Quirky Jessi 2 Posted May 16, 2012 So a friend of mine is really struggling right now. Things aren't going well for her at all and while most things are usually under control, she has some very specific triggers that she doesn't know how to handle. This is one of them: She has an old acquaintance that has never done anything wrong to her. She doesn't think she's a bad person, no bitter run-ins, nothing negative really attached, outside of her being friends with an ex-boyfriend, and even then, that's not a big deal apparently. But she can't handle being around her at all any more. The mere mention of her name, no matter what the reason, is enough to kill her entire day. Unfortunately, the person regularly crosses her path and pleasantries have to be exchanged both directly and indirectly when other friends mention the person. She confided in me with this info all at once with at least a dozen examples of times where it ruined her day, even though the person was completely innocent, hasn't done anything wrong, and is well-liked (both by other people and my friend apparently). Which leads me to the topic title....it's an innocent person that is acting as this awful trigger for her. Any advice on how to handle it? Does she just have to deal with it and hope it goes away? Should she somehow talk to the person directly to 'face' whatever it is....or ask her other friends to avoid mentioning the person? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gilly 1086 Posted May 16, 2012 Deal with why she is a trigger, she may be innocent but something is behind why she is the trigger. Find out what that is. It might be something she doesn't realise, subconsciously reminding her. It might be because she's a friend of her ex and she doesn't realise it is having such an effect on her, or she does and doesn't want to admit it. It could be a memory, a smell, guilt, fear. To have that much of an effect to ruin her day there has to be some significant reason 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Twinks* 16 Posted May 16, 2012 Jessi, Maybe being friends with the ex is the trigger in someway. I have a handful of people that trigger me and although they have never harmed me in anyway emotionally or physically I just cant deal with them because they are links to a past that is painful for me... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JungleJulia 235 Posted May 16, 2012 Yeah there has to be a background reason. Maybe the person can be intense? or blunt? have a way about her that triggers your friend. I find some people more stressful to be around than others. eg. some of my friends make me feel a bit more wound up after ive been around them. Others are very easy to be around. But none of them have specifically done anything wrong, its just their personalities. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BonnyC 1 Posted May 17, 2012 She almost definitely has an underlying issue with this person since these things don't usually happen for no reason. It could even be an issue that she didn't realize she had and has just refused to acknowledge. I don't believe that she should confront them because that's almost like saying she wants them to fix it. She's better off talking to a therapist, counselor or someone else that can help her. That way, she can hopefully talk about her feelings and pinpoint the issue and then come to terms with it. I hope it all goes well for her, I know how she feels. Sometimes just figuring out the reason is enough to deal with it if it's something that can't be "fixed." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Quirky Jessi 2 Posted May 17, 2012 Hmm. Okay, so let's suppose it's because of the ex connection. Any tips for how she's supposed to deal with that then? Could admitting and realizing that actually help her accept it and move on or is this one of those things that's likely to stick as a trigger for a really long time? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tecca_Nina 3 Posted May 18, 2012 Jessi, Maybe being friends with the ex is the trigger in someway. I have a handful of people that trigger me and although they have never harmed me in anyway emotionally or physically I just cant deal with them because they are links to a past that is painful for me... This exactly. There are many people and things who remind me of someone else, which in turn triggers extreme anxiety and depression. It's very hard to get over, especially because that person never did anything directly wrong in the first place, so it can never be made better with them at least. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gilly 1086 Posted May 18, 2012 Hmm. Okay, so let's suppose it's because of the ex connection. Any tips for how she's supposed to deal with that then? Could admitting and realizing that actually help her accept it and move on or is this one of those things that's likely to stick as a trigger for a really long time? That really depends but accepting it is the trigger and then finding ways to lessen its effects will make it better in time. Like self assurance, reminding herself it is the ex that causes bad memories not the woman, she is innocent, not a threat, everything is ok etc. Find a way to separate the woman from the ex. Like they teach you with cbt. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JOYCICLE 654 Posted May 19, 2012 I wonder if it may be a person she looks up to and respects and so she fears if she has an 'episode' in this person's presence , it would be extra humiliating. See what I mean? So she thinks to avoid her altogether is best so that she cannot somehow "SEE' or "SENSE" that your friend is anxious inside. I had a similar thing with my boss 2 years ago. She's never done anything to me and is very kind and understanding but I value her opinion and her wisdom so much that being in her presence, specifically when I'm super anxious, made me TWICE as anxious. Sort of like I wanted to run out the door before she could see me 'flip out' or something. I didn't ever tell her that she made me extra anxious but I did start to mention my anxiety and on days when I was a bit 'weak' I would say I'm pretty anxious today so I cannot stay . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JOYCICLE 654 Posted May 19, 2012 Maybe your friend would allow you to help her and just sit down with this person in a very calm place ( that your friend chooses ) and you sort of literally or figuratively hold her hand while she says what needs saying. Your friend will likely never agree to such a thing but it needs to be done to get past this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. Rogers 2 Posted May 23, 2012 That must be difficult if they have to cross paths often. If it makes her day that bad than I'd make it a point to avoid this person at all costs. Which is sad if the person is completely innocent and not trying to bring bad vibes along with her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
melissa 0 Posted May 28, 2012 There has to be some reason why she cringes at the mere mention of this persons name. Did she do something to her? or say something? SOmetimes it can be something so small that bothers us and we really dont know why. Try to talk to her and see what she says. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
