The typical HIV fear

[collegelady 3]

It seems as though my anxiety has now jumped from ALS or MS to being HIV positive. I went through a lot of the threads where others have had this worry and it has provided me some comfort that I am not the only one who has felt this way before. I'm trying really hard to not have a full blown panic attack right now. 

Basically, at the beginning of May, I was with one guy. I did not have sex with him (nor have I had sex before), but instead other ~things~ were done. I will not get into details because there could be young people reading these threads.

Here are the good things: From May until right now I haven't gotten sick (not even a cold), I haven't had dramatic weight loss, and I do not run a fever, I haven't had skin rashes, my body hasn't ached all over, and while I do love my naps...I don't recall ever feeling lethargic even after a full day of activity. 

The bad things: the swollen lump fear has now come back to haunt me, and now instead of attaching this thought to lymphoma, I'm attaching it to HIV. My doctor also told me my tonsils felt enlarged 2 weeks ago. I had a bad UTI and yeast infection about 2 weeks after my time with him, but that was taken care of and I don't believe I've had one since (I blamed it on the scented pads I used for monthly cycle...never again!!!!). I also see that oral thrush is a thing, and now I'm questioning if my tongue looks white or not. I've also had this semi dry cough, that has improved, but is still lingering (I'm not sick though).

Now I know a simple solution is to get tested, but I don't even want to because of how fearful I am. I'm not sure if I trust drugstore kits either. I also am not sure how to get tested without my family knowing. What I also know is that so much time has passed (nearly 8 months), and I think that can count for something. But I also know in some cases HIV can remained undetected for years. The guy I was with doesn't seem like the type to be in a situation where he would be exposed to this virus and certainly he is all about his health (he lifts weights and is on some kind of muscle journey lol). And yes I know that looks don't determine someone's HIV status. 

I feel very stupid writing this post but maybe someone will verbally slap some sense into me and tell me I'm fine

 

[Bobnnat 496]

Allow me to *slap* you (respectfully!)

Back in the 1990's I went through what you're going through. It's embarrasing to say, but on a trip to NYC I attended a strip club where the patrons are permitted to touch the dancers. I know, but I was young then. I very briefly touched one dancer's private area and before long my HA mind went crazy. I imagined she had HIV. I imagined there may have been an open cut on that finger even though I didn't see one..maybe it's since healed?  I remember I had a trip to Vegas planned, and I went. Rather than have fun, I spent literally days in bookstores reading up about HIV/AIDS, transmission, etc. Pre-Google days.

Back then, and I need to be understanding here, the gay and drug communities were making an aggressive press to convince the heterosexual community that HIV transmission between male/female was just as likely as between male/male. That really fueled my fear. They also tried to convince the world that transmission through cuts and other "non-intercourse" methods was very risky.  Years later, it came out that this was all propaganda. I fully understand why they did it and in retrospect, cast no blame. With so many medical causes seeking funding that can affect any person, or any woman or any man, they figured what chance is there for funding this disease for an eventual cure if the populace believes it can't affect them?  Well it worked, and today HIV/AIDS is not fatal, but a manageable disease what with drugs that have been developed.

So, the truth is that transmission between male to female is very rare and almost, if not totally related to intercourse..not touching or oral, etc.  Think about it - he would have to be +. What are those odds? Then you would have to be one of the incredibly few (if any??) people to be infected in that manner. The odds must be like 1 in 10,000,000 for all that to be true.You have nothing to fear. Nothing. I ended up getting tested because I couldn't function due to the fear. You could if you really need to, but why put yourself through that???

Bob

[Jremtx 121]

7 minutes ago, Bobnnat said:

Allow me to *slap* you (respectfully!)

Damn Bob. This made me laugh so hard. 

[collegelady 3]

3 minutes ago, Bobnnat said:

Allow me to *slap* you (respectfully!)

Back in the 1990's I went through what you're going through. It's embarrasing to say, but on a trip to NYC I attended a strip club where the patrons are permitted to touch the dancers. I know, but I was young then. I very briefly touched one dancer's private area and before long my HA mind went crazy. I imagined she had HIV. I imagined there may have been an open cut on that finger even though I didn't see one..maybe it's since healed?  I remember I had a trip to Vegas planned, and I went. Rather than have fun, I spent literally days in bookstores reading up about HIV/AIDS, transmission, etc. Pre-Google days.

Back then, and I need to be understanding here, the gay and drug communities were making an aggressive press to convince the heterosexual community that HIV transmission between male/female was just as likely as between male/male. That really fueled my fear. They also tried to convince the world that transmission through cuts and other "non-intercourse" methods was very risky.  Years later, it came out that this was all propaganda. I fully understand why they did it and in retrospect, cast no blame. With so many medical causes seeking funding that can affect any person, or any woman or any man, they figured what chance is there for funding this disease for an eventual cure if the populace believes it can't affect them?  Well it worked, and today HIV/AIDS is not fatal, but a manageable disease what with drugs that have been developed.

So, the truth is that transmission between male to female is very rare and almost, if not totally related to intercourse..not touching or oral, etc.  Think about it - he would have to be +. What are those odds? Then you would have to be one of the incredibly few (if any??) people to be infected in that manner. The odds must be like 1 in 10,000,000 for all that to be true.You have nothing to fear. Nothing. I ended up getting tested because I couldn't function due to the fear. You could if you really need to, but why put yourself through that???

Bob

Thank you for this.

It's funny because you are not the first person I've come across in the last few hours that has said HIV transmission facts are propaganda that were done to tell people "better safe that sorry". I would love to read articles about it, because that's very interesting to me. Obviously things are possible, but yes I do have to remind myself..am I that rare case? Probably not.

I could go to planned parenthood and do a test, but I also need to start trusting myself. It's just that nagging thought, "what if IM the one?"

[Bobnnat 496]

Collegelady;

No, you are not "the one". You are no more likely than any other person you see on the street to get some rare disease or be that 1 in 10 million. No disrespect, but you're not that special! With regard to the articles, I recall reading an article from a researcher who was refuting the "could happen to anybody" argument. Among many other points he made, he said think about athletes/certain male celebrities (those famous at the time in the 90s) and all the women they have been with.I recall he mentioned Wilt Chamberlain who himself admitted to being with literally thousands of women. There were other celebrities such as Mick Jagger and others who were notorious for their womanizing. Yet all those encounters and no one was infected by male/female interaction.

Except allegedly, Magic Johnson. But no one knows if he ever slept with a man. He says no, but would he admit to that, especially back in the 90's before homosexuality was more accepted by the country? Also, being black and gay or bi would be a career ender back in the day for an athlete.

Anyway, bottom line is have a good life. Don't waste another second thinking about this.

[collegelady 3]

First time I enjoyed being called not special!!!! Quite frankly that's all i've been begging for recently, to not be that special case! Thank you for putting some sense into me. I think I'm just scared because it was a first experience sort of thing combined with this newly acquired health anxiety. I'm overthinking everything I've encountered in the last 4 years.

Thank you, happy holidays

[emma2 33]

Omg I can totally relate to this. Same thing happened to me last year. Exact same situation as yours. I was so worried and scared I had him go get tested for everything (he’s my bf) and I wanted to be sure before we actually did anything he was fine. I feel so bad now bc I totally freaked him out and made him think I thought he was dirty or something. Even tho that’s not what I thought, I was just scared lol. After I got over the HIV fear, I started worrying about HPV. HA sucks. 

[collegelady 3]

3 hours ago, emma2 said:

Omg I can totally relate to this. Same thing happened to me last year. Exact same situation as yours. I was so worried and scared I had him go get tested for everything (he’s my bf) and I wanted to be sure before we actually did anything he was fine. I feel so bad now bc I totally freaked him out and made him think I thought he was dirty or something. Even tho that’s not what I thought, I was just scared lol. After I got over the HIV fear, I started worrying about HPV. HA sucks. 

 I totally get what you mean about freaking him out because I actually messaged my guy today and asked if he was clean!! I felt so bad and told him to not take it personally, it was for my sanity. He said yes to being clean. He doesn't seem like the type to lie either, so his answer kind of helps. Anyways, I shouldn't have asked lol it felt so wrong of me but my HA took over my rational thinking. Honestly, I don't think I can go through this again. When I'm in a serious relationship is when I'll ask the guy to be tested and I'll get tested with him before we go farther into intimacy. I'm glad your situation worked out!