Search the Community

Hi, I'm a 66 y.o. female co-dependent married 30 years to a toxic narcissist, but I am in recovery mode thank God. I would like to leave him as recommended but am no where near ready. I had a nervous breakdown when 22 that lasted 12 years. I lost my faith in God that had carried me, but it came back when a loving Christian gave me unconditional love that encouraged me to trust God again. I went back to church and learned things I never knew and met joyful people who accepted me. My faith and Bible is my source of life and truth. I am on Klonopin and Baclofen for panic attacks, social anxiety, and migraines. I have ADD and take Dexedrine. They all help tremendously. I have been in EMDR for 7 years, the only therapy that changed my thinking and stopped repeating memories of failure or stupidity. Especially after my breakdown I was paranoid and analyzed myself to death but got no answers. I knew my childhood was destructive but couldn't accept it as the reason I felt outcast. My older sister loved to hurt me and parents said "shut up" if I complained. I believed nobody liked me even if they said they did. I was the scapegoat growing up, had no alternative, and told it was my fault. I was told my thoughts were wrong. I am still afraid of people and feel I don't deserve to be paid what my work is worth. My ADD causes more mistakes and more time to finish a task. I can't handle criticism or speak for myself. I had to please people so they wouldn't punish me but was still ignored, no praise or thanks. I feel I am a burden on others to exist. I have left the family due to constant hurtful rejection. I still have agoraphobia, I only go out for doctor appts., therapy, or church and am always late. I break speed limits and drive dangerously. The thought of hurting others doesn't stop me. It would reinforce how terrible I am. My retired husband is either gone or on the computer, lies, gaslights me, tries to make me feel unworthy and stupid unless I threaten to leave, scream, cry non-stop, tell others what he does to me, or treat him like he treats me - demeaning him. I never did those things before him. In the healing process, rage and impatience are close to the surface and I snap and turn on others. Few people relate to me. I have talents and do favors so I am not alone and people don't criticize free work, but often it is taken for granted. Abusers recognize my victim mentality and bully me but now I fight more or leave. I never learned to act normal or deal with controversy productively. I am either completely passive or a troublemaker. I copied my husband and learned to be vicious to him to protect myself. I am learning about the characteristics of co-dependency and narcissism from SPARTANLIFECOACH on YouTube and it has changed me so I have hope and knowledge and confidence but it is a long process. I've had agoraphobia since age ten and wish I understood it. Just getting out doesn't make it better as some say. It would be a miracle if I got over it.