New member 66 y.o. female

[katzy 0]

Hi,

I'm a 66 y.o. female co-dependent married 30 years to a toxic narcissist, but I am in recovery mode thank God. I would like to leave him as recommended but am no where near ready.

I had a nervous breakdown when 22 that lasted 12 years. I lost my faith in God that had carried me, but it came back when a loving Christian gave me unconditional love that encouraged me to trust God again. I went back to church and learned things I never knew and met joyful people who accepted me. My faith and Bible is my source of life and truth.

I am on Klonopin and Baclofen for panic attacks, social anxiety, and migraines. I have ADD and take Dexedrine. They all help tremendously.

I have been in EMDR for 7 years, the only therapy that changed my thinking and stopped repeating memories of failure or stupidity. Especially after my breakdown I was paranoid and analyzed myself to death but got no answers.

I knew my childhood was destructive but couldn't accept it as the reason I felt outcast. My older sister loved to hurt me and parents said "shut up" if I complained. I believed nobody liked me even if they said they did. I was the scapegoat growing up, had no alternative, and told it was my fault. I was told my thoughts were wrong.

I am still afraid of people and feel I don't deserve to be paid what my work is worth. My ADD causes more mistakes and more time to finish a task. I can't handle criticism or speak for myself. I had to please people so they wouldn't punish me but was still ignored, no praise or thanks. I feel I am a burden on others to exist.

I have left the family due to constant hurtful rejection.

I still have agoraphobia, I only go out for doctor appts., therapy, or church and am always late. I break speed limits and drive dangerously. The thought of hurting others doesn't stop me. It would reinforce how terrible I am.

My retired husband is either gone or on the computer, lies, gaslights me, tries to make me feel unworthy and stupid unless I threaten to leave, scream, cry non-stop, tell others what he does to me, or treat him like he treats me - demeaning him. I never did those things before him.

In the healing process, rage and impatience are close to the surface and I snap and turn on others. Few people relate to me.

I have talents and do favors so I am not alone and people don't criticize free work, but often it is taken for granted.

Abusers recognize my victim mentality and bully me but now I fight more or leave. I never learned to act normal or deal with controversy productively. I am either completely passive or a troublemaker.

I copied my husband and learned to be vicious to him to protect myself.

I am learning about the characteristics of co-dependency and narcissism from SPARTANLIFECOACH on YouTube and it has changed me so I have hope and knowledge and confidence but it is a long process. 

I've had agoraphobia since age ten and wish I understood it. Just getting out doesn't make it better as some say. It would be a miracle if I got over it.

[jonathan123 2367]

Hi.katzy. Welcome to AC. .

 I am at a bit of a loss as to how to reply. You start by saying that your faith and Bible are your source yet you seem to be doing all the things that the teachings of Christ suggested you should not do. As Christians we can often pay lip service to those words but putting them into action in our lives is not easy. You have obviously had a rough deal in life but the teaching of Christ was tolerance, love, understanding and forgiveness; forgiveness for ourselves as well as others. Remember how He answered when asked how many times should we forgive, seven times? No, seventy times seven.

There does not seem to be much forgiveness in what I read or tolerance and understanding. By fighting fire with fire, treating others the way they treat you is not the way out of your problem. The last words from the cross were "Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do". They don't know and that is why they behave as they do, but as a Christian you do know how you should behave. You have been told by the greatest one who ever knew about human behaviour. 

If we give love it is returned just as is hate and resentment. "Give and it shall be given unto you" applies as much to love as it does to all the negative thinking.

It is obvious that your self confidence and self esteem have taken a hard knock over the years for you to be as you are. Have you had any counselling or therapy? Is there no possibility of getting some Christian counselling?

'The thought of hurting others does not stop me'. It should. "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".

You are certainly doing the right thing in looking at 'Spartenlifecoach' but as you say, it can be a long process, but well worth it. Confidence in yourself has to be rebuilt because it has been well and truly knocked down. You can do it but first try and not feel so resentful and angry.

All those negative emotions only reinforce your feelings of unworthiness.

Why do you feel a burden to others? Not because you are but because you really believe it to be so.

"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he". We want to be liked and loved, they are basic human requirements, but they have to be earned. They don't come by right. Instead of hate and fear try giving love and see what happens. If it's thrown back at you then that is their problem not yours.       Jon.