Please help :(

[naleik 0]

I have always dealt with anxiety, but recently it has become much worse and is severely impacting my quality of life. 

 

Throughout school, I have had bad social anxiety and as a result didn't make a ton of friends and was too scared to approach girls. Luckily, I started to overcome this social anxiety in the last couple years (last year of high school, first year of college). Suddenly I feel as though my life is spiraling out of control though.

 

I have a great girlfriend whom I have been with for about 6 months. We were getting along great until my anxiety began to cause problems. The first time we were going to have sex (about 3 months ago), I got very nervous due my anxious nature and wasn't able to get it up, despite always being very horny during foreplay. Of course once you mess things up once, the anxiety takes over and you panic when approaching the situation again. I was able to get the stress to a point where I could get it up, but then I started worrying about lasting long enough and of course the result is premature ejaculation. The feedback loop continues. Stress -> perform poorly -> more stress and rumination -> perform even more poorly. I'm not stuck in this terrible cycle and don't even want to attempt to have sex anymore. The girlfriend is annoyed, I'm worried of losing her, and it has caused a lot of tension between us because it puts me in a terrible mood. Worse yet, if she leaves, I worry about ever starting another relationship because the same issues will arise, and I barely had the confidence to start the relationship in the first place with her when I wasn't experiencing all these worries.

 

I don't know where to turn for help. I am planning to visit a psychiatrist soon and hopefully they will be able to give me medication to calm me down. Does anyone have any suggestions to break this cycle or what medications may be effective?

[Bee123 16]

Hi naleik

 

I think you should talk to your girlfriend and explain what's happening. Let her know that the sexual issues aren't caused by her, it's just your anxiety and stress about being unable to make her happy. If she is fully aware of the situation she might be able to help you feel more comfortable.

 

Seeing a psychiatrist or doctor will definately help getting the anxiety under control. I'd make an appointment as soon as possible. Until then, I think communicating with your girlfriend will be helpful and maybe try closing your eyes and just focusing on your breathing for a few minutes beforehand.

 

Take care.

[jonathan123 2366]

Hi naleik. Welcome to AC.The above post by Bee is good advice. Some counselling or psychological treatment would help. You should explain all this to your girlfriend as she may not understand what is going on. What you describe is a common problem in anxiety, but it is a strange thing that most people are afraid to talk about it when it is a part of everyday life. Anxiety can be a 'turning off' of anything. Food, sex, exercise, entertainment, you name it. The thing is to take it easy. If you try to rush your sexual activity it will only compound the problem, but it is essential that you girlfriend understands otherwise it could affect your relationship. As Bee says, getting the anxiety under control is the first priority; the rest will follow. There are medications that may help but your GP is the only one to talk to initially.  Put ALL your cards on the table. They have heard it all before believe me. But I would suggest help is certainly needed.  Sex is a fundamental basic instinct but, as with all anxiety problems, it can be badly affected by worry.  You will be OK. Would your girlfriend look at this site or would you rather not let her know you need help? She may be more understanding than you think.      Jon.

[naleik 0]

Thanks for the replies. I have told her that I have anxiety problems and she acts understanding. The problem here is that I feel like it annoys her a lot and that she is just being nice about it. She even said "this is straining our relationship when it shouldn't be" after I become irritated when it happens.

What would he the benefit of going to a GP first? I can't exactly tell my parents why I want to go. They know I have anxiety in general though, and would be okay with me seeking treatment from a psychiatrist. I have read online though that psychiatrists just usually prescribe antidepressants for anxiety, and those make your sexual function even worse :/

[jonathan123 2366]

Because a GP would be able to prescribe something that would help your sexual problem. There are a lot of remedies on the market as this is a common happening in anxiety. Believe it or not it is. Not being able to perform affects your self esteem as any man will tell you, and that, in turn, will affect your anxiety. Professional help is available and you need to get it. Can't you tell your parents you want to see the GP about anxiety? No need to go into details. A psychiatrist would help with the sexual part of the problem as it is in the mind that the problem exists. Give anything a try but I feel the GP is the first port of call.    John. 

[Sunnybunny 289]

Hi Naliek.  I second what Jon has suggested.  There is very likely nothing physically wrong with you (as you seem to already realize) so once you get help for the anxiety the other concerns should resolve.  You want to get to the root of the problem - the anxiety.  The GP is a good first step and can possibly prescribe medication and definitely refer you for some therapy. 

 

Try not to worry too much about the medication if that is the route you choose to take.  There are some better drugs available now that do not have near the side effects of some of the older ones.  This is all something you can talk through with your GP though but I bet that you will be just fine as soon as you can start to relax and get the anxiety under control.

 

All the best to you.

[lonesailor14 653]

I have been the girlfriend in a situation like this! Long before I had or even knew what anxiety was. The guy explained it very well (not that I fully understood anxiety) but he made it very clear he wanted to but nerves got in the way. It can get tricky and make the girl feel unwanted but he managed to make me feel very desired which helped. I gave him time, which helped him. It also became our problem not just his. While we didn't stay together too long, I have to say as personal as it is, there is more than one way to skin a cat. While he had his issues, he was not selfish at all and looked after me lol.

Meds may help so ask your gp. The Psych will help with the mental aspect.

I think the key with us is that I made him feel comfortable enough not only to talk about it but to keep trying with no expectations. If it worked great, if it didn't, no biggy.

[naleik 0]

I ended up overwhelming with all my anxiety problems that she now wants a "break." The last time she was over, we talked about how it was a problem and that I need to see a psychiatrist, etc. but we ended up getting in a sort of fight because it is just stressful for both of us. As you said, Lonesailor 14, it is BOTH of our problems, and she feels like I am putting my stress onto her, and not jsut because of the sex, but because of my general anxiety and the bad mood the sex leads to.  

 

I don't know where to turn to. There is no one else I have to talk to about this. I feel my life spiraling out of control. We got along so well until these issues started and I'm afraid I won't be able to get her to come around. I have told her I will start therapy and work on myself and I didn't mean to stress her out. If she is gone permanently, my confidence is going to plummet and my anxiety even further through the roof.

[Bee123 16]

This "break" might be a good opportunity to work on yourself.

 

I recently ended a 4 year relationship with someone who never understood my anxiety no matter how hard I tried to explain. Yeah it is hard at first but it was a great chance for me to get a hold of my anxiety and become confident without allowing others to control my happiness and the way I see myself.

 

Just remember you always have the people on this site who completely understand how shitty anxiety is.

 

Hope it all works out for you

[naleik 0]

Yeah...I realize that was a huge problem in the relationship. She came off cold and left me when I needed her most. That just shows how much I mean to her. I do get that it was overwhelming for her, but to completely separate herself from me knowing full well that it would only potentiate my anxiety is sad. She can't even check to see how I'm doing after multiple months with her, showing support for her.

 

ughhh it would just be really difficult to find someone else who understands anxiety and all the problems it causes. I would need a relationship with someone who understands these problems and offers some compassion.

[jonathan123 2366]

Sounds as if you had a lucky escape. Perhaps you are better off without her. But regard what you have gone through as a teaching experience. there are people out there who understand and who make allowances and will cooperate. Be very discerning  with whom you make contact. Anxiety frightens a lot of so called 'normal' people because they don't understand.  I am sure you will find a companion but give it time.     Jon.