I need a miracle. At least that is what I believe. If you have the time and interest, please read this rather longish post.
I have been a Believer in Christ since as far back as I can remember. I am 45 years old. And as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from one form or another of anxiety. If I had to pick one that is dominant, it would be OCD. You know, it just struck me; ten years ago I was on a very similar website writing about the same thing. But that is neither here nor there. I have battled health anxiety, all manner of awful intrusive thoughts, obsessions of all types and well, I am sure you guys can relate.
A couple of years ago my wife had colon cancer surgery and at the same time I had one of the worst intrusive thoughts of my life. It literally threw me into horrible panic attacks. I spent the next five weeks begging God to help me. Every day it got worse. All the while, my wife was recovering from her surgery. Without going into details of what the thought was, suffice it to say that it was something so awful and repulsive to me that it really made me suffer. And then, I started to believe that I had actually committed this awful act (the intrusive thought). Oh, on some level I knew I did not do it but I couldn't be sure. We don't have total recall for a memory and thoughts can get mixed up with memories if you obsess over them. Regardless, I spent five weeks on my knees constantly praying to God for help. I was really suffering. I did not want Him to tell me a lie. In fact, I asked Him, "God, if I have done this horrible thing, tell me and I will pay the consequences. Just let me know. I want to know the truth!" Nothing ever came.
I started asking God to meet me in a dream to talk with me. I prayed that an angel would come to me. I begged God to let me hear His Voice. Anything! Nothing ever happened. In time my anxiety wore down and I could at least get back to work. Nevertheless, that episode shook me to my core. I had had similar ugly intrusive thoughts in the past but never had they taken such root. I suppose it was because of the diagnosis of my wife's cancer. I was in a really weakened state. Well, my wife passed away that same year and though I have been extremely sad, my anxieties have not been out of control until just recently.
This time I am worrying about health anxiety. I am extremely worried and it's getting to that point where it is all I can think about. Now, I still believe in God and I still believe that I need a miracle if I am every going to have a decent life. But that episode with my wife shook me to my core and now I just don't think that God will ever give me that level of help. I believe He could if he so chose but I just don't think it is likely to happen. 30 plus years of anxiety, intrusive thoughts and prayers unanswered (at least in a way I could understand) have got me really down. I know God exists, I just don't think He has any interest in helping me.
Can any of you relate?
P.S. The pain of watching my wife suffer and all the prayers for her healing that went unanswered contributed to how I feel now. Listen, I'm a big boy and I know that God is in control. It just seems like such a wasted life to always be in a state of anxiety (which I always am) and long episodes from time to time where it is almost unbearable.