Just A Person

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  1. I need a miracle. At least that is what I believe. If you have the time and interest, please read this rather longish post. I have been a Believer in Christ since as far back as I can remember. I am 45 years old. And as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from one form or another of anxiety. If I had to pick one that is dominant, it would be OCD. You know, it just struck me; ten years ago I was on a very similar website writing about the same thing. But that is neither here nor there. I have battled health anxiety, all manner of awful intrusive thoughts, obsessions of all types and well, I am sure you guys can relate. A couple of years ago my wife had colon cancer surgery and at the same time I had one of the worst intrusive thoughts of my life. It literally threw me into horrible panic attacks. I spent the next five weeks begging God to help me. Every day it got worse. All the while, my wife was recovering from her surgery. Without going into details of what the thought was, suffice it to say that it was something so awful and repulsive to me that it really made me suffer. And then, I started to believe that I had actually committed this awful act (the intrusive thought). Oh, on some level I knew I did not do it but I couldn't be sure. We don't have total recall for a memory and thoughts can get mixed up with memories if you obsess over them. Regardless, I spent five weeks on my knees constantly praying to God for help. I was really suffering. I did not want Him to tell me a lie. In fact, I asked Him, "God, if I have done this horrible thing, tell me and I will pay the consequences. Just let me know. I want to know the truth!" Nothing ever came. I started asking God to meet me in a dream to talk with me. I prayed that an angel would come to me. I begged God to let me hear His Voice. Anything! Nothing ever happened. In time my anxiety wore down and I could at least get back to work. Nevertheless, that episode shook me to my core. I had had similar ugly intrusive thoughts in the past but never had they taken such root. I suppose it was because of the diagnosis of my wife's cancer. I was in a really weakened state. Well, my wife passed away that same year and though I have been extremely sad, my anxieties have not been out of control until just recently. This time I am worrying about health anxiety. I am extremely worried and it's getting to that point where it is all I can think about. Now, I still believe in God and I still believe that I need a miracle if I am every going to have a decent life. But that episode with my wife shook me to my core and now I just don't think that God will ever give me that level of help. I believe He could if he so chose but I just don't think it is likely to happen. 30 plus years of anxiety, intrusive thoughts and prayers unanswered (at least in a way I could understand) have got me really down. I know God exists, I just don't think He has any interest in helping me. Can any of you relate? P.S. The pain of watching my wife suffer and all the prayers for her healing that went unanswered contributed to how I feel now. Listen, I'm a big boy and I know that God is in control. It just seems like such a wasted life to always be in a state of anxiety (which I always am) and long episodes from time to time where it is almost unbearable.
  2. I have a very strong faith in God. I am a Christian and I have suffered horribly for being one. You see, I have OCD, the cornerstones of which are fear and doubt; essentially the antithesis of the bedrock of Christ's teachings. Many, many times I have been angry with God for what seems like unnecessary worry, fear and doubt. The intrusive thoughts that enter the head of an OCD sufferer can be horrible. In fact, they almost always strike you where you are most vulnerable. In this case, I am talking about my love for God. Awful, shameful thoughts enter my head and there is nothing I can do about it. And yet, my faith continues to grow. My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in November of 2014 and died in November of 2015. During that time I went through a severe episode of panic attacks/OCD/GAD that almost did me in. Through it all and to this day, the fact that I have God to call on is of huge importance to me even when it seems futile. I am no saint but I am a true Believer.
  3. Honestly, the anxiety trip usually has to run its course. Time is the only thing that helps when it gets really bad. The key to mitigating anxiety is to recognize when it first starts to flare up and take steps then. Before I have a long, bad event, there are almost always signs a couple of weeks prior leading up to it. Learn what they are, take action then, and you have a fighting chance. Otherwise, hold on for the ride. That has been my experience, anyway.
  4. Instead of sharing my specific worries, let me just explain how bad it gets. I once spent almost 6 weeks in such a state that I could barely sleep and could not keep still for more than a few minutes at a time. My skin was crawling literally every minute of the day and I was in perpetual fight or flight. Other times, much longer episodes, I was just a notch or two below what I described above. Not quite in full blown panic 24/7 but on the verge of it and in really bad shape. I have had several episodes at this level one of which lasted almost 9 months. When it gets bad, it gets really bad.
  5. I do not have a fear of flying per se but I have many times had my anxiety cause me to fear taking a particular flight. Does that make any sense? As a matter of fact, I had an episode (completely unrelated to flying) that kept me on the ground for a couple of years. Last summer I had had enough and took a trip to Mexico. I flew again this January to Peru. So, flying for me is not the issue. Some strange OCD/magical thinking stuff usually makes me think something bad will happen. It's ridiculous but that's what I face.
  6. Hi, I just signed up a minute ago. I used to post on Anxiety Zone and found this site via a Google search of "What happened to Anxiety Zone?" Just out of curiosity, I wonder what happened to a site called Journey Towards Freedom. It was a depression/anxiety site that I frequented back in 2006 and 2007. It had a lot of traffic but it just up and disappeared one day as well.