Give up the Struggle!

[jonathan123 2368]

Those three words still come up in posts. FIGHT,STRUGGLE, BATTLE. I have often asked a sufferer if, after many years of fighting and struggling, it has got the person anywhere and the answer is no. We have to accept that the natural instinct is to fight. "You must not let this get the better of you, you have to fight this thing." How many of you have been told that yet the very act of fighting and struggling creates more anxiety, more fear. The definition of 'to fight' is to 'enter into combat with'. If you enter into combat with someone  there is  an immediate rush of adrenaline. Fear is bound to follow because you have put yourself in a 'fight/flight mode.

Now this does not matter to a normal person where the fear subsides quickly, but to the nervously ill the last thing in the world you want is a rush of adrenaline! In fighting and struggling with anxiety you put yourself in the firing line so that the fear goes on and on as the battle proceeds. You are never without fear because to struggle and battle means, inevitably, more anxiety, more fear, until you wear yourself out by the constant outflow of nervous energy. You become tired and worn out and who wouldn't after a battle? Soldiers have to go 'behind the lines' to recuperate but do you 'go behind the lines'? We need fear to survive but the misplaced fear in nervous illness is not needed for survival. I repeat again; this goes against all our natural instincts, but that is exactly what we must do because our minds, in fear, are fooling and misleading us into believing that the only way to survive is to fight our way out as our cave man ancestors did. Calm quiet acceptance of how we feel is the answer. No struggle. No fighting. No battle stations. Just let it all come. You need do nothing other than that. Now that statement is going to cause problems. "How can I do nothing when I am being attacked by this rotten anxiety? It will take over if I don't fight". No, it wont, because you will have removed what it survives on. Fear. By calm acceptance you have turned off the adrenaline tap. I do not suggest this is easy. So many people seem to enjoy, in a strange way, fighting and struggling. They sometimes seem proud of the fact that they have fought for so many years. They have become martyrs to anxiety and, because they love being martyrs, they remain anxious and ill. This is a form of self pity which is a debilitating emotion.  It is not a case of giving way to it or putting up with it. In no action there is total action. You are reacting in the best possible way by accepting and being calm.     Jon.

[lonesailor14 653]

Once again you're all over it Jon! I was just reading something about this called a paradoxical reaction. Whatever you naturally tend to do in anxiety, do the opposite! If you naturally think "oh no" & tense up and feel yourself struggling to keep control, do the opposite. Think "whatever, go ahead anxiety" relax and let go.

As mentioned in another post I made... This is very hard to understand until you're so sick of the fight, so tired & ready to give in. That's when you let go & give in & finally understand acceptance.

[Gilly 1086]

So many people seem to enjoy, in a strange way, fighting and struggling. They sometimes seem proud of the fact that they have fought for so many years. They have become martyrs to anxiety and, because they love being martyrs, they remain anxious and ill

 

 

Even though I don't remotely enjoy it I think you described what I feel to a T there Jon It does feel I have had to fight and struggle for the majority of my life, I did not choose to do it, it was an instinctive necessity, but it is flawed and I am working on changing my perspective. I have accepted the anxiety, well 99% accepted it, and yes it does help, immensely. It is my path, there is absolutely no point in pitying myself, so I actively try not to, it does get to me sometimes but I think it's healthy to allow myself a wee little pity party, get it over and done with then pick myself up and carry on forward. I am fighting for myself, but not in the same sense, I'm accepting myself, to be honest discovering who I truly am because I have realised, only recently  in fact, that I haven't had much of a chance to truly find who I am and what I am capable of. Getting sick at 12 altered my development, put the brakes on more or less and I just went into a free fall from that point on, not really having a chance to find out because when I finally was well again the anxiety hit. I believe I am on the road to finally finding my wings

[jonathan123 2368]

I wonder, Gilly, how many of us really are able to come to our full measure in life. There is always something that seems to block us. We KNOW we are capable of better things but never seem to be able to fulfil our true calling. Someone or some thing always seems to be in the way. This has happened to me and I only really came into my own after the onset of GAD. It seemed to open up a new avenue and to diminish the previous selfish attitude even though the suffering was (and still sometimes is) great. Find you wings and fly! I know you don't go much on flattery but, to me at least, you are already flying pretty high.

 

sailor. "sick of the fight and give in". It is said somewhere' act as if you are too ill to care'. Strangely, giving in is not giving up, far from it. By surrendering ourselves to our anxiety we diminish its power, we no longer have to struggle with it because we have given it permission to do what it will, and in that way we have taken the sting out of it. We are no longer frightened by what it may do: no longer surprised by its actions; in other words we have exhausted its ability to frighten us.     Jon.

[Sunnybunny 289]

Oh boy!  Did you read my mind this morning Jon?!

 

Just this morning I said to myself "I've got no energy left to fight".  But that thought upset me.  I don't want to fight this anymore BUT I find myself wanting to just give in to it.  I say "BUT" because I don't think I would be surrendering in a good way.  What I want is to just accept that this is how I am and adapt my life accordingly.  Well I don't really think that is ultimately what I want but the tired me does. 

 

Yesterday someone posted and said "I want my old life back".  But I'm not sure if I do.  It seems too scary and like too much work.  Of course that is the nervous, tired me talking and somewhere down deep I know that.  BUT it's all so much work right now and so I feel like what I really want is to quit my job, move to a tiny, affordable apartment, and spend my days crocheting with a bunch of little old ladies - that feels safe and manageable for me right now!

 

So do I truly want to get well?  That's what I asked myself this morning.   I woke up feeling very, very anxious and didn't want to go to work.  My husband was home and I knew he would be disappointed if I didn't try so I went through the motions and got myself ready and out the door but the entire time I was telling myself I wasn't going to go.  I hate to admit that I planned to put on the show of trying but was convinced that when it was time to leave I would tell him I couldn't go.  I figured he couldn't be disappointed if I had at least made the effort.  So then when I started to feel a bit better I still told myself I wasn't going anyways! I had made my mind up regardless of what happened. 

 

Now that part of this story that is a contradiction is that I am here at work lol.  At some point during my little act this morning I decided it would be best if I turned up otherwise it would just be worse tomorrow and I know I can't stay away forever.  Even if I do sell everything and take up crocheting it will take time to get that organized and I need to pay the bills in the meantime :-)

 

So driving to work (which actually went pretty well if I didn't think too much) I upset myself with the realization that I wasn't even prepared to fight this morning.  I had no desire to even fake it.  And then I asked myself do I even want to get well if that is the approach I had this morning?  I had stubbornly decided I was going to stay home.  Maybe that's what acceptance is - since I did actually get to work in the end.  But isn't that just fear taking over?  Resignation? I mean really I just want to end the charade and live under my bedcovers! 

 

Now does that sound like someone who is calmly accepting or does that sound like someone who has given up and wants to play martyr? 

 

I don't know how much sense my words make.  I am rambling a bit partly because I am on lunch break and had to reply to this topic since it is exactly where I am at right now.  The whole point of my post would be much clearer if I hadn't actually ended up coming to work haha.  But still the point is that I am looking for the safer way out and avoiding things to some extent.  Because I'm tired and scared - not because I particularly feel sorry for myself or think that I am a victim or that the world owes me something.  (although if the world would be willing to pay off my mortgage and fund some crochet hooks so that I could safely retreat to my dream world...)

 

BUT I don't think avoidance and acceptance can exist together.  So where does that leave me?

 

And what do you guys think about what I did this morning?  Did I trick myself into acceptance without realizing it? I am here at work and the day isn't going too bad as long as I don't think too far ahead and scare myself. 

 

PS.  On the weekend I wasn't feeling anxious and I guess I did want my old life back.  I was planning my outfits for the week, reading up on some work stuff and looking forward to getting some projects done at home.  Then Monday hit and I didn't care about any of that stuff as it all seemed too overwhelming.  And I haven't worn the outfits I planned :-(

[Sunnybunny 289]

Yikes!  Sorry my post is so long :-)  Also I hadn't seen John's reply to Gilly when I wrote my response so I will have to re-read what he said, particularly the statement "act as if you are too ill to care".  Would be interesting to read that in it's full context.

 

And now I better get back to work since I am here anyhow ;-)

[lonesailor14 653]

It absolutely makes sense Suny!

I think I may have confused some people, including myself haha. I shall try to clarify my point of view.

1. In the case of thoughts eg. "I dont want to go to work, I can't do this" or "my life sucks & i have had enough" I believe you have to fight these. "You can do it" your mind is saying something terrible will happen & you should avoid it. You have to fight back with "this is nonsense I'm going & nothing will stop me". It may not be work, it might be school or shopping or just a walk around the block but we get this thought saying "you can't, you shouldn't, what if". You can fight this with positive "yes I can thoughts" or just sit back & laugh at the thoughts. The key is knowing they are just thoughts and not buying into them as fact. So when I talk about fighting, I'm talking about the thoughts. And when I say fighting it may be that your fighting back with mindfullness, positive thinking or laughter, it doesn't mean struggle struggle struggle.

2. When I talk about acceptance I'm talking about the symptoms. It's the symptoms that cause us the initial worry & make us believe if we go out there something bad will happen. When you feel that death grip of anxiety on your shoulders or that shortness of breath, your heart racing or whatever it is. We automatically out of habit start to worry about how we feel, we struggle & fight to stay normal looking & composed, or look for escape or avoidance. We sweat, we try to breath or we try to tell ourselves "stay calm, stay calm". In this instance, I recommend acceptance. Acceptance of the feelings, physical and mental. Physical may be that you're now fearing you can't breath or there's something wrong with your heart & you need to calm it down. Mental is the "I have to escape" or "I'm going to go crazy & embarrass myself". A lot of the time you cant even pick what it is, its just "something" is going to get you. When these things happen, you'll get nowhere by fighting. Fighting will make it worse, the need to control yourself makes it worse. So just throw your hands in the air, say "come get me, do your worst" & accept the symptoms to do their thing. Let them attack. Our automatic response to these uncomfortable feelings is to tense up & fight for control. Don't. If you catch yourself in this struggle, stop & do the opposite. Say in your mind "I give up, you win, come and get me".

Hopefully that's simplified. 1. Fight negative thoughts.

2. Accept & never fight symptoms.

With number 1. It takes time & practice & concentration. When you recognise the "I can't thought" it can take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours before you really belive yourself "I can". It's a matter of training & perseverance. It's not a magic spell where you just say the words "I can" & then you feel great. You have to belive it. And you have to catch yourself doing the "I can'ts & what ifs" in the first place. Sometimes I sit for half an hour psyching myself up before a task saying over & over "I can do this, I'm awesome & competent & I've done it before" until I feel it in my bones that I can. Music helps this process. It's a confidence building thing. I say it takes training & it does but it's not hard work. How hard is it to sit around telling yourself that you're awesome and can do anything?

2. Number 2 if you really let go & tell the symptoms to do whatever they like, will happen in a matter of minutes. When you really give in, the anxiety fades almost instantly. There maybe still a sympytom or two, like sweating or heart racing but your anxiety about it will vanish. With time so will the symptom.

When number 2 is really mastered, you don't have to worry about number 1 so much because you will already be confident. You're confident you won't be harmed by your feelings and whatever you do, if they turn up you will just accept it & they will go away. Number 1 then is only used slightly to get you out of the habit you've built of avoiding & thinking you can't do something. Eventually you will break this habit.

I'm finding by practicing both these things the need to use either of them becomes less and less. Maybe one day I won't need them at all but I'm not worried about that. I actually don't mind having the odd bout of anxiety to keep my training up to scratch. I have mentioned that I've beaten it before. Completely and never thought it would come back. When it did come back I had forgotten everything I'd learnt & was back at square one & digging myself into an anxious habit. So this time, I don't mind a little anxiety and practice on how to handle it. It also takes the pressure off of having to eliminate it. I don't have to eliminate it, I just need it to stop controlling my life.

[lonesailor14 653]

I shall ramble on a bit more...lol.

So basically all you have to do is recognise is it a feeling or a thought that's making me uptight?

If it's a thought, take tool number 1 out of the box.

If it's a symptom take tool number 2 out of the box.

If you're not sure use tool number 2, accept whatever is threatening you, tell it to do what ever it likes and carry on with your day.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi sailor and Suny. Yes, but in your No. 1 are you actually fighting? It sounds to me more like accepting and saying that you will go along with it at the moment but at the same time will use positive thinking to come out of that particular episode. This question of 'being my old self'. I have no desire whatsoever to be 'my old self'. It was that that landed me in trouble in the first place. If we don't emerge from this suffering better (and different) people then the whole of the suffering has achieved nothing. Of course, you may have been happy as you were, but if you really look at yourself then were you entirely happy with your life? There has to be conflict within for an anxiety state to arise. There is always a cause to any effect. Something has to trigger 'sensitisation' even if it does come from the unconscious. It may be a physical illness but that is only the catalyst that causes the trigger. Many people get physically ill but do not succumb to anxiety. As I said before, facing the future with all its responsibilities is often daunting to an anxiety sufferer, so we may avoid getting well. There are attention seekers in this business and we have to make sure that we don't fall into the trap of 'poor me in this situation'. (They call this PLOMS disease. Poor Little Old Me!). Suny, you are doing yourself an injustice. There is no way I would describe either of you as martyrs. You did it didn't you? in spite of feeling how you were. You didn't retreat but carried on. Why is it that when we actually achieve something good we tend to play it down and not give ourselves credit for our achievements? I said before that you are both an inspiration because you are actually doing something about the problem. So many sit and wallow in it. (And that is something I tend to do, and if it wasn't for my wife giving me a kick in the butt, I would stay there!).We can think our way out if we exercise our inherent common sense and use sailor's No. 2.    Jon.

[lonesailor14 653]

Number 1 & 2 are my point of view only guys. Not fact, just the way I see anxiety.

But yes Jon I do believe it's fighting. A small thought of not being able to go shopping or to work or travel or even 'I can't eat' can eventually snowball into a defeated state of "I can't do anything". You can't accept that thought. I've tried. Ok I accept I can't leave the house, I can't eat, I can't earn money & can't look after myself. Accepting this leads to severe defeated depression and for me a death wish. I have been literally a crumbling mess on the floor, alone and wanting to die. The only thing that got me back from there was a "f#$k this" attitude. I fought like hell against my doubts, got back on the horse and got out of there.

Symptoms I can accept. Defeated "I can't" thoughts, I won't accept. The thought "I can't" leads to avoidance, agoraphobia and more anxiety. It's in your best interest to act early on the "I can't" thoughts before avoidance kicks in.

I accept I will have those thoughts as part of this condition but I won't accept listening to them.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi sailor. I have said before that everyone has to find their own way and if saying *!!$$sk this attitude works for you then that's it. I still feel that ANY thought, defeatist, negative, unhappy, miserable, can be accepted as part of the illness. "I can't do anything". Good, then do nothing! OK, OK, I see what you mean, and I understand where you are coming from, believe me, I do. But I went through the same thought track as you until I realised that acceptance means a TOTAL acceptance of everything that anxiety can throw at you. This is really the hardest part to understand. You know that Dr. Weekes says that we accept 99% of the time but have problems with that last 1%. It is getting through that last 1% that is the key. Now please, don't think I have done that because that last 1% still gives me trouble, but acceptance has reduced my GAD to manageable proportions and I am grateful for it. As I say, we need find our own way and if what you do makes you feel better then go for it. The last thing we want is to be too rigid and dogmatic in anxiety. There is no common way out because we are all different. Honest, you do so well and I admire your courage.      Jon.

[lonesailor14 653]

Maybe that's the 1% I'm not getting either lol! Totally agree everyone will find their own way. That's why I had to add that bit about it being my opinion only☺

Perhaps with time I will work out how to completely accept the whole spectrum of my anxiety.