How can I stop myself from being unfaithful?

[display name 1]

Hi, I went to study abroad when I was 18, everything was very scary at first until I met my former boyfriend that made my life so much easier. We were together for 3 years, during the second one I had my first anxiety crisis, I didn't know what was happening to me, I was shaking, I couldn't breath, a neighbor called an ambulance and my boyfriend. I felt so stupid when they told me I was okay. Ever since that day I haven't been the same.

I was feeling very lonely that summer and I kissed with two guys to feel better I guess and be able to stay with my bf.

I think the anxiety got a bit worse when I started feeling like I was too dependant on my boyfriend. I tried to do everything by myself from that moment on and the relationship got boring. When I decided to break up I was crying everyday, then I met a guy that liked me, we kissed, and that allowed me to finally break up. That was three months ago.

I've been with the guy I kissed for two months now, I really like him but I am very insecure about the relationship because I don't want to be with somebody just because I'm afraid of being alone and I sincerely don't know if that's the case. I just went abroad to do a small internship and I already kissed a guy. 

I always tell everybody that I am in a relationship, specially if someone is flirting, but it's my only defense mechanism, those four guys didn't care and I felt like I had to kiss them, my heart starts pounding, I begin sweating cold, and I get a great sense of relief after the kiss.

I have been thinking about going to see a therapist but I am a student and I don't have any money. I don't know what do to. I don't know if anyone is going to reply or if you are going to say horrible things. But if someone can explain to me what is going on and what can I do, I will try my best, I promise. I have this great fear of marrying someone and being unfaithful, I need to fix this.

[AkM 39]

you aren't horrible or anything  you just not stable enough for now to know what you want in your love life so you move from one guy to one guy as you don't know what you looking for  for me i don't see anything wrong with it but i think you've to let the guy that you staying with know that you not looking into something so serious as not to hurt them if they accept then it won't be hard to leave them and start to look for a new journey with a new guy and so on ....but for now never ever think to marry as you will feel so bad if you cheated on your hubby especially if you have kids and so and it will lead to more anxiety and so so for now stay int he boyfriend and girlfriend phase till you get stable and know what you looking for and i hope you found it soon so you can relax and be happy with your life