Flare-up, so angry at myself >;(

[Hoshi 4]

The last few weeks have been progressively awful. I just feel like it's been one thing after another.

 

I literally started my first week of this work trial through the jobcentre, after all the stress with money and finding a job, and right now I'm so physically and mentally exhausted I've had to cave in and take today off even though I didn't go in yesterday either (although the rule states I can only do 30 hours so I'm entitled to take at least one day or a combination of hours off in a week) but really I should've been there. Not only did I conveniently start my period on the monday, the stress of nervous exertion in the first 3 days alone has pulled all my muscles, and the panic of the early morning routine has caused me to fall down the stairs twice so I've been stiff and covered in bruises on top of all the other pain.

 

My face has been in an absolute state, the worst I've seen it for months, and when normally after a flare-up it does start to get better, it seems to have been getting worse every single day and I'm fighting a hopeless battle trying to throw all these bloody useless products at it. I knew I hadn't generally been feeling well (especially after still trying to recover from the freak out weekend seeing my friends for my birthday, the topic of which I still haven't replied to posts about and I apologise!) but I was really pushing through this week thinking I was stabilising and today I've just toppled right over the edge. 

 

I went to bed anxious and when I got up this morning I just knew I was in a bad state. My housemates were all running late in the shower before me so I was in a blind rush getting ready to start with, about half way through doing a poor job of fixing my face I simply stopped, threw it all off and told myself I just couldn't cope with it anymore. I phoned my job advisor and told her I was feeling really unwell, she is aware of my condition and understood but recommended I phone the manager of the company I'm trialing with myself if I could. I was so nervous I felt like I was shaking on the phone and although he seemed hardly bothered by it all I could think was that I was such a let down, it's only been 3 days and I'm already phoning in sick! I told him I would try to be back on monday and he said that was fine.

 

When I put the phone down I continued pacing in silence for about 30 seconds and then just full on burst into tears. I haven't cried in literally months. I NEVER cry unless it's something really bad. But I just couldn't cope. I've crawled back into bed with my laptop and now I'm contemplating whether or not to make the trip into town to see a GP at the walk-in clinic about my rosacea . I just feel like I want them to give me whatever I can get to calm it down because it's getting way out of hand right now, and if it doesn't start to get better after the weekend I don't think I'll be able to go back to work on monday.

 

Why God why does this +++ timing always happen? :'(

[Gilly 1086]

Hoshi hun you do sound like you are exhausted. Don't be hard on yourself this stuff IS hard and you have done more than some of us are capable of doing, you need a rest and maybe it would be a good idea to go see a doctor. No shame in needing a few days off to recover from a stressful time! Tell the doctor you are exhausted and stressed and feeling under the weather and about your job situation and anxiety. 

[jonathan123 2368]

Oh Hoshi, you poor thing. But don't feel angry with yourself. We don't do this on purpose do we? It is a strange thing that when we are down everything seems to conspire against us.Or is it because being down it just seems so? You seem to have some understanding people at the other end so just rest up for a while. Slow down. Remember, a day at a time. You burst into tears. GOOD. A safety valve. But don't feel bad about it. I am not afraid to admit, even as a man, that I did my share of howling when I had GAD. And sometimes now when I read of some people in real trouble or a poem comes up that touches me I still get tearful. We are human Hoshi, and if we don't feel emotion we are dead.

Go see the doc and get some reassurance but you will be OK by Monday I am sure. Just rest up. Good luck and remember, a day or even an hour at a time.     J.

[Hoshi 4]

You are both right. I don't know why I am so tough on myself when most people would be telling me to just stop and calm down, my brain is like a military sergeant- no excuses allowed!!

 

I had a sleep until about 3pm and still feel really sluggish and sore, but have decided I will go to the clinic tomorrow as they are open 7 days a week. I've only just registered with this place so haven't yet been to see a GP there but the nurses are all really friendly so hopefully I can express exactly how I'm feeling- sometimes you do feel a bit rushed in those places.

 

I'm trying not to think about monday and putting pressure on myself to feel well before then, if I don't I'll just have to tell them.. but I would honestly rather be there doing something than stuck at home so that at least makes me feel better to know that it's mostly just stress and anxiety rather than depression in this case.

 

Thanks for listening to me again guys. It really helps knowing I have somewhere to vent all this crap when I have few people to talk to at home

[Gilly 1086]

Try and chill for the weekend hoshi and don't think about Monday. There's a good chance by then you will feel much better.

[DonF 5]

I do much the same thing, Hoshi.  Very tough on myself.  I recall during one of my worst years, I won an award for perfect attendance at the company I worked.  That should not have  happened.  Because of that, I probably suffered longer than I should have.  But we're eager to please, and if we're suffering already, if we feel we let someone down, that can make it feel worse.

 

I'm just beginning to learn to let things go a bit.  Take it easy on yourself.  It's hard enough dealing with anxiety...if we don't give ourselves a break, it'll be that much harder.  I hope the clinic helps and that you're feeling better.  Keep us posted.

 

Don

[jonathan123 2368]

I'm just beginning to learn to let things go a bit.  Take it easy on yourself.  It's hard enough dealing with anxiety...if we don't give ourselves a break, it'll be that much harder.  I hope the clinic helps and that you're feeling better.  Keep us posted.

 

Don

So right Don. Why can't we let things go? It still amazes me how we seem to seek out problems for ourselves. Chatting up Dr. Google is a good example. Why make ourselves uncomfortable when we know it is wrong.  It seems that curiosity overcomes common sense. And we all know what curiosity did to the cat!  We have to have 'a break'; to do something WE want to do rather than what someone else thinks we SHOULD do.    J.