Hello, my name is Daniela and im 32 year old with anxiety and panic attacks accepting those therms having been easy even writing this is not easy because in my mind if i do it makes it more real and maybe i will jinx myself and something will happen to me. My therapist told me to do a journal of how i feel and what i feel during my panic attacks but in my mind if i write them i feel like something will happen to me and my parents will find it and a whole story goes in my head so writing here and in other language maybe will help even thought i can feel the anxiety creeping out.
2 months ago I was shopping with my sister when i start feeling shortness of breath, I push myself to keep going but in the back of my mind i was scared as the time pass i could feel tingle in my left arm and face and in the back of my head and i felt if i walk my knees would just give up and i felt my chest tight, we went to one doctor and told me i was having a panic attack but i didnt believe her because my blood pressure was little bit high so as my heart rate, I endup in the ER after few test lack of answer and apparently all normal they let me go ... the couple of weeks after the incident i felt numb like it wasn't me like, i didn't belong like in any moment something will happen to me i will die. I went to the heart doctor change my blood pressure medicine and gave me Xanax told me that i need to relax that i wasn't the first with panic attacks... i wanted to believe him i really did but i felt horrible... shortness of breath and felt like my heart was racing even if in monitor it say it was normal, i start feeling crazy and no one believe me that i was sick because is what i felt .... weeks pass then i start feeling other things and dr google made much worse... i fear leaving my house... i dont want to tell my friends i feel like a burden to parents i feel ashame, crazy and not worth it.... I had another big one... couple of days ago endup calling hotline so i could calm down after that one is been awful i cant sleep i feel constant pain in my arm and chest went to the doctor again and everything is ok.... next day after the doctor appointment a panic attack woke me up.... the fear the guilt for having one trying to calm myself down and not being successful I call another hotline for help because i felt ashamed to call the same i didn't wanted to be judge and this one was totally different and gave me tools to try calm down... and told me that my problem was chronic and i need it therapy and psychiatric help too the last part made me feel more guilty and more crazy.
How is possible that my mind is so against me that is making me feel all this symptoms and nothing is wrong.... I feel in this constant black cloud and no way out I made my appointment with my therapist and going to get my apportionment with the psychiatrist, I found this place because I was having a panic attack and i didnt wanted to bother anyone but i knew i couldnt calm myself i was hopping for a live chat or something but reading everyone struggles made me feel less alone and that im not the only one thinking like this... im just sick of feeling like this... i want to feel normal.... I cry all the time... i cant remember the last time i really laugh.... I'm sorry this post is such a downer but when i feel like things might get better everything gets worse.