meeting up in person? You know when we try and make something completely perfect we are setting ourselves up to be a hot mess. We're not perfect, and we don't have to be. Your friends have been your friends for a long time and have stayed in touch, and want to meet up for a reason, they like you, not an image, but you and your personality.

 

I think if you can work on trying to just be yourself, not put in too much effort and let yourself just be who you are, it might take off some of the pressure. Don't try and build up the day and your appearance to be the ultimate perfection, you are putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself. You are a nice person, fun and friendly that is why they like you, you don't have to impress them. i think you may find you will relax and enjoy it more if you tried a casual approach to it, go with the flow and see what the day brings.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Hoshi. When I look at your photo I wonder what it is all about. I see a very attractive young lady, so I ask myself, why does she feel this way about herself. These Days with all the pressures on young people there is a tendency to try and emulate the so called celebrities and models. Now I am not saying this is your problem, but it can be a factor in this complaint.  Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. When you speak to your friends on the phone you don't have to worry about how you look. Face to face you are aware, or at least feel, that you are not up to scratch; don't look as good as you should and so on. You admit to having 'distorted logic' so that is a good start. Logic dictates that you are an attractive young lady with nothing to prove. Your BDD says otherwise but it is a liar. You are being bluffed by the illness. "Exhausted, and a nervous wreck", who wouldn't be the way you are flogging yourself. There is not one living soul in this world who is perfect so give up the struggle. Even the most holy of Saints admitted this. You cant 'fix the now'; it just is. Trying to manipulate what happens from moment to moment is not only futile but thoroughly exhausting. Gilly is so right. You are liked because of who and what you are not how you look. Taking a pride in your appearance is normal but it must not be allowed to spoil your life. Everything in nervous illness is an exaggeration of normal feelings. "How do I look" can turn into "If I don't look good no one will like me or love me". BDD is a common complaint among teenagers and young adults and you have no need to fear it as it can be overcome. You can never lose what you have gained in experience and you wont be 'knocked down' again by how you feel now. Can you just accept how you feel for the moment and start to realise that you are a unique person as we all are?Trying to be perfect or trying to live up to false standards is making you ill so give up the struggle. People are much more likely to accept if you behave naturally and I am sure if you did you would be surprised at the response. Anticipation is another no no in this illness. What ever you do Hoshi, don't do it 'just for them' but instead just for you. It is how YOU feel that matters not what others think of you. People with a normal degree of self worth act spontaneously in any situation. They are not constantly worrying about what will happen or how others may react to them. TRY and see yourself as a person worthy of the respect you give to others and stop putting yourself down. You would make a good friend. I would have you as a friend.

Blessings.    J.