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Just A Person

Miracles

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I need a miracle. At least that is what I believe. If you have the time and interest, please read this rather longish post.

 

I have been a Believer in Christ since as far back as I can remember. I am 45 years old. And as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from one form or another of anxiety. If I had to pick one that is dominant, it would be OCD. You know, it just struck me; ten years ago I was on a very similar website writing about the same thing. But that is neither here nor there. I have battled health anxiety, all manner of awful intrusive thoughts, obsessions of all types and well, I am sure you guys can relate.

 

A couple of years ago my wife had colon cancer surgery and at the same time I had one of the worst intrusive thoughts of my life. It literally threw me into horrible panic attacks. I spent the next five weeks begging God to help me. Every day it got worse. All the while, my wife was recovering from her surgery. Without going into details of what the thought was, suffice it to say that it was something so awful and repulsive to me that it really made me suffer. And then, I started to believe that I had actually committed this awful act (the intrusive thought). Oh, on some level I knew I did not do it but I couldn't be sure. We don't have total recall for a memory and thoughts can get mixed up with memories if you obsess over them. Regardless, I spent five weeks on my knees constantly praying to God for help. I was really suffering. I did not want Him to tell me a lie. In fact, I asked Him, "God, if I have done this horrible thing, tell me and I will pay the consequences. Just let me know. I want to know the truth!" Nothing ever came.

 

I started asking God to meet me in a dream to talk with me. I prayed that an angel would come to me. I begged God to let me hear His Voice. Anything! Nothing ever happened. In time my anxiety wore down and I could at least get back to work. Nevertheless, that episode shook me to my core. I had had similar ugly intrusive thoughts in the past but never had they taken such root. I suppose it was because of the diagnosis of my wife's cancer. I was in a really weakened state. Well, my wife passed away that same year and though I have been extremely sad, my anxieties have not been out of control until just recently.

 

This time I am worrying about health anxiety. I am extremely worried and it's getting to that point where it is all I can think about. Now, I still believe in God and I still believe that I need a miracle if I am every going to have a decent life. But that episode with my wife shook me to my core and now I just don't think that God will ever give me that level of help. I believe He could if he so chose but I just don't think it is likely to happen. 30 plus years of anxiety, intrusive thoughts and prayers unanswered (at least in a way I could understand) have got me really down. I know God exists, I just don't think He has any interest in helping me.

 

Can any of you relate?

 

P.S. The pain of watching my wife suffer and all the prayers for her healing that went unanswered contributed to how I feel now. Listen, I'm a big boy and I know that God is in control. It just seems like such a wasted life to always be in a state of anxiety (which I always am) and long episodes from time to time where it is almost unbearable.

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You're not Just a Person, you're a child of THE KING.  First, I'd like to ask anyone who is not a believer, to please respect the beliefs of those who respond to this brother and we will do the same for you.

I wish I knew your name, but God does!  

First,  I want you to know that I had Stage IIIB Colon Cancer in Jan. 2009 with colon resection and 6 months of FOLFOX.  Everything was great until Feb. 2012 when a CT scan showed a 1.5 cm met on the back of my liver.  I had 80% of my liver removed and no follow up chemo.  I just had my abdominal MRI and MRU (pelvic to base of lungs) and all was well.  This Tuesday I'll have my chest CT scan and blood work, including my CEA.  If those are good, I will have been cancer free, Stage IVa, for 5 years. 

I don't know what your thought was, but I can identify with you to some degree.  I found that Satan knew my fears and doubts and would whisper in my ear things like 'You should kill yourself while no one is home so they don't have to watch you die'.  The Bible tells us to 'take captive every thought' so I began to speak out loud and demand he shut up and out loud, ask God to shield me with the helmet of salvation (SOZO which means healing) and block all voices except the voice of God and the brush of angel wings surrounding me with protection.  I still think stupid stuff at times but I say out loud, NO, you don't! and let it go.

My sweet step niece told me to not  speak negative things out loud but to use scripture to fight Satan just like Jesus did when He was tempted.  When I have fearful thoughts, I quote scripture that speaks of God's healing. Before sleep I remind God that King David said 'I will lie down in PEACE and sleep. For You, Oh LORD will keep me safe'.  I repeat, 'I will not die, but live, and I will proclaim what the LORD has done'.  Listening to someone like Don Moen on Youtube singing 'Heal me oh LORD and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved', brings me comfort, peace and helps me overcome fear.

Satan has you right where he wants you!  He's shut your mouth. He stole your testimony.  He disabled your witness.  There's something good that God meant to happen from what your wife, and you, went through.  Satan wants that squashed.

I asked my Pastor, 'Why me, Billy?  Why did God spare me and so many younger people in our church have died?'  He said that God had something for me to do and it was my job to find it and do it.  My assignment is helping people.  Christian. Atheist. Whatever. Black, white, brown....... all God's children! 

If you look on the list of forums, there's a thread for religion.  I posted a lot of healing verses in one thread.  I have them printed out. When things were the worst, I cut some out and hung them on mirrors, put one under my pillow, one in my purse, pockets, car.  

I believe, and feel like God is assuring me to assure you, that you did not do the horrific thing you think you did.  In your grief and anger, the worst thing you could think of got rooted in your mind because cancer was the worst thing that you felt God could have allowed to happen to your precious wife.  I have no doubt that you have not done something horrible. You feel guilty and your hurt is so deep that you almost wish you could be punished.  It's called Survivor's Guilt and is quite common. 

I don't know if you're near a Cancer Treatment Center of America but they  have 800 numbers that you can call and speak with one of their pastor/ counselors 24 hours a day for free.  I'm a local Cancer Care Minister with Our Journey of Hope that is trained by CTCA.  

You need emotional healing.  Your loss and your hurt is vast.  God can cure cancer. God can raise the dead to life. God can save us from ourselves and sometimes we just have to BE STILL.   Wait. 
Diane 

Healing Choices: Do You Want to be Healed?

By Jon Walker 9/30/2009 3:04:22 PM

 

“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” (John 5:6 NIV).

 

Note: Today’s guest devotional is by Jon Walker, author of ‘Growing with Purpose.

 

Long ago and far away I was diagnosed with clinical depression and began the hard work of deep, lasting, Jesus-led recovery. 

 

One day Jesus asked me, “Do you want to be healed?” 

 

I was reading in the Apostle John’s book and he was telling about the time that Jesus stopped by the Sheep Gate in ancient Jerusalem. There was a pool there where people waited for a chance to be healed by one of God’s angels, but, as I read, it seemed like Jesus looked over and into my eyes.

 

“Do you want to be healed?” 

 

It seemed like such a ridiculous question. Of course, I wanted to be healed! But, then, I knew what he meant. Was I willing to make a healing choice?

Was I willing to do the hard work of facing painful situations, uncovering bitterness, and admitting to deep, resentful anger? Was I willing to give up my stubborn excuses that allowed me to stay the same, somehow seeing my sickness as more secure than my health?

 

Was I willing to give up control, let God be God, and admit that I can’t, but he can; or would I rather insist that I can, even though I can’t, holding myself in a cycle of helplessness and hopelessness?

By the pool at the Sheep Gate, Jesus asked an invalid of thirty-eight years: “Do you want to be healed?” His question swept through the man, swept through 2,000 years, and swept into the shadows of my soul.

 

“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me . . . ” (John 5:7 NIV).

 

But there stood the Great Healer holding out help, acutely 

aware that we can’t, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was on a mission that would provide the only way we can be re-created whole and healthy. Jesus was on the road to Calvary.

 

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

 

Jon Walker is the editor of ‘The Purpose Driven Life On-line Devotionals’ 

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