New member, Desperate for help! Feeling alone & shaken!

[Kitty86 5]

Hello, former AZ member. Having a reoccurring panic episode and I went to post back there and saw it's gone. I can't tell you how upset I am. Seeing as reading through old members posts helped keep me sane during some dark, dark days. 

 

My old colon cancer fear has reared its ugly head again. It's been almost a year since I started fearing it. And I was able to fight it back with therapy and CBT, working with a therapist who specializes in OCD. But lately I've noticed a little bright red blood on the toilet paper when I go and a little bit of pain when it passes through a certain part of my bottom as it comes out. Plus I've had gassy, bloating, abdominal pain, sometimes I Burp for days on end, with tailbone pain. 

 

What actually triggered this was i as I was having spotting during ovulation. It went on for a few months so finally when I got health insurance at my new job I made an appt with OBGYN. We just did a bunch of blooodwork (hormones, CBC, thyroid, etc.) and a transvaginal ultrasound. Everything looked great except a 2.7 cm cyst on the left ovary. But now, in my brain the tumor from my colon that has been ignored is now so big that it's now causing this issue with spotting. 

 

I am in full blown panic now about colon cancer. Of course I googled the symptoms and now it's obvious that I've ignored it for so long and I have it and now it's spread. I've been having headaches and lightheadedness and pain in my lymph nose areas so to me it's spread. 

 

And all I can think about is my husband and three year old who depend on me financially, mentally, emotionally and how much I want to be there for them. I'm turning 31 in a month and I'm just so terrified it's too late and there's something so wrong with me. 

 

I wish I had the AZ to reread right now but I don't. Please, hopefully someone on this board can help. I can't shake myself of this fear. We all have read horror stories. I can't get them out of my head. and with all the physical tummy issues I have it's like it alll points to it. The tailbone pain, the feeling like I have to go, the gas, the bloating, the cramps, the occasional red blood, thinner stools, straining to go. I hate this! Please help!

[BeautifulDisaster 68]

Hi Kitty86.  I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad.  I really believe that you need to take a few deep breaths.   I can sympathize about losing the AZ - I was from there as well - but I have found this forum wonderfully supportive.  

From reading your post, it sounds like you are connecting many things together.  You already know that you deal with HA in regards to colon cancer.  And, most importantly, you know that you have been able to deal with it and move past it for a time.  That means you have the ability to do it again. 

Before you jump too far to conclusions, consider that all of your "symptoms " can be explained from the panic and as a result of living with anxiety.  From what I am aware of, the blood sounds like hemrroids - have you considered that or ruled it out? The stomach and intestinal stuff all sounds along the line of ibs.  Do you have that? Panic can most definitely cause the headaches and lightheadedness.  Obviously I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose, but I am just trying to think through logically.  

I know that you said you have just been diagnosed with a cyst.  A cyst is not cancer and never will be. You also said that you had a bunch of blood work done. If your colon cancer was really that big to cause the cyst or the spotting  (which would obviously be explained by the cyst - and if it wasn't, your ob would have sent you for further testing ), something would have been questionable with your blood work.

I know you are trying to connect all of the dots to colon cancer, but I really do believe that it is the panic talking.  So much of what you described are major side effects for many people of anxiety.  And it sounds as though you have recently been thoroughly checked by a dr, and even if that dr wasn't specifically looking for colon cancer, I am sure the dr would have further investigated anything questionable. 

I hope this helped calm you down somewhat.  This kind of panic is a horrible feeling. I hope you can take a few deep breaths and do something kind for yourself tonight. 

[Kitty86 5]

Thank you Beautiful disaster. I am glad you've found this community as supportive. I'm hoping to find the same because I am thoroughly upset that AZ has disappeared. I had so many good responses to my threads that I would try to read when the panic got bad and it would help me.

I am definitely connecting the dots here. I tend to do that a lot and it's a big OCD trigger for me. If I had a tumor that large my blood work would have shown something (some anemia, some sort of white blood cell count elevated) and on my transvaginal ultrasound some sort of displacement on my uterus/ovaries. I'm just so terrified and logic does not work when you're in full blown OCD panic. I managed to get 4 hours of sleep and that's about it.

Ive definitely considered that it's possible those things could cause it. Especially since last year I had some serious tummy issues and they seem to have subsided a bit, and now are coming back. I do have problems passing gas, and I do have difficulty BMs though. I'm just really so worried that I'm just ignoring this and it's so bad. I know about IBS but when you're in panic I always catastrophize everything. So to me the more logical one now seems to be colon c****r. I have a therapy appt tomorrow and I'll discuss it with her. But I'm just losing it right now. 

 

Thank you you for the reply though. It was good to wake up and read that.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Kitty. Welcome to AC. .

The first thing to say is that health anxiety can mimic any known disease and a few unknown ones once it gets in your mind and sinks into your unconscious. FEAR will continue to throw up symptoms and the more you worry about it the worse it gets. Why? Because worry creates more fight/flight hormones which increase the symptoms. Another thing to say is DON'T Google. A big big mistake. On this site we regard Dr. Google as an enemy not a friend. You are not medically trained and can only jump to the wrong conclusions, which Dr. Google is full of!

I often wonder why we fasten on to known diseases when suffering with HA. If I said your symptoms are those of Mongolian Swamp Fever what would you say? Another disease to add to your unconscious collection!

I am in full blown panic now about colon cancer. Of course I googled the symptoms and now it's obvious that I've ignored it for so long and I have it and now it's spread. I've been having headaches and lightheadedness and pain in my lymph nose areas so to me it's spread. 

But a year has passed since it all began. You would be really ill by now if it were anything serious. Symptoms should only be diagnosed by medics not laymen such as us. Old symptoms will return the more you catastrophize. Because that is what you are doing. Can you see the cycle you have put yourself in? Fear/adrenaline/fear!! I am not talking theory, god knows I have been where you are and have had every known disease in the book. In my mind!! . Once you have been tested out and given the OK you MUST BELIEVE THE DOCTORS. Constant second guessing is harmful in HA because it goes on reinforcing doubt. Doubt creates fear, and fear puts you back in the cycle.

BD says it's panic talking and it is. Anxiety will attempt to bug and worry you at every turn and the tricks he plays are legion. Don't be bluffed!! Your female issues are not at all uncommon and no cause for worry. Some years ago I had symptoms like yours, (not the female ones!!!), and it was IBS. But did I believe them? Oh no! I even made my will!!! That's how HA can take you.

Palpitations!! I wore out a load of doctor's ECG machines before I became convinced I might not die at any moment. That was 30 years ago. Still get them but does it worry me? No way! I have come to terms with our old friend anxiety and know all his little tricks and dodges. Try not to panic. You are OK.. Say it to yourself over and over. Try not to catastrophize. Stop adding fear to fear.

[Ihadcancer 321]

Hi sweetie!  It sounds to me that you might be constipated. The burping can be swallowed air from anxiety. The pain when you pass stool is most probably a tiny cut from hard stool and that's the blood, too. 

Advanced colon cancer doesn't have symptoms until you're very ill. Your blood work would have been off. 

I felt fantastic when I had a liver met!  The only reason my colon cancer was found was I took Imodium and caused a blockage. With a blockage, you cannot pass gas and bowel sounds stop. The main symptoms of colon cancer is NO SYMPTOMS.

i understand your fear. I have some discoloration in my urine that is very pale pink so instead of blaming it on aspirin use and strenuous exercise, I worry it's bladder cancer. 

[Ihadcancer 321]

Quote

I am in full blown panic now about colon cancer. Of course I googled the symptoms and now it's obvious that I've ignored it for so long and I have it and now it's spread. I've been having headaches and light headedness and pain in my lymph node areas so to me it's spread. 

Gracious.  Colon cancer spreads first to the lymph nodes deep in your abdomen, near the tumor or in the rectal area where there are hundreds of lymph nodes. They DO NOT HURT.  I've only read of 3 people who had colon cancer found in lymph nodes in the neck area and they were very rare, had a genetic disease type colon cancer and died very quickly.  Their nodes were seen and not painful.   I have no idea why you'd think light headedness and headaches would have anything to do with colon cancer!  Less than 1% of advanced colon cancer goes to the brain after MANY years of it attacking other organs.  Tailbone pain?  Do you sit all day at work? 

YES, more young people are getting colo/ rectal cancer.  Most of them have a strong family history of family members dying before the age of 40 with colon or rectal cancer or, in some cases, a genetic type that is found in breast cancer/ and colon cancer in young women whose mother, aunts, etc. have had breast cancer very, very young. 

It sounds like you're under a lot of stress.  You're supporting the family? No wonder you're stressed! 

[Kitty86 5]

Thank you both for responding. I remember Ihadcancer from the AZ boards. Its good to see you here. I have absolutely no family ties to colon cancer. We had breast cancer on my fathers side but he was tested for the BRCA gene (which given my nationality/origin there is a possibility for) but it came back negative for him! Which meant he couldn't pass it through to my sister or me. And nothing at all on my mother's side. No colon cancer in either grandparent. Lung cancer was in my father's side as well but that was due to smoking and both grandparents beat it. There's actually no colon cancer on either side in aunts or uncles. But I'm so terrified of it. I try to tell myself that after a year of experiencing symptoms it would have gotten worse. I'm not constipated. I go sometimes 2-3 times a day. My bowel movements have been noticeably thinner than they used to be, but nowhere near pencil thin. Normal color, size, shape. Just I strain a lot and end up sometimes with a little red on the toilet paper. 

And yes I am supporting the family. My husband stays home with our three year old and I work a shitty job that pays very well but puts me under immense stress. Also my husband overdosed accidentally on Christmas Eve in front of our son so that trauma hasn't really been fully processed yet. On top of that the FDA has been at my job due to possible listeria outbreak (hope that doesnt trigger anyone!) so it's been stressful. And lo and behold my panic of colon cancer is back. But I started posting on AZ March-May 2016 about my panic over colon cancer. By May I had gotten to see a therapist and was working on CBT and battling my OCD. I never went through with a colonoscopy although I spoke with a GI doctor who said its probably IBS but wanted to do an endoscopy/colonoscopy and at that point I felt better in saying no to seeking reassurance. Now I feel like its too late. I've let it go and now its spread. Its causing my spotting. Its causing my lymph node pain. Its causing my headaches. I am convinced its full blown cancer and thats the reason for the pain in my rectum, the backed up gas. Truth is, however last night, once I did relax I was able to pass gas. I had a BM this morning, normal brown. Honestly, when my HA got so bad I was wearing gloves and inspecting my BMs to break open to check. That's how bad it got. But that was over a year ago. 

Jonathan thank you so much for your post though. It really brings home exactly what I'm going through. The Google search triggered it. I thought, let me just go on Google and confirm that this isnt what it is. And of course it does the exact opposite and throws me into a deep panic attack. Last night I was just wailing. Same thing on my drive to work this morning. Stop adding fear to fear is a great line. Its true. I add layers upon layers of panic to my situation. I am so "over focused" on my symptoms. Which of course makes them there and makes them worse. Its so true. It's a repetitive cycle that I'm fully in. 

Ihadcancer I wanted to respond to your post too. My dad just beat a very aggressive stage 3b bladder cancer (from years of smoking). His urine was not pale pink. It was bright red and pretty constant. It was much worse with movement. In fact he fell and was peeing blood continuously and that prompted him to get it looked at. His was super aggressive (like basically 90% of bladder cancers are one type, 10% are this carcinoma one that goes fast) and he beat it and is doing wonderful now. I often turn to him because he has OCD/HA like I do.

 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me. I feel a little less alone being able to share this with a community who understands. To say I'm looking forward to my therapy appointment tonight is an understatement. 

 

 

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Kitty.

Now let us know how it goes. It will be fine I have no doubt, and you will be left wondering why you got so anxious.  Why do we Google? For reassurance, or at least we expect it but don't get it. It has to be realised that symptoms are just that, symptoms, Obvious? But wait a minute. ANY symptom is nature's way of telling us something is wrong. You go to start your car but it won't go. It may be a serious blockage somewhere or just a bit of muck on the spark plug. Now what happens with us HA sufferers? It's the big ends coupled with a total battery failure and a crankshaft bent just for good measure. See what I mean? Catastrophizing!! The mechanic cleans the spark plug and off we go.

A so called 'normal' person would be annoyed or even a bit apprehensive about getting to work, but that's all. Now we too get annoyed; not with what's happened but with ourselves for over reacting. This begins the fear cycle. The annoyance turns to apprehension, not in a normal way but almost terror. It's greatly exaggerated normal reactions. ALL symptoms in nervous illness are NORMAL symptoms greatly exaggerated by fear and anxiety. Fear is always at the root of anxiety coupled with inner conflict. 'Should I shan't I?', 'Will it won't it?' Calm acceptance is needed but, my goodness, how difficult that is when in a state, but in can be done. 

Did you say you had seen a therapist? It would be a good idea to do so if not. A face to face talk with someone who understands can help a lot. Also are you on any medication for your anxiety?  From what you have said so far it's extremely unlikely you have any real problems physically. ALL your symptoms sound like good old fashioned anxiety. Believe it or not, on this site we have heard your story so many times so you are far from alone. Deep breaths Kitty, and let us know how it goes.

[Kitty86 5]

Thanks. I only made an appointment with a primary care physician to have a physical and discuss the GI issues concerning me. I will also let him know my anxiety and OCD issues as well. We recently moved (from NY to VT) so my husband found a great primary care doctor and I will be seeing him too. I made an appointment for Wednesday, March 1st. And I have a therapy appointment today. I have been working with mine who specializes in OCD and HA for almost a year. I cut back on seeing her but I clearly wasn't ready to do that. 

I really like your car analogy. I stress over my car a lot.  So its a good comparison to make. I did a quick search on the word colon here and was able to read through quite  a few posters who've had similar issues and see that they all had pretty much benign issues. So that was comforting. I used to do that on AZ all the time. Just search it and read through old posts and remind myself that a lot of people have been here before. The same fears. The same ones went unfounded. So it does help immensely to realize you're not alone. 

I am trying to breathe through it today. Focus in on my work. Just get through the day. I will say I've ran to the bathroom to cry, when it becomes really bad but I'm just trying to focus on tonight's therapy appointment at 6pm. The great thing is my copay is only $15 for her. So I think I will start going once a week again. It seems to help the most. I remember when my fears and OCD/HA was so bad, the week seemed like literally forever in between it. I would cling to those days that I got to unload on her my fear. 

I just wish I could quell these fears but I am starting to use the resources I need to, like going to a doctor, getting a physical, going back into my therapy, trying deep diaphragm breathing, and just reaching out to friends and family who have helped or understand. 

[Kitty86 5]

Woke up this morning incredibly anxious. It seems like mornings are the worst time for me and right before bed. I had a good therapy session. We caught up and I got her up to speed on where I was at since we spoke about two months ago. I cried a lot about my fear but she really wanted to talk about what was going on in my life that made me feel stressed.

She wasn't opposed to me going to a doctor to get myself checked but also said my whole theory about the tumor pressing against my uterus making me spot was ridiculous. And definitely the two aren't correlated. That's a reach. And really tried to get me to understand that my bloodwork would have been really off if my tumor was that big and interfering that much. I have an appointment with her again for next Saturday and an appointment with a GP Wednesday so we'll see how that goes. If he refers me to a GI doctor or what not. 

 

Still just awake several hours before work panicking about it all. Feel bloated and tummy pains and pressure. I know I'm hyper focused but I feel like I'm in losing it.

[TwitchyCanuck 2]

I can sympathize with the feeling of being out of control and losing it. The terrible thing about health anxiety is that we are worried and afraid of things inside us that we can't see or verify, and our anxiety makes us feel things that feed our worries.

A therapist I was seeing once said to always start by "Checking your symptoms". This sounds scary, but the exercise is to look at what you are feeling and keep defining your symptoms according to the most reasonable and least scary possibility. What your doctors, therapist and others have told you can help this as well, because the most reasonable explanation for all of your symptoms is that they are being caused by your nervous system, and not cancer. In fact, cancer is the most remote, almost impossible explanation for any of it.

Your anxiety will always throw up thoughts and feelings that are negative and fear based, and that can be hard to control. That's an older, more primitive part of your brain taking control. Thinking rationally when you are worried is harder because that's a newer part of the brain that usually gets shut off when we get scared (particularly us!).

Focus on breathing slow, regular and deep, and keep reminding yourself that the things you are feeling have a simple explanation. It's your anxiety talking.