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About Cai

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  1. Thank you @joeetaku and @jonathon123. My mother passed away early 2013, so it's been just over 3 years ago now. I feel as though I stopped back then and life seemed to keep going while I just went through the motions. (A year after my mother passed my son was born at 26 weeks gestation and we spent a long time in hospital which has also obviously affected me). I don't feel as though I can burden my friends with how I feel, I feel that the majority of them think I should have moved past this intense grief or that my reaction is just not 'socially acceptable'. I shouldn't feel this as deeply as I do. So instead I just keep it to myself and have a cry when it all gets too much. Yes, I know suppressing my feelings is not the most healthiest option however I feel as though everything that has happened (multiple deaths over the last few years, my son's traumatic birth and subsequent hospital stay and my mum) it's just too much. If I let it out, if I acknowledge it all emotionally (because logically I obviously know what has happened but emotionally I have shut off a bit) then I'm never going to stop crying and feeling like this. There is so much to process it all seems far too overwhelming. I know my mother wouldn't want me to be like this. I have withdrawn from friends, I'm so angry and negative now when I never used to be, I try to control my emotions and struggles in front of my son so as he doesn't get 'damaged' from my issues, I feel as though I'm truly alone in this. It's nice to be able to vent on here and not feel as though I'm just being a burden. So thanks for that
  2. Today is my mothers birthday. She would've been 63, so not old at all. My mother died due to hospital/medical negligence. She went into seek treatment and was told to go home less than 2 hours after arriving in the ED. She passed away, in severe pain 8 hours later. They told her she had gastro, gave her morphine (who gives morphine for gastro??) which masked the severe symptoms. She passed away from Sepsis due to a perforated bowel. All the reports I have received have stated she would've survived had she received the correct treatment and the coroners report stated that had she received the correct treatment, she would have had a 75% chance of survival. The doctor has spent the last few years blaming everyone else, including my dead mother, for her discharge. I find it so difficult to get over my anger with that man's refusal to acknowledge any part he played in her death. I've never even received an apology or even 'sympathies' from that hospital or that doctor. I look at her photo's now and I almost feel like I'm looking at someone that I used to know. Doesn't that sound odd? I feel as though I've been blocking this for so long that I almost feel it was another life When is this meant to stop hurting? When am I meant to feel 'normal' again? This is so overwhelming to me when I realise she's really dead that I feel as though I can't breathe. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. I just feel this underlying sadness that is always there. Always. Along with the anxiety which is always there. I'm just exhausted.
  3. Thank you so much for your replies KH84 and georgiamadelene. I had previously been on medication for my anxiety and for another condition that I did not have. The side effects and numb feeling were just awful. I'm sure anti-depressants have changed somewhat from 5-10 years ago but I am still quite wary. I currently use exercise as a form of anxiety treatment and I think it helps me to cope for sure. Just sometimes I can feel it all getting on top of me. I'm really working on my mindset as I am a very negative person now. I am also 'realising' the finality of death for some reason, kind of like it has come to the forefront of my mind. I mean, obviously I know that death is final logically but emotionally I have been able to block a lot of it out and almost pretend it's not happened. I physically hurt when I realise that I'm never going to be able to speak to my mother or my stepfather again. It feels as though I've been kicked in the stomach. I know that I have pushed these emotions away to cope better right now and they seem to be fighting to come out for me to deal with. I'm just not ready to deal with them just yet. Hopefully that all makes sense.
  4. I have severe anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD. I've had a lot of death in the past few years and I feel as though every day I am worrying about not being here, worried something bad is going to happen and constantly stressed about every single choice I make. It's really draining. I can barely remember what it's like to feel happiness as every time I do have a moment of pure joy, I get anxious that I'm focusing on it too much and that too will be taken away. I have been avoiding prescription medications as the idea of not feeling anything at all worries me. I'm not sure if maybe feeling like I do now is better as at least I'm feeling something. No real question here but if someone can relate or has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Thank you for reading.
  5. I'm actually looking into someone perhaps coming out to me. We are currently getting transferred over to a disability service and that appears to take a bit of time. I suppose I am just scared of opening it all up. I am able to cope when I avoid it but obviously am living with quite severe anxiety. Part of the trauma I find hard to remember, but to be honest I am glad of that. I try to do meditation and relaxation and it just leaves me very angry. I find it almost impossible to 'switch off'. At the moment strength training is my therapist With over 40kg lost, I'd say it's beneficial for something Appreciate your responses greatly Mark
  6. Thank you for responding Mark. I started going to a psychologist about it but am finding it difficult to attend given I am a full time carer to my son (he has ongoing health issues and I have him nearly 100% of the time). I am hoping to go back soon however. I think talking about everything can only help... no matter how much I try to avoid it!
  7. Hey all, Just wondering how people out there cope when you are a parent with PTSD. I can find the simplest tasks overwhelming sometimes and feel immense guilt that my son isn't getting the best of me. Sometimes I feel so exhausted and disconnected from it all. Flat I suppose. Other times I feel as though I've been physically kicked when I start re-living things and get very over protective and not wanting to let my son out of my sight. I'd love to know how others get past these feelings and/or stop them from taking over. My anxiety is off the charts. Thank you in advance
  8. It was the third anniversary of my mothers death yesterday. I always find myself low and super anxious around this time. I've noticed my anxiety has been through the roof lately and it's starting to affect my ability to drive, to socialise, to attend appointments for my son. Has anyone else noticed that their anxiety skyrockets around a significant date or event? And how do you deal with it?