Pure O? I dunno

[Dewdrops 0]

Hey everyone, I'm new to this website, just looking for people like me or people who have been in similar situations. I have tried getting help from people close to me but so far it hasn't helped. If you could take a moment to read this if you had anything close to this I would really appreciate it.

First of all, let me say a few things about myself. I am 23 and I have had depression and anxiety since I was around 12 years old, and have been on medication since.

Until nearly two months ago, my depression and anxiety was getting worse and my doctor urged me to try a new medication. I have taken the same antidepressants since I started them and was hesitant. But I agreed.

A few weeks later I was getting side effects, mild ones, I went back to my doctor and she suggested I double my dose and her logic was it will cancel out the side effects, Reluctantly I agreed.

I have never felt the way I did during that, I only lasted about two weeks and I begged her to let me stop taking it. I couldn't go out in public anymore, I couldn't sleep by myself, I couldn't even distract myself from constantly feeling like I was going to die or something terrible was going to happen.

It's been about 2 months since I stopped, and things have very slowly gotten better. Until around 2 weeks ago I started having intrusive thoughts. The problem is, they come on completely randomly. I will be playing video games or just sitting watching TV and they come on. They are violent thoughts about hurting people I care about. Things I KNOW deep down I would never, ever do.

But the more I try to not think about them, the more I think about it. Like there's this feeling in the back of my head that knows I'm trying not to think about it. Distraction itself just feels like that, I KNOW its a distraction and then I keep thinking about it.

Its honestly tearing me apart. I can't eat, my stomach is constantly in knots.

I'm scared of myself, I'm afraid of my thoughts and why they are happening.

I have always dealt with things like this by myself or through people I care about but I honestly can't keep living like this. I feel like I'm a danger to the people I care about and I just want to hurt myself or worse.

[jonathan123 2314]

High Dewdrops and Welcome. You are in a state of GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) Now having told you that, which you already know, is not going to help much, is it?  When I tell you that intrusive throughs are normal in anxiety will you believe me? I hope so because it's true. Trying to 'get rid' of such thoughts is nigh impossible. It's a viscous circle. The harder you try the more they come. 

Let them, but see them for what they are. Thoughts in a tired mind! When we are so called 'normal' such throughs may come, but we shrug them off and they are soon forgotten But in anxiety shaking off such thoughts is not possible. But by allowing them to come you take the sting out of them. It's like trying to push a cork under water, it will always pop up somewhere else. You are not a danger to yourself or anyone else, and you are NOT going crazy. Get that thought right out of your mind. Many on the journey you are on have recovered and so can you. 

You are scared of yourself and afraid of your thoughts. The key word there is 'afraid'. You are in a constant state of tension and fear. But can you see that your thoughts and your body are reacting to fear in the only way they know?  You add fear to fear and go round in that vicious circle of fear/symptoms/anxiety/fear. It's like trying to put a fire out with oil!! So what to do apart from medication? 

Fighting and struggling with 'IT' is counter productive. It makes things worse. So let it all come without resistance. Often the big mistake is that we listen to those who say 'you must not let this get the better of you, you must fight it'. WRONG! Calm (as calm as possible), acceptance is the key. No fighting, struggling or trying to medicate it away. Now this may seem impossible for you at this moment, but it can be done given the will. It's not easy and takes time and patience, but it has been proved over and over that it works. There is a book I suggest you get. (Oh no, I hear you say, not another book!!). This one is by Dr. Claire Weekes, sadly no longer with us. She was regarded as an authority on anxiety. From Amazon. 'Essential help for your Nerves'. Well worth a read.

Take it easy, well as easy as you can. Break that cycle of fear/anxiety/fear. No monster is out to get you. Everything passes and so will this if you accept it all.  UTTER ACCEPTANCE.      Very best wishes. 

[Albertina Geller 3]

Hello @Dewdrops it looks like Harm OCD as you are getting thoughts of hurting your loved ones. I know you won't hurt anyone but this thoughts will make you feel like you will do. You should first get diagnosed and check if it is OCD or not and if it is OCD than you should start doing ERP therapy and also take medicines. This will help you to deal with your thoughts and you will feel better before your thoughts get worse.

Here are some articles on Harm OCD you can read them and compare your thoughts so that you can understand if it is Harm OCD or not

https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/harm-ocd

https://www.madeofmillions.com/ocd/harm-ocd

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/overcoming-harm-ocd