Kitty86

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  1. Mornings are notoriously the worst. In fact studies have shown that your cortisol levels (the hormone that's released when you're panicking & afraid) is much higher in the morning than throughout the day. I try to remember that when I wake up and not associate it with anything. "My brain is making a hormone that will make me feel panicked even though there is nothing for me to feel afraid of." I say that a lot. Attributing it to a biological thing instead of a "warning sign" thing has helped. Another thing that helps is getting up and going. I don't care if it's a walk around the block. If I wake up and I'm in a panic, I lace up my Nikes and walk. 4am and awake and panicking? Great, I'll get to watch a sunrise on my walk. Get up and go! This I learned from my dad who suffered from OCD. Not only does the physical activity help us (stimulate endorphins) but it gets us DOING something rather than laying there. Walk. Jog. Run. Hike. Get out. Don't lay there. And I can totally relate about the job. And I know with OCD you can feel like you are trapped and walls are closing in. All you can focus on is whatever sickness you're weeping over and not the task. Even the good jobs can become unbearable during flare ups and episodes. A horrible job can make it so bad we can barely get out of bed and when we do we just weep to and from work. I get it. I do. Best advice, start looking for a new job. Get into therapy and talking to a trained professional, get on a waking schedule, and tell yourself in five years none of this will matter. And you don't want to be at home. I know retreating into the home can seem great. I'm the breadwinner in my family too so I get that. But it would make it worse. I promise. Not having anything to besides sit home and worry would be way worse. You're actually training yourself to ignore that fear wave and do the task at hand. That's mindfulness in action. Find something you love, for sure, but do what you can in the meantime.
  2. Thank you both for your very thoughtful responses. I totally agree, FunWithFive, there isn't a way for a doctor to know definitively if one will turn into cancer. Certain ones have a higher percentage of likelihood but even the most serious kind I believe only has a 33% chance of developing into a cancer. I read that somewhere on American Cancer Society page. So again, there's no way to know which one would grow further and which one wouldn't and her doctor shouldn't have said that. And thank you philb. It is good to start the screening earlier and I hope they eventually make the recommendation to do so. I believe 40 should be the first screening, honestly. And I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It's good you stay on top of it, but also not let it control you. You do everything you can to live a healthy lifestyle, go for regular (as recommended) screenings, and then know you're doing everything within your power to prevent it. I just have to remember that by going for regular screenings I will catch anything before it becomes a problem. It doesn't mean I am getting it and it is inevitable. In fact I have a better odd at not getting it since I will be doing routine care & preventative checks which a lot of people don't want to do. When I get more information about my results and pathology I'll update. She said she would send something in the mail. Thank you all for the kind words and helpful talk. It's good to know I'm not alone and hear other people's stories.
  3. Absolutely. And I think after this people should get the screenings done younger. Five years and then maybe it would have developed into a stage 1, small tumor only inside in the colon. Maybe it would have taken another 5 to stage 2. You never know. It so slow growing. And now that we are going, like your doctor said, we're in a better position. 1cm = 10mm which is on a bit of a larger scale, from what I read. But even still, it was one polyp. There's people who have 3-5 of those in there. Finding one is a good sign. And there's still no way for him to be 100% sure it would have developed. My doctor said not even to stress about it. And that 3 years, it definitely won't be ample time for a new one to grow and develop into anything. We have to believe that our doctors know best for us and wouldn't allow it time to come back and hurt us. The problem is people who don't go, and don't ever get one done. It's hard to have an "objective" perspective on your body. I get that. So any new symptoms might sound the OCD/panic alarms. But hey, remember colon cancer takes so long to grow that as long as you keep up on your recommended scope timelines, all will be taken care of and caught in timely manner. Youre actually doing more than those who just never go. Ensuring it will be caught and dealt with before anything more happens. It's okay. I know the word precancerous is scary. That's got me too. But it still isn't definite anything would have come from it.
  4. I was actually going to private message you after seeing your post about it all and ask you how you're doing. Funny, that at the same age, 31, we both have a colonoscopy for the first time and they find one small polyp that turns out to be pre-cancerous. Happy to hear your second one came out all fine. And yes, my head is running in circles about did they get it all? Does this mean I'm going to get it? What if they missed one? Oh my god what's my statistical probability of getting it? But my friends who BIL had colon cancer young told me that it takes a while to develop. Polyps take 10+ years to become cancer (and Stage 1 at that). By doing our regular screenings we're actually better protecting ourselves. Colon cancer is slow growing. In three years it's definitely not going to progress from nothing to polyp to cancer. My doctor felt confident she got everything, it was small like 7mm. And she said I was clean and could see everything and found nothing else. So by going regularly we're better protecting ourselves. It won't ever have the time to develop into worse. This is what I'm trying to coach myself with. My friend told me she has a uterine polyp and it was precancerous at 25. She's 42 and nothing ever came of it. Removed it and that's it. So it isn't always some pre-destined thing. Can I ask, have you had any worries before? Any disease you were afraid of before this?
  5. I just found out the polyp was pre-cancerous. I'm typing this in tears. I assumed it wasn't and was a benign one, so did my GI. But the pathology came back as ademantous. Recommended next screening in 3 years. Apparently my son should be screened at 21 (10 years younger than me now). I spoke with my dad and he had a pre-cancerous polyp at 30 too. Doctor removed it and he hasn't had one since. That was 30 years ago. But I am worried! I'm really worried. :/
  6. Yup. Had occasional blood streaks when I wiped. I had a lot of GI symptoms. Having trouble passing gas, constipation and diarrhea, gassy & bloated a lot, tailbone pain, pelvic pain, feeling like I needed to go. A lot of this sounded like IBS but, a lot of it worried me. My GI was like you're not going to be happy til we do the damn thing. And I said nope. Kinda glad I did it. She said her dx will probably still be IBS for my symptoms. Anyway, I'm just trying to relax and say, I don't have it, that is not my reality, and I have to do what the doctor recommends and let it go when it's not concerning. That is what is a real struggle for my brain right now.
  7. So I posted a little here before about my bowel issues and my spotting with my period. Well today I finally went under. So they found a small 7mm polyp closer to my rectum. And not much else. My GI said to her it looked benign but she can't give confirmation until lab biopsy. She did say no tumor, no mass found. And that most likely this would have never developed into anything. But again no confirmation til results. A little nervous about the polyp but glad I went under and have confirmation that it isn't a big tumor like I had feared. She said she even went into my small intestine a bit because she knew I'd be worried about the polyp but, she assured me she saw nothing else. She said her diagnoses would be IBD or IBS based on biopsy. But she says way more likely IBS. And will do a repeat one a few years down the road (span depending on results). Also went to another OB-GYN who did a pelvic exam, re-read my chart, and did a Pap smear. Everything negative and clear. He said there's no way the transvaginal would miss ovarian cancer. And that my Pap smear showed no abnormal cells. I'm okay and the spotting is just something he'd treat with birth control. So I guess I have to let this "huge tumor" pressing on my colon, rectum, ovaries, thing that I was believing, go. I guess I'm struggling to do that now. I'm having a hard time believing I'm okay. What do you do when you struggle with accepting it? Is it okay to accept the diagnosis that I'm okay? Or is there something more I should do?
  8. The last time I posted I felt reassured. I feel worse off than before. Crap. Im so scared.
  9. Now I'm super terrified Im so scared. I'm 31 and I don't want to leave behind my three year old son!! I have the GI appt Tuesday and I will tell here I want the colonoscopy. I'm so scared now. This is horrible.
  10. I had a physical very recently. Maybe a about a little over a month ago. Explained to my doctor my symptoms and he said that my old OBGYN did every test he would recommend for the spotting (checked the bloodwork and ultrasound too). So if I wanted, I should see another OBGYN which I'm doing Monday (and crying and panicking in the mean time). Most people have told me my bowel issues are most likely IBS related. Especially since I've had times where they've been fine, normal, and regulated. So I try and focus on that. IBS is common with anxiety sufferers. And at 31, it isn't likely with no family history. I also had my doctor do a visual check & finger check on my rectum and he said he saw external hemorrhoids on me (probably from the constant forcing of myself to go). So there is that. But right now all those reassurances aren't working. I'm very worried and very scared. I feel alone and like weeping at my desk. I am so worried about these upcoming appointments. Why are all these things happening. Wouldn't something in my blood work, ultrasound, physical felt off? I guess I just have to wait until Monday and Tuesday but I am truly in despair until then. I almost just want to give up completely. I wouldn't but I'm so tormented right now it feels like, its just not worth it anymore.
  11. No I usually try to avoid the ER because I've racked up serious bills from doing that before. Even with insurance it's always costed me hundreds of dollars. Not only that but I end up crying and in fear most of the time I'm there, hyperventilating. Trust me I'm dying to go right now and beg for every test under the sun I'm just fighting doing it. Do you think I should? If I start feeling faint or like I'm bleeding a lot I may. I have 2 appointments scheduled for Monday & Tuesday and I'm trying to hold on til then. Im so afraid at 31 it's colon or bowel cancer and it's spreading all over my body to ovaries and lymph nodes and that I have stage 4 and that I am going to leave behind my family without me.
  12. So I've been having spotting during ovulation for a while, back since last August. By December I saw my gyno who performed a pelvic exam and a ton of bloodwork. All my CBC, thyroid, hormone levels, and other stuff tested fine and in range. Has transvaginal ultrasound done in January. Everything good but a small size (2.7cm) cyst. Spotting continues. All the while for the past year and half my tummy has been having *tons* of issues. Like can't pas gas (struggle to force it), consistent pelvic pain on right side, constipation, then diarrhea, occasionally a bit of bright blood when I wiped, tailbone pain on occasion, tummy gurgles, can't stop burping, pressure, bloating, pain. So this month I spotted again. Crap! Well I've been bleeding for about two weeks and now I think I'm on period because the blood is now a constant flow. I am freaking out. I call my OBGYN and she said, "This is not normal and its been a long time. I want you to see a doctor. Can you see someone near you?" I had moved 2 hrs away from her and she wanted me to see someone closer. I have an appointment with a new OBGYN on Monday. And a GI doctor Tuesday. I AM TERRIFIED. I just broke down and cried and asked my best friend if she'd care for my son if I died. I can't get it together. I am so afraid of dying that I am actually just wanting to die, I am so tormented. Where is this pelvic pain coming from? Why am I bleeding like this? There's something wrong with me. I know it. I need help. I honestly don't know what to do. I cannot get it together. Please, someone, help.
  13. You have been nothing short of an angel with these posts. Thank you so much. <3 I will send as many positive vibes that you get your name on that list, as I'm sure you will.
  14. Thank you. That's what I'm telling myself. I don't know this ladies family history. And neither of my parents have it. Nor grandparents. It just was not good to be triggered first thing in the morning. I hate hate hate hate hate (did I say hate enough?) when synchronicity happens and magical thinking occurs.
  15. I don't work at that company. I just work in the same industry. Small, local artisan cheesemakers. So when news like that happens I googled. I do not work for that same company. Just happened to read a few articles about them and discovered what happened and sent me spiraling. Thank you for the wish. I definitely wish all us HA people get those fears out of our heads.