hmm I dont no where this post should go

[becca 3]

Well its sunny today so Im sitting in the garden on the grass with the cat. It kind of makes me happy. I should be happy right, i just feel lost. Im having a bad day im frustrated. I set up a blog a few days ago like a recovery blog, you no for the cutting. I dont do it bad iv stopped since last time i did it. But I just want to say thats it im never going to do it again and move forward forget it ever existed. Therapist said its like an addiction. I dont think im addicted to it. I want to forget so bad. But then i see the scars so i cant forget. Its on my mind alot because im thinking of ways to help and recover but its driving me crazy. Maybey the blog has made me worse. I havnt had a panic attack in nearly a month or something so thats good. They are stopping. I just dont feel any happier. Its such a nice day yet im sad. I dont understand why i dont feel happy. Im trying to be postive. When i see my therpaist again she will probly say why dont you think your happy?how could you try? I DONT NO the reasons i feel like this. Im fed up. yes i can try to read a book or do some drawing or hang with friends. But i dont feel happier. I have an urge an frustartion most of the time. Then i see the scars and its just like ahhhhhhhhhh. I dont no what to do i feel like saying fuck therapy, fuck the scars everything and try to live normally. im just fed up of the frustration the not noing whats causing everything. the reason. Maybe there isnt one maybe im just like this. I dont think i posted in the right place im not sure. maybe im just stuck at a strange stage who nos.

 

 

 

[Gilly 1086]

Becca, you are doing great, you really are, I know you don't feel good but what I have learned these past few weeks is therapy is hard, CBT is hard. It's going to be rewarding if we stick with it but in doing it we are dragging up emotions, old memories and trying to analyse our fears and why the hell we are like this. It sounds like you are suffering some depression maybe, of course you are fed up, and frustrated believe me, I am too. It is not uncommon for you to fall into some depression, panic and anxiety are hard to deal with. But we will get through it, keep doing what you are doing but don't try and force yourself to feel this or that, just try and do, and be. I know that sounds crappy but trying to figure it all out is exhausting and often you don't find that definitive answer for a while.

 

My therapist asked me today if I'm a worrier, i felt like saying no shit! lol But it's true, I am a worrier and I always have been, and actually I think that may be my main problem, i worry about anything and everything, and lately compulsively. How can that not make me an anxious mess? I'm fed up and frustrated too but I am also determined. One day at a time becca., and yes sit in the sun, give kitty a cuddle. I know right now you feel like shit but these things can help in the long run.

[jonathan123 2368]

Becca. You can't force recovery. There is no doubt in my mind that you are much  better than you were but it's impossible to just jump out of it after a long time. You WILL recover and live normally but please do not be impatient with time. I used to get more sad on sunny days with my GAD and I think it is because of the contrast. It is so nice and we feel so rotten. If the panic attacks have stopped then build on that. A great step forward. You are NOT 'just like this', none of us are. We don't inherit this illness and looking for causes can be frustrating and pointless. Just go with it for the moment and give it time. You have started. Continue the same way and good luck to you. Having said all that I feel a bit helpless as I cannot help you further. It is so difficult to be in an other's shoes.

 

 

Just read Gilly's post and she is so right. Admitting to our hangups is half the battle.   J.

[Hoshi 4]

Becca, it's so difficult feeling the way you do, but after chatting with you yesterday I feel like I relate to you a lot with your reasons for cutting. It is like an addiction sometimes, and the frustration you feel turns into anger and takes over so you just don't care about the consequences anymore. There are so many days where it's sunny and warm and beautiful outside and I can hear kids playing and dogs barking, and smell barbecue, and I'm shut in my bedroom, face down in my pillow with the covers over my head feeling like I just want to cry from the frustration. But when I'm that low I always remember that the littlest, tiniest things are what really matters. No matter what anyone else is doing, or what you think you should be doing, just think to yourself what YOU need to feel better at that moment. If it's even the smallest thing like making yourself a cup of tea, or having a shower, or whatever. I don't know if that makes any sense. But what I'm getting at is at the end of the day, maybe you don't need to understand why you do what you do- it's not your fault you have these feelings, and no-one can really justify what living 'normally' is anyway. Be a bit selfish for a while so you can focus on your recovery at your own pace.

 

Take care and talk soon xx

[Gilly 1086]

GREAT advice Hoshi And the little things are so important you are completely right.

[jonathan123 2368]

Wonderful post Hoshi. Believe it or not it helped me too.